34. Not ready
"You shouldn't have left me," I told Shane.
Shane and I were at Steak and Shake. The place where Philip took me on our first date. His light brown eyes haunted me right now. I knew he wouldn't approve of this date. Shane was taking a bite out of cheeseburger, and washing it down with a coke.
"Well, you shouldn't have kiss Philip," He replied.
"Fair of enough. But he kissed me first," I said sipping a milkshake. I did not order anything else. My stomach was sick.
"You kissed him back."
"I know. I wish I hadn't," I admitted.
"I am glad you did," Shane answered.
"Why?"
"It was a wake up call for me. Honestly, I have been scared. Getting married and having a baby this fast. It would be scary for any guy," Shane said.
"So you were overwhelmed?"
"A little, and then I stopped by your work to see you. I saw you kissing that asshole, and I snapped. I used it as my excuse to bail, but that was a mistake. I don't want to leave you or that baby. I don't want you with Philip anyone else. No one but me," Shane said determined.
"How do I know you won't bail again?"
"I won't. I love you. I want things like they were before. I want you back. And a few weeks with Philip can't change how you feel about me. Did they?"
"No, nothing could change that. But the time a part did change how I feel about Philip," I murmur.
"You love him now?"
"No, but I realize I care about Philip. He's not like anyone I have met before. We have fun together, and he takes care of me," I whisper taking another sip of my vanilla milkshake.
"Why would you settle for him? This asshole lies and controls you. He has to have his way. If he hadn't gone through your phone then we'd be together now," Shane replied.
"I am not happy he went through my phone either, and I am not saying it's over with us."
"What are you saying then Andrea? I need answers."
"I can't keep going back and forth. I need to make a choice. I thought I had, but now I am unsure," I admitted.
"Honestly, Andrea you think there is a chance you are going to be with Philip?"
"We're having a baby together and I really can't explain my feelings for him. I am just now admitting to myself I have them," I said picking up a napkin wiping my face.
"So are you going back to him now?"
"No."
"Are you going to go with me?"
"No."
"What then?"
"I am going to take some time, and clear my head. Think about who I am going to spend my future with," I said looking into Shane's dark brown eyes.
He tries to smile, but can't. I study every inch of him. This could be the last time I get to look into those dark eyes. I look at dark hair, tan skin, and flawless face. Shane is so beautiful that it makes me want to cry. Not only that, but he has such a big heart. He would be a great dad, and he loved this baby even though it was not his.
"I can't imagine a world where you and I don't end up together," Shane said taking my hand. I looked into those dark eyes, and there are no words needed. He knows how much I love him, and he understands why I am torn. There is a look of sadness on his face. The idea that we're over is heartbreaking. We were so close to our wedding day.
"You better drive me back to my car," I said seeing he has finished eating.
"Don't do this," Shane said.
"What?"
"Tell me goodbye," Shane said, gazing at me.
"Shane, I have to think about what I am going to do. What will be best for me and the baby," I said softly.
"You know the answer to that already. We both know," Shane says walking over to me. He is standing right beside now and his hands are on my hips. His lips are close to mine. We stand there for a few moments looking into each other eyes. Finally, his lips are pressed against mine, and his tongue presses against mine. He is kissing me in a public place in front of strangers. He wants me to know he isn't afraid for me. And he'll do whatever it takes.
"I need to think about this," I said pulling away. The moment his body wasn't pressed against mine I felt my heart dropped. Why did I have to want them both so badly.
"I'll take you back to your car," Shane said sadly.
He hugged me one last night before I drove away. Seven years apart, and still Shane knew me so well. He could pick out the perfect flowers for me. Would it ever be that way with Philip? And what the hell was Philip thinking going through my phone? He promised no more lies, and yet the next day he continued to lie. What was I going to do? Looking at Shane the answer seem clear. I couldn't help who I love, I thought. Still I knew ending it with Philip again would not be easy. I knew I could fall in love with, but I was not in love with him. Not in the way I loved Shane. I could never love anyone like that. Shane would always be my first love.