'THE DOOR, JOHN. LOOK AT THE DOOR.'
John stood in front of the door of his bedroom. Wait a minute.
'Didn't Rose yank the door off its hinges and prop it on my bed?' John pondered to himself.
Someone or something had put it back and left it slightly ajar.
He tried opening the door, and was surprised by a bucket of water falling onto his head as he did so.
The cackling of an old woman could be heard in the distance. "Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo!"
Behind him, the Kernelsprite appeared, the Kernelsprite that had been prototyped with Nanna's ashes.
'WHAT THIS IS SO OUTRAGEOUS.'
Rose could see the entire spectacle playing out on her screen. It was all rather interesting.
Her Pesterchum client blinked at her though, and she figured it was about time she answered Dave.
TG: oh there you are
TG: john said your house was burning down are you on fire yet or what
TT: No. For now I have retired to the safety of a smaller building which is much closer to the forest fire threatening my residence.
TG: oh well thats a relief
TG: john told me to get the game to help get you out of there so im working on that now
TT: Working on it?
TG: yeah my bros copy long story
TG: hey
TG: dont tell john this but i think he might have been right about the puppets
TG: theyre sort of starting to freak me out a little
TT: You're referring to your brother's collection?
TG: i mean dont get me wrong i think its cool and all
TG: the semi-ironic puppet thing or whatever
TG: or semi-semi ironic
TG: man i dont even know
TG: im just starting to think some of this shit is going a little far and its kind of fucked up
TT: I've seen his websites.
TT: I like them.
TG: haha yeah well YOU WOULD
TG: oh man i wish lil cal wouldnt look at me like that
TG: with those dead eyes jesus
TG: sometimes i dream that hes real and hes talking to me and i wake up in a cold sweat and basically flip the fuck out
TT: Interesting...
TG: oh god why did i just tell you my dream
TG: youre going to have a field day with that
TT: I am currently scrawling notes furiously into one of the many psychoanalysis journals I maintain for you. Published papers forthcoming.
TT: Because, you know, it's not like either of us have anything better to do at the moment than to evaluate each other's radically debilitating pathologies.
TG: yeah im gonna get moving
TG: oh have you heard from john
TG: hes not answering me
TT: He won't answer me either.
TT: But I am watching him.
TT: I suspect he is preoccupied with the fact that he just had a bucket of water dumped on his head by the ghost of his dead grandmother, who also happens to be dressed like a clown.
TG: hahahahaha
TG: alright im out
TG: later
'INTERROGATE THIS MAD WOMAN.'
John turned around and finally met face to face with the Kernelsprite, or perhaps we should call her 'Nannasprite.'
"Um…Nanna?" John asked hesitantly.
"Yes, dear!" Nannasprite answered cheerfully.
"Wow, you scared the living daylights out of me!"
"Hoo hoo hoo!" She chuckled.
"Well, I guess it was a really great prank. Good one Nanna." John replied. "Anyway, are you really my dead Nanna?" He asked her.
"Of course, John! I have come back to help you on your journey through The Medium and beyond! I am delighted to see what a fine young man you have turned out to be. Just like your father." She smiled.
"Okay, I guess I will take your word for it. I don't remember you at all! My dad said I was really young when you died." He said. "Hey, speaking of which, do you know where he is? I looked everywhere for him!"
"Your father was kidnapped!" Nannasprite exclaimed.
"Oh no!"
"When you crossed over to The Medium, he was apprehended by the very forces of darkness which your presence here has awakened."
"What? Okay, so what is the medium you are talking about?" John inquired.
"It is where we are now!" She told him. "A realm that is a ring of pure void, dividing light and darkness. It turns in the thick of The Incipisphere, a place untouched by the flow of time in your universe."
John was perplexed. "You mean because we are inside a computer, or in the game software or something?"
"A computer? Why, what is that, dear? Some new-fangled contraption, like the horseless auto-boxcar?" Asked Nannasprite.
"Well, uh, it's like this machine that, uh…" John was at a loss.
"Hoo hoo hoo!" She laughed. "Of course I know what a computer is, John! I was just pulling your leg! Hoo hoo hoo!"
"Oh, okay."
She continued with what she had been saying. "No, John. You are not inside a computer or software or anything like that! Try not to be so linear, dear. The software that brought you here was merely a mechanism that served as a gateway! Its routines in a way served to invoke this realm's instance, yet it stands independently of any physical machine, and somewhat paradoxically, always has!"
"I'm not sure I get it, but alright." He said. "So what do I actually need to be doing here?"
"I think it would be best if we started with the big picture!" Nannasprite began her explanation. "Above The Medium, beyond the Seven Gates, residing at the core of The Incipisphere is a place known as Skaia. Legend holds that Skaia exists as a dormant crucible of unlimited creative potential. What does this mean, you ask? I'm afraid my lips are sealed about that, dear! Hoo hoo!"
She continued. "But needless to say, where a realm of such profound importance is concerned, forces of light will forever be charged with its defense, while forces of darkness will just as persistently covet its destruction! And as it so happens, at the center of this realm whose fate is in question, these very forces duel on a stage, stuck in eternal stalemate. Yes, they have dueled in this manner forever…that is until you showed up!"
"Me?" John asked, bewildered.
"Yes, you, John!" She went on. "Before your mishap with my ashes, you may recall the Sprite's previous incarnation, which resulted from its Kernel's 'hatching.' You see, this hatching occurs automatically in response to your arrival! The result is a pair of Kernels, one dark, one light, each carrying the information they were prototyped with before the hatch! One goes down, to a kingdom entrenched in darkness. The other, up, to a kingdom basking in light! Each comes to rest in an Orb atop a Spire, of which there are three others in kind. The Four Spires are situated above a throne, and these two thrones preside over the two respective Sovereign Powers! And once the Kernels are situated, that is when the game is afoot. The true war begins, light versus dark, good versus evil. This is a war that the forces of light are always destined to lose, without exception!"
'A QUEST OF FUTILITY THEN.'
"Wow, really? Then what's the point?" Inquired John.
"That remains for you to find out, dear! For you see, the journey you are about to take is The Ultimate Riddle!" Nannasprite stated.
"Whoah!" He exclaimed.
"For now, your objective is to proceed towards Skaia, and pass through The First Gate situated directly above your house, not even terribly far! The Gates will become progressively more difficult to reach, so you had better be prepared to sharpen your adventuring skill!"
"How am I supposed to get up there?"
"You build!" She proclaimed.
"Okay, I think I get it now!" Said John with a grin. "So I guess the battle against good and evil is sort of irrelevant? Well, I don't know, that all sounds kind of weird, but in any case, we build the house to get to these gates, and then I can save my dad!"
"Yes, John!"
He jumped around excitedly. "And then after that, we solve this ultimate riddle thing and save earth from destruction!"
"Oh no, I'm afraid not!" Nannasprite shook her head. "Your planet is done for, dear! There is nothing you can do about that!"
"Oh…" He ceased jumping and frowned.
"Your purpose is so much more important than saving that silly old planet, though!"
"And that is?"
"HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO!" She laughed heartily. "John, you are such a good boy! I know you will succeed."
"Thanks, Nanna."
Nannasprite grinned thoughtfully. "You are a good boy, and good boys deserve treats!"
"Hooray!"
"I am going to go bake you some cookies." And with that, Nannasprite floated away through the wall, leaving a cyan colored glob of goo where she passed through.
Oh God dammit, that was just what he needed. More baked goods. John clutched his head in frustration thinking of his nemesis, Betty Crocker.
'JOHN YOU DO NOT SAY NO TO COOKIES. I COMMAND YOU TO GET THEM.'
John totally abjured the hell out of that idea.
But he was so busy abjuring, he didn't even notice that Rose had been trying to pester him this whole time.
Rose gave him a swift drubbing in the noggin with the red box that had been sitting on his bed with the game cursor, but he was undeterred! This was some fit he was throwing.
Perhaps she would take this moment to contemplate the Nannasprite's strange tale. It also behooved her to record her thoughts on these developments in her GameFaqs walkthrough/journal; but it could be hard finding time to update it. In fact, Rose was not even sure where she found the time to write what was already there!
She glanced over at Jasper's coffin, and noticed him peeking out where the lid had fallen off.
"Oh, is that so Jaspers? And just who do you think you're looking at with that smug grin?" She sneered at the feline corpse.
The last thing Rose needed was sass from a dead cat. It was pretty much all his fault she was in this mess in the first place, so he could just button it.
'JOHN. COOKIES. NOW.'
But he refused outright!
'THIS IMPUDENCE IS INSUFFERABLE. GO GET THE COOKIES!'
John grabbed a nearby pillow from his bed and buried his face in it. "Argh!"
'JOHN YOU ARE STUPID. STUPID STUPID DUMB DUMB.'
He dropped the pillow and raised his middle finger to the mysterious voice in his head.
'FOR THE LAST TIME I COMMAnd you to get the cookies boy.'
"Ugh! It's just not going to happen buddy!" he shouted angrily.
Years in the future…but not really enough to write home about, an agitated finger slipped mid-keystroke.
Frustrated with the boy on his screen, the Wandering Vagabond took a small break from his overseeing. When suddenly he noticed some cans sitting nearby. How fascinating! One was labelled "BEANS" and another, "MUSTARD." He wondered what this could mean.
But he soon forgot about them as he found a book entitled "Human Etiquette." Very curious indeed.