A/N: Hey I'm back! In light of the recent upd8 I felt inspired to pick this up again. (That and I have a little more free time.) But I'm sure no one cares about that. So, here's a Dave chapter!
Ignoring Lil' Cal, Dave continued his search for the beta.
He wandered over to the place where his bro kept his sweet turntable gear. Man that setup was sweet. Dave felt pangs of jealousy whenever he walked by it; really cool jealousy, though. Like the kind where instead of getting all worked up about it, you don't actually give a shit.
Dave noticed that one of his bro's rad and extremely expensive ninja swords was missing though.
He knew this drill all too well. Trouble was a brewin'. So he decided he should take the remaining sword with him. Just in case.
He approached the door to exit, but there was something on it he hadn't seen before. It looked like it was one of Bro's ironic comics that he had left for Dave to check out.
Meanwhile, behind Dave, Lil' Cal lurked nearby.
The comic featured a dog who had supposedly just killed another animal of some sort and was struggling with this realization. Then a puppet appeared asking if the dog wanted to "play a game."
Dave knew Bro left some of this stuff around just to get under his skin. This was obviously another ploy in his relentless siege of one-upmanship to get Dave's goat.
He thought that Bro knew deep down he felt like he still wasn't ironic enough to get stuff like this, and this was probably some weird gauntlet he was throwing down to see if Dave would "GET IT."
But honestly, he thought this material was just a little too ironic. Dave just didn't need this shit right now.
He walked away from the door that led back to the hall and instead made his way into the adjacent kitchen.
There was no sign of Bro in here either. Well, aside from the absurd quantity of dangerous stuff he always left lying around.
The walls were covered with throwing stars, daggers, cleavers, swords, and more. A similar array of items littered the countertops. In the sink, however, there were so many fireworks they could barely all fit.
With the escalating sense of threat, Dave thought it was time he shift his katana to his specibus.
He figured it was better to free up the card anyway, since he might need to grab some of this stuff.
Looking at the blender, he noticed that there was a small green puppet inside. Dave set it to "mix" and watched the blender rip the little guy into a bloody mess. He guessed Bro stuck some fake blood capsules in that puppet? Pretty gross.
Sitting on top of the microwave was a Jigsaw puppet with one of Bro's many webcams installed in the eye, recording the incident.
It seemed Dave may have just been an unwitting accessory to some sort of grisly puppet snuff film. He wasn't totally sure how he felt about that.
So he whipped out the katana and sliced the head off the Jigsaw, in a totally cool manner. That one wouldn't be spying on him again anytime soon.
Behind the microwave was the Buster Sword. Dave contemplated captchaloguing it, but this might have been the only thing in the whole apartment that was a bigger piece of shit than his own sword.
He put it back behind the microwave where it belonged.
Next, Dave opened up the blender and put the head of the Jigsaw puppet inside with the remains of his fallen comrade and set it to "crush ice."
But it just sort of bounced around in there. He was making a bit of a mess now.
He was going to hide the evidence in the microwave, but as soon as he opened it, a mass of Bro's Smuppets threatened to burst out.
See, like, his hobbies were cool and all, and Dave guessed he had to put his shit somewhere; but what if someone just wanted to heat up a burrito or something?
This kitchen was pretty much useless.
Dave then decided to captchalogue all the FIREWORKS (2+1+2+1+2+1+2+2+2 = 15%10 = 5) the sink had to offer. He just knew these were going to come in handy. Why would they be in the sink if they weren't?
It looked like one of them was still stuck in the garbage disposal.
Beside the sink were all the SHURIKENS (5), but as Dave grabbed them the box of fireworks popped out of his sylladex. He swiftly moved and caught them before they were able to hit the ground.
He had to be more careful where he put stuff, especially if he was looking to turn his sylladex into a powder-keg full of sharp things.
He put the BOX OF FIREWORKS (3) back into card 5 and prepared to start ov…
Or card 3, apparently. That settled that, he guessed.
Next Dave picked up the NUNCHAKU (3), once again grabbing without thinking as this time the fireworks fell out onto the floor.
He captchalogued the BOX (5) again, while adeptly avoiding the shuriken trap, which he himself set only moments ago, with a perfectly executed DUDE DODGE; and then again rounded up all the fireworks. It was time to regroup here.
Dave grabbed each SHURIKEN (3) one at a time out of the fridge where they had stuck, knocking out the nunchaku. But he wasn't worried – he had a plan.
He captchalogued the NUNCHUCKS (6), placing them nicely on card number six. Everything seemed to be in order now.
It would have been badass to go with the authentic Japanese names for each weapon, but sometimes he just had to compromise with this modus.
Dave examined his fetch modus card, flipping it over to the back. (He wasn't really sure where it was he was keeping this thing. Oh well, who cares.) There were a few different hash functions available for him to choose from, as well as an Eject button and an unchecked option that said "detect collisions."
Curious, he pressed the Eject button and was met with a window that popped out asking if he wanted to eject all items from sylladex.
"Oh hell no." muttered Dave. Not after all that trouble he went through to get that stuff situated.
This was potentially a very dangerous button.
Instead, he programmed his modus with a scrabble points hash function, adding it to the list.
A=1; B=3; C=3; D=2; E=1; F=4; G=2; H=4; I=1; J=8; K=5; L=1; M=3; N=1; O=1; P=3; Q=10; R=1; S=1; T=1; U=1; V=4; W=4; X=8; Y=4; Z=10;
This might have been a cool function to use, but when he tried to select it another window came out which read "Changing hash function will eject sylladex. Are you sure?" He was just not gonna do that yet. No way.
Finally, Dave settled on simply checking the "detect collisions" option and put away the card.
On the stove, lay an orange skateboard with a cheeky puppet sitting on it and staring at the ceiling.
Just what was this guy so happy about? And what was he looking at up there? Dave wondered.
If he saw one more soft, bulbous bottom being like, kind of jutting out and impudent or whatever, he was gonna fly off the handle.
In a single, quick moment, Dave pulled out his katana and sliced the nose off the thing, knocking it into the sink.
He then took the SKATEBOARD (6).
Actually, no he didn't. A collision had been detected with the nunchucks on card six.
He took the…uh…WHEELED…uh…RIDE (7).
Man, his inventory's nomenclature was getting lamer by the minute.
Turning to one of his bro's nearby mess of electronic devices, Dave noticed a POWER CORD (5). He captchalogued it…wait, no. Another collision.
He struggled to think of a new word for power cord.
BATTERY PACK (8)?
'Dammit.' He thought, as that too was no good.
He took the BATTERY PACK (9), using the 'Y' as a consonant and his sylladex reluctantly accepted the item.
It was a tactic notoriously employed by hash map noobs, but he just didn't care about that now. Besides, it wasn't like Bro was around to see.
However, behind Dave, a shadow of a man zipped by, dropping off Lil' Cal on the stovetop.
Dave turned around, thinking he heard someone and jumped in silent alarm at seeing the puppet sitting there staring at him.
"Oh, it's just Lil' Cal again." Dave said to himself. He could never stay mad at him.
Anyway, he had to get this rude hunger under control. He figured he oughta scope the fridge for some grub. This hunger was so ill-mannered it would have made a room full of snooty dowagers commit mass suicide.
He opened up the fridge and – oh god, more shitty swords. They tumbled out onto the floor.
Of course he knew they were in there. He wasn't even sure why he looked. If he wanted to keep any food or beverages in this apartment, he pretty much had no choice but to hide stuff away in his closet.
Dave looked at the pile of swords before him. 'The hell with it.' He thought and decided to try and take the entire JUMBLE OF UNBELIEVABLY SHITTY SWORDS and braced himself for…
Actually, it looked like that worked. The swords all went into card two of his sylladex.
Since it was still pretty hot out, he thought maybe he would try the ice maker next. But when he pressed the release it only dispensed a bunch of cherry bombs. No surprise there.
He glanced up the fridge a ways and swore he saw Lil' Cal's reflection watching him for a moment. He whipped around but didn't see anyone there.
'Where'd the little dude scamper off to this time?' Dave wondered.
Meanwhile above him, Lil' Cal perched atop the refrigerator.
Dave shook his head and got back to his quest of gathering up more shitty weapons and such from the kitchen. He went for the CHERRY BOMBS (9) unsuccessfully. But after mulling it over a bit he was able to take the RED SPHERICAL SALUTES (1).
BLENDER (2) was a pretty simple word and he could already tell that wasn't going to work. So instead, Dave took the WHIRLING BLADE PITCHER (4). That was really a much better name for it anyway, he thought.
In the sink, a lone firework still sat in the garbage disposal. Dave flipped the On switch and watched the firework get sucked down and shred to pieces. He haphazardly stuffed the purple puppet guy in too.
He still wasn't sure what he was so happy about, or what he was looking at up there.
While he was at it, he dumped the contents of the blender (oops, I mean whirling blade pitcher) into the disposal. But he suffered an unfortunate garbage disposal head jam when the Jigsaw puppet's head was too big to go down.
In the base of the sink, Dave noticed something in the reflection. Something above him.
He looked up at the hatch to the crawlspace above the apartment. Bro was always tucking away in there when he was busting out his rad stealth stunts. He was so slick the dangling cord never even jostled.
On the door it looked like Bro had used some messy red paint to draw a puzzle piece and inside it the message "HELLO DAVE."
Dave just knew he was being ironic with these weird mind games. There was no way anyone could be serious about aping those shitty movies.
Getting creative, Dave took Bro's nearby turntables and cinder blocks to make a fort. It was a pretty sweet fort and he was pretty sure Bro would agree. Under different circumstances they might be high-fiving over it at that very moment.
But rather than getting inside and taking her for a spin, Dave really just needed to use it to get up to that hatch.
It was time to face his destiny. There was no going back now.
He yanked the cord to the hatch.
The door opened up, releasing a multitude of Smuppets with it. They fell in what seemed like slow motion to Dave, squeaking and brushing his face in their descent before finally engulfing him in a giant puppet pile.
Yeah, there was pretty much no way there wasn't going to be a bunch of puppets in there. Dave grit his teeth and pulled out his phone.
TG: ok wait hold on why am i getting this stupid game for you
TG: youre the one who should be wrist deep in puppet ass
TT: What is the specific problem?
TG: the problem is i am up to my goddamn neck in fucking puppet dong
TT: You know you like the mannequin dick. Accept it.
TG: i am enrobed in chafing, wriggling god fucking damned puppet pelvis
TG: an obscenely long, coarse kermit cock is being dragged across my anguished face
TT: Let's put this into perspective. You put up with the puppet prostate because you love it.
TT: Also, coarse is a good word.
TG: you dont seem to harbor any sympathy for the fact that ive burrowed fuck deep into lively, fluffy muppet buttock
TG: im whirling in the terrible cyclone at the epicenter of my own personal holocaust of twitching foam noses
TG: its like a fucking apocalypse of perky proboscis here
TG: like
TG: the proboscalypse i guess
TT: Are you going to start rapping about this?
TG: what no
TG: no listen
TT: Prong of flesh bereft of home
TT: Found solace 'twixt a cleft of foam.
TG: no oh jesus
TT: Of apocalypse your thoughts eclipse
TT: A painted pair of parted lips
TT: That dare through kiss to stir the air
TT: That teases tufts of orange hair.
TT: And though faces flush in lovers' fits,
TT: Hands snug in plush as gloves befit.
TG: ok dickinson if you can shut your perfumey trap for a half second
TG: this is serious
TG: i am just saying
TG: if i see one more soft bulbous bottom being like
TG: kind of jutting out and impudent or whatever
TG: im gonna fly off the handle
TG: im gonna do some sort of acrobatic fucking PIROUETTE off the handle and win like a medal or some shit
TT: Then let's hope there will be a squishy derriere somewhere below the handle to break your fall.
Through the mass of puppets, Dave could just make out a note stuck to the inside of the hatch door above him with a sort of Batman throwing star. It said:
bro.
roof. now.
bring cal.
where doing it man
where MAKING THIS HAPEN
In a mighty leap, Dave burst out of the puppet pile like "the one," wielding his katana. He swung it left, right, and every which way, hacking the Smuppets to shreds.
"Argh!" He roared as he freed himself from the puppet prison.
It was time to go find Bro.