"Makes sense to use a TV show as a decoy, doesn't it? Keeps a history without you having to do it personally. That's why I have to wonder who else is doing it. So...do...whatever, to find out. Like ask TARDIS who or what, if anything, she can hear." I moved off down the trail toward my home. "Though I have a feeling I'm gonna regret the suggestion."
CHAPTER TWO: English Irritations
I listened to the one called 'Jack' as he looked around the yard and headed for the front door where I stood. He'd been giving orders to everyone since he got out of his rent-a- car. Well, he was about to be brought to a screeching halt because I don't let strangers boss me on my own land.
He got up to where I stood and started to open his mouth, found himself with my sharpest fingernail dead center in the middle of his chest.
"Shut it, Harkness." I told him. "I'm not impressed by the Doctor, what makes you think you're gonna impress me? Speakin' of himself, he's already fuming this morning, so watch your step with him." I pointed up a side trail around the house. "The reason he's fumin' is 'cause I put him to work this mornin', pullin' weeds outta my garden. All that nervous energy he was buildin' up could be put to a better use so I found somethin' for him to do. You go talk to 'im and when you get done, if you ask permission, I might actually let you in my house. If you just barge in without asking, I'll use my old 12 gauge shotgun and load your ass full of rocksalt and let you spend a few hours pickin' the bits out."
Jack felt his eyes go round. "Um, yes ma'am, understood."
"Good. This is the US of A and I don't mind remindin' th' English why they keep losin' wars they start with us. Mind, if I catch you tryin' to give me orders like that I'm gonna introduce you to the woodshed real quick like. Now, which one be 'Tosh'? I got somethin' she needs to watch and then tell th' rest of you about. Ninth already knows, by th' way, cause I got seasons all the way through but I only let him see the ones up to the movie on the 8th on him. And while she's doin' that, get them boat trailers down to the water and unload them boats. You can see the docks, so go ahead and get'em ready for tomorrow...too close to dark now and I dunno 'bout you but venturing inta the swamp and goin' ta show your bunch three more rifts big enough to make th' you got at home take one look at 'em and find somewhere ta hide. The Doctor said the one close enough to shore for him to scan was bigger than the one you got already and it's the smallest of the four I personally know of. You ain't here to investigate, you're here ta stay."
She pointed to the other side of her property where there was a steel barn going up. "I told Miss Gwen to make sure that was built tha way ya need it, that's your office over there. Now, long as she goes out at night, that funnly lookin' girlfriend of Ianto is welcome to hunt the marshes. And finally, I've got bedrooms aplenty so most of your bunch will be livin' with me. I'm gonna housebreak that Owen, just you watch. However, YOU will be livin' on the TARDIS for the Doctor to mind your manners an' your habits for me."
"Ma'am?"
"The way I heard it, is that you've fucked yourself all over half creation and I don' want whatever you caught doing that in my house." He was told bluntly. "More people means more diseases and I don' need to be scraping nothin' off my floors I don't have an immunity to so the Doctor promised to make sure I've got vaccines against anything you might have...so you most likely will be waiting a good while before you get in the door. If you ever do: From what he's said, we might be best off giving you bright red clothes with a warning label on'em."
He'd never been really made to understand why most of his friends were embarrassed by his behavior, but this old woman was making it a little clearer. She clearly thought he was a living biohazard...and didn't mind saying so. Loudly. He could hear his team laughing behind him. He scowled in irritation and accused her of being rude. He didn't expect the sharp nod he got in reply and the woman's retreat into a house he wasn't allowed inside of, slamming the door in his face to make a point.
"Was that one of that crew of English the Doctor sent for?"
"Yes, it was. Alfred...under no circumstances is Jack Harkness allowed in my residence."
"Yes, Miss. May I ask why?"
"Certainly." She glanced at Greyson and Wayne as she told their butler exactly and precisely why. They looked at each other and sighed.
"Well, that explains the vaccinations he insisted on last night." Dick sighed.
"So it does, Dick, so it does." Bruce nodded. "I do apologize again for ruining your Saturday morning cartoons by bringing you in the 'knows about it' group of private citizens, Ma'am."
She cut an annoyed glance at him for the reminder. "Keep up reminding me and I'll see to it the other Bert includes you in a chalk drawing with Mary Poppins...and make sure Joker sees it. Got me? "
"Yes, Ma'am. No further unneedful reminders." Bruce told her, paling a bit.
"And call this boy Rick or Richard from now on. With Harkness around, calling him 'Dick' isn't smart."
"I'm not interested in him, Ma'am."
"He's the sort that will work on you until you are...and he's good enough that you don't want to make him want to see if you've earned the right to be known by your bits."
"Too true," Ninth's voice came from behind me. He was the only one I wasn't still irritated at, which considering the weird types now filling my house was saying something. Not that he wasn't weird, just that he was less weird than the rest of them.
"He find you okay?"
"He did."
"Back to a wall?"
"No, but he does know better."
"I'll bet. Wolverine got a shock I hear...thought he was another like himself. I understand he was a bit disappointed."
"Somewhat. I told Xavier I knew of a few planets in other galaxies where the mutated members of humanity could continue to develop in peace. Took Magneto's bunch out last night. They were suitably impressed and have their own planet five galaxies away. So do the Xmen...but in the other direction. TARDIS doesn't want them anywhere near each other. Jack's in charge of gathering up any new ones and calling me so I can take them to the Professor. And I explained it to UNIT, so the rapidly evolving ones will have safe haven both at any UNIT HQ as well as Cardiff."
"That's good."
"And Kurt is now one of my companions. He'll do real well as such. Most of the main Xmen team are, actually."
"Like I couldn't see that one coming. I'd've thought Batman would have wanted him but, hey, different crowd. Plus Kurt would show him up pretty fast. 'Look ma, no ropes, boomarangs or whatevers'." She grinned at Bruce's chin, shamelessly.
"You are very good at putting Master Bruce in his place, Miss."
"Alfred, he's a cartoon charactor come to life. Did he tell you what I did to poor Riddler this morning?"
"Erm...no Miss."
"I poured paint thinner on him. He disolved into a puddled of paint and ink." She huffed. "No challenge and no fun at all."
"Perhaps you'd rather this version of me?" A deeper voice came from the door, and the latex covered form of one of the movie Batmans smiled a bit.
"Better. Yes, just a bit better. Where's Tim?"
A lighter head of hair stuck out from behind the bigger man, "Right here."
"Good, you can just fold Richard up and put him in the desk drawer when it's time for bed. Two dimenional heros fit in the damnedest spaces. Poor kid, I've used him for a book mark twice this week." She told the human Robin who just shook his head. "Nightwing...our's...is with us too. We heard the Doctor was here."
"He is. Got treed by wild tom turkeys trying to get a better look for Rose. That's when things sort of started to snowball. Torchwood 3 is here too. He's already found new homes in distant galaxies for most of the Xmen universe...but since he's deviated from his original Time Line there won't be Daleks and he won't be regenerating anytime soon. I hope. Ten is okay, I guess, but Nine's pretty cool so I don't mind that he and Rose are stuck here with no way back to their original universe. He can only protect one, after all, and I'd really rather he's looking after the one I'm living in than not."
"Really? That's not what you told me two weeks ago."
"I was still ticked off two weeks ago. I'm female...I don't have to provide...or even have...reasons to change my mind."
Every male in the room grumbled at this truth of human females...the difference was that at least this one admitted it.
"So...has anyone figured out why he'd be drawn in at this point? Or did we just get lucky?"
"I don't think 'lucky' is the word I'd use."
Myra turned to study Ninth for a moment, then sighed. "If you were anything from 6th under or if you were already 10th, I'd ask you what you've done. You're not, though, so...what now?"
The four Rifts have merged to become one big one...and this universe started moving through it to somewhere else as soon as I parked the TARDIS. The size of the universe means you don't really feel anything unless you're a Time Lord, but I feel plenty...and there's nothing we can do, except wait to see what happens."
Myra just groaned, sighed, "I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop ever since he got here." She finally told the rest, pointing at Ninth with her thumb over her shoulder.
The skies were a rainbow of colors and hues of colors, mixed and swirled together as they moved from where they had been to wherever they were going. Myra didn't even ask before moving herself and her household, including housepets and livestock into the TARDIS. She'd just eyed him, watched him sigh and nod at her.
"Go ahead." Was all he said. Unfortunately, the Time Lord thought later, he hadn't asked what she was moving in. Turned out, his ship had settled over the house and barn and drew them into one of the biggest parts of her he'd ever seen.
"Why?"
"Eventually, she'll disgorge us somewhere, whole and entire, so I still have a home...that okay with you?"
"That tone sounds oddly familiar." He cocked his head at me.
"Does it now?" And behind me I could hear Rose and Jack cracking up.
As it turned out, each group of us was being deposited in a different universe...but whatever force this was that was dictating events didn't remove me from the ship the same way all the others were being taken as we passed into places they couldn't exist. And at the end of it, all that remained was Kurt, me and the original crew...plus the Torchwood bunch. Of course, me and mine, that's a lot of critters, cats, dogs, cattle, swine, horses, goats, llamas...donkeys...all sorts of things and all tied to me until the day I gave Rose a litter of six puppies for her to share with Jack and Ninth. I didn't tell her they were Timber Wolves crossed over with Siberian Husky...she didn't know yet and I sure wasn't gonna tell her.
Eventually, though, we ran out of Rift and the TARDIS hung under her own power in a universe the Doctor didn't recognize. He was uneasy and that rather scared the rest of us.
TBC