A/N: Remember, reviews make plot bunnies breed!
"So she's not back?" Killeen asked.
Cullen looked up from the report he'd been staring at sightlessly. "How did you …?"
"You look like someone just ate your last piece of cake." She widened her own eyes mournfully and pulled the corners of her mouth down, sticking out her lower lip. "Oh, Maker, how shall I bear the absence of she who makes existence worthwhile? How shall I endure the grey, endless days before she returns and her smile makes the flowers bloom and the birds sing in —"
"Enough!" he roared, flung down his paperwork, and stalked out of the tent.
All right, that was probably too far, Killeen thought, although in my defence, he really is like some lovesick swain in a Varric Tethras novel.
Still. Cullen's obvious infatuation with a beautiful, brave, heroic woman was neither as inappropriate or humiliating as her own feelings were, but clearly it was not something he was comfortable enough about to take all her teasing in good humour.
Killeen was debating just how long she ought to leave him to cool off before finding him and apologising when he surprised her by sticking his head back through the entrance of the head. "Walk with me."
"Ser," she said, getting to her feet and grabbing her walking stick.
He held the tent flap for her. "I'm not that angry," he said with the faintest hint of a smile. "Leg still bothering you?"
"Only when I laugh," Killeen said, following him toward the edge of the frozen lake, and Cullen did laugh. "You could still lend me your strong and manly arm, though. I don't fancy doing the other one going arse over breakfast on a patch of ice."
"Of course, my lady," he said, and held out his arm with a courtly bow.
"If you're being all chivalrous," she said, taking it, "you could also lend me that abominable cloak."
"Oh, now, that's a bridge too far," Cullen said with a grin.
"Bugger. Worth a try, right?"
They came to a stop by the lake's edge. "I'm surprised you haven't stolen it while I sleep," Cullen said.
"Don't think I haven't considered it." She paused. "Cullen, I'm sorry, I —"
"It's alright," he said quietly. "I do … worry, when she's away. There are so many dangers in the Hinterlands right now, rogue Templars, apostate mages, bandits, not to mention demons. She's not much more than a girl, and a strong wind would blow her over. All it would take is one mistake, hers, someone else's, and … it would all be over. No Herald. No chance to close the Breach."
"She's pretty handy with that staff," Killeen said as reassuringly as she could. "Lady Cassandra's no pushover, either."
"Yes. Still, I would prefer … ah, it would make much more strategic sense to keep the Herald safe. Or safer." He sighed. "I tell you, I'd be much happier if Andraste had seen fit to give the Mark to you."
It hurt, the more so for being completely unexpected.
When thinking of someone expendable, someone whose absence or loss he wouldn't miss, the name he plucks out of the air is mine.
Killeen breathed in, icy air knifing through her lungs, and out, and in again, before she trusted her voice to be steady. "Well, maybe you can arrange a swap. I'd sure rather be out saving the world than getting writer's cramp and eye-strain over all the bits of paperwork you're too important to deal with these days."
"I'm sorry," he said immediately. "I know you've taken on a lot, and I … well. I appreciate it."
"It's fine," Killeen said. "I know how busy you are. I just need to complain every now and again so you don't get the idea I actually like it."
"I'll see if I can arrange some clerical help," Cullen said. "It's just …" He shrugged slightly. "When you do it, I know it's been done properly."
Well, that's something, Killeen thought.
Not much, not enough, but something.
And if there was one thing she'd realised since they arrived in Haven what felt like a lifetime ago, it was that she was going to need to learn how to be satisfied with what she could get.
Even if what she could get was not very much at all.
"We should go in," she said. "The paperwork breeds, you know, if you leave it alone too long. Like nugs."
Cullen chuckled. "In a minute," he said, gaze on the other side of the lake, and then, unexpectedly, "I like this view. There was a lake near Honnleath and this … it reminds me of home."
"You could go and visit," Killeen suggested. "It can't be far."
"No," Cullen said. "Not … not now. Perhaps when this is over. If the rifts have spread that far … I don't want to see what might have happened. Not yet." He turned to look down at her. "What about you?"
"Denerim seems untouched, so far," Killeen said. "The last letter I had said everyone was fine. Well. Jean's gotten herself knocked up by a fellow who turned out to be married to someone else and my father's winter cough lasted longer than usual this year, but …" She shrugged. "On a scale of normal to howling demons raining from the sky, everyone is fine."
"What will she do?" Cullen asked. "Your sister."
"Maker knows," Killeen said. "I gave up trying to predict Jean when she turned ten and I was off to Kirkwall two years later. And they've got my pay, most of it. If she can't get someone to the altar in time, she'll be embarrassed, but that's the worst of it."
"If, ah …" Cullen cleared his throat, and paused. "Not much to buy here, after all. If you need, if they need, I could …"
That hurt, too, in a different way. Maker, she thought, if I had to fall in love with a man who will never love me back, why did it have to be with a good man? Why couldn't he have been an utter bastard?
That would be so much easier to get over.
"Kill?" Cullen said, and she realised she'd been silent too long.
"No, it's fine. They're not in the lap of luxury but then, they're not living in a tent in the frozen arse-end of Thedas either, so I guess they can cope." A sound in the distance caught her ear, and she turned. "We should get back."
"You really do like paperwork," Cullen teased.
Killeen let go of his arm and punched it, not softly. "I hear hoofbeats. Either we're being invaded, or the Herald is back, and she found that horsemaster."
Cullen turned back toward the town immediately, and then checked his stride, and offered his arm to her again.
Killeen waved him away. "Go on. I'll be fine."
His manners were good enough to make him hesitate a moment longer. "You're sure …?"
"Absolutely. Go and greet the —" She hesitated, and then decided to be kind. "The horses. I'll see you later."
"All right."
She stood still a moment longer, despite the cold, watching him hurry toward Haven's gates. The winter sunlight drew glints from his fair hair and the ridiculous cloak swung around him with his easy, graceful stride.
Killeen took a deep breath. Maker's balls, I hope that Herald realises what she's got in him.
Then, slowly, carefully, she made her way back across the snow alone.