Chapter 5
Mary January 1918
Mary felt emotionally drained after the last 24 hours. It had only been a matter of hours where she actually thought Matthew might be dead but it had felt like an eternity. And seeing him again after thinking he was dead had only seemed to make her feelings stronger and more dangerously close to the surface.
Since Matthew had returned to the front the last time she'd felt like she was living two lives. Outwardly she was getting on with her life with Richard; not quite planning the wedding (the war had proved a convenient excuse to delay) but certainly planning their future together. Inside, though, she remained consumed with Matthew. It was as if, inside, she given in to her feelings for him and let them run wild. Even before he went missing she had been praying for him every night, little good it seemed to have done, and kept a photograph of him in the drawer in her dresser.
She wanted so much to love Matthew in the way that he loved her, as a friend or a sister, but it seemed to get harder rather than easier. When Matthew had told her he would run up to London to see Lavinia she had felt crushed, all over again. But obviously he wanted to see Lavinia. She cursed herself for being so weak. Matthew had clearly moved on and she knew she needed to too. She had Sir Richard, but the awful truth was that he wasn't enough. Matthew was in love with Lavinia. She and Richard had never pretended that was how things were between them; theirs was a partnership of mutual benefit, but it allowed room for her to still be in love with Matthew. She felt utterly trapped. She would marry Richard, but also go on loving Matthew and be crushed every time he chose Lavinia over her.
She closed her eyes. Matthew was alive though. That had to be the main thing. Bleak as her future seemed, it had seemed utterly desolate whilst she thought he might be gone forever. She could love him, and care for him, from afar. That would just have to be enough.
Lavinia January 1918
Lavinia hated saying goodbye to Matthew. It seemed that their entire relationship had consisted of saying goodbye. She loved him so terribly much; it broke her heart each time he had to go back to the front.
She wrote to him faithfully every week whilst he was away, and he always wrote back whenever he could. His letters spoke little of what was going on in France, but much of how much he was looking forward to their life together when it was all over.
Sometimes she couldn't quite believe that Matthew wanted to marry her and that that meant that one day she would be the Countess of Grantham. It seemed so absurd and unlikely. When Matthew had told her that he was heir to Lord Grantham she had thought him teasing her, and had been embarrassed when she had realised her mistake. She thought back to that party where they had meant. She knew she wanted to marry him after that first evening together where they'd talked of politics, art, music - oblivious the party going on around them.
She sighed as she remembered those early, heady days before Downton and before her nagging doubts. She loved Matthew with all her heart, and she knew that he loved her, but sometimes she wondered if she really had all of his heart. Lately she had begun to worry that some of his heart belonged to his glamorous cousin Mary. She felt ashamed doubting him, and she had had nothing but kindness from Mary, but, nonetheless, in the back of her mind a little voice had begun to whisper.
It was no secret that Matthew had a great affection for his eldest cousin; he'd told her so himself on many occasions, but sometimes the way he looked at her seemed more than sisterly. And sometimes when the two of them were talking together she felt like an outsider; like they might not notice if she wasn't there.
Matthew had told her once that when he first arrived at Downton as the new heir everyone had assumed that he and Mary would marry, as she had been due to marry the previous heir. When Lavinia had questioned Matthew on why that hadn't happened he'd told her, simply, that it wasn't what either of them had wanted. But when she saw them together she couldn't help but wonder if there was more to their past relationship than Matthew was letting on. She would understand if he had been in love with her in the past: she was beautiful, elegant, and strong. And Mary would make a superlative Countess of Grantham, much much better than she ever would.
Lavinia re-read Matthew's latest letter to her to try and reassure herself:
"Stay well my darling. I think of you always and the thought of starting our new life together keeps me going."
Lavinia tucked the letter under her pillow and said a prayer for her beloved Matthew. If he said he loved her then she must trust him. He was a trustworthy man after all.