Sorry about the delay in posting. Partly life, but also partly because I'm struggling with understanding Matthew from this point onwards, which is affecting my writing. If anyone wants to discuss further do pm me, or leave a comment below. Especially when he admits to himself he is still (always) in love with Mary, whether he is truly clueless of Mary's feeling until Violet's intervention in 2.07, and whether he re-proposes to L on impulse (like he seems to do most other things!)

Chapter 8

Mary January 1919

Mary felt like her forced smile would tear her face in two. Matthew was engaged to Lavinia - again. As she sat at the dining room table smiling she had a strange sense of déjà vu as she remembered hearing of their previous engagement three years ago. Like then, she felt wretched inside, but obliged to maintain an outward facade of indifference.

"Mary, isn't that excellent news?" the Dowager asked.

"Just excellent" she managed to reply, keeping up the face-tearing smile.

Later that evening Anna asked her if she was alright, just like last time. But unlike last time she didn't dissolve into tears.

"I'm alright Anna" she replied.

"I'm weary of it all to be honest"

She was weary of it. Weary of loving Matthew; weary of being jealous of Lavinia and weary of Richard's threats and schemes. But there was nothing to be done. She had to marry Richard for the sake of her family, and now Matthew no longer faced a childless future, he should marry Lavinia.

She knew it had to be so, but she loved Matthew so much it made her very soul ache to think of this future. Having him living under the same roof for these past months, and seeing him everyday, only made everything seem so much more obvious. There was no hiding her love for him, and she had begun to wonder if he didn't feel something similar. Even since Lavinia's return they had still managed to end up spending a good deal of time to together each day before Lavinia arrived from Crawley House, talking and joking and debating things that didn't really matter. She supposed it was reckless of her to continue to spend time with Matthew like this but it didn't stop her. When they were alone together it seemed like nothing else mattered; for some short time she could forget Richard and Lavinia and everything that had gone wrong, and just be with the man she loved.

It looked like Matthew and Lavinia would marry in April so she had three months before it was completely over and Matthew was gone. She would make the most of these months and then, when Matthew was gone, she would marry Richard in July as she'd promised him.

Matthew January 1919

Matthew sat staring at his bedroom door through which Cousin Violet had just departed. He couldn't quite believe the conversation they'd had. She told him that Mary was in love with him, that Mary had always been in love with him.

He couldn't believe it. It didn't make any sense to him. Mary really in love with him? Why had she never told him? Why did she not accept his proposal all those years ago? And if she was really in love with him, why was she marrying Sir Richard? It just couldn't be true, could it? They had been spending a lot of time together recently, time which he enjoyed much more than he probably should, but she was engaged. This was just Cousin Violet meddling in an attempt to secure Downton for Mary rather than Lavinia now that he could walk again. It had to be, because if Mary really was in love with him...

"Oh God!" he exclaimed to himself, still looking at the blasted door. He hit the sides of his chair in frustration. Mary Crawley did nothing but complicate his life.

Even if it were true it didn't make any difference. It couldn't. He couldn't throw Lavinia over, not now; not after she was willing to give up everything for him; and not now they had announced their engagement. He wouldn't be that sort of man - not even for Mary.