Before you start reading, for maximum experience, please go listen to Rest by Nevertheless (which is one of my favourite songs) while reading this chapter and I hope you have feels.

Chapter Fifty-Eight

After her crying had died down, Haymitch spent the next hour talking to her through the door. She unlocked it eventually and let him in wordlessly. Effie watched him warily from her corner as he placed the soup and bread on the vanity table. He would have put them on the floor in front of her, but it felt too much like something they would have done in a prison setting.

"You need to eat, sweetheart."

"Children…" her voice was hoarse.

"With Katniss and Peeta at the bakery."

He helped her off the floor and on to the bed. He eyed her quietly as she slowly nibbled on the bread. Effie had not changed out of the clothes for two days now, her silky hair was a tangled mess and her face was streaked with dried tears. Haymitch handed her a wet towel but she only looked at him quizzically so he took it upon himself to gently wipe her face.

She looked a little better.

"You have to brush your hair," he spoke. "It's knotted and you'll complain about it."

Effie did not acknowledge him.

"This is home, isn't it, Haymitch? It has to be if you're here," she leaned against him.

"Yeah, it is," he wrapped an arm around her and kissed her temple. "You're home. Don't… Don't run away from me ever again."

"I didn't run from you," she sounded indignant. "The guards were after me. I would never run from you. Never."

Haymitch kept his silence. There was no point bringing up what she did just three days ago. She had said it herself, the guards were after her.

Haymitch stood up and Effie whimpered at the loss of contact. He blindly grabbed a clean shirt from their wardrobe which turned out to be his and much too big for her but that was the least of his concern. Haymitch helped her out of her wrinkled dress and put the shirt over her, buttoning it up. To fill the silence and to focus her attention on something other than her breakdown, he told her about Johanna.

"Johanna was discharged this morning but she's being closely monitored. Felix told me that they're fighting again – Gale and her. She'll be staying with Felix at the Capitol in the meantime. I don't know how that arrangement came to be but she said something about her head doctor being in the City," Haymitch paused. Perhaps this was a good time to ask Effie about her own doctor but suggesting that could make her fly off the handle. "They released her interview on the papers yesterday afternoon. I saved it, in case you wanted to read them."

There was a long stretch of silence as Haymitch helped Effie with her hair. He watched her face through the mirror. Her eyes were vacant; her movements were repetitive as she worked through the knots.

"There was a lot of blood."

Almost immediately, his mind connected the blood to Johanna's torn stitches. He pictured the blossom of red on Johanna's hospital gown.

"The doctor took care of it. Nothing serious. Changed the dressing. Jo's fine."

Effie shook her head. "There was a lot of blood. On the floor. They bathed me in it. They say… it was for all…"

Her face fell. She dropped the brush in her hand and turned away from him. Effie crawled back to bed and slid under the covers.

"But I didn't kill her," she whispered. "She killed herself. I saw it."

Haymitch was legitimately confused now. He towered over her, standing uncertainly on her side of the bed.

"The guards gave Johanna electroshock. You must keep her out of the water."

"Effie…"

"Peeta screams at night. It made Annie cover her ears. We can hear him. But if you get him Katniss, he would be better," her voice was monotonous and flat. She was telling him all that was wrong and expecting him to fix it. "He thinks Katniss is a monster. Johanna laughed. She shouldn't. It wasn't very nice."

"Do you know where you are, Effie?" he crouched at the side of the bed, trying to get her to look at him.

"District Thirteen," she answered in a heartbeat.

Haymitch hung his head. Her answer made little sense to him. If she truly thought she was back in Thirteen, there was no reason for her to be telling him events that happened only in Capitol prison.

"They will kill Annie in front of Finnick," she went back to recount, trapped in her flashbacks. "The guards told us so. You musn't let Finnick near a television. He can't see it. Johanna is angry. She said Annie didn't know anything."

"You need to snap out of it," he frowned, his voice coming out a harsher than he intended.

Haymitch pushed himself off and went over the children's nursery. He snatched the family photo she had taken when the children turned six months from the peg. When he entered their bedroom, Effie was still mumbling to herself.

"The guards cut off Johanna's hair. I saw it. They told me that they will make it into a wig for me. They say I will like it. I won't. I told them I wouldn't. I don't want to wear Johanna's hair."

"Look at me," Haymitch touched her shoulder, shaking her lightly.

Effie looked alarmed. Her eyes widened as she stared at him.

"I didn't kill her. She took her own life. She left me all alone."

He frowned.

"Of course, you didn't," he agreed. This was the most she had told him of her past. "Who left you, sweetheart?"

"But her blood was – "

"Who is in this picture? Do you know them?" he cut her off and held the photograph up before she could go on.

Effie lifted her gaze and studied the photograph carefully. Her eyes kept flickering to Haymitch, the confusion written plainly all over her face. She raised her hand to her face. Effie touched the bracelet Haymitch had given her as a wedding present. She frowned at the wedding ring on her finger.

"She looks like me. She looks so happy…."

"I'd like to think that she is," Haymitch smiled wistfully. "I want her to be happy."

"Tristan," she breathed out and pointed towards one of the boys. "I'm – We're married, aren't we? Why?"

"Why?" his voice sounded strangled.

Haymitch shook his head. He ran a hand down his face at a loss. It was replaced by a softer hand with a gentle touch. Haymitch looked up.

Effie's blue eyes peered at him curiously, studying him intently. She brought his hand up and traced his wedding ring to see that it matched with the one she has. Effie sat up in front of Haymitch who was still crouching on the floor and tugged on his hand so that he would sit next to her. Her eyes slid towards the wedding photo she had framed on top of their bed. Effie spent a long time just looking at the photo; taking in the clothes they wore, the way they looked and then the recognition settled on her feature as she came back to him.

"I remember," she frowned slightly. "You were drunk at our wedding."

"Yeah," Haymitch nodded, "you weren't happy."

The hazy glaze in her eyes had started to clear.

"I can't imagine why I would be," she gave him a small smile. Effie looked at the family photo in her hand. "I miss my babies."

As if on cue, there was a loud excited scream announcing Ethan's presence.

"They're home," he told her. "Come on, you want to meet them?"

Ethan was standing at the bottom of the stairs, leaning against the baby gate that Haymitch had installed as a security measure. When he saw his father, he waved the toy in his hand happily. Peeta appeared, carrying Tristan and when he saw Effie out of the room, Peeta smiled.

"Everything okay?" he whispered.

Haymitch shrugged. He watched Effie held on to Tristan's and Ethan's hand on each side as she walked with them towards the sofa. "She's out and she ate some food. That's a start. Not sure how long it'll last. She may slip."

"There has to be something that could keep her grounded," said Peeta.

"I'm working on it."

Peeta nodded and excused himself, claiming that he had left Katniss alone with Prim while she was throwing a temper tantrum.

"Haymitch!" Effie cried. "Ethan's clothes are mismatched and Tristan is wearing Ethan's shoes."

Effie was clearly dismayed and when he looked over his shoulder at them, he saw Effie trying to keep Ethan still so that she could get him out of the pants that he had to admit clashed horribly with the boy's shirt. All he knew was that the boys' needed clothes and trying to get the colours to match was the least of his worry that morning.

Effie gave him an annoyed look and he saw her. He saw his wife. He wanted to laugh in relief at the sudden normalcy. He wanted to tell everyone that she was back and if he was into that kind of things, Haymitch would have hugged her and spun her around.

He wanted to kiss her.

And he realized that he could. He could kiss his wife if he wanted to. Nobody was going to stop him. So he did just that. Haymitch went over, slid his hand against her cheek to tilt her face up and pressed his lips hard against hers. It left her flustered and slightly taken aback but she smiled at him and her eyes twinkled; her eyes that had been dull and empty and dead for the past few days.

"Dada!"

Ethan squirmed uncomfortably, trying to get out of his mother's grip.

"Haymitch?" she asked quizzically.

He froze. This was not a conversation he wanted to have at the moment. Effie would ask questions.

"Was this the first time?" she looked stricken.

He wanted to lie but Ethan repeated it, wanting to be carried and whisked away from his mother's attempt at trying to pry him out of his clothes. Ethan called Haymitch out so fluently that if he lied and said that this was indeed the first time such thing ever occurred, Effie would know.

"No, sweetheart," he sighed. "It happened while you were… It doesn't matter."

He watched her face change, saw the consternation settling in and saw her closing up again.

"I missed his first word?"

"Well… you just heard his first word," he tried. "He hasn't said anything else. And Tristan hasn't said his first – "

"I should be there. If I hadn't been so weak… I wanted so much to -"

"There's no way you could be there for everything that will happen in their life. I'm sure we won't be there for their first kiss. You really shouldn't be – "

It turned out that it wasn't the right thing to say. Her face fell, her hand twitched. Effie lowered her eyes.

"It's not the same," she sat quietly watching them but not interacting any further.

He didn't tell her about their birthday.

XxX

When Haymitch checked in on her, he saw her curled up in bed, an arm thrown protectively around Tristan as they both slept. He made sure that his knife was safely locked away, that there was no scissors or anything equally sharp within her reach. He pried her palm open to make sure she wasn't gripping on to anything that could harm Tristan in case she woke up thinking she was in danger. Effie stirred but he kissed her brow.

"Go to sleep," he said.

He left the door open.

Ethan stood next to Haymitch. The boy had taken to following him around wherever he went.

"Do you want to take a nap with your mother?" he asked but Ethan pointed down the stairs. He wanted to play.

"I'll take that as a no," Haymitch grumbled.

Haymitch brought Ethan's toys and spread them on the living room. While the boy was occupied, he called Plutarch to check on the status of the file. He was told that Plutarch was working on it.

He was asking for a huge favour but he needed Plutarch to come through. He needed those information. Effie may think that it should all have been kept in the past and he would agree except it was affecting the present. The uneasy feeling swirled at the pit of his stomach. This was wrong; to go behind Effie's back in this manner but he had been backed into a corner. Effie could not go on this way. She kept it all locked inside, refusing to talk about it and it had accumulated to this. His children needed their mother and it was not fair to them.

It was not fair that they were born to two broken people. They should never have been born and they would never have been born had it not been for the law. But they were both here and alive, something Haymitch still had trouble believing in. Effie and him had demons but Haymitch would give everything he had before he let those darkness touch his children.

And if that meant digging through Effie's past, then so be it.

He swallowed the bitter taste on his tongue and ignored the voice in his head as he sprawled on the sofa while keeping an eye on Ethan. He reached out for his flask and took a drink. Effie would kill him. He would have drunk more but Haymitch forced himself to keep it away.

XxX

Haymitch dreamt.

He may have been drugged with morphling but Haymitch recognised this room. It was the room he had up woken up to after his Games. Haymitch touched the spot on his stomach gingerly from where he had taken a blow from an axe. It felt sore. He turned his head, half expecting Chaff to be seated next to him, grinning like he had been when Haymitch woke up.

Instead, in his dreams, he saw his mother by the door. She walked into the room in a long white dress that flowed behind her. He knew then that he was dreaming because if his mother had owned a dress of that sort, she would have put it up for trade to feed her sons. It must belong to Effie, he concluded, which was odd in itself because he had not known Effie back then.

"Haymitch, my darling little boy," his mother smiled. She touched his cheek and Haymitch leaned in closer, craving the sense of safety that had long been missing in his life. "Rest now."

"I can't rest. They need me," he tried to say but his voice came out raspy.

His children. Where were they? Why weren't they here with him?

"Your brother's safe with me."

He wasn't talking about his brother but still, Haymitch looked around hopefully. "Where is he, ma?"

The hospital room vanished. It was an empty room that Haymitch found himself standing in. He looked down at his hands. They no longer belonged to the sixteen years old boy. Time made no sense to him in his dreams.

In the distance, Haymitch saw a boy. His body thrummed in excitement. It had been so long and he was eager to meet him – his brother, his little brother. They were all here; his family.

Only it wasn't Lief Abernathy.

It was Ethan. The boy was crying silently, the tears streaming down his face. Haymitch picked him up, confused. The crying stopped. Ethan framed Haymitch's face in his hand and gave a sloppy kiss on his father's cheek.

"Dada," he gurgled.

"Where's your uncle?"

"Your brother's safe with me," his mother repeated, appearing suddenly to his right. "You will do what you can for your family. You're my strong little boy, aren't you?"

"I -" he hugged Ethan close. "I don't know how. Effie's beyond help. I don't know if I'm doing it right."

"A mother needs only her children. Give them to her. Never separate them," her mother told him sternly. He did not know where that was coming from. He wasn't trying to separate them. "You are not helpless. You're the smartest child. You will know what to do."

He wanted to scoff. His mother used to say those things to him. He was the smartest, the cleverest and the strongest but looked what had happened when he outsmarted the Capitol - his family dead. He sold his family out.

"But I don't know how to protect them!" he raised his voice and he felt like the petulant teenager all over again. Haymitch did not want to be smart. It gained him nothing but a tragic loss. He did not want to be the strongest, either, because he wasn't and he did not want people depending on him. "Tell me. Tell me what I should do."

"Don't fail them like you failed us," his mother's voice grew cold.

Haymitch shrunk back like he had been slapped.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. "Don't go."

The ground whirled beneath his feet and Ethan disappeared from his arms. Haymitch clawed the air desperately, batting away the fog that had settled around him. He started walking waving his hands in front of him to clear the air and stopped short when he saw three boys sitting on the floor of his living room in the Village, playing just as Ethan had been earlier.

Haymitch smiled and crouched down.

"Leif," he called out.

His brother looked up, smiling. His messy hair flopped down to cover his eyes and he pushed it aside impatiently.

"I like them," he told Haymitch.

"I know you would. They're good kids. They're mine."

Leif nodded.

"But I got to bring them back," Haymitch spoke. "Mum says Effie needs them."

His brother frowned.

"No. They're my friends now. They're staying to play," his brother pinched his lips.

"Effie needs them, Leif."

"No!" His brother roared and the innocent expression morphed into one of anger. "They're coming with me."

Lief grabbed Tristan's hand and dragged the boy over the floor. The fog thickened, obscuring Haymitch's vision.

"You can't, Leif. It's not time! They're my kids."

"You can have others! I only have two friends."

Haymitch picked his children up and Leif clung to his legs desperately.

"I want my friends," he wailed. "Please, Mitchy, I don't want to be alone anymore. You put me here! You made me have no friends."

The twins had started to cry, struggling in his arms and when his hold on them slackened, they ran towards Leif.

"You can't have them!" he shouted at his brother.

"I'll take them to Ma and she'll look after them just like how she took care of us."

"They have their mother. Effie will look after them."

"But she's no good, Mitchy. She has nightmares and she sleep in her room all day. She's sick."

Effie appeared, hands outstretched towards her children. The fog descended on her and swallowed her.

"She'll get better," he promised even as Effie began to disappear from view, her screams echoing in his ears. "She'll get better. Give me my sons back, Lief."

"You're no good either. You destroy everything you touch."

Haymitch awoke with a start. Ethan had thrown a wooden block on his head and was laughing at his father's dazed expression. He threw another expecting the same reaction except Haymitch was frowning.

He reached out to grab Ethan's hand but pulled it back hastily.

You destroy everything you touch.

Maybe his brother had been right but Haymitch wanted to prove him wrong. There was a way for him to help Effie. There has to be.

XxX

Effie did not keep to herself or lock herself away like she had but there were no improvements in her. Haymitch skirted around the subject and they never talked about what happened in District Two or her breakdown. He wasn't sure if she was truly aware of half the things that had happened.

Effie lacked her usual energy and spirit. She dragged her feet and she walked with a hunch. She was skittish and jumped at the slightest noise. She was incapable of consoling Tristan when the boy was crying and snapped at him to be quiet instead. Haymitch took him away, giving Effie an irritated glare although he knew it wasn't her fault. Her nightmares became increasingly worse. Her screams were so loud it woke the children up. Haymitch had to send them over to Katniss and Peeta while he talked to her and tried to calm her down. It kept him up at night and Haymitch was in a state of constant exhaustion.

Annie spoke to her over the phone and so did Johanna. Effie cried as she talked to them. He was not privy to any of the conversation. But if she was talking about what was haunting her to people who had experienced the same, then Haymitch was not about to stop her.

Haymitch pressed Plutarch for the file, telling him it was urgent.

The file came at the end of the week, delivered straight to the office of District Twelve's representative. The contents were so confidential that the representative had been asked to keep his silence and only Haymitch was allowed to personally collect it from the office.

Katniss came over when Haymitch told her that he needed her to keep an eye on Effie and the children while he ran some errand at town. She did not ask any questions. She had no reason to.

Haymitch picked the file up. It was thick and it felt heavy in his hand, as if it contained the world's entire precious secret. It might as well have. He headed to town afterwards to get some groceries in order to keep up the pretenses.

He locked the file in the study. Effie hardly ever entered the room unless she was helping her with the appeal but he locked the file in one of the drawers just in case. Nobody except Plutarch knew that the file was with him. The District Twelve's representative merely thought it was something important for the appeal.

Haymitch waited until nightfall when the boys and Effie had gone to sleep before he went back to the study. He carried with him a full bottle of whiskey. Whatever was in that file, he couldn't read through it without something to help him along the way.

This became his ultimate betrayal to Effie.

Euphemia Trinket.

Classified Information – State Property. Level 7 clearance.

Haymitch opened the file.

I want to ease you slowly to Effie's horrors and build it up before Haymitch finds out about her experience.

Thanks for reading! And i hope that song has helped in some ways. Please review & see you in the next chapter.