Right folks, this chapter begins to go a little AU though I like to think still within the bounds of what *could* be canon. The second part of this chapter is my attempt to begin to explain what happens to M&M between the end of S2 and the CS. More to come in Ch 13. Enjoy!
Chapter 12
Matthew May 1919
Matthew hadn't been able to sleep properly for weeks. He felt like a walking corpse. When he did sleep he had a recurring dream in which he was kissing Mary who turned into a pale and ghostly Lavinia saying that it was better this way. Those words tortured him. She had given up fighting the deadly flu because of him, that kiss had taken away her will to live. He felt like the guilt would eat away at him until he was nothing but a shell and it would only be what he deserved.
It had been a few weeks since the funeral and, whilst things were less raw, he still couldn't bring himself to look at Mary. He didn't blame her like he blamed himself but it was so painfully conflicting to see her. When he saw her he thought of that kiss, and when he thought of that kiss he felt wretched, yes, but also a deep longing for her that he knew would never be sated. Before he had been able to suppress his feelings for her because he believed that she didn't return them but now he knew she did it was much harder. And yet, it had to be over. They didn't deserve to be happy with each other, not after what they had done to Lavinia.
He and Mary were fated to go through life next to each other but not with each other. He would always find her more beautiful, more alluring, more desirable than any other woman, but he would not, he could not, allow himself to be happy with her. His desire for Mary had crushed Lavinia and he deserved to be unhappy. He deserved to not be able to hold the woman he loved; he deserved not to be able to kiss her; he deserved to be alone and unhappy.
Mary June 1919
Mary hadn't spoken to Matthew since the funeral; she'd barely even seen him. She supposed he was avoiding her, but they couldn't just leave things the way they were forever. She had decided to take matters into her own hands, and had been walking in the garden every day for a week hoping to see Matthew. Today she was in luck.
He was sitting on their bench, or at least the bench she had come to think of as theirs. She'd been reading there one days, years ago now, and he'd happened upon her and suggested that if she like a good argument then they should see more of each other. They had indeed gone on to have many arguments on that bench, mostly while Matthew was recovering from his injury, and mostly about things that didn't matter. Today perhaps they would have one that did matter.
Mary took a deep breath and called out to him startling him out of his reverie. He stood up in greeting and she waved for him to sit back down joining him on the bench. There was an awkward silence, so unlike them she thought.
"We need to talk" she said deciding that a blunt approach was probably what was needed.
"I know you've been avoiding me, and I understand why, but we have to find a way forward. We're never to be free of each other, you and I, and I can't bear us not being friends."
She ran out of steam, and looked at him expectantly. She was surprised to see tears in his eyes; he looked so miserable that she wanted to take him into her arms there and then.
"Mary" he said quietly, and sadly.
"I'm sorry... I..."
He faltered, his voice cracking. She noticed he was playing with something in his hands.
"What have you got?" she asked nodding at his hands.
"Lavinia's engagement ring" he said handing her the diamond ring.
It was beautiful in an understated way, with three diamonds set into a gold band. Like Lavinia herself she mused.
"It's beautiful" she said passing it back to him.
"Thing is, I just don't know what to do with it. They gave it to me, but now I don't know what I'm supposed to do with it."
"You must keep it" Mary said.
"I can't keep it" he said his voice cracking again.
"I betrayed everything this ring was meant to stand for. I can't keep it."
"You must keep it" Mary said again.
"And in the future you must give it to your daughter and tell her of Lavinia, and how kind and sweet she was."
She closed his hand around the ring. Now was clearly not the time to have the conversation she had wanted to have. Matthew was hurting and he needed time to heal. She stood up and smoothed her skirt down.
"I want to be friends too" Matthew said as she began to walk away.
She turned round to look at him sitting in the sunlight and smiled.