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Chapter Sixty-One
His mind was screaming at the burning pain starting in his chest; aching and piercing and stabbing. It was the kind of pain born out of the anger that stemmed from being so powerless, unable to do anything when someone he knew had been hurt and he was unable to change the circumstances.
It was the same pain that threatened to tear him apart; one that he harboured in his heart for years since his family and his girl was murdered. He had channeled that anger in bringing the Capitol down. He wanted to hurt someone just to elevate the pain; those men that had put Effie through hell.
But that was not possible at all. There were people he had to think about, people who depended on him. There were too much at stake.
His hands shook. Haymitch wanted to drink until the knowledge of Effie's experience fade from his memory.
Effie.
He had left her and the boys long enough. He should probably check on them but Haymitch didn't trust himself to be anywhere near them in his rage. There was still some whiskey left so with the bottle in hand, he headed out towards the porch.
The porch was fast becoming a place for him to sit and think, for him to spend a little bit of time away from everything else. He liked it here. It was quiet at night and peaceful, and if he closed his eyes, he could pretend that everything had melted away.
He had wanted to know so badly. Haymitch had told himself that it was for her own good and that he needed to help her but that was just him trying to reduce his dissonance. It didn't work because the guilt seeped through like a treacherous vine, twisting and coiling its way around his neck, choking him.
The only way to help her was to let her know that he knew everything and he would have to explain to her how that knowledge came about. He wasn't looking forward to that conversation.
Was he being selfish thinking of how angry she would be with him when he should be thinking of the more pressing issue of how to get her to seek help?
Effie had been seeing a doctor in the City – Exton Flaminius, an odd name if he had ever heard one but people in the Capitol had always been different – after the war though he had no idea if the treatment was discontinued by her or by him because the records in the file ended from when the Rebellion was won.
There was never any mentioned of her receiving treatment or going for doctor's consultation since she moved here from the day they got married.
How was he supposed to bring this up without setting her off? Haymitch pressed the heel of his palm into his mouth and bit on it. There was so much that he needed to say to her but he was so exhausted.
He threw the bottle onto the grass and made his way back to the bedroom.
XxX
The bedroom was illuminated by a dim yellow light from Effie's bedside lamp. There was a lump curled at the edge of the bed. He kneeled on the floor on her side and stroked her hair softly.
This small, petite woman had endured so much and stood so strong, so determined to live her life as if her mind had never been broken. His wife.
Haymitch had not given her much thought after the Rebellion. He was focused on keeping Katniss alive and getting Peeta back to Twelve. The sporadic assurances from Plutarch that she was well in the Capitol were enough to assuage him that he did not have to worry about her.
He had kept her as an afterthought, the woman who had worked alongside him.
Resilient. That was a word that he would use to describe her now.
Haymitch kissed her cheek, her lips and the tip of her nose before resting his forehead on hers.
"Effie," her name escaped in a soft sigh past his lips.
Her eyes fluttered open, looking up groggily. Effie stiffened and pulled back from him. He let her, but reached out to touch her hand.
"It's me," he whispered, brushing his thumb over her knuckles.
She must have recognised his voice because Effie began to relax. Her brows creased when she took the sight on him in, his face bathed in the dim glow of the lamp light.
"What's wrong?" she clutched on to his hand that was on her cheek. "You're …. Haymitch, what's wrong? Is it the children? Did something happen?"
Haymitch shook his head when she pushed herself up, worry and concern etched on her face.
"The boys are fine."
"Then why – "
He climbed into bed behind her and pressed a kiss on her bare shoulder, feeling the small raised scar tissue. He knew the story behind that particular mark now. Haymitch squeezed his eyes shut, the image of what he had read swam in his mind and he could picture Effie on her knees as they pressed the blade to her shoulder.
Effie shuddered at the feel of his lips on her skin. She twisted around to face him, wiping his tears with the palm of her hands. Haymitch pressed his cheek against her palm.
"Please tell me what's wrong. I've only ever seen you like this when I gave birth to Tristan," she pleaded. Haymitch opened his eyes and she caught the tear that clung on his lashes.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, sweetheart," he whispered. For what happened to you? For going behind your back? He wasn't sure. He only knew that he was sorry. Haymitch wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her closer to him. "You're so …"
"You're scaring me, Haymitch."
His eyes flashed and hardened as he told her fiercely, "as long as you're staying here with me, you have nothing to be afraid of, you understand?"
She nodded. Satisfied, he buried his face in her chest, felt her fingers running through his hair rhythmically. He started to feel slightly at ease.
"Why are you sorry?" she asked. "Did you drink more than you should?"
He mumbled a no and said nothing else.
XxX
Effie held him close. Slowly, his breathing evened out and he fell asleep with his head on her stomach and his arms thrown around her.
She had been surprised to see him that way. He had apologized and she couldn't understand why. Effie had smelt the whiskey on his breath but he wasn't drunk and she would know. She had worked with him for years and seen the worse of his drunken behavior.
She wondered if something had happened. The past few days had been a blur to her. She remembered bits and pieces; the paint on Tristan's hand, missing out Ethan's first word but above all, she remembered the nightmares the most.
It felt as if all the progress she had made was for nothing. The fear was as intense as during the first few months after she was released from Thirteen's hospital. The only thing that kept her grounded to reality was in knowing that she wasn't alone. She lived with her two children and Haymitch. She wasn't alone. The Village wasn't the BlackHole but the nightmares were not making her feel safe.
Effie was glad to be holding on to Haymitch that night. She knew she hadn't been there as much for the past few days and that he had been left to deal with everything alone. She wanted to assure him that she would get better, that this was just a phase and she would stand up as she always did but she didn't know if she could get out of this relapse. The uncertainty and self-doubt ate away at her.
If she had managed by some miracle to convince him that they were a family and that family stays together, she had ruined it with her relapse. What kind of man would want a mad, insane woman for a wife?
Finnick, the voice answered.
But Haymitch wasn't Finnick. Finnick had loved Annie. He had known how she was and had loved her regardless. Haymitch had never loved her. He had made it plain time and time again that he never wanted the marriage and if he ever needed a reason to get out of it when the law ended, this was it. She wouldn't blame him.
What kind of man would want a woman who locked herself for days in the bedroom and left him to look after their two infant children?
Effie choked back a sob. What kind of mother was she to have abandoned her children like that just because she couldn't handle the sight of blood? She was weak.
She tightened her hold on Haymitch. Effie didn't want to lose him. She couldn't go back to her apartment in the City, living on her own again because Haymitch would never let her have custody of the children in the state that she was in.
She needed to get better. And she needed the law to be in effect for a few more months or a couple more years until she knew for certain she would never relapse again. She could fix herself in the meantime.
XxX
"Sweetheart," he brushed back the hair that was matted to her face. Effie was perspiring and her limbs were twitching as she pleaded not to be left alone. "Wake up. It's a nightmare. Come on, open your eyes. You're not alone. I'm here."
It took a while for his voice to weave into her nightmare but when she finally opened her eyes, it darted around the room, taking everything in. She curled against Haymitch's side, breathing his scent and tried to calm the erratic beating of her heart.
"What was it about?" he rubbed her back.
"It's… It's nothing, Haymitch," she smiled weakly.
It was always nothing with her.
"You … should talk to someone about it," he began. Maybe this was a good time to bring the subject up. "It doesn't have to be me," he shrugged. "Someone who could help, someone you trust."
"I trust you," she frowned.
"Professionally, I mean. Like a - "
The audio monitor lighted up and they could hear Ethan's unintelligible blabbering. The boy had woken up and from the noises he was making, he would wake his brother up soon enough.
That was it then, the end of that conversation. Haymitch grumbled under his breath but Effie passed it off as him being put off that he couldn't lie in a little longer. He moved away but Effie instinctively grabbed the front of his shirt, pulling him close.
"I won't be long," he assured.
She unfurled her fist, nodding in embarrassment.
Haymitch returned soon enough carrying Tristan in his arms. Ethan held on to Haymitch pants, his tiger soft toy clutched tight in the other hand as he walked next to his father. Effie sat up, waiting eagerly for them to approach. When Ethan saw his mother, he let go of his father and ran forward on his tiny legs, trying to climb up on to the bed that was too tall for him.
He looked back at Haymitch while pointing to Effie, "ma."
Haymitch raised both eyebrows in surprise and then he smirked, grabbing the boy's bottom to nudge him up.
Effie stared at her son. Slowly, a joyous smile spread across her face. She reached out and pulled Ethan towards her, cuddling and kissing the boy.
"He called out to me," she smiled at him and Haymitch smiled back.
A smile had been absent from her for the past weeks and he realized that he missed her smile. Haymitch leaned back against the headboard and settled Tristan on him. He watched her as she tried to coax the word out of Ethan again.
"Ma," Haymitch said.
Ethan copied him. Effie laughed lightly.
"Have you been teaching him?" she asked.
He shrugged. "The fruits of my labour," he ruffled the boy's hair. He seemed to think about it for a minute and then said, "that could be taken in another way entirely. But yeah, I taught him although he has never said it until today."
"Tristan has not said a word yet, has he? Should we be worried?" she asked.
"Didn't your book said between 11 to 14 months for them to talk?"
"But Ethan's already – "
"Eff, twins or not, they're two different kids. Maybe he just picked things up faster," he nodded at Ethan, "than his brother. Tristan's real quiet since the day he was born."
"Can I have him, Haymitch?" her voice was hesitant.
Effie couldn't remember when or why exactly but she somehow knew that she had snapped at Tristan. The boy had been reduced to tears and Haymitch had come running into the living room. It was hazy but she thought Haymitch had been mad at her and he may not even realize he was doing it but he had not let Effie anywhere near the nursery during those rare moments when she went out of her bedroom to look for her children.
"Yeah," he grunted, moving to shift Tristan but the child's face changed and he buried his face in his father's chest.
Effie's face fell and she retracted her hand.
"He's afraid of me," she observed with a note of sadness.
"That's not it," he shook his head. "You know Tristan. He's very clingy. He hasn't seen you around much and he's gotten attached to me. He just needs some getting used to. Give him some time. Come here," he gestured, opening his arm to her.
She scooted forward, resting her head on Haymitch's shoulder. His hand came up to wrap around her. Ethan sat in the space between them. Effie stroke Tristan's back comfortingly and the boy turned his head to look at her, a thumb stuck in his mouth. Normally, she would have pulled it away but she couldn't bear to deny her son anything else at the moment. She let it be.
"I miss you, baby," she spoke quietly to Tristan. "I did you wrong, didn't I? But I don't remember why."
She frowned as she tried hard to remember. Haymitch kept quiet. There was no use bringing filling the gaps in her memory. It would only serve to upset her.
"I'm sorry. Please don't be afraid of me. I miss you so much, Tristan," she stretched to kiss his cheek.
Effie laid Ethan down until he snuggled against her.
"This feels nice, Haymitch. I feel… I want to stay here in bed with you and the children," she told him. "I won't hurt them."
"I know you won't."
Effie fell asleep with the sun high in the sky. Ethan, who was wide awake, played with her hair and Tristan had felt comfortable enough to curl next to his mother. Haymitch watched over them.
He had often wondered what peace was like. It changed over the course of his life. Peace was a day in the meadow with Myra and that was the last true peace he had known. Then he thought, peace was when the Games were over for the year and he could forget everything with a bottle and peace was when the war was won but he knew they were all a lie, something he told himself to tame the pain and the anger in his heart because there was no peace without contentment.
He was contented, he realized, as he watched over his family. Funny how he had been angry enough to hurt and kill someone yesterday but being with them erased it all from him. Their presence had subtly washed the malicious thought out of his mind.
"Come on, your mother's asleep, let's not disturb her," he said as he carried them both out of the bedroom.
While editing this, I thought the song Hazy by Rosi Golan seemed fitting for the first half of this chapter. Anyway, after that.. intense past two chapters, I'll give you something light for you to take a breather, before I throw you something else again.
Please leave a review and share your thoughts/opinions.
On another note, the next update will only be in September. I'll be going to Thailand for my vacation this Friday and so, won't be able to update over that particular weekend. See you in September! :)