This chapter contains mention of body image issues

RyderPOV-

''You have a nice jaw,'' Blair trails kisses down the bone ,''I love it.''

It's early in the morning on New Year's Eve, not even seven yet.

So we're making the most of our time before Noah wakes up.

''I love your… everything,'' I gently push her shirt up, rubbing the heated skin of her back, ''But please stop acting like we don't have to talk. We've been avoiding this conversation.''

And I am just as much to blame as you are.

''I know that you don't think the surrogacy is the best choice. You're worried about me, but I'm worried about us being able to provide for Noah. We need the money, and we need it now. Even if we both get extra jobs, it wouldn't be enough. We have to take care of him, plus put aside money for emergencies. Not to mention the fact that I would be helping Puck and Quinn She has done so much for me, Ryder.''

''I get that, Blair. I really do. But I was reading up on surrogacy, and you have to be tested to know how physically healthy you are. Also, they said that a lot of mothers get emotionally attached to the baby. You had a hard time when Kurt and Blaine adopted Gracie, and you were still able to see her everyday. What makes you think you can do this?''

I know how strong you are. Believe me, I do.

Which is why nobody wants to see you break again.

''Don't worry about me, Ryder. We have to do what's best for Noah-''

''And you told me that you being healthy was important. So that we could both take care of Noah. You're still recovering from your eating disorder, because it's an ongoing battle. Do you not remember yesterday? Because I do.''

It was a bad day for her, when her personal insecurities got the better of her, and she couldn't see what everyone else sees.

She believes she's smart, she knows she's talented. So why does she still have these days?

''I am in a much better place than I was when I was eighteen, or even last year this time,'' she reminds me ,''No, I don't love myself everyday. Yes, I cry some days because I can't stand to feel inadequate. Those days have nothing to do with the way I look. I like the way I look most days. The bad days are due to my constant fear of not being a good mom, a good daughter, or a good person. Sometimes I just want to feel smart enough, talented enough, good enough.''

We both have those days.

Which is why we're supposed to be there for eachother.

''You're mot

''I also want to take our relationship into consideration. We have done some pretty messed up things to each other, but I think that we have come a long way from that. We're actually keeping our promises to each other, and not deliberately trying to hurt each other,'' I move some hair from her shoulder ,''So what's wrong with focusing on us?''

''I am very committed to you, and you are to me. Yes, Noah is our main priority. but we still make time for eachother.''

''What I mean is that we just got back together, are trying to make this work, and raise our son, and keeping up with our jobs, and finish school.''

''Exactly, Ryder. And with the money they'd give us, we would be able to support Noah for a while, even while working. Look, I know you're worried. I am, too. But I'm thinking about Noah. My mom worked a lot to support me, and I admire and love her for that, I think I should do the same.''

She's right. She's so right. In a lot of ways, she's not the same girl I asked out in high school. The girl who always hid behind a smile, too afraid to really be herself.

I'd like to say that we both matured, but I can't speak for myself. We've been through a lot, and she always seems to come out better for it.

So why wouldn't she now?

''Look, we're boyfriend and girlfriend. For us, that's pretty fragile. Still, I know I don't have any say over what you do. If you think that you can do this, that you're emotionally and physically able to do this, then I'll support you.''

She presses a kiss to the skin of my neck, and I feel her smile against me.

''I can admit that I still get insecure. Especially when you're at events where you're photographing the most beautiful girls. I always have to remind myself that just because someone is attractive, smart, and talented doesn't mean I'm not. Sometimes I just really need you and our life together to remind me that we're worth fighting for.''

''Of course we are. Who knows? Maybe this is the best,'' I shrug, ''It'll help us get Noah what he needs.''

''True,'' she grins fondly, obviously thinking of the two-year old in the other room ,''Quinn and Puck will help. I'll call them later so that we can set this up while they're in New York.''

I really hope that you're right, and we can work this out. I've taken both Kurt and Blaine's advice: giving her space while letting her know I'm here for her.

We may be a couple, but we are still two different people.

''We can be a real mess sometimes, can't we? But we always clean it up in the end,'' she traces patterns on the skin of my forearm ,''I do love you.''

''I love you, too.''

Everyone knows we're not perfect. Hell, sometimes it amazes me that we're still together. We are never going to have the bond she wants, the bond her parents have. We're not them. Heaven knows we've tried, and just ended up hurting each other.

Sometimes, I wonder how Kurt and Blaine do it. Especially with four kids, and everything that has gone on this year. My parents couldn't make it work, and they always seemed so strong to me. Kurt and Blaine have it all together it seems, even after the shit hits the fan. They come out of everything together, better than they were before.

Hopefully it'll be that way for us.

SugarPOV-

''Mr. Motta will see you now,'' my dad's secretary speaks, not glancing up at me.

Not that I mind. I plan to keep my visit short.

''Close the door behind you,'' my dad keeps writing, scribbling away at the papers on his desk.

''Dad, could you please look at me?''

He looks up,''Sugar. This is a surprise. Clara didn't specify who was here to visit me. Please, have a seat.''

I hesitantly sit in front of him, hands folded in my lap.

That's it. Keep your calm. Don't let whatever he says get to you.

''Is there a reason that you came to see me? Your husband not providing for you-''

''I do not need Rory to provide for me. I am perfectly capable of making it on my own should the situation arise. Rory does an amazing job, balancing a family, work, and school. My issue is with you.''

That takes him by surprise, because he closes his notebook, focusing all of his attention on me.

''Oh? And why is that?''

Here we go.

''I have spent years trying to be enough for you. I got good grades, and kept up with glee as well as my hobbies. Still, you disappointed me. A lot.''

''Sugar, I'm very busy-''

''Please, dad. You're busy? Kurt is busy, and he always made time for Rory. He always makes time for the four kids that they have living at home now. Blaine was, and is, always there for Blair. Why can't you do the same for me?''

''Excuse me, young lady, but I work very hard to provide you with the money-''

''Dad, that doesn't substitute the love. My whole life, I have always pushed myself harder and harder,trying to be the daughter I thought you wanted me to be. I can't do that anymore. My sister-in-law made herself sick trying to be what she thought she was supposed to be: perfect. We're human, dad. Perfection doesn't apply to us. I need you to accept me as I am, dad. And stop speaking badly about my husband, my kids, and my life. Yes, I had them young. Yes, Rory and I should have been more careful. But Wendy and Finn are my life. I would do anything for them. That includes being there for them whenever they need it. At this point, I can count the times that Kurt has been there for me and you haven't. I want to fix this, but we both know that I can not do this alone.''

Please, for once, be on my side.

He runs a hand through slightly grey hair, sighing in frustration.

''You're a lot like your mom, you know that? The part I always loved the best, though: determined. I wish that I could go back in time and change what has been done, but I can't.''

Of course not. Hands on the clock only turn one way.

''We can fix it now, dad.''

Please.

''Sugar, I'm still trying to get everything together. Your mom and I had a bad divorce-''

''Your marriage problems are none of my business, dad. I'm sorry, but that has nothing to do with me. I want to get to know you, because we have drifted apart. If that's not what you want, then I need to know that now. I don't want you there if you don't want to be, saying bad things about my family and career choice. No hard feelings if you decide that this is not what you want.''

It would hurt, but I wouldn't hold it against you.

''Look, I agreed to help support you and Rory. I know how hard it can be for a young couple to get their footing. That doesn't show you that I care.''

''I don't want your money, dad. I want your time,'' I sigh ,''Look, I have to go to work. But I hope you'll consider what I have to say. That's why I talked to you, so I could say that I at least tried. Good bye, dad. I do love you.''

I close the door to his office, hurrying out of the waiting room and rushing towards my car.

The tears fall as soon as I am in the car, blurring my vision as I frantically dial Rory's number.

''Finn, Wendy, please. Daddy's on the phone,'' I hear him say to our children before turning his attention to me ,''Hey,Sugar.''

''Thank you. You're kind of my rock, you know that?"

I have absolutely no idea what I would do without you. You make me stronger when I can't do it for myself.

''I take it that the talk with your dad didn't go well,'' he sighs ,''Are you okay?''

Yes. Of course I am.

''I don't know. Can we not talk about this now? I want to go in to work with a clear head.''

Just put a smile on, and no one besides me will know what's wrong.

''If you're sure,'' I can hear the reluctance in his voice ,''Well, I've fed and dressed the kids. They say hi.''

''Tell my babies I say 'hello','' I laugh, checking my red, puffy eyes in the mirror, ''I've got to go, Rory. I love you, alright? And tell Finn and Wendy I love them, too.''

''Will do,'' I can practically see his smile ,''I love you, too Have a good day at work.''

It's funny. I never appreciate what I have until it's in danger of being taken away from me.

Maybe, hopefully, my dad feels the same way about his strained relationship with me.

He may not be the dad that Rory is, or have time for me the way that Kurt and Blaine have time for their kids.

But acceptance would be the first step in mending this broken promise.

''There you are,'' Kurt smiles, glancing at his designs, ''I was beginning to wonder if you forgot you had work.''

''Sorry. I had to talk to my d-dad.''

Damn my voice for cracking, showing emotion when I don't want it to.

''Sugar,'' Kurt sets his papers aside ,''I know we have to maintain a relatively professional relationship at work. However, I am still your father-in-law. As your boss- and, more importantly- your father-in-law- your mental, physical, and emotional health mean a lot to me. Not just for business, but because we're family. You know that you can talk to me, right?''

''Thank you,'' I step closer to him, wrapping my arms around him ,''You've been a really good dad to me.''

Without me having to say anything else, he understands, and wraps his arms around me in a tight embrace.

''I'm here for you, okay? It's alright.''

Yes, I'm strong. Sometimes, I get confused with the difference between strength and stubbornness.

And, sometimes, it's nice to have someone hold you, tell you it's all gonna be alright.

''Thank you,'' I whisper, pulling back, fixing my clothes, wiping my eyes ,''Your kids are very lucky to have a dad like you.''

If Rory turns out to be half as amazing as you are with your kids, then I'm not worried.

''Sugar, don't you dare thank me for something like this. We're family, arlight? Now, come on. Let's get these designs done so we can leave early.''

Maybe I don't have the relationship with my dad that I crave. Maybe Kurt and Blaine treat me like I'm there daughter because- even if my dad doesn't see me that way- they do.

Perhaps that's the way it's supposed to be. I don't know. All I really know right now is that this family has made me feel more welcomed than I felt living with my mom and dad. Blair is like my sister, and I love Grace, Jade, Liam, and Jacob as well. Kurt and Blaine are always there for us, picking us up and pushing us along. And Rory… Rory Hummel is one of the best things that have ever happened to me.

My dad might not want a relationship with me, but I'll be okay.

Because, right now, I have a real family.

And I'm happier than I've ever been.

BPOV-

I'd hoped I would see results by now. After all, that is why I've been going to the gym.

Okay. So maybe I am expecting too much, too soon. Still…

''If you had told me when we first met that I would have just gotten into an argument with our teenage daughter about her wearing makeup, I never would have believed you,'' he sets a makeup bag on the dresser, ''We're going to have to get her some age appropriate makeup.

He's so good at that. He usually resolves a fight before it happens.

How did I ever get lucky enough to raise kids with this man?

''So Liam is spending the night at his friend's house, since he's not grounded anymore. Jade is going to Diana's house. Ryder and Blair have agreed to watch Grace and Jacob. I know that they don't want us to pay them, but we're going to anyway. They need the money,'' he comes up behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist ,''And, later, tonight, we can officially be alone and celebrate our anniversary.''

Three years. I have been married to this incredible, loving man for three years.

''You okay,'' he asks, resting his head on my shoulder ,''What's got my husband so down?''

''Nothing.''

I'm a terrible liar. He knows me too well. He saw right through that.

''Blaine, part of being married is telling each other the truth. You suck at lying, honey.''

I know.

I'm just scared to tell you what's really going on.

''While we're being honest, I found something interesting,'' he leaves my side to sit on the bed, patting the spot next to him.

''What would that be,'' I sit next to him, eyes focused anywhere but on his watchful gaze.

''Well, I guess you forgot to close out of whatever you were researching when you used my computer. Because when I opened it, I ended up on website's on how to 'tone up' quickly. Care to explain.''

Shit.

''I.. it's your body, Blaine. But after everything we went through with Blair, I can't say that this doesn't make me extremely nervous. The same fear you felt when we found out that she was starving herself? It would be a lie to say I didn't feel that way.''

That's a terrible feeling. It makes you sick to your stomach, makes your heart beat out of control, makes your mind spin like a top.

I wouldn't wish it on my worse enemy.

''I'm sorry.''

''Don't apologize,'' he sighs, resting a hand on my knee ,''Talk to me. What's going on? I understand you wanting to get back into a normal routine, but spending too much time at the gym or on a bad diet will only make you unhealthy.''

You don't get it.

''It sounds stupid if I try to say it outloud,'' I explain ,''I need to know that you're not going to judge me.''

I've been judging myself enough for the both of us.

''Hey,'' he waits for me to look at him ,''We've been through a lot this past year. I think that this past year proves we're solid. Talk to me, Blaine. What's going on?''

''It's just… I really don't feel good about myself right now. I don't know why, Kurt. It's just… I haven't felt good enough. Not smart enough, not attractive enough, not talented enough.''

So inadequate. I've spent weeks wondering why you don't see it.

''Blaine,'' he speaks quietly, taking my hand in his ,''That's not stupid. Everyone has those days. Hell, I've had months like that. You remember how I was when we met? I was a wreck. Why did you think that you couldn't come to me with this? I wouldn't judge you. I just want to know why you feel like you have to 'tone up' or lose weight. Are… are you really unhappy with your body?''

This is a conversation I had with him when we first started exploring our physical relationship.

Oh, how the tables have turned.

I don't speak, trying to gather my thoughts together. Of course I knew deep down inside that Kurt would never make me feel inferior on purpose. He's not like that. Maybe I was just afraid of drawing his attention to what I saw when I looked in the mirror, or thought of my own insecurities.

''I'm sorry.''

''Please stop saying that, Blaine. Look, I get it. I don't know a single person that doesn't have at least one insecurity. There's so much pressure on people to look a certain way. It's not just for women, but for men, too. We're told we have to look a certain way, be a certain way… the pressure can be too much.''

Another silence follows, and I drop my head to his shoulder.

''Just listen, okay,'' he states softly ,''You are the strongest person I know. I saw your determination when you were in physical therapy, I see it now as you continue to get back into our daily routine. It's the determination I fell in love with.''

My husband lifts my hand to his soft, pink lips, pressing a tender kiss to it.

''You are smart, Blaine. You need to know that. Blaine Anderson-Hummel, you are one of the smartest people I have ever met. Good enough? Blaine, you are more than good enough: smart, loving, kind, patient, talented… I could go on, but we'll be here for weeks,'' he laughs slightly, and I let out a breathy chuckle ,''You've been spending time alone. Sometimes, that makes us overthink. What you have been feeling? That's not stupid at all, Blaine. Hell, I've been there before. I need you to understand that no matter how badly you feel about yourself, you have to talk to me if it's more than you can handle. For better or for worse, right?''

Thank you. For understanding me, reassuring me, just… everything.

''I am crazy about you,'' I lift my head up so that I'm face-to-face with him, glasz eyes stunning me just as much as they have from day one.

''I should hope so,'' he leans in to kiss me ,''As for your body, it's fine. You look incredible, Blaine. If you need any reminders of how much I love your body, I am more than willing to remind you about that tonight.''

''And you always say I'm the insatiable one,'' I roll my eyes, wrapping an arm around my husband, ''Thank you, Kurt. You're my strongest support system you know that?''

''You're there for me, and I'm there for you,'' Kurt shrugs ,''I love you.''

''I love you, too.''

That's the one thing I have never doubted.

''So, I'm going to help Grace finish packing her overnight bag. Feel free to gaze at me as I leave,'' he smirks, standing and exiting our room.

''Believe me, I am taking advantage,'' I call after him, smiling when I hear his laugh.

Not even half an hour ago, I was dreading Kurt seeing my every flaw, mocking me for it the way I mock myself. He never fails to amaze me, though, seeing what I can't and bringing my eyes to the positive things about myself.

As much as he credits me for saving him, making him believe in himself, I can safely say that he has done the same for me. If these past four years have taught me anything, it's that true love makes you feel good about yourself, about your choice.

I can't wait to experience this feeling for the rest of my life.

QuinnPOV-

''Thank you. I'll see you tomorrow, yes. Alright. Bye, Blair. Thank you, so, so much.''

After hanging up, I flop back onto the bed of the apartment Noah and I own in New York.

''Woah, what's up with you,'' he questions, lounging next to me.

''That was Blair. She and Ryder want to meet up with us tomorrow. She wants to be our surrogate,'' I smile as the realization becomes clear on my husband's face.''

''Wiat, are you serious''

''Yeah,'' I laugh, giddy with the news ,''We're going to have a baby. I'm finally going to be a mom.''

I love Beth. I'll always love Beth. But I want my chance to raise a child now, and I might finally have it.

''After years of searching for options,'' I wipe the tears that come to my eyes ,''It's finally our turn.''

''I love you, so much,'' he kisses me then, and I let myself get lost in it.

In the past, our plans have fallen through. Work, life, or other circumstances got in the way. Now, though, it may finally be our turn.

And I don't think I could ask for a better start to the New Year.

What do you think? What about the surrogacy? Mini glee reunion in the next chapter!

Disclaimer- glee belongs to Ryan Murphy, Brad Falchuck, and Ian Breenan