"So let me get this straight. You originally weren't Dean Harvelle, but an older version of myself that had it with the magical communities and decided to reincarnate for a fresh start?" said Harry slowly.
It was the summer vacation, and Dean had kidnapped Harry with his new 'pet' phoenix who he decided to call Suzaku if only to keep the confusion as to why there were now two versions of Dumbledore's phoenix hanging around. The newly renamed Suzaku was a bit peeved it took Dean this long to call on him.
Mort, when he figured out what was going on, had chosen to mock Dean for not remembering that phoenixes were more or less immortal. Suzaku had merely chosen to fake his death for an extended holiday of sorts.
Dean shuddered.
"After the war, I thought things would get better. I even married Ginny. But instead they only got worse. It was like the world closed in and there was no escape. As if that wasn't bad enough, I found out Ginny cheated on me repeatedly after the first kid...and I'm still not sure they were mine. I left a trust vault for each of them, and washed my hands clean when I was reborn as Dean Harvelle. Best decision I ever made," said Dean.
Harry looked slightly disturbed by the revelation of marrying Ginny.
"Why Ginny?"
"Partly because everyone and their grandmother seemed to expect it, and as I later found out, she was dosing me with potions."
Harry shuddered.
"She is why I told you that you should never date a fan girl. Frankly if I can avoid the same fate I ended up with, then this whole mess will be entirely worth it. Besides, who would want someone they consider their baby brother to marry a girl who greatly resembled their mother?" said Dean.
If Harry didn't look ill before, he did now.
"Dear Loki, that sounds almost as bad as that Wincest crap," said Sam.
"Anyway, where to first? No offense, but there's no way I'm sticking in England, and we could use a break from the States," said Dean.
"Um..."
"Speak up kiddo. We're leaving the vacation plans up to you, since Dean got to pick last time and Sam's idea of fun is history," said Loki grinning.
"How about the Great Barrier Reef?" asked Harry hopefully.
"Right, sharks, sun and surf, here we come!" said Loki cheerfully.
"What about passports?" asked Harry.
"Harry, Harry, Harry...if we couldn't forge a fake passport and put the information in the database without getting caught, then we don't deserve a vacation," said Dean smirking.
"Besides, the only reason we would even need a passport would be if we got into trouble. Interesting fact...magical Europe only convicts people who commit crimes using magic. If you used mundane means then they can't come after you," said Loki grinning.
"That is messed up."
"Useful though. If things happen like they did before, there's a Ministry 'Toad' who is going to be in for a nasty shock...or a not-so-subtle warning."
"Do I want to know?"
"The Ministry didn't believe you when you said Voldemort was back. Send this annoying as hell woman we called Umbitch or the Toad who liked to use Blood Quills on students. If she does come and I catch her with those damn things, I'll either shoot her or do something equally unpleasant the muggle way. Either that or we sick Loki on her ass," said Dean.
"Blood quills are highly illegal artifacts only used in the highest level contracts. Gringotts uses them for wills, among other things. Use on a minor for anything less than official documents is illegal and worth a minimum of ten years in Azkaban. Owning one is worth a heavy fine of twenty-five hundred galleons unless you're an approve member of Gringotts or a law firm," recited Sam.
He had been bored, so he looked up the Hogwart's section on magical law. He had been horrified at how backwards it was, and how little they seemed to think of mundane rights.
He was the one to notice there weren't any actual laws against killing with non-magical means... enchanted artifacts counted, but if it wasn't, well, the Aurors had nothing to hold him on. The most you would get was a fine.
The minute he heard that, Dean made plans on who he would end first and when. The Malfoys (except Narcissa who as far as he was aware had never done anything outside marrying the wrong man) were at the top of said list.
"But first, magical passports!" said Dean eagerly.
He was well aware that forging magical passports was impossible. He had tried, twice, to do that when he was Harry. The goblins had been displeased and the Minister had been on his ass for months when he found out. He had thought the stalking was bad before...it got worse tenfold after the second time. It was actually what pushed him towards reincarnation.
Well that and learning the hard way Ginny had been dosing his food for years in order to become Lady Potter.
That didn't mean you needed to use the official channels though. Dean knew just who to go to for illegal passports.
"Fletcher... I want a word with you," said Dean grinning evilly. One look at his smoking mouth and slitted eyes, and Mundungus Fletcher nearly shit himself.
Dean, Sam, Gabriel and Cas didn't need a passport. Harry, on the other hand, did.
Partly because he was a minor, but mostly because he didn't have the 'get-out-of-jail-free' card Dean and Sam had.
Shortly after kidnapping Harry, Gabriel and Cas kept an eye on him while Dean and Sam got their American Magical badges reinstated.
And learned that the abrupt age reversal only lasted in Europe. Dean figured Chuck had designed it so they could legally take custody of his past life without Dumbledore interfering. Or they suffered enough while in that damn school.
Traveling between alternate worlds was unusual, but not unheard of. The fact they had two angels to back up their claim didn't hurt either. But the biggest reason why their badges were reactivated in that world was simple.
Each badge came with a unique magical signature, and a spell placed on the metal itself that verified that it was genuine. So long as no crime was committed while using the badge, they were valid.
It basically labeled them the equivalent of a hit-wizard in Europe, with all the same authority as someone from the departments that dealt with dangerous creatures. The higher the number on the badge, the higher their rank. Dean was one of the extremely rare level 7 hunters, whereas Sam rated a 6. That meant they could deal with anything from dragons to sphinxes.
It also meant that their passports (and pretend background information) were done and filed before they even left the office.
Which left Harry the odd man out. Without a magical passport, there was no way they could legally take him out of Britain.
Hence why Dean was shaking down Mundungus Fletcher. He knew the little tricks of how to get a passport without Fudge or any of the idiots inside the Ministry finding out until it was too late.
Anything could be done if you paid enough galleons towards it. Surrendering half his prize money was a small price to pay for a quick passport for Harry.
"HOLY CRAP!" yelped Harry as he narrowly dodged the spike.
Gabriel started laughing like a loon. He couldn't help it.
Dean had just pranked Harry good using Godzilla.
Sam snorted. To be fair, Harry was getting used to being in the group...once he got over the shock Dean, Sam and Cas all doubled in age at least. At least now he knew why Dean had zero interest in the girls of the school...he didn't want to be branded a pedophile!
Still, sleeping next to a massive black dragon who wouldn't hesitate to eat anyone that tried to hurt you was surprisingly comforting. Dean naturally exuded a protective aura. Bear was extremely warm, and Harry actually felt safe despite the fact he was the youngest of the group.
"You suck Dean," said Harry with a scowl, but it was clear he was grinning.
A pair of massive green eyes wink at him.
Because Harry never learned to swim before now, Dean was in the water so if Harry fell over while surfing he could keep him safe. It helped that Sirius had given them permission to use the island belonging to the Blacks that was completely isolated.
Said idiot was currently stuck in Britain for something Harry didn't care to know about. He was going to have his much needed vacation dammit!
"Hey Sammy, wanna go for a run?"
"Sure," said the Sasquatch on the beach. Harry was perfectly safe was Dean. Especially with Cas watching the two play.
They were quite enjoying having a tropical island all to themselves...right until Fawkes appeared with a letter. Suzaku trilled, and removed it. The 'younger' phoenix disappeared with a flash.
"What's it say?"
Take a guess. You remember what happened last time in your timeline, Suzaku said dryly.
The old goat wants him back at that stupid house?
Unfortunately. You know what will happen if we go straight away.
Yeah...no way by Death am I helping with the damn cleaning.
"Dean?"
"The old goat wants us back in Britain. Chances are Riddle's managed to recreate that stupid ritual, just without your blood to do it. Which reminds me, I need to remove that blasted wraith out of your scar," said Dean, snapping his fingers.
"Wraith?"
"Riddle somehow put a piece of his soul in your scar, which is why you had that vision. Fortunately there are ways to remove those things without killing the container...but it would require absolute trust on your part."
Harry looked horrified at the knowledge he had piece of Voldemort in him. Fortunately he trusted Dean to know how to get rid of it.
"Hey Dean-o, what was with the self-frying turkey?" Gabriel called out. Suzaku trilled angrily and looked ready to peck him good. Angel or not, he took offense at being called a 'self-frying turkey'.
"Oh Death..." Dean started laughing.
"What's so funny?" asked Cas.
"Order of the 'Self-Frying Turkey'. Hang on while I share that thought with the twins, Sirius and Remus," said Dean cackling.
(Back in Britain)
Without warning, four men started cracking up with open amusement. Unfortunately this was during an Order meeting, so that made everyone look at Remus like he had joined Sirius on his laps on the insanity deep end.
"What, may I ask, is so funny?" said Snape. He had been in the middle of giving a report.
"Loki just called Fawkes a 'self-frying turkey'," explained Sirius in between his snickers.
"And?" asked Bill, grinning.
"Dean immediately called us the 'Order of the Self-Frying Turkey'," said Remus chuckling.
That got quite a few amused snorts, chuckles and even an outright laugh from the younger members, and several disapproving looks from Dumbledore and Molly.
"How, may I ask, did Dean Harvelle learn of the Order?" asked Dumbledore frowning.
"More importantly how in the name of magic do you know what Loki called Fawkes?" asked Moody suspiciously.
"Dean and his group are somewhat telepathic. He can send short messages to those who haven't learned the trick," explained Sirius.
"They are natural legilmens?" said Dumbledore alarmed.
"I said they were telepathic, not that they read minds," said Sirius.
"Well if they're telepathic then you can tell them to come back so that they can be brought here," said Dumbledore.
"Hang on. Loki taught me and Remus how to project but we're still a little rusty," said Sirius. Which was a complete lie. The second Loki showed them how to use telepathy they abused the hell out of it.
Remus choked as he got Dean's prompt reply. He decided to act as translator.
"He said, and I quote 'No way in hell am I coming back just to join the kiddie patrol in cleaning your damn secret base. Get your free labor somewhere else'," said Remus openly amused.
"How does he know we have a base?!" said Moody.
Remus sighed, and sent a message to Dean that he owed him for acting like a damn phone.
"'You Brits are extremely unoriginal. Besides, if you want Harry to come back, then obviously you have a secret base of operations, because there's no way the Burrow would be able to hold a large group, and it's not the most secure place in the country. The goblins hate wizards, the Ministry is full of complete morons (Remus paused for the laughter and snickering to die down), and without Harry you can't exactly access the Chamber of Secrets...not that the staff would keep their traps shut about Sirius Black being in the castle again. The portraits are bigger gossips than the damn students! Ergo, you have a secret base.'"
That had most of the Order do a collective blink.
"Be that as it may, they must return for their own safety," said Dumbledore.
Remus and Sirius paused, looked at each other, before they turned to Bill.
"What?"
Sirius repeated a short sentence in Latin to the curse breaker, who blinked.
"Oh you have got to be kidding. Which one?" he asked in disbelief.
"Both of them. Sam's level 6, Dean's a level 7," said Sirius, listening.
"Bill?" asked his mother.
"They're hunters. Legal ones. The higher the rank, the more dangerous the animal they can take on without getting killed. A level six can handle a pissed off manticore or Cerberus, whereas a level seven can take down a dragon or a rampaging giant. I dare say Harry's safe with that kind of protection."
Everyone stared.
"What, exactly is a hunter?" asked Dumbledore slowly.
"Um...how can I explain this..."
"Hunters are a combination of hit wizard and someone you'd expect from the department of creature control, only better. Essentially freelance aurors who are authorized to arrest, relocate, or deal with things like nuisance ghosts, werewolves that have crossed the line, or vampires that get above themselves. They specialize in taking down the creatures that cause trouble or risk exposing magic to muggles...they're pretty common in America."
This answer came not from Bill or Moody, but surprisingly from Remus himself. Everyone looked at him.
"I was in America a while back, and warned that if I caused trouble that the Hunters would come and 'have a word' with me. Basically they try to keep deaths or attacks from the magical creatures to a minimum, though the death rate is fairly high," he shrugged.
He had meet a few hunters, and while they were as paranoid as Moody, they were rather understanding and seemed relieved Remus was one of the werewolves who openly locked themselves up during full moons. It meant less headaches on their end.
"Anyway, if Harry's with a pair of level six hunters, then he's actually pretty safe," coughed Bill.
"Plus there's Loki. No way would the god of pranksters everywhere let the son of his followers come to harm," said Sirius grinning.