My Time Of Dying

By Breech Loader

Breech: Relapse. It's common among those suffering from depression. Just when you think they're getting better, they slip right back down for whatever reason – or no reason. And since you thought they were getting better and weren't paying attention, they may hurt themselves really badly.

Also, the Author's Notes in the first chapter have finally been edited to admit that this is not a one-shot. This week, try out Veronicas' "Mouth Shut".

Chapter Eight: Mouth Shut

It's been like, three days. Yes, Sonic got me to stay in the hospital an extra day. I've never been so bored in my life as when I was penned up in there. But most of the bandages are off, and ever since the thing with the Master Emerald I've been a fast healer. Still, not all of the bruises are gone. And there's still a thin line on my belly where they opened me up to stop the bleeding, but that's fading fast too.

Me and Sonic… we're walking down a street in Knothole, and I'm getting a lot of looks. Fear. Half of me enjoys it. The other half hates that I enjoy it.

I smile anyway, trying so hard to act like, you know… we're buddies.

Just buddies.

If I can convince him, I might just be able to convince myself too.

We're laughing and joking. I'm telling him all my dirty jokes; the ones that would make a hooker squirm. I mean, he started it.

"What did the bread say to the toaster?" he asked me, "You're hot!" And I took that as a challenge.

Here's my latest one, "A bunch of guys are on a long sea voyage. After a few days the new guy gets horny, so he goes up to the Captain, "What do you guys do when you get horny?" The Captain says, "There's a barrel over there with a hole in it. You can use that any time you like, except Tuesdays." The guy asks, "Why not Tuesdays?" The Captain grins and says, "Cause that's your day in the barrel"."

It's kind of fun to see him blushing. I know a million of them, a million times worse.

I'm having fun, putting off the inevitable.

This isn't right. I don't deserve him. Besides, my wrists keep screaming for attention of the sharp kind. I'm gonna disappoint him any moment.

"Sonic, I'm sorry," I tell him suddenly.

"Huh?"

"I… I mean…" I swallow and try to grin, "Sorry all my best jokes are dirty ones. And by sorry, I mean, you're welcome."

"Yeah, that's cool," he tells me. He keeps talking, and I don't try to stop him because if I open my mouth, I feel like I'm going to scream. He's the good guy… he deserves to be happy. And I can't do that for him.

And everybody is looking. Used to be I loved that. I'd just gobble up their fear like a fresh chilli dog. But when it's me and Sonic… if he goes gay with an asshole like me, do you really think he'll still be a hero? Even if he's right and they don't hate him for being a fag, they'll see me next to him. Or worse, they'll see the parts of me that are in him.

"I… I have to go."

He looks up. I must have interrupted him saying something, "What? Where?"

"I have to… have to…"

"Oh no. You're not running off to cut yourself again."

"I'm not, I just… don't want to be around you all the time!" I push him away, "Leave me alone!"

"Did I-" He looks like I kicked him, but then it changes to anger. It's killing me inside. Part of me wants to throw myself on my knees and beg forgiveness - NO! I can't let this go on, I have to think for once! It's not me, it's him. So I have to save him from himself.

"You are such a prick. Thinking we can actually be friends. Thinking you can change me. People don't change, Blue!" He starts to reach out and I slap his hand away, "Don't!"

"And where do you think you'll go? What, you want to get kicked to death again or something?"

"It might just be better than looking at your smug face all day!" I turn my back before he can catch out at me again, and hurry away.

Don't look back… don't look back…

Despite the temptations, I'm not intending to slash my wrists – at least not right now. I just want to catch my breath. Try and… try and think straight.

So I'm standing under a tree, leaning my forehead against the bark and squeezing my eyes shut. No, don't cry, don't cry. I don't even have a reason. It's just so… hard.

It's turning out exactly the way I knew it would do. Everything around me is going wrong. Sonic is a fag, and me… well, I don't know what I am. I hate fags. How can I be one? Then again, I hate myself too. If only there was somebody I could talk to… somebody who isn't Sonic.

No, wait. There is.

Shadow. I'm looking for Shadow – while trying to ignore the way people are just… looking at me. Waiting for me to turn on them. After the way I've just spoken to Sonic, they could be right. I'm not scared of them. Thinking about them makes me feel kind of angry.

It's not hard to find Blackie, although it's kind of crazy. A hedgehog whose quills are painted in the universal colours of badassery stands out pretty well even in the biggest of crowds, but I sure didn't expect to run into him clutching a half-dozen red roses and what is probably a pink box of chocolates. The box is shaped like a heart, by the way.

I vaguely remember what Sonic said to him about Amy a few weeks ago.

He sees me looking at them and there's a look on his face like a kid with his hand caught in the cookie jar. Then he realises who he is, and rearranges them more confidently, "What do you want, Green Fake?"

I look from him, to Amy's place, which is across the road, "Have you actually given anything to Pinky yet?"

"Oh, shut up and answer my question."

"Because I would totally hit that. If she wasn't still pissed at me for hitting on her when she was 12 while dressed as Sonic. I mean geez, don't chicks ever let these things go?"

Shadow folds his arms, "Are you here to point out the many obvious fallacies in my courting approaches, or do you have something of value to say?"

"Okay, here's the deal. You know about Sonic liking me, right?"

"Yes, I've always believed he'd eventually realise what a fag he is. What about it?"

"Okay, here's the thing," I take a deep breath, "You're the closest thing to me in this universe," he gives me a 1000 kilowatt death-glare, "Which could explain why I can't stand you, but I need to ask you something. How do you get a chick to stop liking you?"

He looks like my question's taken him right off guard for a moment, and then nods, "Well in my experiences with Rouge, these include… slurping your soup in restaurants, squeezing the toothpaste from the wrong end, not skipping page 3 of newspapers, scratching your balls in public, blowing your nose too loudly, looking at other women, going out to the bar without telling her, coming back from the bar after nine in the evening, looking at the waitresses' ass, forgetting to water the plants, watering the plants too much, not mowing the lawn, mowing the lawn too late, leaving the toilet seat up, leaving out the garbage on the wrong day, mixing up the recyclables, standing behind other chicks in the queue, not saying she looks good when you're getting ready to go out, not looking at her when you say she looks good, not saying she looks good fast enough, saying she looks good too fast, snoring, telling her she snores, not making the bed, asking for sex too much, not asking for sex often enough-"

I cut him off. I know all that, "Okay, okay, guess I have to be more specific. How do I get Sonic to stop liking me? Fast."

"Well, in the soaps there is the eternally successful method of screwing somebody else, letting him find out and then calling him an idiot… This of course relies on you being capable of finding somebody who would help you hurt Sonic like that," he catches me looking at him thoughtfully, "Don't even go there."

"I'm trying to help him."

"Obviously. Now… while nothing would delight me more to see the blue hedgehog sobbing on his knees… I'm far from eager to aid you in your ridiculous attempt at self-destruction," Shadow sneers, "I get what you're pulling. If you're so sure that you're so bad for him, why not kill yourself properly?"

My jaw drops.

"If it's such a huge mistake, he'll get over you," he tilts his head, "Or you could just ask yourself why you're going to all the trouble of trying to push him away without hurting him," he glances across the road, "Now if you don't mind, I have to fit these through a letterbox."

"Why don't you just give them to her yourself?"

"Says the world-renowned expert on love," we cross the road, then Shadow lifts Amy's letterbox while I watch him twitching nervously, "The love isn't what's hurting you, Scourge. It's the change-"

Which is about when Amy's door opens, and she catches the black and red hedgehog trying to stuff a half-dozen red roses through her letterbox. He's starting to turn redder than a freshman with a crush, and she's suddenly started to smile.

I slap a hand on both of their shoulders at once, "Well, I'll leave you two to discuss the technicalities of love alone, shall I?"

I dodge out of there before Shadow can deck me.

Well, Shadow didn't help in the slightest. I've been thinking for hours and he's obviously being his old cryptic self probably to spite me, and I'm sitting on a bench in the park, aware that everybody is either terrified of me, or they hate me. Just like Moebius.

I guess… I guess being depressed is kind of like having cancer. Before it happens, you think it'll never happen to you. When you get it, you wonder if there was anything you could have done differently. And when people tell you to ignore it because it'll just go away, you die a little inside.

How can I take one day at a time when every one of them feels the same?

I push up one sleeve and trace my fingers over the scars, both faded and fresh. And then of course, there's the butterfly Sonic and I drew in the Chao Garden on top of them.

I'm trying to think up ways to hurt him without hurting him too much, even though I know that no matter what happens, I'm going to end up hurting him way too deep. Yeah. So much for the Butterfly Project shiznit.

I reach into my pocket just out of habit, but obviously nothing's in it and I feel lost without it. I run a finger over it, "We made it together, right?" I tell it, "Except we're not gonna. Because I'm an asshole who hurts people. I don't know how to do anything else, I just end up-"

"Scourge!" Hearing his voice, I feel like I can breathe again. I drag down the sleeves – I know I haven't done anything on them but… He sits next to me, and I start- "No, don't smile if you don't feel like it. But when you went off like that, I was worrying about you."

"Well… don't."

"You can't stop me," he grabs my wrists and pushes my sleeves way up, checking for blood. I feel his fingers move gently over the old cuts. When he doesn't find anything fresh, I hear him give a huge sigh of relief, "Listen, if you're scared about-"

"Sonic?" I interrupt, "What would you do if somebody you cared about… hurt you?"

He grins, "I would rip off their skin, and tear them limb from limb."

"Really?"

"Just kidding," he takes my face in both hands, and devil-blue locks with emerald green, "I would crawl sobbing on my belly through the dirt, just to beg their forgiveness for whatever I must have done so wrong to drive them to it…"

We start leaning in, and then I catch his hands and push them back carefully, "Sonic, if ever I hurt you… rip off my skin."

He looks a little sad, "Scourge, I know those kisses weren't flukes. I felt it. In you. In me. You do know I don't care what anybody thinks about us, right? Why are you so worried about that?"

Because you're trusting and selfless. Because you don't know people the way I do. Because I care what they think about you. Instead, I smile, "I just don't deserve you."

"Who does?" he laughs at his own joke, then gets serious again, "Scourge, I… I really want you to be happy. With me, or without me… but it won't happen if you don't want to be happy too."

"Sonic," I take a deep breath. I have to tell him… that I'm an asshole. Have to make him understand that he's better off without me, "I have to tell you something…"

"No, don't. Listen, if it makes you feel better, there's a mission to an Eggman facility in a couple of days. Well, kind of a facility. Hidden base, really. Wanna come? It's your chance to show everybody here that you're one of the good guys."

"You're taking me, Evil Sonic, on a dangerous mission that will require close team-work and trust?" I ask, "Sonic, are you a complete moron?" I pull on my toxic-green quills and tap my razor-sharp teeth, "Do I look like I'd sacrifice my own personal safety for a bunch of pillocks who hate me? That's something heroes do! And I'm no hero."

He starts going on about how anybody can be a hero. Damn, he's so good at being a hero, he thinks it's easy.

"Now, what were you going to tell me?" he asks.

I sigh in defeat, "Oh, nothing important. Just thinking about how you really are a hero. Trying to change a jerk like me this way," I shake my head, "Do you know what they say about heroes, Sonic? Heroes are always late."

"It's never too late to be a good guy," he puts a warm arm around my shoulders, and slowly pulls me close. There's a long moment... his breath is warm and steady on my neck and oh no, my hand's gone back to his side. Anybody who might pass could see, and it's obvious he doesn't give a shit.

Especially when his fingers accidentally brush against my leg.

Worst part? I'm not even surprised. I just feel a shudder pass through me. If I wanted to, we could be making out in seconds, one of us on his back and getting up a good grind. And oh fuck, I'm not even sure which way up we'd be.

Want to… want to… want to…

But he pulls back before I snap – it wasn't some stupid tease; Sonic isn't like that. All he did was hold me and I nearly jumped him. I don't think he even gets what his body is doing to mine now.

That's so damn faggy.

"You don't have to be squeaky clean to be a good guy. I guess maybe I like you better without a polish," he grins, "But think of all the people you'll be pissing off when you show them how wrong they were about you being a nice guy!"

"Well…" I think about it, trying to steady my breathing. I'll never be a hero, no matter what Sonic says. I'm not gonna put myself in danger for people who hate me, I'm not gonna stay my hand because it's the right thing to do, and sure as hell I'm not gonna sacrifice my life for the greater good. Still…

"To pissing people off!"

"To pissing people off!"

I kept my mouth shut for too long,
All this time you got me wrong,
Now we're in this way too far,
I'm about to break your heart,
Tear everything we had apart,

'Cause I'm feeling lost
When I'm in your arms,
The reasons are gone
For why I was holding on to you,
I tried so hard to be the one,
I don't like who I've become…

Breech: What I really want to know is what you think of the style of the fic, not just the content. I mean, it's obvious that you like Scourge being sensitive and fragile and needing comfort, but how do you feel about this First-Person, Present Tense style that I use?