Part Five: Secret Smiles

I find myself hanging out with Mandy a lot more than I did before I was fucking her brother behind her back. Sometimes, I make an excuse to use the bathroom and go see Mickey in his room. He's not the cleanest person, and they don't have the cleanest house, but I like it.

Mickey won't kiss me, nor will he let me cuddle him, but he will sometimes doze off after we fuck and I get to stare at him. I can't stop smiling thinking about the time I traced tiny circles on his biceps when he was sleeping.

"You still fucking towel-head?" He asks me today. I lean my naked body in closer to his and he doesn't scoot away right away so I leave it. I put my hand over my heart and feel it beating like a hummingbird's. My breath catches in my throat for a second and I have to shift my body slightly away to breathe.

"No, I'm not. He's still on probation by his wife."

I pretend to be looking at my hands when Mickey turns his head to look at me. He passes me his joint and I take a slow hit, to feel where his lips had been. I return it to him.

"Probably best if you just fuck someone your own age."

"I don't know very many boys my age who are gay," I say and look into his eyes. The blue is shocking and stands out with his black hair. I scoot a little bit closer until my hip is touching his. He doesn't pull away. Bare skin against bare skin is making me hard.

"How do you find these old guys to fuck?"

"It's a blur how it happened. But he used to stare at me a lot when I started working at Kash 'N' Grab and one day it just sort of happened. I don't really know. Mickey passes me the joint again and our hands touch causing a tremor of stirrings inside me.

"You ready for round three?"

"Definitely," I say looking down at my crotch. It's certainly ready.

Mickey rolls over onto his back and I get ready. He begins to laugh when I lube up. I smile when he can't see me and prepare to put it in. It's not so smooth going in, but Mickey makes a sound like he likes it. I lean over and press my forehead against his back. I want so badly to kiss him there it hurts, but I refrain.

Mickey moans, grunts, and occasionally sighs as I pound into him. I look at him clutching his mattress with his "U-Up" hand and grabbing the headboard with the other as I get into a groove. Mickey lets out a soft moan that goes through me like electricity.

When it's over I fall on top of him and stroke his back. He swats my hand away and rolls onto his back. He doesn't speak to me; he just nods off for a few minutes. I stare at his dirty face until I conk out. When I awaken Mickey's head is on my chest and my arm is thrown across him. He's still sleeping, and drooling a bit on my chest. I smile and caress his hair and face slowly.

"What the fuck?" Mickey asks when he wakes up and his vision adjusts. He immediately backs away from me. His bed is small so there aren't a lot of places he can escape to. "We fell asleep." He checks the doors to make sure they're both still shut and locked.

"How did we end up cuddling?" I ask.

"Shut the fuck up. I don't cuddle."

"You kind of did and you drooled a bit."

I wipe his drool off my chest. Mickey tosses me my clothes.

"Get the fuck out."

"Mickey," I say.

"Leave. This was stupid. Someone could have walked in."

"Mickey."

"What part of get the fuck out did you not understand?"

"Okay, let me put on my clothes at least."

He nodded. I dressed quickly and didn't look at him when I left. He slammed the door shut right behind me. I bump into Iggy Milkovich holding a bowl of cereal and staring at me. He chews slowly and just watches me. I don't speak to him. He doesn't speak to me. I bypass him and make a bee line to the door.

I collapse on the porch of the Milkovich house, my legs are wobbly. I can barely stand up. My head is spinning. It feels like the first time all over again only I'm not smiling like a fucking idiot, even though I want to.

Mickey. I hear the door open behind me and instead of Mickey its Iggy still eating his cereal. He's watching me. I nod and find a way to stand up.

"Tell Mandy I'll call her," I say as I leave. I watch Iggy go back in the house. What was that about?

The first place I go is Karen Jackson's to find Lip. I want to tell him about this, but when I get there I can't. I can't go back on Mickey's trust, so I go home. Carl is doing something stupid and dangerous when I get there. He's standing on the roof holding a bowling ball above a trampoline (which he stole from God knows where). My curiosity gets the better of me and I let him do it. I know I shouldn't but I do.

"Carl, get the fuck off the roof," shouts V who comes outside holding Liam. She squeezes my arm affectionately and passes Liam to me. "You're going to get hurt."

"Look out," says Carl and he drops the bowling ball. V and I split off in opposite directions as the bowling ball bounces back up. Carl jumps down lands on the trampoline and bounces off onto the concrete side walk. The bowling ball hits the ground and misses him by a millimeter.

"Fiona is going to kill us all. Come on, let me look at you," says V. "Ian, get me the first aid kit."

"Yeah," I say. I take Liam and go into V's house to get her first aid kit which she and Kev have written the words, "Fucking Gallagher's" on the side of it. I grin and pick it up.

"Why are you smiling, Ian?" V asks me as she doctors up Carl and smacks him on the knee real hard for scaring her.

"I wish I could tell you," I tell her.

"It must be a secret love. I perfectly understand. Damn it, Carl. You're lucky you didn't break anything. What the hell were you thinking?"

"I wasn't," says Carl. He's grinning. The kid always did like danger. "Are you going to tell Fiona?"

"I have to. It's a grown up thing. Now, for you, Smiles," V says. She sends Carl upstairs with Liam. She takes some beers out of the fridge and leads me to the couch. "Tell me about this love of yours."

I try to think of where to begin. I can give her details without disclosing name or gender of my partner. V is like family. Actually, she's not like family. She is family.

"I'm in over my head, aren't I?"

"From the looks of that secret smile, I'm voting yes on this one."