My Time Of Dying

By Breech Loader

Breech: It's just after Christmas, I'm slightly less tired and yet still not drunk. This week's song is "All I Want" by Staind.

I know there was no sex in this story, but I never really wanted there to be; it's a story about depression. And struggling with being gay.

Chapter Ten: All I Want

I ran away from Knothole a whole week ago and I swear, I haven't gotten drunk at all. Then again, I haven't given myself to eat much either.

I hate to admit this, even to myself, but damn, oh damn, I'm so scared. Hiding. Hiding from everybody and everything.

No, I'm honestly not scared of Fiona. Stupid bitch can only hurt me if I'll let her. But I'm scared just the same, Scared because I'm scared, I guess. And I'm cold, and tired, and wet, and hungry, and angry and just miserable in general.

And to cut, aha, it short, I feel like I could saw my flesh right down to the bone and not find anything to prove I'm alive. And there's a lot of dried blood on my arms from me stopping just short of doing it. I'm lost, and wet, and cold, and hungry, and tired, and lonely.

And the strangest thing of all is that I miss them. All of them.

I've never missed anybody before.

Keep running. Keep being afraid.

Why won't they just find me and bring me back?

Are they even looking for me?

Don't they care?

Do I?

I sit down, put my back up against the wall, and pull out my switchblade. Like a hundred times before, it hovers over that stupid butterfly.

I'm sick of running across the road. Time to take the long haul, down the street-

"I'm tired of seeing you do that."

I nearly shit myself. Look up.

Shadow raises an eyebrow, "You were so engrossed in yourself, you didn't even see me."

"How long have you been there?"

"I found you three days ago."

I think about that for a moment. Have I really been that engrossed in myself? Then why didn't you-"

"Because I was hoping I wouldn't need to," he leans against the wall, "I know how it feels to be lost, Green. Better than you might think…" he glares, "Do you know what it's like, to stare into your own face? Do you know what it's like, to have to fight copies of yourself? Do you know what it's like, to stare at your wrists and wonder what you'll find if you cut? Oh yes, I do know what it's like to be lost, very much indeed."

"And you came out of hiding to tell me that?"

"No, I'm here to tell you that Sonic is looking for you," he frowns, "Looking hard as hell. Got everybody looking for you, with whatever crappy persuasion he can think of. And he won't stop looking. He will find you. And he'll call, and you'll come running back. Like a dog. And he'll be so scared that you'll never get another chance."

I sag a little, because it's true.

Shadow holds up a finger, "But if you go back… if you go back to that stupid village, your choice… then he'll come back for you. No collars. No leashes. No cages."

"And you?"

"Me? I've done my part. I have more important things to do than drag you kicking and screaming back to Knothole. It's your choice, Scourge. Go back or be taken back."

It's not a question, and he doesn't give me time to think one up. He just revs up, and leaves me alone.

Alone to think.

What an asshole.

So yeah, it's a few hours later and I'm heading back. Not running. In fact, you might say I'm sneaking back. You might even say I've taken Captain Asshole's words to heart; I don't want to get caught just as I'm ready.

Turn up on the front doorstep.

Make them take me back.

And obviously, since they think I'm there because I'm happy there, Sonic won't be so scared.

Why did I even leave? Panic attack, I guess. My head's clearer. It sounds faggy, but talking about my problems really helped. Even if it was Shadow who did most of the talking about my problems.

Will I be happy there? I doubt it. I can't think straight; I don't want to go back anywhere. I want to be free. No master but the wind and the sky. I don't know what I want; do I want to be in Sonic's arms, or maybe even him in my arms?

I must look terrible. I roll up my sleeves briefly. Usually I don't roll them up unless I'm miserable and fingering the knife. I'm still miserable but I'm rolling them up just to see the scars and… yeah, it's amazing how you can get such a different point of view from two different moods. My arms are just a mess of unwashed, dried blood. The inside sleeves of my jacket can't be any better either.

It's raining, like the sky is conspiring to make me look even more pathetic than usual. So I'm kinda shuffling back, dredging my feet through the puddles as I enter Knothole. Ball up my fists and hunch myself up and just walk. Don't really know where to go. There's shouting though, so I follow that. Curious, I guess.

"I don't care, Sal! I can't just leave him in Eggman's grubby hands!"

"It's a trap, Sonic! Do you really think Robotnik will let you-"

"Of course it's a trap! I've walked ass-first into traps before! I'm not leaving him there!"

I must have made the pair of them shit themselves when I turn up, looking like something out of a zombie movie, "Uh… leaving who where?"

"SCOURGE!" Sonic grabs me and hugs me. Right there. In front of everybody, for several seconds. Then he breaks it and he's so obviously relieved, "How did you escape from Eggman?"

"Escape? I just… I didn't… huh?"

"Ahem," Sally taps me on the shoulder, "We got this message twenty minutes ago from Eggman…"

I watch as a hologram plays an image of Ro-Fatness gloating over capturing me and showing a picture of me imprisoned. Also, begging for mercy, which is a nice touch but also kind of insulting because if I'd been dumb enough to be caught by an idiot like him, I would be asking him to get it over with and shoot me.

"Yeah, uh… that must be a lie," well, congrats Captain Obvious, "I wasn't captured by anybody. I kinda… never mind… Back now. I… uh…" I shove my hands into my pockets and wander away. Sonic follows me, "I really mess things up, huh, Sonic? I could have gotten you killed…"

"Hey, I do that to myself every day," he takes my hand while I walk.

"I came to this world to die and now I just…" I roll up a sleeve and show him the shameful cuts and blood, and hear his sigh of disappointment. The rain's washing the blood away a bit, and I pull the sleeve down. We keep walking. I'm not really pulling him along but he's not really following me.

"Scourge, I think I should tell you-"

"Don't…" I put my shades back on and stare into the distance, into eternity. Somehow we've made our way back to the Chao Garden, with the little bubble-heads squeaking and getting on my nerves, and there's the green one like I said, rushing up to me, pretty damn fast. It's really persistent. Kinda looks a lot like me now. Except, y'know, for the thing about it being a Chao.

Really gotta ask Sonic about that sometime…

And anyway, he helps me wash the blood off my arms, even though the rest of me must look a real freakish mess.

Finally we sit by the waterfall, side-by-side.

The green Chao climbs into my lap this time and nuzzles me. I'm not really paying attention to it though; I just pat it on the head and put it aside, "I'm sorry," I tell him.

"For what?"

"No… no, I'm not…" I try to keep from hitting something, "It's you, it's… why are you being like this?!" Damn, if I'm not miserable, I'm so angry, "Why are you acting like… like things will get any better?"

"Sure they will."

"Because they can't get worse? I hate when people say hitting rock bottom means there's no way to go but up!" I can feel myself getting angrier, "There is no rock bottom! You can always sink deeper! I can't do this! Some days I'm amazed that I bleed!"

"No. It's not like that. Don't you get it, Scourge? You don't have to hit rock bottom before you get back up," Sonic takes a deep breath, "Trust me, okay?"

"Me running off like that could have gotten you wasted! Your dad was right; I'm a coward!" I'm shaking, "What would you know about any of what's going on in my head?!"

"I know I don't want it to be going on!" Sonic almost gets up, then stays where he is, "Sit back down. Relax!"

I remember what Shadow said. He probably didn't mean for it to be taken… well, whatever way he meant it to be taken, probably not this way, "Roll over? Beg? Like that?"

"Well, I would kinda like to see you on your back-"

"Dude! NOT FUNNY!"

"Okay, my bad," he holds out his hands, "Be cool, man. Chillax. No sweat. I'm right here."

"I… I…" He looks just fine, as usual. I'm muddy and rumpled and my quills are a greasy mess after going without a wash for a week, "I didn't mean to make so much trouble…" my chest hitches and I am just barely keeping from crying, "I didn't mean to put you in danger… I just wanted you to be happy…"

"But Scourge, I am happy," he hooks his arms around my shoulders and looks me in the eyes, "Right now, I'm just happy that you're back and you're safe…"

We kiss, his way.

I close my eyes and let it all embrace me. The meaningless murmurs, the way he strokes me, the way I press myself to him… The way he's strong and gentle, the way he makes me feel safe but doesn't smother me, the way he makes my body feel so complete and yet ache so badly…

Through it all, I feel my revelation sink in. I came back. I really and truly came back, just for him, and he's not mad, and he's not locking me up or putting me under guard, or pouncing me, or raging like a total dick about how selfish and what a fail I am for the fresh cuts.

I break his kiss, "Hold up, I think something's wrong," I tell him, "This can't be a nice time for us."

He frowns, concerned, "What? Why not?"

I grin wickedly, "'Cause I'm not dying."

We kiss again, and this time, I'm the one tilting him a bit. I guess that takes him a little off-guard, but he's not letting that stop him and suddenly we're clutching at each other real tight. There's no way this is a soft little puppy kiss like the ones he gives to nice chicks.

Oh yeah, work those lips. Work them my way.

It's hard to work out who's who.

We part, and it's me, because this is something I've got to tell him. Even if it's just so that I can tell him 'I told you so' one day. I have to tell him. Even if he'll never believe me.

"I'm not a hero, Sonic."

"Then what are you?"

I pause, because I don't know the answer to that question any more. I guess Shadow was right. I'm lost. But knowing that you have no idea where you're going is better than glancing at a fast-food restaurant map and trying to remember which direction North is.

"I'm just a hedgehog who gets things done."

With a green Chao tugging on my leg and me looking like I've been dumpster diving for a fortnight – which isn't far off the truth – I wrap my arms around him, and hold on real tight. And he holds on to me, and he's the only thing that matters right now. Warm body, warm lips, and our hands move lower, and it's heating up until every part of me is on fire.

I can feel it in him, every time we touch. He's pretending to know everything but he's really still as new to this faggot thing as me. Which is good. Because I really hate being outclassed by him.

I'll never have everything. I get that now. It was trying to have everything that landed me with nothing. If I have Sonic, at least I have something.

Let that be enough.

For now…

What I leave, and when you go,
What I see, and what you show,
And what I guess, and when I don't,
Is something you already, already know,

I can't live without,
All I think about,
All I want is you,
You're all I dream about,
I can't live without,
All I want is you…

The things I do, what I go through,
And all I say, when I'm away,
And what I make, the shit I take,
Is something you already, already know,

I can't live without,
All I think about,
All I want is you,
You're all I dream about,
I can't live without,
All I want is you…

Breech: THE END. KIND OF.

I'm so glad you loved this story so much! I never, EVER expected it to be so popular. I mean, I write a one-shot about Scourge contemplating on the logic of an 'Anti'-Universe, and then trying to kill himself, and it blows up into… this. I'm THAT awesome.

The story continues in "My Time Of Dying 2: Behind Blue Eyes" which should be up on my profile right about… NOW. This part of the story ended happily – kind of. If you like happy endings, stop reading now, because I absolutely cannot guarantee things going even slightly okay in the future.