Was It Wrong To Go Along With Insanity?

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters and many of the places mentioned in this story. The plot is the only thing created by me.

Sorry for the wait everyone but I will be improving my attempts at getting stuff done. After my holiday, you will have my full attention.

Part 3:- Denying won't do it

Severus

THE TIME IS NOW!

By Susan Bones

It is with the utmost delight that I am able to make the announcement to all readers of the Daily Prophet that Harry James Potter, the man-who-lived has finally proposed to his long-term girlfriend Ginevra Molly Weasley. The Granger-Weasley wedding last year has since left everyone questioning how long it would take for our saviour to take this next step. We can all say it now: it's about time Mr Potter!

A reliable source informs us that wedding preparations are well on the way and despite the fact that much thought will be put into perfecting the day, things will be moving very quickly. It appears that after taking his time to recover from the aftermath of the Battle of Hogwarts, the war hero has finally regained some sense of normality and chosen to begin to live his life. We can all look up to the couple, who are setting an example to show that no matter what happens to us all, life does go on and we can eventually find happiness. It is because of this that we can guarantee the young couple will have all the support they need from not only the Weasley family but also the entirety of the Wizarding World.

Sadly, we have not yet been able to secure an exclusive interview with Mr Potter or Miss Weasley, as they are both very busy planning their future together but we will continue to contact them to arrange a date for this. However, we have been able to briefly question a few members of the Weasley family to bring you the most trustworthy information that we can. Upon being asked how the wedding will affect the close-knit family, Molly Weasley, mother of Ginevra, assured us that it would only bring them closer. "Harry has always been a part of our family, before we even considered that he would someday be marrying our daughter but to have it official would mean a lot to us" Mrs Weasley informed us. It appears that although all of us have been waiting a long time to hear wedding bells for this happy couple, our happiness is nothing in comparison to the family.

It is well-known that in his first year at school, Mr Potter developed a close, family-like friendship with both Ronald Weasley and his now-wife, Hermione Granger. It's strange to think that at one point, the trio would not have realised that they would eventually all become family but it is clear to see that in Mr Weasley's words: "Harry has always been my brother. The fact that it's soon to be official is strange but I'll be happier for it." We wish Mr Potter and Miss Weasley all the best in their organising and hope that when the time is right, they will consider allowing us an interview for our readers.

Severus threw the newspaper across the room after his tenth time reading it. He didn't know why he was still torturing himself with it, especially as it was now days old and no doubt more recent developments would soon be published. He didn't consider himself a reader of the Prophet, as there were more intellectual newspapers that interested him but since he had seen this one article, he had had every issue of the Prophet delivered. Severus forced himself to read every single article in each paper very carefully for any mentions of the newly-engaged couple. Of course there were several but nothing that was any new information.

Since his night with Harry, he had questioned whether he would go through with his proposal plans but any thought inside him that it wouldn't happen was ridiculous and he knew that. He wasn't sure whether wondering about it or knowing about it was worse but he didn't really care; nothing seemed to matter. Everything that had happened had just proven to him that he was doomed to a lonely life and there was no hope of any change in this. Perhaps it would have been easier for him to process if it weren't for how he had found out.

It was the day after Valentine's Day and Nathaniel had finally given up on quizzing him about Harry, after receiving no answers whatsoever; he hadn't even had it in him to be sarcastic. He put all of his concentrations into his potions and had spent a lot of time in the lab downstairs from the shop, while Nathaniel handled the customers. Severus wasn't quite sure that he could bring himself to listen to their drabble, particularly if it was going to be about their dates from the day before.

After a few hours of bottling up some of the simpler potions and leaving some of the more complex ones to stew for a week or longer, the shop-owner levitated a few boxes up the stoned stairs of the building. He flicked the door open with his wand and brought the boxes out behind the counter into the shop, ready for restocking after closing time. He retook his place beside Nathaniel, who glanced at him with more than plain nervousness in his eyes, as he interacted with a customer. The woman was middle-aged and beamed at the both of them, her smile radiating more from the light in her eyes than her lips.

"Such wonderful news! Definitely a night to be celebrating!"

Severus didn't question this wonderful news, as he was certain that it would be something that didn't interest him in the slightest; he hadn't realised how far from true these thoughts were. The customer looked hopefully at Nathaniel as if expecting him to respond to whatever she had just told him.

"Well I'm glad that it has made you happy" he told her simply, "enjoy the rest of your day." He smiled at her but it was in no way as bright as the happy customer's. Nathaniel handed her the bag containing her potions and accepted her money exchange.

Noting his less than content exterior, the witch turned to Severus, telling him that on a day like today, he should be rejoicing with the rest of the world. She informed him that good news should always be celebrated and life was too short.

"I'm sorry madam, though I'm sure you have reason to be happy, whatever news you have just had does not affect me. I am sincerely pleased that you have found something worth celebrating" Severus told her in his politest professional voice. She looked back at him, her smile not faltering.

"But this news affects us all! In fact, it must affect you more than I. Though it might be old news to you, some of us are still reeling in the joyous news of Harry Potter's engagement." She left the store with a final smile as Severus' world crashed down around him.

"Mr Snape! If you have a moment, could you come upstairs? A customer has a question about the cutting of the mouse tails in the anti-anger potion" Nathaniel called down to him. Sighing, Severus got up from his chair in the lab and made his way into the store.

"Ah, Severus Snape. You are the shop owner, correct?" The man seemed unfriendly and was probably bigger in the middle than he was in height.

"That is correct. How may I help you?"

"I am told that you brew all the potions in the store yourself."

"You have been informed correctly."

"Then can you tell me more about the mouse tails in this potion?" he asked, holding up Severus' own anti-anger potion.

"What would you like to know?"

"Are the mice live or dead? How are the tails cut?"

"I have only used fully grown mice that have died from old age with no other health issues. The tails are cut using a two inch platinum blade and are added whole to the rest of the ingredients" he answered, unsure as to why the man would be asking him this.

"How would you know that each of the mice used had died from old age?"

"Why would you care to know this information?"

"Just for research purposes."

"Are you intending to buy the potion?"

"No" he answered honestly, "but I am considering…"

"Leave" Severus told him bluntly.

"But you don't know what I was going to say" the man responded, seemingly more annoyed.

"Oh but I do. You were going to inform me that you are considering creating your own version of the potion using almost exactly the same ingredients that I have used myself and now you are questioning my sources and methods in order to create this potion. You will then attempt to sell it yourself."

Eventually, the man left the shop, leaving Nathaniel apologising to Severus, stating that he hadn't known that this was why the man was asking.

"Don't worry Nathaniel. It takes a while to spot people like that man but you will learn."

"Well I'm sorry anyway sir. I will be more cautious next time."

"There is nothing to be sorry about."

The rest of the shift continued somewhat slowly, Severus repeating the Daily Prophet article in his head constantly, pretty certain that he had already memorised most of it. Nathaniel knew what he was thinking about, as he rarely thought about much else at the moment. The Potions Master spent all of his time with his potions or moping around, not really doing a lot. To say his social skills were bad would have been an understatement before but now, they were even worse. There were several potions in that very shop that would have made him feel better in some way but he refused to take them. For one person to feel this amount of pain in their life, they had to have done something very wrong to deserve it.

Thinking on it, Severus couldn't pinpoint a specific event that would have entitled him to this suffering, as he had done so many things to be ashamed of. He had of course joined the Death Eaters at a young age and had spent many years in the company of these murderers and dictators, though that was punishment enough in itself. There were many things that he had done that he regretted but the one thing that pained him the most was the one thing that he believed he could never regret. How could anyone regret love? Severus was sure that if anyone could, it would be him and he tried with all his might to push the memories away but they came flooding back. The bad parts overran the good parts with ease but there was still something about his experience with Harry that he didn't want to forget. Perhaps it was the very brief feeling of happiness that was unlike anything else that he had ever felt.

"Mr Snape?"

"Yes Nathaniel" he replied, still putting on his coat, ready to go home and drown himself in something strong.

"I was wondering if you wanted to go for a drink somewhere? Unless you've got something more important to do..?" Severus contemplated the offer and was ready to decline but he didn't want to reject his only friend, especially as he was supposed to be setting some kind of example to him. He didn't know how a man as broken as he was would be able to do that for anyone but somehow he had to. Anyway, what was the difference between drinking alone and drinking in company? Surprising even himself, he accepted Nathaniel's offer and they both made their way to one of the younger man's locals.

Severus sat as Nathaniel ordered their drinks, chatting slightly with the barmaid, who the Potions Master assumed he must have known. A moment or so later, his colleague joined him at the table, handing him a strange looking concoction in a beer mug.

"What is this?"

"Just drink it" he was told. Severus' instincts always told him not to drink something that was handed to him but he knew Nathaniel wouldn't be trying to poison him in any way and so he took a small sip of what tasted like a very strong beer. Not disliking it, he took a few gulps, enjoying the fiery sensation that it left.

"Now, what is it?"

"It's a strong beer mixed with firewhiskey. It's the house beer. It's called a firebelly."

"If you ever expect me to drink this again, you will be ordering it for me. I will never say that word as long as I'm alive."

"I think I can manage that" he laughed.

"Saying that, I suppose there are only a few more months of you having to put up with my company."

"Why's that?"

"Once you've got your degree at the end of the educational year, you won't need to work for me any longer. There's no doubt that you'll be snapped up for a proper career somewhere."

"I would hope all of that is true but why would it mean I wouldn't be in your company anymore?"

"Nathaniel, are you sure you're intelligent enough to do a degree? If we're not working together then you will not see me" he responded, rolling his eyes at the man in jest.

"I won't see you every day at work but I will still see you. Or are you planning on disowning me?"

Severus tried not to look surprised at the idea that someone would want to spend time with him when they no longer had to but he knew that Nathaniel was telling the truth and so he half-smiled at his colleague and didn't say another word on the subject.

"So you admit that we're friends then?" Nathaniel pressed on.

"If you insist on wording it that way then yes I suppose we are."

"In that case, don't you think it's time that you told me what happened?"

Severus looked down as his quickly emptying drink, knowing that responding in anger wasn't the best idea but neither was answering the question.

"I'm not being pushy and I honestly wouldn't ask you to tell me if it wasn't just because I want to help."

"How do you think you can help? You can't change any of it."

"No I can't but I can advise you and you may feel better talking to me about it. I know you're not the happiest man on the planet as it is but right now, you're downright miserable and as your friend, I have the right to know why, especially if there's no one else you can talk to."

"I have never had anyone to talk to. I mean no offence but why would I need to talk now?"

"Maybe you've always needed to talk but you never considered it before. You're too guarded and you think that people will exploit you for things you may admit to them but I wouldn't do that."

"I know you wouldn't" Severus responded after a lengthy pause.

"Then please talk to me."

It took a lot of time, courage and a huge swallow of his pride for Severus to confide in Nathaniel but the more he thought about it, the more he realised that it couldn't make him feel any worse than he already did. As his friend had already said, he was miserable.

"What do you want to know?"

"Whatever you feel comfortable telling me. But start from what happened when you left that day."

Severus inhaled deeply and ensured that he wouldn't be looking Nathaniel in the face for this conversation. He normally maintained eye-contact in any situation but he didn't know how to look at someone when discussing something so personal. He silently cast some privacy charms around them: his own muffliato; an anti-lip-reading charm as well as a spell to make people walk past them without stopping.

"I went to his house but I couldn't knock on the door. I kept seeing him open and close the box containing the engagement ring through the window and I felt angry and I suppose a little jealous. I was really close to knocking on the door but something stopped me and I realised that there was nothing about me that would attract him. He'd never shown any interest in men, let alone perverted ex-teachers."

"I'm sorry to interrupt you Mr Snape. I won't do so again but you are not perverted. No one can help who they fall in love with so please don't say that again. Continue."

"I think it would be best for you to call me Severus, considering everything."

"I would like that. Now please tell me the rest."

"I lost my nerve and went home and spent some time on my own but then the door knocked. For some reason, I thought it was going to be you so I answered it. Of course it was him. He came in and he wanted my advice about what he should do. He told me that he had to marry her but he didn't want to. Once I questioned his reasons, he told me that her family was his own and he didn't want to hurt them or lose them. I advised him not to live a lie but he told me that he would have to whether he stayed with her or not. In short, he told me he was gay and that he had feelings for someone. My last piece of advice to him was to consider himself and no one else and he agreed to."

"That's not everything, is it? What else happened after that?"

"Your ability to force me to talk about these things is irritating to say the least."

"You've started now. You might as well finish."

"I took him to the door and opened it to let him out. He turned and shook my hand but instead of leaving, he kissed me. We slept together on the sofa. I apologise if you didn't want to hear that but I assumed you wanted to know what happened."

"Why wouldn't I want to hear that?"

"Most people wouldn't want to hear about two men in sexual relations."

"I'm not most people and it really doesn't bother me. It's no different from anyone else talking about sex. How did you feel when you were together?"

"I'm not one for clichés if that's what you're expecting" Severus warned him.

"I don't want clichés. I just want to know how you genuinely felt."

"I didn't feel like myself. I felt like someone else that had the ability to be happy."

"So he made you feel happy?"

"Yes. Very."

"Have you felt like that much before?" Nathaniel froze a little, knowing it was a very personal question and he worried that Severus might think he was being too nosy.

"No I haven't. I can't remember ever feeling that way before" he admitted, really wishing that he could pull himself away from the conversation but part of him didn't want to. He had some compulsion to continue talking, even though he'd always told himself it would never help.

"But what happened afterwards? Why is he still…?" Nathaniel couldn't quite finish the question; a mention of Ginny's name would make Severus angry and there was no other way of asking but his friend seemed to know what he was asking.

"Afterwards, his phone rang. It was… her. I think she must have been asking him to go see her and so he left. The most ironic thing is before she called, he told me it was my Valentine's present. I told him I hated the day and he wanted to know why. Can anyone blame me for not liking it when things like that happen to me?"

"I'm sorry Severus. I really am. Have you heard from him at all?"

"No."

"Why haven't you tried talking to him?"

"I think it's very obvious that he's not interested."

"What makes you say that?"

"He left me. He didn't apologise or contact me after; he just left me there. Why would anyone do that if they were interested in me?"

"Why would anyone let you take their virginity if they weren't interested in you?"

"Stop trying to be logical Nathaniel. He's marrying a woman. He wanted to sleep with a man before it was too late."

"I think he wanted to sleep with you, not just any man."

"What on Earth would make you think that?"

"When he told you that he was gay, he said that he had feelings for someone in particular and he was the one that initiated the kiss, not you."

"That doesn't mean it was me he was interested in."

"What kind of things did he say during your time together?"

Severus thought back on the night in order, trying to remember specific things that Harry had said.

"He said something about it being much better. He said he trusted me and he asked me to be careful with him… nothing about how he felt or anything to suggest he cared about me."

"I need to ask you something. It's really personal but it's important. Please don't be taken aback by my question. If you don't want to answer then that's fine, but just remember I'm asking for a reason."

"Go on." Severus was intrigued about what kind of a question could possibly be a further invasion to his privacy and make him not want to answer. Surely nothing could be as bad as the things he'd already told Nathaniel.

"When you were intimate, did he call you by your name?"

Severus was confused as to why Nathaniel would ask such a question and he didn't know whether to answer or not. He knew the answer of course; the sound of Harry saying his name as he reached orgasm had repeated in his head several times since they had slept together. It haunted him before he went to sleep.

"Yes he did. Why do you ask?"

"Was it just…at the end? Or did he say it during as well?"

"He said it a few times during and at the end. Why do you want to know this?"

"If someone says a person's name during sex, it means that they are only thinking of that person; it means that they feel something. If you don't say a name then it could mean that it's more about sex than emotion."

"What would make you say that?"

"Okay, think of it this way. You must have slept with people that you didn't care for before. Most people have. And you've clearly been with someone you love as well. There are a lot of differences: the way you act with them; how you treat them and whether you make it personal or not."

"How do you know all of this Nathaniel?"

"I don't just study potions" he laughed.

"But even if he did use my name, that doesn't mean he wants to be with me. Saying my name could have just reminded him that he was with a man and made him feel better."

"Why are you so determined to believe that he doesn't care about you? I have told you all of these things that show how he feels and you still won't believe it."

"I've told you before: no one would ever be interested in me. There is nothing to be interested in. He wanted a man and I was there."

"Right, one last question and if the psychology doesn't apply then I will drop it. Is that a deal?"

"It is."

"When you were sleeping together, was he just accepting attention from you or did he give you attention too?"

"That's a very personal question."

"I know and like I said before you don't have to answer but it could help you understand his thinking."

"He didn't do much because I didn't give him the chance but when I tried to conceal myself he wouldn't let me and he said he wanted to see me. He kissed me all over. Is this too much?"

"No it's not. I don't care what you tell me. I have had more detailed conversations than this one, believe me. If he just wanted to be with a man like you say, then he wouldn't have tried to make you feel good about yourself and he wouldn't have cared about touching you. He would have accepted the pleasure."

"You make sense but if he cared then why would he leave and not contact me?"

"Maybe he doesn't realise that you feel something for him. He made the move on you so he might just think that you accepted to get sex."

"I wouldn't do that to him."

"He doesn't know that. You haven't told him how you feel. He probably thinks that you're laughing at him for wanting you. He might have thought that it was a one-off for you. Maybe he's hurting too. There are loads of reasons that he might not have contacted you but it doesn't mean that he doesn't care."

"I suppose you could be correct but how am I supposed to know? What do you suggest?"

"I told you to tell him how you feel and you didn't. Maybe you still should."

"He's engaged."

"He's engaged to a woman and he's gay. I think stopping him would be doing more good than harm, don't you?"

"Perhaps."

"Severus, grow some balls and go get him!"

"It's not about growing balls as you put it. Even if he does care for me, which he doesn't, why would he give up his family and security for me?"

"Because you can make him happy and he can do the same for you. I'm sorry to give you all this soppy stuff that you hate but it's true. Go there now. I mean it. If I find out that you haven't told him, I will tell everyone what a soppy git you are."

"No one would believe you" Severus tested.

"Do you want to risk that?"

"Fair point."

"Go. Now. If he hurts you again, you can hurt me in retaliation."

"I wouldn't ever do that."

"I know that."

"Thank you."

Nathaniel nodded his head in response, as Severus put down his empty beer mug and left the pub, finding his way to Harry's house with his heart pounding in his chest. He was about to make a fool of himself for the last time, one way or another. He was almost certain that Nathaniel was wrong and that Harry didn't care for him but he supposed there was some possibility that something could happen and he held onto that thought. He reached Harry's doorstep once more and this time, he pounded on it and didn't run away. He was an idiot and he knew it but he was an idiot in love and somehow, that didn't seem quite as pathetic as it used to.

What did everyone think? Please let me know and try not to tell me how shit I am at updating lol. Follow me on twitter or like me on F/B to chat about Snarry. :)

Thanks to Limelight12 for beta reading. :)