Was It Wrong To Go Along With Insanity?

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters and many of the places mentioned in this story. The plot is the only thing created by me.

Part 6:- Finding you can change

Harry

"I would like there to be. I thought that you would want that too."

"That is what I want but where does that leave your marriage to be?"

"I'm not sure. I don't know how I ever let things progress this far. I shouldn't have ever proposed to her when I knew I didn't want to be with her. I've really fucked this up."

Harry put his head in his hands and refused to look at Severus, realising how much pain he must have genuinely caused the man by being selfish. He had only considered himself and was even worse for being in the pretence that he was thinking about others. Ginny would have preferred for him to be truthful straight away instead of him complicating the situation further by planting false hope in her head. He'd hurt Severus by involving himself with the man before his relationship with Ginny had ended and his head was sorted. Finally, the whole family was going to be hurt because of his actions; they likely would have forgiven him for breaking off his relationship with the youngest Weasley but they were never going to now that he'd betrayed her in the worst possible way that he could have.

Severus reached out and stroked Harry's hand gently and cautiously. Why would he try to comfort him when he was the one causing all the problems?

"Don't. I don't deserve it" he told the older man, shaking him off and revealing his shame-filled face.

"Why would you say that?"

"I have hurt so many people from my actions. I never wanted to be that person."

"The only thing that will make the pain worthwhile is if you can come out of this with a greater understanding of yourself and how you will be happy."

"Right, let's talk. We need to work all this out. I promise to be totally honest with you and answer any questions you might have if you can do the same for me" Harry started bravely, despite the anxiety building within him.

"I believe that would be the best idea. I will allow you to start."

The green-eyed wizard thought hard about what he wanted to ask the most, considering Severus had always seemed to be quite open with him anyway. He thought back on their short, yet complicated relationship and remembered the one thing that he wasn't sure about and it happened to be the one thing that mattered the most if he were to consider leaving his fiancé.

"Why did you say that you loved me?"

"Why else would you think that anyone would say that?"

"Don't answer my questions with more questions" he warned, "it's annoying."

"I said it because I meant it."

"Seriously?"

"Yes. Of course."

"Why?"

"Harry, I said I would be honest with you and I am doing so but you must understand how difficult it is for me to open up. I cannot sit here and pretend to be a romantic. I care for you because I appreciate everything about you; the positives and the negatives and the fact that you somehow cannot see what is so attractive. However, there are so many other things that I am unable to find the words for." He sounded so genuine; full of affection and yet, fear at the same time. Harry had known the man for a long time and knew that this was already more information than he would have liked to give but he didn't press the subject. Severus almost had him convinced.

"I just don't understand why you would feel something for me. There's nothing special about me. How long have you felt like that?"

"I cannot pinpoint a specific time that things started to develop. I respected you after the war ended and I realised that you were not the person that I always assumed you were. From there, you came into my thoughts more often and I began to feel a fondness towards you. I thought nothing of it until those times when we were close in proximity and I wanted something from you that I couldn't understand. It was only when I started to feel a strong and unjustified hatred towards Miss Weasley that I realised how I truly felt. I made sure to see much less of you after that but I couldn't stop myself from seeing you altogether. I needed to." Harry respected the man for opening up to him in a way that was so uncharacteristic and he only hoped that he could deliver the same amount of honesty.

"Thank you for telling me. I understand how difficult this must be."

"I think it is necessary. Could you answer the same question for me?"

"I suppose it's a pretty similar story, except yours sounds nicer. My feelings developed in the same way as yours but I projected them to lust and started to desire you once I realised that Ginny couldn't be enough for me. I suppose it was a bit separate. I knew my feelings towards you had changed and then I discovered my new interest in men. I soon put the two together. You said you aren't very romantic but your story is much more like that than mine is. I'm sorry."

"There is no need to apologise. Though I find it very difficult to imagine how you would end up feeling this way."

"I'm not really sure how any of this happened but I suppose it doesn't matter. You said you didn't recognise your feelings for me. I was under the impression that you'd been with other men so what was so confusing for you?"

"The extent of my feelings was rather terrifying. I have been with other men but I did not want from them what I wanted from you. Did it feel odd to you to allow your first time with a man to happen so suddenly?"

"It took some getting used to" Harry admitted, "The worst part was feeling inexperienced. I just wanted you to enjoy yourself and I didn't think I was making that happen. At the same time, it wasn't sudden to me really. I had been thinking about it for a while. I didn't think it would ever happen though."

"How did you feel afterwards?"

"I felt amazing straight afterwards but obviously the guilt soon settled once I'd got the call from Ginny. I spent the time after feeling awful for what I'd done but I couldn't help thinking about it all the time and how perfect it was. Sorry but you really were amazing."

"I am glad you thought so. It was just as perfect for me also, apart from you leaving so quickly afterwards. What happened with the proposal?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"You promised that you would be honest with me."

"I know" he sighed, "Fine but this isn't going to be pleasant for either of us."

"I am aware."

"I spent a long time trying to decide whether to propose or not. The ring was in my pocket and we were at dinner with the whole family. I was looking around and realised how much they all meant. I didn't want to lose any of them and I definitely didn't want to hurt them. I'd basically made my mind up to do it and then I thought about us and I didn't want to. I realised how much I didn't want to marry her but once I snapped out of my daydream, I was already on one knee with the ring in hand. I don't remember how it happened. It just did" Harry admitted, feeling ashamed but also thankful that Severus was accustomed to hiding his emotions so well.

"I can fully understand that. The situation was unfortunate and I know how much the Weasleys mean to you. I just cannot fathom how you could have sex with her, knowing that it was not right for you."

"You knew that I would have to. You gave me the potion yourself."

"I gave you the potion before I thought that there was any chance of anything happening between us. I could never have slept with someone else after that night but you did."

"Barely."

"Whether you needed a potion or not, you still had sex with her."

"I'm not saying I didn't but I don't think it's how you're imagining" Harry answered, looking sheepishly around.

"What do you mean? What happened?"

"This is awkward."

"It is no better for me."

"I know. I took the potion and obviously it worked. I kept comparing being with her to being with you and I couldn't enjoy any of it. I tried everything. I even shut my eyes but nothing would make the fact that it wasn't right go away."

"But you continued?"

"No."

"I am afraid I do not quite understand."

"I couldn't enjoy myself and I had to pretend that I did" he muttered vaguely, hoping that Severus would accept the information as enough.

"So even then, when you realised that you could not do anything of that nature with her, you still did not choose to come back to me?"

"I told you. I didn't know how you felt about me. I didn't realise that I was welcome back. If I had known then I would have gone straight back to you."

"I am used to people not wanting to be with me. You need not pretend."

"You gave me everything I wanted. You still would, wouldn't you?"

"Yes." The answer was simple but sincere; Harry could tell how much Severus wanted to be with him and give him what he wanted. He only wished it was simple enough just to accept that and carry on.

"I don't know how I would even break this to Ginny."

"That is for you to decide. Just remember how you felt while we were together and imagine feeling like that every time."

"You don't know how much I want that. Everything I do gets out to the public though. How am I supposed to just accept such a massive change to my lifestyle, knowing that it's going to be all over the papers and the topic of conversation for the next decade? You hate my fame and everything that comes with it. You wouldn't be able to deal with all of that."

"My last token of complete honesty is this: I am nothing special; in fact, I am a terrible person with an awful past that haunts me to this very day. I am old, irritable and stubborn. You could find someone that would be so much better for you than me but they won't feel the way that I do."

"You need to start seeing yourself a bit differently. We all have downfalls. I know I've caused you so many problems already but could you give me just a little bit of time to get used to the idea of this and sort things out?"

"Of course. I am more patient than you might believe."

"Thank you and I'm sorry but I've made you late for your nightclub" he joked, standing up to leave.

"You are so very amusing. Feel free to do as you wish but I have a bed waiting for me." The two of them started leaving the pub together, Severus holding the door open for Harry as they left.

"A bed I haven't seen just yet." Severus didn't respond until they were down a side street with no one else around. He then pushed Harry against a nearby wall and stood very close to him, yet somehow their bodies didn't quite touch.

"If you ever find yourself in my bed, I will not hold myself responsible for my actions" he whispered before capturing him in a breath-taking kiss. It was short but full of passion, leaving Harry dazed, only remembering what was happening when Severus' lips moved down to his neck. He thrust his head backwards against the side street wall and tried not to feel too embarrassed about his persistent erection.

"Do not keep me waiting too long Harry" Severus said before apparating away and leaving Harry there panting.

"I won't."

Severus

A couple of days had passed since he and Harry had spoken and he thought he was doing pretty well considering. Every time that he started to feel insecure or he missed Harry, he reminded himself that with some luck, things would be a lot better for them soon. He knew that things would take some time and Harry would probably want to keep their relationship a secret for a while but he could deal with that. He would deal with anything as long as he could be with him. Severus refused to allow himself to worry too much about Harry changing his mind and deciding to continue living his life of lies because he was certain that he'd convinced the man not to do that. He seemed to genuinely want to give it a go with Severus but he had a lot to sort out for that to be able to happen.

His potions in the shop were almost fully stocked again and he was just finishing off the last of his Pepper Up potions, which had been selling fast because of the constant change in the English weather. It was becoming a bit of a habit and so he showed no surprise, even as far as looking up when Nathaniel came down from the shop floor and interrupted his brewing.

"Sorry Severus, there's someone here to see you."

"Who is it?" he responded, unconcerned. He only wanted to see one person and he highly doubted that Harry would come to him during his working hours. If it were anyone like the last guy that Nathaniel had called him back up to the shop for then he certainly didn't want to waste his time.

"It's Hermione Granger. I told her that you were busy but she claims that it is urgent."

This surprised Severus. He had barely any contact with Miss Granger since the war had ended, apart from when all of the order members were together or she needed some information that only he was likely to be able to help with. Even then, she sent him a letter via owl and as far as Severus could remember, had never come to his shop.

"Very well. Tell her that I will be there in a moment."

"She says that it's a private matter Severus. She would rather come down to you or leave the shop altogether."

"Blasted witch!" he exclaimed before casting a self-stirring charm on his current potion and stormed up the stairs to the main part of the shop, where Miss Granger was apparently waiting for him. He noticed her straight away with only one other girl in the shop; she was stood waiting patiently but did not do much to acknowledge him once he appeared.

"Miss Granger, as much as it is a pleasure to see you, I am currently very busy at work and would prefer to speak with you later on when I have finished."

"There really is no such need for your sarcasm. Do you not think that I would wait until later if I felt that I was physically able to? I need to speak with you now about something very important and it needs to be now."

Intrigued as to what could have brought her here in such a matter of urgency, Severus agreed and beckoned her down to his small laboratory underneath his shop. She followed him down and couldn't help herself from peering into the five cauldrons, currently brewing, her intellect fighting against her need to talk about whatever it was that she was there for.

"Is that Pepper Up potion?" she asked him.

"Indeed it is."

"I may need to purchase some before I leave."

"Then you may. Might it not be appropriate to inform me as to why you are here?" he inquired, raising an eyebrow slightly, as he crossed his arms and waited for her to speak.

"It is a delicate matter."

"Would you prefer to sit?" He summoned two chairs over to them both and gestured to her to seat herself before he followed and did the same.

"Thank you. I'm here because of Harry."

Severus tried to look unconcerned and blank, wondering what it was she was going to say to him. Had Harry sent her here to turn him down? Or had something happened to him? He knew he hadn't yet ended his engagement because he would have heard it from the man himself or failing that, the Daily Prophet.

"And what has Mr Potter done now that has made you feel inclined to visit me in my place of work?"

"He isn't acting himself right now. In fact, he seems very different and I am becoming more concerned about him by the day."

"I sincerely apologise that Mr Potter is not himself. However, I fail to see how I can be of assistance to you."

"Has he not said anything to you?"

"Why would Mr Potter choose to speak to me when he could speak to you or Mr Weasley?"

"Well I haven't figured that part out yet myself but I know that he has and I want to know what's wrong. I just want to be able to help him." Harry's friend did seem genuinely worried about him and Severus was positive that she just wanted to help, yet he knew he couldn't tell her what was causing the young saviour his pain. He would be very angry if he knew that Severus had disclosed their secret before he had been ready to tell the extensive Weasley family. He would have to play dumb and see how it went.

"I empathise with you Miss Granger but I am unaware of what is going on with Mr Potter at this precise time. However, should you find out more and you wish me to assist you then I would be perfectly willing to do so. For now, I suggest that you try speaking with him; alone would probably be best if that is at all possible with the herd of people that you all surround yourselves with."

"Are you really that unwilling to help me? I only have Harry's best interests at heart. I want to help him. I have tried asking him what's wrong but he just pushes me away. He is pushing everyone away. It's really getting to Ron and Mrs Weasley how much he is detaching himself from everyone."

Severus was confused. She couldn't possibly know that he knew what was wrong with Harry unless he had told her himself that he was somehow involved, which he highly doubted. Why was she acting so determined? He decided to sweep past it as much as he could.

"It sounds as though he needs a friend Miss Granger and somehow, I do not believe I would be the best person to help you with that. Surely considering how close the three of you are, you and your husband will be able to help him?"

"Of course we would be able to help him. We will always be there to help him but how are we supposed to do that when he keeps everything to himself? He has always found it difficult to confide in others no matter how much we try to help."

"If he will not confide in you then he will not confide in me."

"Are you honestly telling me that you don't know anything? Nothing at all? There is no reason that you can think of that Harry would be acting differently? Feeling differently?" she asked, oddly suspicious. Severus tried to convince himself that she couldn't know anything and that she was just bluffing but he wasn't so sure.

"You seem to know more than I do Miss Granger. What makes you think that I would know anything? You seem so certain that I can help. Why is that?"

"Because I saw you" she told him bluntly.

"You saw me do what?" he questioned, the panic not evident in his voice.

"I saw you go into his house."

"And is this now some form of crime or injustice?"

"No of course not but you were there for a very long time and you're trying to tell me that he didn't tell you anything? Why else would be there for so long? I saw you leave his house on my way to work the next morning. You must have been up talking all night about whatever is bothering him so why won't you tell me?"

Severus wasn't sure if his lover's friend knew more than she was letting on and was testing him to see if he would tell the truth. He couldn't risk that and he wouldn't fall into anyone's trap, no matter how good their intentions.

"Perhaps you should have mentioned that fact a little earlier in our conversation. It would have saved me a great deal of dishonesty. I did visit Mr Potter but we did not discuss his innermost thoughts and emotions. Surely even you would know that I am not the emotional type or the one that someone would come to for friendly advice?"

"Then what were you doing all night? How can you stay with someone all night and not talk?"

"I did not state that we did not talk Miss Granger. I simply stated that we did not discuss what may or may not be playing on Mr Potter's mind. And in answer to your question, I was asleep the majority of the night, much like everyone else would have been."

"If you don't know then why didn't you just admit to seeing Harry when I first asked you about him? And WHY did Harry lie to me when I phoned him, knowing that you were there? I phoned him and he told me he wasn't well."

She really needed to be having this conversation with Harry; Severus was certain that she knew or at least suspected more than she was letting on and he couldn't be the one to tell her.

"It is not my place to tell you things that Mr Potter has clearly chosen not to tell you himself. If he chose not to tell you that I was at his house then I shall not tell you either. Whatever reason he has not to tell you, I shall respect his wishes."

"Why are you so loyal to him?"

"I am not the evil man that you assume me to be. I take no pleasure in causing problems for other people and I have greatly changed since my days as your hated professor."

"You think I am making assumptions about you? I would say it was the other way around. I do not think that you are evil or anything that you just said. I am more than aware that your behaviour at school was because of something out of your control and of course the fact that you were a spy. Do not think that I see you as evil. I just wondered what made you feel close enough to Harry to want to lie for him?"

"It has always been my duty to protect him. Perhaps I cannot change that now."

"OK. I understand. At least tell me that whatever this is won't leave him feeling like this for long. I can't stand seeing him suffer."

"He will be fine Miss Granger. Meanwhile, I think it is important that he knows that you will always be there to support him. When he is ready to talk to you, he must know that it does not matter what he says."

"Of course it doesn't matter."

"Then tell him that."

"I will. Thank you." As Hermione got up to leave, Severus felt slightly relieved that he had somehow managed to lower her suspicions. He only hoped that Harry would make his decision soon so that everything could be out in the open. Before she reached the steps to the main shop, Harry's friend turned back to him, looking more than a little confused.

"When I called Harry and spoke to him, he was in pain."

"I beg your pardon?"

"When you were with him, he was in pain. What happened? Please tell me you didn't hurt him?"

"I would never hurt him! How dare you!" Severus couldn't help but get agitated at her accusation. She wasn't to know how he felt about Harry but did she honestly think that he would ever cause him any harm? He had never done anything to hurt him, even when they despised each other at school.

"Why are you getting so defensive then? If I am wrong then you can just say so. You don't need to get so angry."

"Would you not get defensive yourself had I accused you of hurting Harry?"

"Not with such a temper I wouldn't… did you just call him Harry?"

"Yes. What of it?"

"I've never heard you call him that."

"The war has long since been over and I am no longer his professor. I have no reason to address him with such formality."

"Something's not right here. If you weren't hurting him, then what was going on? He sounded…"

Severus looked away from her; he couldn't cope with seeing the cogs ticking in her eyes as she worked out what must have been happening if Harry hadn't been in pain.

"Oh Merlin! Tell me I'm wrong!"

"Wrong about what? How can I possibly tell you that you are wrong when I have no idea what you think you are wrong about?"

"Did you sleep with Harry?"

"That question is ridiculous."

"What's ridiculous about it? Look me in the eye and tell me the truth before I go and ask him myself."

"What makes you think I have an issue with you asking him?"

"You want me to go and ask him right now in front of everyone? You want me to humiliate him in front of his entire family so that they will never forgive him? Is that what you want me to do?" she seemed desperate to get an answer.

"You would never do that to him."

"And you're telling me that you're willing to risk that? I thought you cared."

"Do not test me."

"Tell me the truth. I want to help."

"What makes you think you can help?"

"He is my best friend. I know him. I can help." Severus sighed in response, knowing that she had figured it out and it was useless to continue denying it; he only hoped that Harry would forgive him.

"You are correct" he told her, "we slept together."