Part Eighteen: Playlists and Candy

Gallagher rocked my fucking world in the back seat of that car last night. We'd never fucked like that before. I guess that was his thank you for letting him hold my hand. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. There are worse things.

He had soft hands like a girl's. You'd think someone with ROTC training would have hard, tough, skin on their hands, but Gallgher's hands are soft and freckled. How the fuck are his hands freckled? His hands are bigger than mine.

"What's wrong with you?" Mandy asks at breakfast.

"What do you mean?"

"You're walking like you have a stick up your ass? Been riding horses or something?"

"Nah, I just changed my walk."

"People don't just change their walks."

"Fuck you, I changed mine."

"Whatever."

"And where the fuck would I find a fucking horse?"

She's not wrong. I do walk like I've had something up my ass. It's not something to get over so easily. I stare at her for a moment. Mandy would understand if I told her. I bite my lip. I'm such a fucking pussy.

"I fucked someone."

"I figured that. What kind of girl was this?" Mandy asks.

It wasn't a girl.

"It's not important."

"You really like this girl, Mick. I've never seen you this soft before."

"I'm not fucking soft."

"That's why you've been acting so fucking weird. You've got it bad."

I don't have anything bad. As batty Sheila said it's a crush, it'll pass. I hope.

"What do I do?"

"You could tell her."

"Fuck that shit."

"Make her a playlist."

"What?"

"Well, you could make a list of songs that make you think of her and put them on a CD and give it to her. I have some blank CDs in my room that I stole from Wal-Mart."

"How the fuck will that help?

"It will tell her you like her without telling her you like her, shithead."

She expects me to make Gallagher a fucking playlist? This is something boyfriends and girlfriends do, not fuck buddies. That's it. That's what we are. We're fuck buddies.

"Can I borrow the laptop?" I ask. Mandy brings me everything I need from her bedroom. I can't believe I'm fucking doing this. I shut the door to my bedroom and put a chair under it so no one comes in. I put my headphones on and put the blank CD in the computer. Mandy has shitty taste in music. N'Sync, what the fuck?

Nothing on here makes me think of Gallagher. That's not true. Everything makes me think of Gallagher all the time. I lean back on my bed and pick one of the songs and listen to it. I close my eyes and picture him doing what the lyrics of the song suggest. I add that song to the list.

I end up with twelve songs. I should add a few more. Mandy has a couple of bands that I actually like so I throw some songs on there just because I like them. I finish the CD with eighteen songs and I burn them to it.

I consider writing "Gallagher" on the top, but that would be a dead giveaway and there is no way to convince Mandy I'd been fucking Fiona. So I leave the CD title blank. I give Mandy her stupid computer back.

"Where are you going?" Mandy asks.

"To deliver the fucking CD. I can't believe I even fucking made it."

"Pick up some candy too. Girls love that romantic shit."

Jesus Fucking Christ. I have to get candy now? My shift at Kash 'N' Grab starts in half an hour. Gallagher will probably be there early. He as a strong work ethic. Don't know where that fucking came from. Frank hasn't worked a day in his life. I go to a local gas station to buy some fucking candy. I don't even know what the fuck he likes. What am I even doing? I leave without getting any candy. This is fucking stupid.

Gallagher greets me with a huge fucking smile when I get to work. He's always fucking smiling, but today it seems different.

"I had a really good time last night," says Gallagher.

"Here. Don't think anything of it. It's not a big fucking deal."

"You made this for me?" Gallagher asks.

What the fuck have I done?

"Don't make a big fucking deal about this."

He's staring at me like he wants to fucking kiss me. No. I draw the line at kissing. It's not going to fucking happen. But he has a powerful look in his eye right now. I will punch him in the fucking face if he tries to kiss me.

"Do I need to turn a hose on you?" Linda asks over the intercom and I jump about a mile. Gallagher is still fucking smiling, but not with his mouth, he's smiling with his eyes. How the fuck does he do that?

"So Lip is working on getting me into West Point," Gallagher says to lighten the mood. He's usually good for that. I relax and lean on the counter. "He's meeting with a soldier."

"Your family is way too fucking close."

"Lip's my best friend."

"I thought Mandy was your best friend," I say a little harsher than I mean to. I am slightly offended.

"She is. I can have more than one best friend. Who's your best friend?"

"I don't have one."

"Do you even have any friends?"

"Yes. Ryan is my friend."

"Who?"

What was that fat fucker's last name?

"He was my cellmate in Juvie. We kind of bonded. Isn't that what friends do? He's the only person I've ever really considered my friend."

"So I'm not your fucking friend then? What the fuck am I, Mickey?" Gallagher asks. He snaps. The smile is gone off his face.

"Gallagher," I say. He heads to the back room and comes out with some boxes. He starts stocking shelves and avoiding me. I try to help him but he pushes me back. "Gallagher." He won't even look at me. He rips open the box of Cheerios and starts stocking them on the shelf making as much noise as he could every time I try to open my mouth.

I fucked up.