REVAMPED!

[I AM OFFICIALLY ON CHRISTMAS BREAK THANK THE FUCKING LORD!]

Mark XXI: April Fools

Jarvis: Mrs. Stark, there's a visitor here for you.

A heavily pregnant Pepper Stark makes her way to the front to see her special visitor come out of the elevator. She smiles at the sight that her visitor is a friend of hers and Tony whom she last saw at her wedding. He hasn't changed a bit due to appearance but she has.

"Rhodey," she says, easily giving him a hug. "Long time, no see."

"I know," Rhodey replies, giving her a kiss on the cheek. "The military has me all over the place and I'm sorry I haven't seen you and Tony much since the wedding. I see you and the baby are still looking as beautiful as ever."

"Three more weeks till our baby girl is born. I swear that Tony is more nervous than I am. I had to almost beg him to go work on an experiment with Bruce and Hank. But it was better for him to go out and play with his friends, keep his mind off of things here."

"Classic Tony." He chuckles. "Always got to be doing something to keep his mind elsewhere. Whether it'd be building robots or kicking ass."

"Have a seat." Pepper opens her arms to their pristine array of white sofas and couches. "I'll get you something to eat."

"Oh, Pepper, you really don't - "

"Sit," Pepper commands with her stern expression. Rhodey sits down immediately with no other opposing argument. "You're a guest in my house and I will be a good hostess."

He smirks. "You'll be a damn good mother, I'll tell you that."

She grins in return. "Like Tony, I have to keep myself busy somehow."

Pepper enters the kitchen. She looks in the cupboards and sees the rows of jarred baby food and containers of powdered baby formula. She makes a quick mental note to go grocery shopping (or make Tony go) for real edible food later in the day. After scavenging through the kitchen, she finally finds some presentable snacks.

"What colour for the nursery?" James asks as Pepper returns.

"Purple," Pepper responds. "I wanted pink and obviously Tony wanted red and yellow so purple was our compromise. Although, Tony's built one of those charms - oh, I can't remember what they're called - that hangs above the crib. They're miniature Iron Man suits that fly around in a circle and the arc reactors glow in the dark. It's really cute. It was our compromise since I didn't want him building our daughter an actual suit."

"Finally he gets to do something original of him."

Pepper laughs but is suddenly cut off. She takes a hold of the baby bump and her mind goes blank. James looks at her and slowly reaches out for her.

"Pepper?" He questions.

She grabs his hand which startles him.

"Rhodey...she's coming." She hits another and tries to hold back her cries.

-o-

"It's not my fault that I was in Ecuador when SHIELD decided to play around with the Tesseract," Hank says. "I was investigating an invasive ant species contaminating their sewage system."

"Please," Bruce tells him. "You would've come but stopped where you were when you saw aliens coming out. Janet would've had the time of her life if she wasn't in the middle pf a suntan."

Hank is about to argue but has no rebuttal. Instead, he gives Bruce a pissed-off face and lets his fellow scientist bask in a victory. Off to the side, Tony is about to agree but Hank whips a pen at him to keep him quiet.

Stark Industries was responsible for cleanup and further research into alien technology after The Battle of New York. Even though SHIELD had a falling out with Hank before the event due to a disagreement on his work's confidentiality, Tony called him on board to help him with the aftermath. It was a jab well worth it. The two men disagreed on almost everything because of their egos. But they stuck around because they were the smartest men they knew, aside from Bruce, and Hank's Pym particles were the best storage device and unit.

Bruce was here because he was undeniably smarter than them and played as a mediator when the two hotheads were about to set the other on fire.

"I was supposed to stop this to prepare myself for the baby but nothing will ever work, will it?" Tony asks.

"Nope," Hank and Bruce reply in sync.

"But you do know what they say about having a little girl, right?" Hank asks.

Tony shakes his head.

Hank leans back in his chair to look at Bruce. "Do you know?"

"Don't have to," Bruce responds. "I'm having a boy."

"Good point." Hank looks back at Tony. "They say that a baby girl is payback for everything you've done as a young man."

Tony pauses, unsure of how to respond to that. Sure, he wasn't the best gentleman back in the day but now he's changed and that's all that matters. But if his little girl gets a man like his past self, he's going to suit up.

"Bruce, your son better be like you," Tony says.

Bruce laughs a little. "Will do my best."

Hank sighs out of relief. "Thank god you didn't say that about my son. I don't want our kids kissing or dating each other."

Tony shudders but excuses himself when he feels his phone ring. He takes it out of his back pocket and answers when he sees that it's Pepper.

"Hey," Tony says, excusing himself from his fellow scientists. "What's - "

He's cut off by some screaming in the background. Tony jumps a little as he hears Rhodey's mumbled voice as well.

"Pepper - ?"

Rhodey: Hey, Tony, look, Pepper went into labour.

Tony freezes, like his suit when it reboots. Once he exhales, it comes out as a laugh. He knows what this is: Rhodey coming to town to visit his pregnant wife all on April the First. It's an April Fools Day joke. Falling into labour early and today of all days? It's a classic joke.

"Nice try," Tony says. "But I'm - "

Rhodey: No, I'm serious.

"And why should I believe you?"

And with that, Tony hears a shrill scream in the background from his wife that was too gut-wrenching to be fake. Flustered, Tony makes some incoherent noises before hanging up the phone.

-o-

"Moron!" Pepper yells, holding her bump. "Why did I ever procreate with him?!"

"I can ask the same thing," Rhodey mutters.

He thought about calling Tony back but figured his friend would come to his senses soon. Well, hopefully, sooner than later. Rhodey rushes to Pepper's side as she calms down from an ending contraction.

"How far apart are the contractions?" Rhodey asks as they get to the elevator and call for it.

"You're supposed to count those?!" She exclaims. "I'm in the worst type of pain ever and they want me to keep track of time?! This is hell!"

"C'mon Pep, you can do this!"

"Just shut up and get me to the hospital."

-o-

"What was that about?" Bruce asks once he realizes that the phone call ended.

Tony turns around a bit confused. "Pepper's in labour."

Hank and Bruce look at one another for a quick second before back at Tony. They both put down whatever they were holding and sigh.

"Get to the hospital!" They scream at him.

-o-

As she winces through the pain, James maneuvers through the busy streets of New York cutting people off and ignoring their curse words of choice. If Pepper heard those, she'd give them a piece of her mind. She seems fine although he doesn't know how a pregnant woman is supposed to be while in labour. He left the military for the day to deliver a baby. Great. He hopes Tony will make it on time. That this is the one day he will come on time.

"I hate this!" Pepper exclaims. "Tony!"

"He's coming. He'll be on time."

She laughs through the pain. "Tony on time for something. Give me a break."

"Hey, your baby girl is early so nobody in your family is ever on time."

"Rhodey..." She mutters this time. He looks back at her through the mirror. "This is really happening. I'm having a baby."

He smiles. "Yes, yes you are, Pepper."

-o-

Once they arrive at the hospital, Rhodey jumps out of the car and circles around to get Pepper. He helps her slide out and holds her up as she arches over, holding back a scream. A few moments later, she relaxes and they start walking towards the hospital.

They know that they're supposed to be timing the contractions but Pepper was too busy contracting to count. And Rhodey was busy keeping his shit together.

"Oh my god…" Pepper mutters. "She really wants out."

"And she'll come when her Mom's medicated and Dad's here," Rhodey reassures, more confident on the former than the latter.

Before they could come any closer, the hospital's automatic doors open up and Tony comes out with a wheelchair in front of him. He holds it out and Pepper and Rhodey stop to stare at him. So many questions run through their minds but they're not sure which ones to ask right now.

"I got you the most glamorous wheelchair," Tony tells her.

Pepper scoffs. "You mean the one for pregnant ladies."

[THE BABY'S COMING!]

[2019: That whole "payback" line was from a real interview with RDJ that I thought would be perfect here].