Thirteenth Chapter
"Lost Hope"
Sitting in the waiting room two hours later, Annie knew that Auggie would tell her to be realistic-to accept her fate. He had told her that the doctor had not given much hope of her ever regaining the ability to walk. But he had said that there was a chance. Now, Annie was holding on to that chance for dear life. It had to be true.
Annie was so focused on her thoughts that she didn't hear her name being called. "Annie Walker?" a nurse announced impatiently for the fourth time.
"Oh yes! I'm here." Annie unlocked the wheels on her wheelchair and rolled herself over to where the nurse called from. "Sorry, I was a bit lost in thought."
"It's okay. I'm Melissa. I will be assisting Dr. Gold today." The nurse said as she led Annie to an exam room. "Do you need help transferring to the exam table, or can you manage?"
"I think I can do it. Just stand by if I need you, I'll let you know." Annie stated confidently. She had been getting the hang of transferring from her wheelchair the last two days.
Slowly, but surely, Annie transferred herself from her wheelchair to the exam table. Annie was grateful for the fact that she had almost complete upper body control.
Melissa did some basic checks of Annie's vitals, took some blood to the labs, and told Annie to wait while they checked to see if the MRI machine was free. They wanted to check the scar tissue around Annie's heart and make sure everything was successful from the surgery. After the MRI, Annie was brought back to the same exam room. This time, she stayed in her wheelchair. She figured she could transfer quickly enough once the doctor came in if she needed to.
The wait seemed to be forever, but finally Dr. Gold returned with Melissa behind him.
"Good afternoon, Annie. You're looking a lot better than when I last saw you."
"Thank you, Doctor Gold. I do feel a lot better. I don't think I would feel half as good if not for the awesome work you did on my ticker."
"All the test results show that your heart is functioning almost normal. There's some scar tissue that we will need to watch to make sure it doesn't cause any problems in the future, but I'm pleased with the results. How is your energy level these days?"
"Well, it's pretty good. I usually have to take a nap in the afternoon. All the therapy sessions seem to take a lot out of me these days."
"hmmm, that is a little concerning, but hopefully it will improve over time. Let me know if it does not. Do you have any pain? Oh, and how are you adjusting to your wheelchair?" Doctor Gold asked.
"Well, I'm told I will be choosing a new wheelchair fit to my body in the next week or so, but I'm not sure I will need a wheelchair for much longer." Annie said proudly, sitting herself up a little taller as she spoke.
"Why is that?" Doctor Gold asked confused.
"Well, doctor, the past couple days, I've felt some pain and sensations in my left foot. I figure that means my spine is healing and I will be up and walking again soon. I have been working hard-." Annie said excitedly.
"Annie, let me cut you off right there." Dr. Gold said raising his hand to stop Annie. "Annie, your spine cannot heal itself. Your MRI results today proved it. The damage is too great. The nerves might be healing a little causing some residual feeling, but Annie, that is not enough for your brain to handle controlling the lower half of your body. Your spine simply does not have the connections left to communicate with your brain. I'm sorry Annie, but that is the way it is. The quicker you accept that, the better off you will be."
Annie blinked a couple times to prevent the hot tears threatening to fall down her cheeks from escaping. She had thought there was a chance. She had thought there was hope.
Annie spent another forty five minutes talking with Doctor Gold about: how she could increase her energy levels throughout the day, foods and beverages she should avoid with her heart condition, and medications she should still be taking to ward off depression, manage any pain or soreness, and prevent infections for her still healing surgical wounds. As Annie was waiting outside the hospital for her ride to come to take her back to the rehabilitation center, the sunny disposition that Annie had found herself in this morning and through the afternoon was now gone and was replaced by an intense bitterness.
Once she was back at VCU she went straight to her room. Because it was after 5pm, she knew she wouldn't have any one bothering her. All therapy sessions were complete for the day and most of the patients were either in the cafeteria or in one of the recreation rooms. Annie just wanted to be alone right now. She had a lot of serious thinking to do.
As she rolls herself into the restroom to take care of business she sees a little cup by the sink. It contains her medicine that she is supposed to take. The nurse must have left it there as a reminder for her to take it since she was out of the building at the normal time she took it. What's the point of taking the medicine if she would never walk again?, she thought bitterly. As she continued to think about her the current heartbreak, a plan began to form in her head. She would take her medicine; she would be a good girl. Just when she took the medicine was in question.
Of course, Auggie called her around 9pm that night as usual. He was still at work trying to get an operative out of hot water. Apparently he had been having trouble with almost all the new operatives he had been assigned to since Annie left. None of the new agents he worked with had her skill, at least that's what Auggie told her. They all seemed to have a knack for messing up or blowing their covers. Of course, Annie had been good under pressure, but the new operatives he worked with, did not have the same "cool under pressure" attitude.
Annie had a plan for him tonight. She needed to create some distance from Auggie. She couldn't bear for him to "see" her unhappy. She was glad that he couldn't talk long. But as she set her plan into motion that night, she knew he wouldn't go for it her first attempt.
"How was your day Annie?" Auggie asked abounding particularly exhausted.
"It was great. The therapists all kept me on my toes today, but I've made a lot of improvements. I can transfer from my wheelchair almost completely by myself now. I've made some new friends here. I ate lunch with Amber and Seth today. They are fellow paraplegics. It was nice getting to talk to people who understand what I'm going through for once." Annie knew this last part would hurt Auggie, but that was her intension. She wanted to hurt him without seeming like she was trying to hurt him. She needed him to want to back off a little. She knew that if she asked him to give her space, it would raise red flags in his analytical mind.
Auggie couldn't believe his ears. Annie seemed-well, Annie seemed almost happy. She was sounding confident and well, like Annie. All because she had a good day and met some friends? Auggie was happy to hear a change in Annie, but he wasn't sure it was true. Was she trying to deceive him for some reason? Remembering his own days of rehab, he knew that those who were going through life changes like this could be manipulative to those around them. He certainly had been. Of course, being a spy helped with this. But, this was Annie. His Annie. Why would she want to manipulate him?
He decided to just go with it for now. She truly sounded in a much better mood than he had heard her in in months (even before the shooting).
"That's great Annie. Maybe I can visit this weekend. I have some exciting news I want to share with you. I think you'll be impressed with my research."
"That's great Auggie. But I don't know about this weekend yet. I'm supposed to have a couple driving lessons over the weekend." This was a compete lie, but it was also something she knew would make Auggie think twice about wanting to come. Driving was one of the few things that Auggie would never be able to do again. Bringing up that she would be able to would upset him-even if he didn't say so.
Auggie felt like Annie had just punched him in the stomach. Wow, he thought, Annie is doing great. Maybe that's all she needed. For me to give her a little space to deal with everything on her own. She is going to be able to drive again. Of course she is. He had known paraplegics who drove. But of course, he doesn't know any blind guys that drive. "Okay, well, Annie, just let me know. I will talk to you tomorrow. Call me if you need anything. You know I'm always here for you Walker."
"I know Auggie. Good night." Annie replied as she heard the phone disconnect. Annie shook her head and she thought. The man is incapable of giving a proper good-bye on the phone.
Over the next three days, she did everything the same way she had on her fourth day of rehab. She went to sessions with Christina and Marcus. They were amazed by the strength and diligence she put forth in the sessions. The psychologist she went to see twice a week, Robert, was also amazed at her new attitude. Although, he took a lot more convincing than anyone else. He even ordered her to start coming every day instead of just twice a week. He didn't think it was possible for her to really be this okay with her disability. Of course, he was right, but she didn't let on to this. She faked her way through every interaction she had with everyone. She had years of practice lying for the CIA. Now she put those skills to the test with the ultimate deception.
She ate lunch with Amber and Seth. She also had dinner with them one night. Annie even went to the recreation rooms to play a poker with Seth, Amber, and one of their friends Jacob. Annie was determined to pretend that everything was perfectly normal-that she was completely fine with her new "condition". She was resolved not to let anyone know the pain she was feeling on the inside. Auggie called each night and showed concern for her attitude change as well. He was concerned she was bottling all of her feelings inside and that she would explode soon. However, when Auggie went to Joan with his concerns, Joan seemed to think the change was genuine.
"Auggie, didn't you learn to accept your disability?"
"Well, yes, you know I did. But this just seems too fast. Something is up."
"Auggie, so because Annie is not grieving on your timeline, you think its not possible that she is really accepting her new circumstances. Auggie, you know she doesn't have a choice, but to accept them. Feeling sorry for herself won't change what is."
"Joan, I know that. I know that better than anyone else. But Joan, this just isn't how it works."
"Auggie, maybe not for you it wasn't. But this is how it is happening for Annie. Don't push her into depression."
Auggie sighed at this. That was the last thing he wanted.
Later that night, day seven since Annie had been at rehab, Auggie called Annie to talk with her. But she didn't answer. Concern overwhelmed Auggie when he called another eight times without an answer. Auggie had to get in touch with her. He had to know she was okay. As a last resort before calling the car service to take him to her, he called the VCU to ask for her.
"Virginia Commonwealth Rehabilitation Center, this is Andrew, how may I direct your call please?"
"My name is Auggie Anderson. I am looking for a patient there. She isn't answering her phone. Is there a way for you to transfer me to her room or something?"
"Sir, there are not landline phone in patient room. They were never used, so we took them out. There are intercoms now so that if we, the staff need to talk to a patient, we use that. But I don't think Ms. Walker is in her room. Would you like me to page her to come to the front desk for a phone call?"
"Yes, please. That would be helpful."
"Okay, please hold."
"Annie Walker, please come to the front desk for a phone call. Annie Walker. You are needed at the front desk for a phone call."
Annie smiled to herself when she heard the announcement over the intercom. Her plan was going exactly as planned. She excused herself from the group in the recreation room and rolled down the hallway to the front desk.
"You paged me?"
"Yes, a Mr. Anderson is on the phone for you."
"Again? Okay thanks Andrew, I'll take it here if you don't mind."
"Of course not. Take all the time you need."
"Hello?" Annie asked once she had the phone in her hand and Andrew let her know it was no longer on hold.
"Annie! I've been worried sick about you. Are you okay?"
"Auggie? Of course I'm okay. I was watching a movie in the rec with the gang. Why were you worried?"
"Annie I've tried calling you for the last hour. I thought something might have happened to you. Are you sure you are okay?"
"Auggie, I'm fine. Are you okay? You seem to be the one with the problem here. Why can't you accept that I might actually be okay with all this now? You are not making things any better by constantly accusing me."
Auggie gasped but didn't know how to respond. Was what Annie said true?
"Auggie I know your experience was not great when you lost your sight. But, Auggie, I'm okay. I'm okay with everything. I'm okay with the heart condition. I'm okay with never walking again. I'm even okay with Simon dying. I'm really doing okay Auggie. Some might say I'm doing great considering. Maybe we should take a break on the phone calls and constant communication. Auggie, I think you need a break." Annie stated with as much passion, confidence, and concern as she could muster. This had to be believable. It had to be perfectly convincing.
"Wow, Annie. Maybe you're right. Maybe I am causing you more harm than good. I'm sorry. I'm truly glad you are doing well. I will leave you alone if that's what you want. You know how to reach me if you need me. But Annie, please don't push me away."
"Auggie, you're my best friend. I just need you to stay strong. When I get out of here, I'm going to need you more than ever."
"You've got it Walker. I'll give you some space."
"Thanks Auggie. And don't worry; I'm doing great-ahead of schedule to get out of this place." Annie confidently told him.
"That is great Annie. Okay, well, enjoy your movie."
Then the line was disconnected. For once, Annie failed to say good-bye to Auggie before hanging up. The action did not go unnoticed by Auggie.
Instead of going back to the rec room Annie went to her room. Her plan was going perfectly and the finale was approaching quickly. She just had to wait for eleven o'clock to roll around when all patients were usually in bed and she could almost guarantee no nurse would check in on her.
Author's Note: Please review.