Part Twenty-Six: Seeing Stars

I can't stop thinking about Ian. I feel overcome with emotion when his face is on my mind. I lie back on my bed and think about him. Gallagher the Cat is perched on my stomach purring loudly. He's chosen our cell as his favorite spot.

"You've got it fucking bad, man," says Ryan.

"I'm not gay," I say again. Why won't he believe me? Fuck.

"Keep telling yourself that, Mick. Remember the fucking bet? You lost."

"I didn't lose," I say.

"Oh please, you lost within an hour. I saw that fucking smile. It was an Ian smile and we both know it."

"That doesn't prove anything."

"Remember the bite marks and the fucking?" Ryan brings up.

Fuck. Ian visited me last month and we fucked in the yard. The fucker bit me on the shoulders and neck and I had hickeys for a few days. The boys wouldn't let it go and I nearly got the shit beat out of me by Travon.

He also gave me a fucking CD that Ryan fucking played in the cafeteria in front of all the boys. I almost killed him for that. We wrestled for ten minutes until he shut it off. Several of the songs were fucking love songs. The guys wouldn't let me live it down.

"Just fucking drop it, and you, fluff ball, get the fuck off me," I tell Gallagher the Cat. I pick it up by the skin of its neck and put the cat on the floor. He goes to sit with Ryan instead. Fuck you, Fur ball.

"I'll drop it if you get me a date with Mandy. Your sister is fucking hot."

"I'm going to kick your fat fucking ass."

"What? She is."

"What the hell. You might be better than the rest of the assholes she's dated. I'll talk to her next time I see her."

We have yard time coming up. When the buzzer goes off we stand clear of our cell's opening. I pick up Gallagher the Cat and hand him to a guard on my way out so he doesn't get trampled. I'm fond of the little fucker.

The boys in the front of the line to go outside start cheering and several of them turn around and look at me with big fucking smiles. When it's my turn through the door I quickly learn why. Ian is standing out there with twelve fucking guards around him.

I smile at him. Ryan gives me a playful shove from behind and I punch him in the arm. He nudges me toward Ian. Several other boys are watching. "Kiss," they chant. I look at Ryan. He's got a big fucking smile on his face.

"You can kiss me if you want," says Ian taking my hand and pulling me in close. He puts one hand on my back. Normally, I would pull away, but today I don't. My heart is pounding. Fuck. He's actually going to kiss me. Not on my fucking watch. I don't fucking kiss.

I kiss him on the cheek and that seems to satisfy them. Fucking wolves. Ian and I hold hands. I don't fucking care. It makes him happy. "You're so cute," says Ryan walking by us. "But you're not fooling anyone." I flip him off.

"What's he talking about?" Ian asks as we walk along the yard, hand in hand. He probably thinks we're boyfriends. We aren't.

"Nothing. How are you?" I ask letting go his hand to light a cigarette. I go back to holding his fucking hand when it's lit. When the wind blows I catch of whiff of Ian's cologne and my knees start buckling. Fuck he smells good.

"I'm not bad. I found out the guy I've been fucking is Jimmy's dad."

"Who the fuck is Jimmy?" Is that the guy who's ass I'm kicking?

"Oh, I'm sorry, you don't know. Jimmy is Steve. Fiona's boyfriend. Yeah. It turns out Jimmy's dad is bisexual. It's complicated." So it's Jimmy's dad whose ass I'm kicking.

"What else is going on?"

"Fiona got her GED, Karen's baby isn't Lip's its actually Asian and has Down's Syndrome, and Fiona blew all our fucking money on hosting a club night," Ian rambles. I stop walking. I notice he's licking his lips a little more than usual. He wants me to kiss him. Fuck.

"Shut up and get on me," I tell him. Ian pulls me toward the watch tower and we get out of our clothes. He fucks me in the grass. Ants crawl on me as I'm on back. This is the first time we've done it face to face. I get to stare at him as he fucks me. I clutch the grass around me as he thrusts and pull some out when it starts to feel really fucking good. I don't suppress any moaning. I let them out. Ian kisses my shoulder and my chest. That feels fucking good.

I feel free. I feel like I can fucking fly. He's blowing my fucking mind. When Ian hits a stride I wrap my arms around him and dig my nails into his back. He winces in pain but never stops. We finish at the same time. He falls on top of me and kisses me on the cheek.

"Where the fuck did you learn that?" I ask as I pat him on his bare back. His skin is so fucking smooth. His shoulders are freckled. I smile.

"I've learned a few things," says Ian.

"I'm seeing fucking stars," I admit.

"Me too."

We go at it one more time and I lose myself completely to him. He's so fucking good. Fuck. When it's over we dress in silence. Ian makes sure my prison clothes look right and everything is in order. He smoothes my hair and puts his face near mine.

"The wolves are going to eat us up for this," Ian whispers before kissing my neck and ears. This is getting me hard. "I think you're poking me in the leg with that thing."

"Yeah," I say, I can barely think. I can barely move. I want him. Fuck. I hold his fucking hand on my own and I walk as close to him as I can get. It takes every fucking ounce of dignity I have not to jump his fucking bones.

"Aw, look," say several boys when they see us.

"Here it comes," says Ian.

Cindy is waiting for Ian. He reluctantly releases my hand. It feels like my heart is being pulled out of my chest when he waves good bye at me. My knees finally give out and I go down. I sit on the grass and am hit with a wave of emotion. I miss him already. Fuck.

Ryan walks next to me but we don't talk until we're back in our cell. I sit beside him on his bed and we share cigarettes. "Shut the fuck up," I tell him.

"I wasn't going to say anything."

"Yes you were. Just fucking say it."

"You're in over your fucking head, my friend."

"In what?" I ask.

"In love, man," says Ryan.

"Fuck you, I am not."

"I call bull shit."

"Well fuck your bull shit. I am not in love. Milkovich's don't fall in love." Especially not with guys. I'm not fucking gay. I am fucking horny though.