Author's Note: Sorry about the long wait. I was going to get this posted a few days ago but I lost some of the chapter and had to rewrite a large portion of it. The lesson to learn here today is to not trust your computer and save, save, save your files at least once a day if not several times a day. Enjoy.
Disclaimer: I do not own South Park. Any public and political figures mentioned are fictional and their portrayals are done poorly, including the Tonight Show and Jimmy Fallon.
Warning: language, death
Chapter Three
"Welcome back to the Tonight Show! I'm your host Jimmy Fallon and tonight we have a special guest for you!" the new host of the Tonight Show, Jimmy Fallon announced, the commercial break over. "Now I know why you guys are tuning in tonight. We have a guy who's been making waves all over the county. Some people are pissed off about it, others are not. Please welcome General Zod!"
As the band played, Zod stepped out onto the stage, hardly looking impressed at what was before him. There was applause, some boos as well, but none of it seemed to change the man's facial expression.
With a dead look, he glanced at the Jimmy Fallon creature who was clapping his heads like the best of them, starting to look around uncomfortably when Zod had not taken a seat, much less made a move towards his desk. Eventually, as his campaign manager had recommended, Zod marched his way to the "guest seat" but remained standing, refusing to sit.
He really saw no point to these inane Earthian rituals. He was only doing this because this is what depressingly normal Earthians did.
"Would you like to take a seat?" the Jimmy Fallon creature offered.
"Zod will take his seat when he feels like it," Zod stated, taking up an intimidating pose with his hands behind his back and feet parted.
"Okay…well, you've been in the news a lot, recently. Would you like to tell everybody why you are running for president?" the Jimmy Fallon creature asked.
"Because Zod desires a position of power, as he rightfully deserves." Was that not obvious by now? "Ruling you pathetic Earthians is the only position worthy of Zod."
"That seems to be a very ambitious thing you got in your head," the Jimmy Fallon creature commented. Zod turned his head just another to spare the Earthian a look. "Well, thank you for coming on the show," the Jimmy Fallon creature picked up when it became apparent that Zod was not going to say anything more. "Now, this is something that a lot of people are wondering about. What are you campaigning for? I mean, if you get elected, what are you going to be doing?"
"It is fairly simple," Zod stated, fixing his eyes on the unworthy studio audience. "There are going to be a lot of changes. The first will be that I will declare Zod to be President-for-life."
"That's a mighty bold claim," the Jimmy Fallon creature said.
"Zod does not make claims. Zod tells you how it's going to be," Zod said.
"Well…anything else?" the Jimmy Fallon creature asked.
"Yes. It has come to Zod's attention that there is this piece of parchment you Earthians are obsessed about. You call it the Bill of Rights. Zod has read through them and when elected, Zod will be making changes to them."
"You mean if you get elected," the Jimmy Fallon creature said.
"Are you correcting Zod?"
"Sorry, sorry, it's just you're…very confident," the Jimmy Fallon creature hurried to correct himself. "So what changes do you plan on making if—I mean, when you get elected?"
"Zod does not care about freedom of speech so you Earthians may keep it. If you say anything bad about Zod, you shall be executed immediately as an enemy against Zod. There will be no more freedom of religion. All religions on this planet will be destroyed. However, Zod will be generous and allow those who choose to worship to worship at the Church of Zod. There you may worship Zod and all his glory."
"What makes you think that people will allow that?" the Jimmy Fallon creature asked. "Don't you think a lot of people will be mad about that?"
"You dare to interrupt Zod?" Zod was looking back at the Jimmy Fallon creature. Not waiting for an answer, "It will not be a terrible transition. All you Earthian have to do is to take the Z in Zod and change it to a G."
"So if you change the Z in Zod into a G, that would make it God," the Jimmy Fallon creature said out loud.
Silence in the audience. Then, "I'd go to that church," a random audience member said.
"I have been hearing a lot about a second amendment," Zod continued. "You Earthians will be allowed to keep your weapons as they have no effect on Zod. Zod could care less if you kill each other one by one. It will make it easier to control you if there are less of you. The right to privacy will not be changed because you Earthians have already given it up to social media. All Zod has to do is go on your internet and Zod will know everything about you down to the second you perform elimination activities."
"Got a point there," the Jimmy Fallon creature commented.
"Zod does not need the Jimmy Fallon creature's commentary." A warning look was aimed at the Jimmy Fallon creature before the Kryptonian general continued. "Zod will allow the fifth amendment. You shall only be tried one time. That is all Zod needs to convict you anyway. The sixth amendment will be strengthened so that speedy trials become speedier. Zod was unable to understand the seventh so he skipped that one. The eighth amendment will be thrown out because criminals only understand cruel and unusual punishment. The Jimmy Fallon creature may now make his commentary."
"It sounds like you're going to be busy if—I mean, when you get elected," the Jimmy Fallon creature said. "Do you really think that the people of this nation are going to, you know, let you change the Bill of Rights?"
"It's not like they use them all," Zod said. He would've shrugged but that would have ruined his intimidating stance. Zod did not show weakness.
"Screw you! I use all my Bill of Rights sometimes!" someone from the audience yelled.
Zod was merciless in his reply. He fired his laser and another Earthian's head exploded. That would be the one hundred fifty-fourth time he had done that. Zod knew that was the number because he kept strict count.
"By God, another aneurysm," the Jimmy Fallon creature said.
"That was a Zod-induced aneurysm," Zod claimed. "All those who oppose Zod place themselves at risk for another Zod-induced aneurysm. Is there anyone else who wants to oppose Zod?"
The audience was completely silent.
"Zod figured as much," Zod stated.
"Get up Stan! We're going to be late!" Randy Marsh crashed into Stan's room that morning before rushing back out. Christ what time was it, Stan thought to himself as he blinked his eyes open, glancing at the alarm clock on the bedside table.
What the…? It was eight o'clock in the morning! It was too early for his father's shit! And it wasn't a school day!
He closed his eyes and snuggled further into bed, hoping to get maybe a few more minutes of sleep.
How much time passed, he did not know, but the next thing he did know was that he was being dragged out of his bed and his Sunday clothes were thrust into his arms. "Hurry up Stan! We're going to miss everything! Gawd!" The world was rushing about him and the only thing that made sense was that he was in the bathtub, his father doing a crappy job of washing him.
Okay, now that really woke him up.
"Dad!" he exclaimed as he sputtered out water. His head was forced down as his father rubbed shampoo into his hair. He was quite a bit rough about it.
"No time, Stan, we're going to be late for church!" Randy exclaimed.
"But church doesn't start until eleven!" Stan protested.
"I know but we're not going to want to miss a minute of it!" Randy replied. "Now hold your breath, son."
"Hold my—" he was cut off as his head was forced under the water.
Now, if he wasn't completely awake before, he definitely was now. Coming up for air was so sweet for his lungs but he became alarmed when his father was reaching for the body wash. Oh no. No, no, no. Nuh uh, no way.
"I can do it," Stan stated as he snatched the body wash away before his dad could.
"Hurry up then! Breakfast is on the table and we need to leave, like, five minutes ago," Randy complained and Stan couldn't help but feel such hatred towards him. He had no idea what his dad's beef was this time but hopefully it wasn't as bad as having to walk up and down the sidewalk for his father's dumb support political thing.
Hopefully.
Hope was in short supply it seemed.
"You've got to be kidding me," Stan said. They were two hours early for church but…Stan didn't want to go in there. Yes, it was the same building that they always went to for church. There was just one problem. It wasn't the good, wholesome…okay maybe not completely wholesome, Catholic Church that he had been to all his life.
It was the Church of Zod.
Now this was just getting ridiculous. No more were there crosses or stained glass windows of various scenes from the Bible. Everything symbolic and Christian was now replaced with every conceivable image of Zod The stained glass windows were of Zod doing superhuman feats, the hymn books were all replaced with new hymn books that featured songs all about Zod, and the big cross with Jesus on it was now a golden statue of Zod.
Stan shuddered to think about what else was different. If the adults had gone to this extent…
"Do you see all this?" Randy praised. "This is going to be so awesome! Better than regular, boring church!"
"I'll admit, this is different," his mother, Sharon answered, also taking in the changes.
"God I hate this family," Shelly muttered, her usual untamed brown hair not styled conservatively.
"Shelly!" Randy reprimanded. "We do not say God in this holy sanctuary! We say Zod now. So say it again correctly."
"…Zod, I hate this family," Shelly muttered.
"That's better," Randy nodded.
"Dad, I think this is super wrong," Stan said. "What would God think about all this?"
"Well, Stanley, we don't have to worry about God anymore because the only thing to fear is Zod himself," Randy answered. "Now come on, we need to get some good seats!"
"Randy, we're the only people here," Sharon said. Indeed, what she said was true.
For a second, at least.
"I hope we're not too late," Craig's dad said as he entered the Church of Zod, the Tucker family in tow. He came to a stop as his eyes met with Randy's.
"Dibs on the front pew!" Randy called out and began running.
"Like hell!" Craig's dad swore as he gave chase.
"No, it's mine!"
"Suck it Marsh!"
"Screw you Tucker!"
Ooh, that was a vicious hit there. But Craig's dad was not down for the count. He tackled Randy and the two were wrestling on the floor like two overgrown children. Once again, Stan's hopes were dashed.
"I would rather to be anywhere else than here and with you," Craig said from beside him, watching the fight.
Stan couldn't blame him. Really, he couldn't.
Because of the fight, Randy didn't get his coveted front pew. Some asshole had taken advantage of the scuffle with Craig's dad and stolen it from under his nose. Then came the realization that there was a second front pew and the fight started all over again. Take a wild guess what ended up happening.
Stan didn't have to look to know that his dad was pouting like a little kid. Someone else with some brains had stolen the second front pew so neither the Marshes or the Tuckers got the front pews. If only his dad wasn't so…wasn't so…what was the word? Kyle would know it, he was sure. Stupid wasn't the right word though his dad was so stupid it should be called a mental illness. Immature? Yeah, that was it! Stan was supposed to be the immature one; he was literally immature in every sense of the word.
Well, anyways, the church was packed for once. Stan was sure he hadn't seen most of these people before. Some were even standing, waiting to poach a seat anywhere they could. That sucked because now there would be no bathroom breaks.
Up at the front, Stan was surprised to see Father Maxi; the Father was known to be incredibly devout so of all the people in town, he was sure that Maxi wouldn't convert.
"Well this is quite a surprise. The church is filled for once," Father Maxi commented. "I bid you all welcome to the Church of Zod where we all take time out of our lives to devote it to the glory and the awesomeness that is Zod. We know not where he comes from, what he used to do, or even what he was like, but all here can agree that he is pretty damn awesome. Now I would like to read a passage from the holy book, the Book of Zod."
You have got to be kidding. There was already a holy book for this thing? This cult? No. No, you were pulling his leg. There could not be a book for this crap already.
The next thing he knew, a thick, leather-bound, black book was shoved into his hands by his father and there on the cover in gold lettering was "THE BOOK OF ZOD." How…how could something with this many pages exist already? He skimmed to the back and found, of all things, a picture of the author.
The eyes of Zod and that impassive expression of his peered right back at him.
…okay, how the hell had this asshole written something like this in that short amount of time? This was freaking ridiculous! What was he, some kind of real-life internet troll?
Up at the front, Maxi cleared his throat. "And he conquered the Vrangs, massacring the males, enslaving and sodomizing the females, and placing the children into forced labor camps," Maxi read aloud. "And Zod was pleased. Then he annihilated the Xan, turning their electromagnetic bodies into batteries to power the rise of the Kryptonian military. Zod was pleased and it was a good thing…"
Stan stifled a groan. This was so lame. Super lame. Incredibly, ultra lame. The adults in this town were idiots. That was the only explanation. They were idiots and they were going to lead the rest of them down into some kind of disaster from which they would not survive. And they were going to do it willingly, like a bunch of sheep. Figures.
Tuning out this twisted version of a mass, Stan looked around, taking in the figures of everybody in the church. Many he recognized but he couldn't help but wonder where everybody else had come from. It was a small town he lived in so he pretty much knew who everybody was so those he didn't recognize he knew they had to be from out of town. Regardless, everyone was all so rapt in listening that he was free to continue looking around.
His gaze soon looked behind the pew he and his family were sitting in and he had to do a double take at what he saw. No, no way. That couldn't be possible. Yet, there he was…
"Jesus?!" he hissed once he got over his shock.
Indeed, sitting in the pew right behind him was none other than their alleged Lord and Savior himself, Jesus fucking Christ. Yeah, Stan added the fucking part but still. The Messiah blinked his eyes, pulling himself out of Maxi's sermon and returned the ten year old's look.
"What are you doing here?" Stan whispered as softly as he could. The last thing he wanted to do was attract any attention. Most likely it would be bad attention and his father would lead the charge himself.
"There is a good reason for this," Jesus answered, trying to excuse himself. "You see, myself and the rest of the Super Best Friends had our asses handed to us by Zod and well, if you can't beat them you join them."
"Zod beat the Super Best Friends?" Stan repeated, eyes widening somewhat in horror.
"I'm afraid so," Jesus nodded. "He's much too powerful for us. We're…we're all going to have to kneel before him else we suffer from aneurysms. Despite my ability to resurrect after three days, having my brains splatter everywhere is not my idea of a good time. It is best to run with the crowd this time. That's the best thing anyone can do."
Stan stared in horror at Jesus before turned back in his seat. There was no hope, was there? There really was no hope. If a group like the Super Best Friends couldn't stand up to Zod, then no one could.
Wasn't there anyone who could put a stop to all this?
"Breaking news. I am here, live, at a Senate hearing called for by none other than Senator Ted Cruz. Senator Cruz has some questions that he wants to ask of presidential candidate General Zod and like he always does, he has thrown a hissy fit until he got his way. General Zod has reportedly agreed to attend the hearing and for some reason has been reported to say that he does not guarantee that he will answer any questions posed to him. Hold on, I'm getting word from our man on the inside that the hearing is starting. We now go live to see the proceedings."
Standing before a table full of Earthian senators, Zod stood in what was becoming his trademark pose. Hands were behind his back and his legs were parted so there was space between his feet. He stared down at the pitiful Earthians with his usual look, not impressed by all the pomp and status that the insignificant creatures deemed to don themselves with.
At the focus of this farce was an Earthian male who did not have any white or graying hair and gave off a more youthful appearance. The Earthian had this sense of self-importance about him but Zod was not in the least intimidated. He had faced worse before. A Kryptonian councilman could inspire more intimidation than this inferior creature, this creature that was called Ted Cruz, whatever that was.
"Zod was told that he had to be here to answer some questions that you Earthians wish to be answered," Zod stated. "Zod is showing incredible patience by agreeing to this foolishness so speak your questions. Zod does not guarantee he will answer any of them."
The Ted Cruz creature shifted in his seat as he sat up and straightened his posture. "Yes, well, it seems to me that we should begin with our foundational document, with the Constitution. And the Constitution says that we will hold presidential elections every four years, which have been during leap years. The question I would pose to the presidential candidate is that would it be consistent for Congress to allow your bid for the presidency to be tolerated while there is already a presidential term in process?" the Ted Cruz creature finally got around to asking after mouthing off about some sort of health document. Really, he had trouble understanding these inferior creatures sometimes.
"Zod cares not for this document of health that you seem to hold in high regard," Zod stated. "All Zod cares about is obtaining the office of power for which he rightfully deserves and is most suited for. If you do not like it, you may direct your opinions elsewhere where they do not offend the air that Zod breathes."
There, that should adequately answer that question.
"Candidate Zod, I would ask yet another question. No one doubts your sincerity or your passion and at the same time I would note that the candidate chose not to answer the question that I asked, which is would it be consistent with the Constitution for Congress to allow someone to run for high office in the middle of currently-being-served term that is not yet close to ending?" the Ted Cruz creature asked, asking the same long-winded question but differently. That was a lot of words the Ted Cruz creature used to ask his simple question. And a waste of time in Zod's opinion which was the only opinion that counted.
"Zod believes he has already answered the question that you asked, Earthian," Zod said. "Zod does not care for this Constitution nor about what it says about term limits. Once elected, Zod shall not leave the office until he deems it time for him to step down and not a second before."
"Is it the candidate's view that Congress should look the other way and allow this campaign to continue even though it violates the Constitution?" the Ted Cruz creature kept pressing on.
"Congress may do whatever it wishes until Zod takes office in which there are going to be some changes, the least of which include you not annoying Zod with your pointless questions." Now Zod was feeling the irritation. This Ted Cruz creature was like a Zortark gnat; a creature with a buzz so grating it could drive a Kryptonian male insane! Not that Zod had any experience. "Now if you have any other questions, ask them now before Zod takes his leave or forever hold your peace."
"Can we get a look at your birth certificate?" the Ted Cruz creature asked after a few Earthian seconds.
Zod fired his lasers, striking the Ted Cruz's head and causing the body part to start swelling. The Ted Cruz creature made some interesting, high-pitched noises before his head exploded, sending pieces of brain, skull, and tissue onto the senators nearest to him.
"Does anyone else wish to inquire about Zod's birth certificate? If so, know you place yourself at risk for another Zod-induced aneurysm," Zod announced.
In the back, an Earthian senator raised his hand. An Earthian second later, there was another aneurysm.
"Anyone else?" Zod asked mildly.
"Nope."
"No."
"Who cares about a stupid birth certificate?"
Now that was more like it.
"If there are any more questions, ask them now. Zod has better places to be," Zod ordered.
There was some uncomfortable shifting among the Earthian senators but eventually one asked, "What's your stance on gun control?"
In a certain backroom in a certain capital building, various political figures gathered once again to discuss important matters at hand.
"Good riddance to bad rubbish," Dianne Feinstein grumbled. "It's about time someone shut that arrogant prick up once and for all."
…maybe not important matters but still, they were all gathered here.
"Not now Dianne," Harry Reid reprimanded. "Many of us here, all of us Democrats, may not have liked Cruz but it is still a blow to us nonetheless. This Zod is growing stronger by the day, no, the minute. We need to put a stop to him before it's too late."
"That's easy for you to say, you don't have to worry about a vacancy," Eric Cantor spat.
"Actually I'm the one who should be saying that since I'm the senator and you're a member of the House," Mitch McConnell corrected. "Fortunately, Cruz was from Texas so filling his spot with another Republican will be easy-peasy."
"I think we have more important matters than figuring out who is going to replace Cruz," Obama said. "We should have known this was going to happen anyway. I mean, who goes out there like that and directly challenges that upstart? There was no finesse, no subtlety, and more importantly no style. Indeed, Zod has become powerful enough that a congressional hearing can't stop him. We need to think of something better and do it fast or else he's going to take our jobs."
"Take our jobs!"
"Derk e derr!
"Dee do deeer!"
"Don't you Democrats have any ideas?" John McCain asked. "You're the ones who stand to lose the most right now."
"Who do you think we are? We aren't Republicans with a health care alternative," Nancy Pelosi snarked. "Wait, what was that? That's right, you Republicans never offered a health care alternative. You never had one."
"That's neither here nor there," Obama tried to intervene.
"I disagree, it is here and there," Mitch McConnell disagreed.
"What was that?" John McCain frowned, staring at his fellow senator.
"I have no idea, I was just disagreeing," Mitch McConnell shrugged.
"You fucktard, this isn't the time to be disagreeing!" John McCain reprimanded. "Don't you remember the song? United we stand, divided we fall? We can't be disagreeing just because it's part of our political DNA. If we keep pulling this shit, Zod's going to take our jobs!"
"He'll take our jobs!"
"Take our jobs!"
"Derk e derr!"
"Do de doo!"
"Well, we can be united. The Democrats just have to say that the Republican way is the right way and theirs will always be wrong," Eric Cantor said.
"How dare you!" Dianne Feinstein exploded.
"Knock it off, this is serious," Obama demanded. "We're the brightest in Washington. If we put our minds to it and work together, there's nothing we can't do. We just have to compromise—"
All Republicans began hissing, pulling out crosses and holding them in front of them as if trying to ward away evil.
"What's that all about?" Obama asked, raising an eyebrow.
"You said the word that should not be said," Mitch McConnell stated. "It is a word of sin that must never be spoken."
All the Democrats looked at one another. "You mean compromise—?"
More hissing, this time teeth bared.
"But isn't that what our nation is founded on?" Obama asked.
This time the Republicans shared looks with one another. "We have no idea what you're talking about," Eric Cantor said blankly. "Our nation was not founded on anything that had to do with the word that shall not be spoken."
"But what about the Bill of Rights?" Harry Reid asked.
"What are you talking about? That was always a part of the Constitution," Mitch McConnell scoffed. "It certainly isn't…that word that shall not be spoken."
"But what about the Connecticut Compromise—"
Again with the hissing and waving of crosses.
"Look, this is getting us nowhere," Harry Reid snapped. "Why don't we do what we always do when there's a political upstart that wants to do things in a way we don't like?"
"How about we don't?" Eric Cantor retorted.
"It involves guns," Harry Reid stated blandly.
"I know I'm listening," John Cornyn said.
Obama shared a look with John McCain. McCain merely nodded.
"I suppose there isn't any other choice," Obama sighed. "We're going to have to JFK this bastard. Cornyn, we're going to need to use Dallas again. You know the place. Can you get us hooked up?"
John Cornyn blinked but nodded in understanding.
"Are we sure about this?" Nancy Pelosi asked. "What if it fails?"
"Then we'll RFK him," Harry Reid said. "And if anybody here wants to filibuster, then we're going to use the nuclear option. No more mister nice guys."
"Agreed," Obama nodded. "We need to take this seriously because it's our livelihoods that are at stake. Zod must be stopped or else it will be end of our American way of life." Holding up a hand, said hand balled into a fist, he yelled, "Kaplar!"
He was replied with by a resounding, "KAPLAR!"
Back home from church, Cartman led out a wide yawn as he trekked his way into the living room. He came to a stop where Butters still was, the brain measuring equipment still on him and the blond boy doing his best to give himself an aneurysm.
Seeing as how Butters still had his head, he hadn't had an aneurysm yet.
"Well?" Cartman thought he should ask.
"Not yet Eric, but I'm trying," Butters answered as he took in a deep breath of air, holding it as he closed his eyes and concentrated real hard. His face was red with exertion, his body trembling with tension, and yet his head would not explode.
"Butters," Cartman said after a moment. He waited for the other boy to give him his full, undivided attention before he continued speaking. "Do I look chafe to you?"
"What?" Butters blinked.
"Am I chafing? Because you've been jerking me like I'm your dick, you asshole!" Cartman thundered. "The least you could do is use some lube. That way it'll be more pleasurable. Let me see your hands; is there hair on your palms? Is your vision blurry? I only say this because you've doing a lot of jerking lately!"
"Gosh darn it, Eric! If you think having an aneurysm is easy, why don't you have one?" Butters snapped back.
"Because, Butters, I need to be alive to report the findings to the world," Cartman explained, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Besides, this is my idea and I should be the one who gets all the credit. I should be alive to make sure everyone knows the truth."
"But what about me?" Butters protested.
"What about you? All you've been doing is jerking yourself and screwing me over," Cartman retorted. "I saw a nice barrel on my way back here. Maybe I should go bring it here so that I can lean against it while you continue to screw me."
"I'm not screwing you Eric. I'm doing my best to do what you want me to do but it's harder than you think, gosh darn it!" Butters complained.
"Well you're not trying hard enough!" Cartman said. A knock at the door caused him to pause, stopping him from saying anything if only for a few seconds. "Mom! Someone's at the door!"
"Coming, poopsiekins," his lazy-ass mother said as she passed by the scene of him and Butters arguing without batting an eyelash. Christ, he was surrounded by lazy people. Did he have to be the one to do everything around here?
Okay, now where was he? Oh right, bitching Butters out. Now where had he been before his mother forced him to lose his train of thought?
"Cartman, this is getting out of hand," Stan said as he came up from behind, Jew boy following after him while his mother passed by all of them to return to her place in the kitchen. Wait, it had been Stan and Kyle knocking on the door? He hated those guys! There was a pause before Stan asked, "What are you doing?"
"What does it look like I'm doing?" Cartman snapped at the two gaywads. "I'm trying to uncover the mysteries of aneurysms and become super mega rich in the process. It's my idea so you guys can go away and do your usual hippie shit. I'm busy."
"Are those Tinker toys and Christmas lights?" Kyle asked after getting a good look at the contraption that Butters was wearing.
Several heartbeats passed as Cartman stood there, not answering. Then, "No."
"Whatever, we got to do something about Zod, guys," Stan said. "Things are getting way out of hand. My dad is being more retarded than usual, the church worships Zod instead of God which has to be really wrong somehow, and the Super Best Friends are not going to be any help whatsoever this time around. We need to do something before everything gets worse."
"I am doing something, Stan. I'm trying to find a way to save people's lives before they die of aneurysms," Cartman explained uncharacteristically patiently. "Someone has to figure out a way to keep people's heads from exploding and get super rich from it."
"Actually, an aneurysm is when a blood vessel swells due to weakness or damage, causing blood pressure to build up until it ruptures which leads to severe hemorrhaging and sometimes sudden death," Kyle said. "They can occur in the aorta artery or in the brain, symptoms of which include sudden headaches, nausea, vomiting, seizures, a stiff neck, light sensitivity, back and/or abdominal pain, and breathing and swallowing problems to name a few which depend entirely on where the aneurysm is. Aneurysms can be caused by natural weaknesses in the blood vessels, high cholesterol, arteriosclerosis, drug usage, or vasculitis."
"Well look at encyclopedia boy, no one cares," Cartman snarked.
"I looked that all up on the internet where that kind of information is literally at your fingertips. Anybody can use it at any time and there's no reason why you don't when you ought to," Kyle replied. "This isn't the days when you have to go to a library and physically look it all up; everything's digital so really, the excuse of 'I didn't know' is no longer an excuse anymore."
All the boys stared at Kyle for a second. "Where'd that all come from?" Stan asked.
"Eh, it's something that's been building up for a while," Kyle shrugged.
"Well, back to what's important, what are we going to do that's going to put an end to all this craziness before it gets worse?" Stan said more than asked. "I mean, let's face it guys, it's always up to us to do something when things like this happen. It's like some kind of law or something."
"But what could we possibly do? We're only kids," Kyle asked. "We couldn't do anything when we first saw Zod. And now he's on the national stage, running for president."
"That's your fault for telling him he needed to get elected, Kyle," Cartman stated. "You should have let him overthrow the fascist government we have; it would have been more fun."
"It doesn't matter whose fault it is," Stan intervened before an inevitable argument would have happened. Stop ruining his fun, hippie asshole. "All that matters is that we get our parents to stop acting like a bunch of retards and to do that we need to stop Zod. Does anybody know where he is or where he's going to be so we can try and do something?"
"He's on the road all the time," Kyle answered. "It's hard to know where he's going to be all the time. Besides, even if we did know where he was going to be, how are we going to get there?"
"Eric, I have such wonderful news!" his mother came back in and she was all smiles and rainbows. "I just got a call from your little friend's dad and we're heading over to Dallas to meet that wonderful man who's running for president. Apparently, he's going to be participating in a big debate that's going to be televised! Everyone from church is pitching in and I believe this is going to be a great opportunity for you to learn about our country's election process."
The boys shared looks with one another. "Well that was convenient," Cartman said.
"I bet my dad's behind this somehow," Stan sighed, shoulders slumping.
"Um, guys? Can I take this stuff off now?" Butters asked.
Author's Note: It's only a coincidence that the 50th anniversary of the John F. Kennedy assassination is taking place. This was just an idea I thought up of at the last minute and what do you know, it's the time of the year again. So if the mentions to JFK and his little brother RFK offend anybody, this is South Park. They've parodied the JFK assassination before. First season, second episode I believe. It's the episode where Cartman goes "beefcake" and Garrison tries to assassinate Kathie Lee Gifford, if anyone remembers who that is.