Sorry that took so long to update. I'll try to be a bit faster again. Been super overwhelmed lately, I need a break :/ just not from writing. Also, kayweston is amazing because she helped me work out this chapter.
x-x-x
"If you'd like, Emily can wait outside-"
"No."
Alison grabs tighter onto Emily's wrist with a death grip, her knuckles turning white from how hard she's squeezing and she's pretty sure she's cutting off blood circulation in Emily's hand.
She looks at the police officer in front of her with challenging eyes, daring him to take her away from her girlfriend.
"Alright," he says looking at his partner for confirmation. "We need an exact count of what happened to process this case. Spencer Hastings claimed she murdered Darren Wilden under self defense, and we need the initial victim's testimony."
Emily gives a worried glance to the blonde, knowing this may be a little too soon for her to talk about it. Alison looks down conveniently at the ground as she avoids eye contact with anyone in the room.
"He deserved to die," Alison mutters bitterly, her emotions slowly slipping away.
"According to official reports, when the police arrived, you were cuffed to a pole in the at the back of the room. How did you end up there?"
"He asked me to come with him at the mall," she says blankly. "He threatened to hurt my girlfriend."
Emily had figured this much.
"So he pressured you into following him?"
"He said he just wanted to talk," Alison continues dryly. Her eyes narrow and her mouth parts to speak again but stops as her throat constricts, the room suddenly feeling smaller and smaller. She doesn't want to revisit this- she's been revisiting it every time her mind goes to sleep.
"Ali," Emily whispers in her ear almost inaudibly. "Breathe."
Alison feels her girlfriend's hand lower gently onto her thigh to rub it slowly. So she swallows thickly.
"He told me he'd make me wish I was dead. I tried to run, he slammed my head down on his car," Alison speaks slowly, every word deliberate.
As the blonde continues to recount the story, Emily feels her insides twisting with every sick detail. She watches as Alison puts herself in such a lifeless state in order to revisit the memory without feeling trapped. Emily can see it in the way her eyes have dulled and the way her voice is flat.
When Alison gets to the part about the knife, she watches as her girlfriend's suddenly dead eyes flicker to the ceiling, and she bluntly describe the way Wilden cut her open. It pains her the most when Alison describes the way he shoved the gun in her mouth.
It's obvious even the officers are extremely uncomfortable. Emily notes that the blonde's grip has weakened incredibly, and it's as if the life has left her body, like her mind has gone to a dark place she can't afford to visit.
"He held my nose until I couldn't breathe, and then I opened my mouth and he shoved the gun inside and he pulled the trigger. He started laughing, because it wasn't loaded," she says stoically.
Emily doesn't know how to process what she's just heard. Every little detail makes her sick to her stomach.
When she's finished, the officers dismiss them kindly with troubled looks and exit, allowing the girls to leave at their own pace. It's silent as Emily stands up and grabs her coat, Alison's eyes watching her intently.
"Now you know."
The brunette whips around to see Alison's baby blue eyes finally regaining emotion, as if she's returning to her body with life once more.
Emily nods slowly, shrugging her coat on and walking over and kneeling in front of Ali.
"I'm sorry you had to tell me like that," Emily tells her quietly as she holds her tiny hands.
"I thought I was going to die," Alison croaks out hoarsely. "He pulled the trigger and I thought I was dead."
"I can't even imagine what you went through, Ali. But I'm here for you now, I swear," Emily earnestly whispers. She watches the blonde painfully nod and she leans up to hug her. It's almost frightening how tightly Alison clings to her, like if she lets go Emily will vanish.
"Are you ready to go?" Emily asks softly and receives a whimper in return. She tries to pull back and look at Alison but lets out a strangled noise as Alison hugs her tighter fiercely, refusing to let go.
x-x-x
Later, Emily climbs the stairs to the top of her apartment building and goes out on to the roof in the chilly evening. It's deserted except for her girlfriend perched on the edge, her back against the wall and head turned out towards the city with her legs outstretched.
It's beautiful, the sunset and the skyline, but Emily has a feeling Alison isn't admiring the view.
"I brought you a jacket," the brunette announces softly and Alison turns to look at her, her pale cheeks rosy from the cold. There's a faint trace of vibrant life back in her eyes, and Emily will take it because it means progress towards healing.
"You didn't have to," the blonde replies slightly apologetic and Emily just gives her a look as she sees the goose bumps on Ali's arms.
"I had to be alone for a bit," Ali continues, looking away after she takes the jacket.
"I know, I realized I did too," Emily admits, hopping up on the opposite end of the ledge.
"Were the girls offended?"
"Not at all."
They had been sitting around watching Netflix, trying to be normal after the police station, and Alison had jumped up and mumbled something about 'rooftop' and 'don't follow right now' to Emily before she grabbed her house keys and left.
The brunette had sat there for a few moments, and the other three awkwardly looked at her before she excused herself to her bedroom until Alison had texted her to come up.
There's an awkward silence between them and they lock eyes.
"We should talk about it." "We need to talk at some point."
Both girls speak at the same time, forcing smiles nervously but neither starting the conversation.
Alison shakes her head after more silence and sighs. "I'm not ready to yet. I didn't tell you everything I felt."
Emily nods, understanding, because she doesn't know how to express what she's feeling either.
"I'm angry at Cece."
Emily whips her head to look at the blonde who is fidgeting with her hands. That wasn't what she was expecting to hear.
"I don't know why," Alison mumbles as she looks down. "If she hadn't stopped him, you wouldn't be sitting here- she would."
"I know," Emily murmurs as she feels guilt twisting her insides, survivor's guilt. In that moment, it was either her or Cece going down.
"But I'm angry- angry that she dragged me shopping. Angry that she decided to go with you. Angry that she helped you find me."
Emily wants to interject, but she knows not to when Alison is like this.
"I'm pissed that you all found me."
She doesn't continue, so Emily dares to speak.
"If we hadn't, we would never have been able to live with ourselves-"
"Can you live with yourself? I feel like I can't," Alison says but she isn't accusatory, just honestly pained.
"I'm trying to, for you," Emily admits, as she looks straight at her.
"You do too much for me," Alison mumbles. "I don't deserve any of it."
Emily is too tired to think, so she hops off the ledge shaking her head and tries to clear her head to come up with a solid argument.
"Where are you going?" she sees Alison's startled face crumbling, as if she'll start crying any moment. The blonde scrambles to her feet, and Emily goes over to help her before she accidentally panics and falls off.
"I was just standing up to stretch," she tells Ali, gently extending her hand. She hesitates before she speaks again. "You deserve more than what I could ever give you."
"That's not true," the blonde shakes her head and hops off the ledge and squeals as Emily catches her in her arms. She wraps her legs around the brunette instantly, never tiring of being close to her body. "I'm so lucky to have you."
x-x-x
"Go into the bedroom, I'll be there in a second," Emily gently coaxes Alison who stares at her with vulnerable blue eyes, hesitating to leave the brunette's side. "It'll just be a minute. I promise."
The blonde takes a deep breath and nods, slowly turning to retreat into their room, but she doesn't shut the door.
Emily decided on the way back down form the roof that her and Alison needed to spend the night alone- they were both clearly still shaken, but they were undoubtedly safe for now. She turns to her friends who are paying very close attention to her.
"Do you guys mind if, you know, we could be alone tonight?"
A chorus of 'no's' and 'of course nots' resound quietly from her friends and she smiles at them graciously.
She hugs all of them and walks them to the door. Spencer lingers and doesn't leave, looking at Emily carefully.
"Em, I just want to make sure you don't blame yourself," she says quietly. "Guilt is a tricky thing. None of this was any of our faults, not mine, yours, Cece's, or Ali's. It was Wilden's. You just have to remember that."
The brunette locks her jaw and nods at her wise friend, choosing to just listen. When she shuts the door, she sighs and leans her head against it. Without them around, it's a little easier to breathe, but the guilt and heavy thoughts settle in much faster.
She turns around and lets out a small startled gasp as she sees her girlfriend standing inches behind her, fidgeting with her hands nervously.
"Ali you scared me," Emily says as she catches her breath and leans against the door.
"Sorry," she mumbles sheepishly. "I couldn't hear you out here for a second and it was more than a minute so I-"
"It's okay," Emily cuts her off knowing the blonde is still just terribly nervous. "It's not a big deal."
"Did they leave?"
"I told them to for tonight," Emily explains. "I just wanted to be alone with you."
Alison nods and it's not long before the two go to bed, exhausted. Alison falls asleep first, curled up in a ball on her side of the bed, while Emily sits up reading a book, unable to sleep for a while. When she feels herself dozing off, she turns the light off.
x-x-x
Somewhere between midnight and early dawn, Emily wakes up to a sharp kick, jolting her awake, and a bloodcurling scream. She's immediately alarmed- like an animal protecting her loved ones she's ready to attack.
But she realizes quickly it's Alison who screamed and is whimpering next to her, probably having a nightmare. She props herself up on her elbow and leans over to hug her, trying to wake her up ever so gently.
"Ali, wake up. It's just a dream," Emily tells her in a hushed voice as she shakes her gently until her eyes shoot open, her breathing rugged and rapid.
Ali makes a little noise of discomfort, moves abruptly and almost falls from the bed but Emily grabs her, holding onto her and keeping her safe.
"Shh, it's okay," Emily whispers and caresses the blonde's cheek, trying to soothe her into normal breathing. They stay like this for a minute or two.
"Please turn on the light," the blonde eventually begs in a small, tiny voice, her hands clutching onto Emily's shirt.
Emily obeys, and she can feel Alison's body shaking still as she leans backwards to turn the lamp on. When she turns back, she sees unspoken terror flickering in these blue orbs.
"Ali –"
"No, please Em, come here." Her voice is strained and almost desperate.
And Emily understands it's not the time for talking. She comes as close as possible, and she feels Alison's uneven breathing as she kisses her cheek, holding her girl's face tenderly.
Alison turns her head so that their lips connect, and they kiss, surprising the brunette. At first she doesn't respond, but Alison kisses her harder, as if she needs this. And Emily is never one to deny the blonde what she needs.
It's slow and painful and desperate, but at the same time so different to any kiss they have shared before, and as their tongues touch they both whimper at the sensation. It's Ali who breaks the kiss, but only to take her clothes off, and Emily watches as the blonde sits up and pulls her shirt off, leaving her torso bare.
Something still feels so wrong about this. Emily feels as if she's taking advantage of Alison's vulnerability and emotional volatility as warmth pools at her core while she watches Alison squirm out of her shorts.
"I…" Emily's voice is lost as Alison falls back, her blonde hair splaying out on the pillow behind her and she looks like a fallen angel, lying there, bare. It blows Emily's mind that even after everything, Alison is still all only hers. As her eyes roam up and down the bruised, injured girl, she feels her stomach clench and protective instincts come over her.
"I can't," Emily whispers hoarsely and she watches Alison's eyebrows furrow.
"Emily," she says firmly in a quiet voice. There's a sudden warmth to it that Emily has craved, she's missed the friendly tone. Her ears perk up and she lies on her side, listening. "You're still my sweet Emmy. I'm so happy you're alive. Do you understand that?"
Emily can't speak, can't find the words to tell Alison how inadequate she feels, how scarred this whole thing has left her- she feels wrong to even be upset, when Alison has gone through hell and back.
She yelps quietly as Alison tugs her down on top of her and holds her face with one hand, forcing Emily to look at her. "You have to understand that. You are my safety, and I need you here. I need this. Please."
Emily still looks at her with questioning eyes and Alison pulls her head down so their lips can meet again, softly moving against each other with building need. "You are the only person that makes me feel protected."
That's all it takes for Emily to take over, shifting her weight properly on top of Alison and bringing her hand up to hold her face while kissing her back, with all the love she can pour.
"Are you going to take your clothes off?" Alison breathes as they break for air, and Emily nods furiously and makes a move to but the blonde stops her. "Never mind. I trust you."
Those words mean everything to Emily- Alison trusts her to be fully vulnerable, completely naked in front of her after everything that's happened.
And so Ali grips onto her tighter, her nails digging into Emily's back as she kisses her harder, rocking her hips against Emily's bare thigh.
She feels the blonde grab her hand and run it down her frail body. Ali's hand leads hers, and she realizes that the destination is the wound on Ali's thigh. And they look at each other, immersing in each other's gaze. It's not lust and domination, it's comfort and tenderness that they share. Emily's breath hitches as her fingers run over the deep gash, and she hears Alison release little gasps.
"If it hurts-"
"It doesn't," Alison cuts her off. "Not when it's you."
Emily's hand stills, and the blonde becomes frustrated quickly. "Please, please just make me forget right now."
"Okay," she gives in and drags her lips down the blonde's neck, to her chest. She's very careful, very gentle and delicate. Her lips reverently kiss their way down to her breast and when they enclose around Ali's nipple, she hears the blonde gasp and release a strangled moan. Ali feels her warm tongue flick back and forth and she arches her back up into Emily, tangling her hands in the long brown hair.
"Like that," she manages to comment as she mewls and feels Emily bring her hand up to her center, brushing her finger tips through her folds and Alison drops her head back with a whimper.
Emily continues to touch her gently, Alison not minding in the least, simply happy her girl is treating her so respectfully, so lovingly. It'll be a while before Alison can handle the rough sex she used to crave- but for now, this is better than anything she's ever felt.
The brunette's actions pick up speed and urgency, and soon Alison's sex is dripping, with Emily's fingers pumping in and out and her mouth swallowing Alison's moans as she kisses her. When she comes, she's quiet for the first time, and lies breathing heavily afterwards.
"Alison?" Emily's voice is still heavy with emotion as she calls through the quiet.
"Yes darling?" Alison whispers in return, her voice airy and her high putting her in a temporary state of bliss.
"I just…it…is this right?"
"I'm not going to abstain from sex until everything blows over, I couldn't not be with you that long," she says gently. "Besides who knows how long that could be?"
Emily opens her mouth but Alison cuts her off again. "It will happen, we will move past this- but I'm not waiting til then to be with you. And besides, I really needed that."
A look of panic crosses her face for a moment. "Did you not enjoy that?"
"I did, I did," Emily reassures her quickly. "God this is so awkward I'm sorry."
"You're just looking out for me Em, it's okay," Alison says appreciatively. "I love you."
"I love you too, so much," Emily replies honestly. She leans down and presses feather light kisses to Alison's side where the bruise is. She feels the blonde wince but stroke her skin gently, encouraging her.
"I love that feeling, your lips on my skin," Alison breathes out as she closes her eyes. When Emily goes down to her thigh and kisses around the gash, Alison feels herself melt under her fluttering kisses.
"Do you want me to touch you too?" Alison asks sincerely as she pulls Emily up to her so they're eye level.
"You don't have to-" Emily releases a quiet moan as she feels Alison's hands slip up her shirt, and over her breasts.
"Stop this," Alison slightly orders. "You're my girlfriend. I always want to touch you."
"I think I'm a little emotionally drained tonight," Emily admits sheepishly though her eyes flutter as Alison gently plays with her breasts.
"I owe you then," Alison kisses her again, slowly and lazily. "I owe you everything Emily."
Her fingers inch their way up and pull Emily's shirt off, as the brunette shudders from the rush of cold air.
"Most beautiful, noble, loving girl in the whole world," Alison marvels, her eyes drinking in Emily's naked form, save her panties.
Emily feels a pang of guilt at the word noble, because if anyone deserves that title right now it's Cece.
"Stay with me," Alison says gently, watching Emily. "You don't have to be strong all the time for both of us, Em. But don't let your mind wander to bad places, shutting me out. I know you, I can see you do it."
"I'm going to be a mess most days honestly," Alison admits slowly, forcing herself to keep eye contact with Emily. "But you need to know the truth. Cece died because she believed in you, believed in us. I keep telling myself she wouldn't have done it if she didn't. She'd want us to believe in us too."
"I do."
"Good," Alison smiles softly. "Then we'll be okay."
The blonde pushes Emily on her back and curls up in her usual position on Emily's side, burying her face in her girlfriend's shoulder, inhaling deeply, finally relaxing. There's no where else she'd rather be.
x-x
A/N: Thanks again for reading and all your kind reviews. Quick question, if you'd like to review and leave me the answer, how many of you guys use tumblr? I'm thinking of making a tumblr for my writing in general, but I'm not sure how many people actually use it.
Also don't kill me but I started yet another story. I've been losing inspiration. But I'm also halfway through the next chapter of Feel Good Drag, and Uneasy Hearts Weigh the Most. So if anyone has any advice or wants to talk about stories, please let me know haha I need steam right now I'm losing energy.
Anyway, feel free to review as always, it makes my day reading your thoughts xx