"Holy shit," Emily mumbles as she wakes with a start to yet another shriek. She's not counting, but she would guess it'd be the sixth time this week that she's woken up to Alison screaming out in fear at night. And it is only Tuesday.
They had taken Cece's ashes over the weekend and spread them over the ocean in Jersey, and the girls had attempted to go back to their lives this week. Not that Cece's memorial was to be overlooked, because it most definitely wasn't, but Emily was having a hard time focusing on anything. She could feel herself slipping slowly into a very dangerous state of mind. The brunette has a tendency to bottle things up and let them build until she explodes- and she has a bad feeling that if that occurs this time, she's not going to be able to recover so quickly.
But she wants to be strong for the blonde lying next to her who looks so paralyzed, even in her sleep.
"Please…no, please," she hears Alison whimper in her sleep and she can literally feel her heart twisting as the girl's face scrunches in pure fear. Her night terrors have only gotten worse, and Emily is quickly realizing neither of them are going to be getting much sleep any time soon.
"Ali," she whispers with a heavy sigh and shakes her girlfriend, albeit a little too harshly. "Ali wake up."
The blonde's eyes shoot open and unshed tears are swirling in her blue eyes that always cause Emily's body to go weak in one way or another.
"Em…oh," she realizes as she leans up on her arm, rubs her face, and hangs her head downwards sadly. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry-"
"It's fine," Emily brushes it off as she sinks back down into the bed.
But it's not fine. Nothing is fine. She doesn't know how to pretend that some mad man didn't just come sweeping into their lives and ruin everything. She doesn't know how to pretend that someone didn't die for her. FOR her. Nothing in life could have prepared her for this.
While trapped in her thoughts, she vaguely hears faint crying and it takes her a moment to realize Alison is curled up in a little ball, head buried in her arm, crying.
"Babe why are you crying?" Emily asks, suddenly in protective mode. Both their emotions and moods are all over the place lately.
"I can feel it, you're getting tired of me," Alison blurts out through little sniffles and cries, her body folding inwards tightly. "I'm a fucking trainwreck and you feel stuck with me."
"No," Emily says in horror as she sits up quickly. "That's not it at all Ali."
"Don't lie to me," Alison spits out bitterly as she rubs at her red eyes, tired of crying- she's just so fucking tired.
"Listen to me," Emily says firmly as she grabs Alison's arm and moves it so she can't hide behind it. "I love you. I'm not leaving. I just don't know…don't know how to act."
"It's all my fault," Ali starts to cry again, and Emily knows she's hysterical, she always is after these dreams- no, nightmares. And she sighs as she leans over and pulls Alison down on top of her, fiercely holding her against her chest until the blonde cries herself back to sleep. This is no way to live, Emily knows, because she's not going to be able to function tomorrow- and the lack of sleep will put her on edge, and if she continually gets no sleep she's going to explode on Alison- and that could ruin everything.
What Alison (and she) need to do is get professional help, but Emily thinks she'll save that for another morning.
x-x-x
On Thursday morning, Alison sits cross legged on the bed at eight am, watching Emily brush her teeth in the bathroom.
"Why are you up?" Emily asks after she spits and starts to rinse.
"I couldn't sleep," Ali releases a deep sigh and drops her head, playing with the sheets.
"You should try to rest, you haven't slept much lately," Emily tries but Alison cuts her off with a pointed look.
"Neither have you."
The brunette sighs, knowing the blonde's stubborn edge.
"Can I…" Alison's voice trails off at the end. Emily quirks her eyebrow at her as she continues to get dressed. "Can I come to class with you?"
When Emily opens her mouth but doesn't answer right away, Alison quickly clarifies.
"Not like, in to the class, can I just wait outside on campus or something? I don't like being alone in here," she mumbles, a red tint coming to her cheeks as she feels embarrassed showing her weak side.
"Yeah, yeah of course," Emily nods. "But aren't you going to be bored?"
"I went and got a few books yesterday," Alison says sheepishly.
"I have class in thirty, can you be ready in five?"
"Presentable, or ready?" Alison asks with a faint smile and she watches as Emily's lips curve upwards into a small smile.
"You're always beautiful," the brunette reminds her and Alison just smiles softly as she gets up and starts to get ready.
x-x-x
Alison sits on the chair in the lobby of the school, curled up with a warm sweater and a book in her hand. She's re-reading Great Expectations, and she must say she loves it as much as she did in high school.
"What are you doing here?"
The blonde hears a tense voice attempting to be friendly and she looks up to see none other than Paige. Her heart starts to pound wildly, and her veins freeze. Even though she stood up to her and almost beat her, Alison is certainly in no state of offense right now. And Paige is the enemy- Paige outed her to Emily's parents right in front of her. Paige had no problem abusing Emily, someone she 'loved'. Alison isn't sure how to even approach her.
"I'm waiting," she manages to get out without tripping over her words.
"For Emily?"
Alison just nods, closing her book and staring Paige down with steely eyes.
"I was going to too, but I can leave," Paige admits with a humbled glance.
Without another word, she turns and leaves, and Alison can't help but wonder what Paige wanted to see Emily for. She had been so respectful it confused Alison.
Before Alison realizes, Emily's class is over. She watches as students seem to emerge from classes all around, and she watches as she sees Emily walk down the corridor with- who the hell is that?
She sees Emily walking side be side with a tall pretty blonde girl, who is gazing at Emily a little too long for her liking. Her stomach twists as she watches the blonde girl put a hand on Emily's arm as she laughs, the two of them clearly friendly. Before they make it to Alison, the blonde girl hugs Emily and Alison almost growls out loud when she watches the girl linger a little too long as she holds her beautiful brunette. Alison knows that look, knows the body language she sees- the girl clearly wants Emily. They part, and Emily continues to walk over to Alison.
Emily sees her girlfriend waiting for her patiently, and she momentarily forgets all their problems as she looks at the gorgeous girl curled up on the chair.
"Who was that?"
Alison's less-than-pleased voice brings her out of her thoughts.
"Who?" Alison just raises an eyebrow and Emily realizes.
"Oh, Samara? She's just an old friend, we knew each other freshman year, and she's in my class this semester."
"Just an old friend?"
"Yes," Emily says with narrow eyes, suddenly confused. "We're just friends. Why?"
"Emily that girl clearly wants you," Alison shakes her head. Is her girlfriend really that oblivious to everything?
"Samara is straight," Emily insists and Alison snorts.
"Straight girls don't act like that, trust me," Alison retorts and stands up turning to walk towards the exit, to their car.
"Hey, wait, are you mad at me?!" Emily asks incredulously as she catches up to her brooding girl.
"No," Alison simply says as she slows down, her shoulders heaving.
"Sure doesn't seem like you're not," Emily accuses.
"Well I'm not, so drop it," Alison gets defensive.
"No, you can't just push me out like that," Emily quips.
Alison is about to respond when she sees the blonde behind Emily, walking over.
"I don't think she's finished for today," Alison says dryly and Emily spins around to see Samara walking over.
"Samara," she says surprised.
"Hey, sorry, I just wanted to ask you if you wanted to meet up and study for the test on Monday, maybe sometime this weekend?"
"Sure," Emily says uncomfortably and she can practically feel Alison's eyes glaring daggers.
"And maybe we can do something fun after," Samara says suggestively and suddenly Emily's unsure how she never got these vibes before. "You seem stressed lately."
"I don't think that's such a good idea," Emily shifts awkwardly and Samara frowns.
"Why not?"
"Because, I would be pissed," Alison says stepping forward, anger subtly written across her face.
"Samara this is my girlfriend," Emily speaks up trying to diffuse the situation.
"Oh," Samara replies, completely caught off guard. "I see. Well it was nice to meet you."
She takes off without another word, scurrying like a mouse and Alison frowns deeper than before.
"Why didn't you tell her you had a girlfriend?"
"I don't talk to her much, I never had a reason to," Emily argues. "Was that necessary?"
"Do you not want people to know about me?" Alison asks, growing frustrated.
"I do," Emily is growing more and more frustrated. "Of course I do."
"You didn't seem too thrilled to tell her-"
"That was an awkward situation, Ali!" Emily protests.
Alison can't explain that she feels like a burden, that she feels as if she's weighing Emily down. Seeing Emily laughing with Samara, behaving like how she should be- happy and carefree- scares Alison, because her world is dark and depressing and a vortex that seems to be sucking Emily in.
"Maybe we can't do this," Alison shakes her head, all her thoughts weighing her down and her heart beating out of her chest. She feels tears pricking and goddamn it she can't cry again.
"Can't do what?" A cold sheet of sweat suddenly breaks out on Emily.
"This," Alison says with a huff as she points between them. She's not thinking straight, she knows, but all her thoughts are racing with negativity and she's losing her mind- she knows it's irrational, but she feels like she's going to drive Emily away one way or another.
"No, we can," Emily insists and Alison shakes her head. Emily stares at her in disbelief. "Are you breaking up with me?"
Alison opens her mouth to protest, but nothing comes out.
"Forget it," Emily starts to tremble.
"I am," Alison says in a ghost like voice as she stares off, a haunted look crossing her face.
"You're not," Emily shakes her head refusing to believe it.
"We can't do this anymore Emily!" Alison snaps, irrationally and without any sense. "I'm ending this before either one of us gets hurt."
And with that, the blonde turns and walks away, not really knowing a destination, but she keeps on walking- and Emily just stands there, shocked, unsure of everything. And completely alone.
x-x-x
A/N: I'm so sorry these updates are coming so slowly. I made the tumblr! It's alywriteslove . In case anyone cares :p
I'm trying to reply asap to all the reviews! My life has just been so swamped lately, can't handle it. But I loved all of the reviews, I'm so flattered by everyone who loves reading my stories- I'd love to show you guys stuff I wrote in a very John Green type of way. Anywho, here you go lovelies :3 much love. Hit me up on tumblr or something xx