Part Thirty-Eight: Murder, He Wrote

After that late night kissing session with Ian I vowed to keep away. I'm doing a shitty ass job of it. I walk by his house at least once a fucking day. It's like a compulsion. I have to have Ryan and Iggy keep me occupied to keep me away.

I just want to see him so bad I can't help myself. But my dad is still onto us. So when Mandy moves back in after living with the Gallagher's dad looks right at me. When she mentions plans with Ian, dad looks at me. It's been a month and a half and it hasn't blown over.

Meanwhile, I have Ryan give Ian subtle messages from me. He gives him candy, and the CD's I make for him just so he won't give up on me. Losing Ian Gallagher is not an option. But I still push him away. I keep him at a distance. I go out of my fucking way to avoid him. And it's killing me.

"You," says my dad, coming into my room. Ryan is lying on the couch in my room looking at porn; I'm sitting on my bed cleaning my gun. Dad slams my door. It doesn't fully shut, so it just comes back at him.

"What the fuck do you want?"

"Svetlana is pregnant," He says.

"Who the fuck is Svetlana?"

He looks me in the eyes for the first time in over a month. Oh, her. I look at the floor. She's pregnant. I barely came. Fuck.

"You're going to marry her," says Dad.

"No fucking way! NO FUCKING WAY!" I didn't honestly think my father would attack me in front of Ryan but he does. He throws me into the wall with all his strength. I look at Ryan for a fleeting moment to try to tell him to stand down and not interfere. This isn't his fight.

"You will marry her or I'll hunt that fucking little redhead down and kill him," says Dad.

"You can't do that," I say.

"I know where he lives, Mickey. I know you went over to that house. I know what you did. I know you've had that fucking fat bastard giving him presents behind my back. You will marry Svetlana and be a husband to her, or he's fucking dead."

Dad drops me on my bed, kicks me and then leaves. I lie there trying to catch my breath. Ryan looks horrified and pitiful. It's a long time before either of us speaks, and I am the one to do so.

"It's really over," I say.

"No, it's not. You can have your cake and eat it too," says Ryan.

I am about to speak when Dad comes back in. He grabs me by the collar and pulls me into the hallway. Ryan follows like an obedient little dog. I almost feel sorry for him.

"What's going on?" I ask as Dad continues to hold me by the collar like I'm a lion cub in his mom's mouth.

"I need help getting rid of a body," says Jamie. Mandy comes out of her room and joins the conversation.

"Who'd you kill?" Iggy asks.

"Some fucking queer," says Jamie. I look at Iggy, he looks at me and we both look at Ryan. I feel my dad's grip tighten on my collar. No one asks questions about him manhandling me like this. It's typical for our house. Please don't be Ian. A panic lights up like a fire within me. That would make my father much too happy.

"You will go with him to hide the fucking body," says Dad releasing me. I rub my neck. Mandy offers to come. She's pretty sneaky.

"Hey, um…if Karen Jackson dies I need an alibi," says Mandy.

"That's who you hit?" I ask.

"The bitch fucked Lip behind my back," says Mandy.

"I would have killed the fucking Gallagher instead of the girl," says Dad, "But I'll think of something, Mandy."

"Thanks. Let's go hide this fucking body."

The man my brother killed has red hair like Ian. No. Don't be him. Please. But when I get a good look at his face he is much too old to be Ian. I relax. My dad thumps me in the back hard. He begins dismembering the body. I have done this so many times I don't throw up anymore. Mandy shoves the body parts into bags.

I look at Ryan. He is leaning over puking his guts out behind the car. The sound of him retching makes me feel like copying him. But I hold it in. Dad looks over joyed. Jamie always was his favorite.

"One less fucking faggot in the world," says Dad shooting his comment toward me. I cross my arms and avoid looking at him. Fuck you. I didn't ask for this. "I have a few I'd like to kill."

"What's stopping you?" Asks Jamie as he cleans the murder weapon.

"Breaking Probation," says Dad. I know that's a fucking lie. What's stopping him? Me. I'm his fucking son. However, I wouldn't put it past him to fucking kill me. "Let's get out of here. Except you," He tells me. "You make sure there is no evidence."

They drive off and leave me behind. They even took Ryan with them. But as I stand alone cleaning up the evidence someone comes out of the woods. Mandy. She hands me a sandwich and some beer.

"Why is Dad so mad at you?"

"I knocked some bitch up and I'm going to marry her."

"That fucking sucks. Make her get an abortion."

"I can't."

"You're not seriously taking the moral high ground?"

"Fuck no. I just can't."

"You're making a big mistake," says Mandy, "Just like Lip. You're so fucking stupid."

I fucking know that already.

"Thanks for the sandwich," I say.

"Since when are you nice?" Since I've been seeing Ian Gallagher behind your back.

"If I was to tell you something important could you keep it a secret?" What am I even saying this for? It's not a secret anymore.

"Yeah," says Mandy. I believe her. I am about to tell her when I hear approaching footsteps. Mandy quickly takes out her knife. She's a true Milkovich.

"What the fuck are you doing out here?" Dad asks Mandy.

"I brought Mick a sandwich."

"Go home. I need to talk to your brother."

Mandy doesn't wait to be told twice. When she's out of earshot Dad hits me with a belt. When I am doubled over gasping for air he kicks me right in the stomach. He picks me up by my collar and stands me up.

"This could have been that Gallagher queer. I should kill you both."

"Why don't you?"

"Because you're a Milkovich. I am going to straighten you out if it's the last fucking thing I ever do. You will not be a faggot. No son of mine will ever be a faggot."

If I know what's good for me I'll keep quiet. I stand there and take it like a fucking man. I spit out blood. I think he broke a tooth.

"I'll marry her," I say. I'm a fucking pussy.

"Good."

"Only if you leave Ian alone, and let him continue his friendship with Mandy."

"You don't give me ultimatums, boy. I don't want that kid any where you and if he's friends with Mandy he'll come near and you'll be tempted. If you're tempted he's fucking dead."

"He doesn't deserve this."

Why the fuck did I say that? That's almost like saying, "I fucking love him!" I'm going to get myself killed and Ian too. Dad begins beating me again. I take it. I don't cry. I don't flinch. I fucking take it. I won't give him the satisfaction of knowing he broke me. Fuck him.