Part Thirty-Nine: Just This Once

Mickey avoiding me is getting really fucking old. So when Mandy drops the bomb on me my world is turned upside down. I had never really considered that Mickey might not feel the same way about me as I do about him; I just thought it was a mutual feeling. I thought maybe he loved me. But I can see now that maybe he didn't ever love me at all. Was it all about the sex this whole time?

Mickey's marrying some whore he knocked up. I can't get Mandy's words out of my head. I've been thinking about them all day. How could he get married? I can't focus on anything but this news. It's messing with my fucking head. Mickey is getting married.

I can't catch my breath. I feel like I've been punched in the stomach and all the air is gone from me. Mickey's marrying some whore he knocked up. Is his dad making him? Is it that whore? I can't sit still.

"Is Mickey seriously getting married?" I ask Mandy in class. I can't fucking focus on the lesson anyway.

"Yeah, like in a couple weeks."

"Jesus, to who, I didn't even know he was seeing anyone?" God, I sound pathetic. I'm surprised Mandy hasn't figured it out yet.

"Well I don't think he was seeing so much as he was doing her," Mandy whispers. Like that's any better. Mickey's been fucking women to pretend I don't matter to him? Is that it?

"So why's he marrying her?"

"She's knocked up," says Mandy.

"So I don't get it. Is your dad making him?"

"I don't know. Why do you give a shit?" Mandy asks. Her tone is no longer playful. I am fucking in love with him, that's why I give a shit. I don't want to be here. I want to talk to Mickey. I need to talk to Mickey. Maybe Mandy has it wrong. She has to be wrong.

It feels like it took all fucking day for school to let out. I know a few places to look for Mickey, but the first place I go is what I have always considered our spot, the roof top of the abandoned buildings.

Sure enough, Mickey is sitting inside drinking whisky. I fight back the anger that is bubbling inside me. I need answers. I want to know the truth. Mickey doesn't even acknowledge that I'm here. The dumb fucking jerk.

"So is it true, you're getting married?" I wait for an answer. He drinks but doesn't respond. "So who is it? Is it Angie Zago or some other piece of trash you screw so you can pretend I don't matter to you?" Mickey tosses something, but still doesn't answer me. He's testing my patience. I pick up a bottle and throw it.

"Hey, what the fuck, Gallagher?"

Oh, so we're back to Gallagher. I feel my blood boiling. The anger is replacing the hurt and confusion inside me.

"Oh he speaks," I say. Mickey gets up to leave. Not without giving me some fucking answers, you piece of shit. I follow him. "So that's it. We're over. Your dad beats the shit out of us and you're just going to get married, no conversation. Nothing?"

I try to get him to look at me. When that fails I attempt to kiss him. He shoves me.

"Get the fuck off me," Mickey says.

"You want to fag bash to make you feel like a man? Come on, go ahead do it," I say pointing to my face. But Mickey punches me in the stomach. I double over. He doesn't look happy.

"Fuck," Mickey whispers.

"You love me, and you're gay. Admit it. Just this once, fucking admit it." I love you, can't you fucking see that? That whore doesn't love you.

Mickey punches me in the face. When I'm on the ground I taunt him, "Feel better now? Feel like a man?"

Mickey kicks me in the face. "Feel better now," he says as he leaves me lying on the ground. I just lay there and stare at the sky as I start to feel woozy. But the physical pain isn't even on the register with my emotional pain.

I don't know how I make it home. I don't remember getting up from the ground. I don't remember much of anything. I just know that Mickey doesn't love me anymore, or if he ever did. I walk through the back door like a fucking zombie. Only Fiona is home.

"Jesus, Ian, who beat you up?"

"No one," I choke out. I know I'm shaking. Fiona gives me one of her motherly hugs. I fight back whatever fountain of tears is about to come streaming down my face because I don't want to worry her anymore than I need to. "Here, put this on your face," says Fiona tossing me a bag of frozen peas. I go upstairs and lay down on my bed.

After an hour, Fiona comes up to tell me that some gays dropped off cheese and wine for Frank, whatever the fuck that means. I don't respond to her. I choke back a sob. Fiona sighs. I feel her rub my head. I want to ask her to leave, but I don't. Her touch is warming.

"Please talk to me; I haven't known what's going on with you at all lately. Ian," says Fiona. She kisses me on the cheek. I sniffle and then the sob I was forcing back escapes. "Shit, Ian. I hate seeing you like this, especially when I don't know why."

"I love him," I choke out.

"Oh, Ian," says Fiona, petting me affectionately.

"Hey, let me try for a while," says Lip. Fiona sniffles too. Great, now my sister is crying. Fiona's body is replaced with Lip's. I hear the sound of a Bic lighter and smell smoke. I continue to sob. Lip doesn't speak for several minutes. "I swear to fucking God if this is about Mickey Milkovich I'm going to kick his fucking ass."

"He's getting married," I tell Lip.

"I'm sorry," says Lip. I can hear the sincerity in his voice. He means it. "I remember when Karen was getting married. I felt like shit."

"You didn't love Karen," I remind him.

"Yes I did, at least at the time. I'm so sorry, Ian."

"Why doesn't he love me?" I ask.

"Because the Milkovich family is incapable of loving anyone but themselves so stop being so fucking sensitive, Ian," says Lip. I know he thinks he's being helpful, but I wish he would shut the fuck up.

"You're not helping," I tell him.

"Ian, you don't deserve to be treated this way." I don't respond I just sob into my bag of peas. "I am going to kick Mickey's ass. This is the last fucking time I plan to pick up the pieces of your broken heart. That fucking asshole better run the next time he sees me coming."

A/N: Oh, season 3 you are an emotional ride. But alas, we are drawing to a close. Season 4 is going to be fun to write especially Ian's bipolar disorder from a first person narrative *sarcasm*. I have no idea what I'm doing about that, by the way. I am constantly reading about it, and asking people who have manic depression what to do about it, and hopefully I can get us on the right path. It should be a fun ride regardless (not for my baby Ian, who is sexy as the fires of Hell in season 4). Anyways, I have a few more emotional season 3 chapters coming. Also, a lot of the dialogue in this chapter is verbatim from the series. I shouldn't have done that, but I thought it was important dialogue.