Part Forty: Overprotective Gallaghers

I am shooting cans under the El with Ryan and Iggy, trying to take my mind off what I did to Ian. I hurt him. I caused him physical pain. I abused him. I hate myself for it. I wipe my eyes to keep from crying. I will not show weakness. I shoot at a can and try to forget. Ryan won't let me drink away the pain, so this is the next best thing.

"Hey," says Lip walking up with a cigarette in his mouth. What the fuck does he want? Lip does something unexpected. He decks me. Iggy and Ryan stand up quickly to defend me but I hold out a hand to stop them.

"What the fuck, Gallagher?"

"That's for breaking Ian's heart. Yeah, I know about you two, you fucking piece of shit. Ian fucking told me. He tells me everything. He's my fucking best friend. I am getting really fucking tired of cleaning up after you. This is the second time you have made my brother cry. It ends now. You will never make him cry again."

"I don't know what you're talking about." I'm a fucking idiot. Fuck.

"Oh, so you're going to pretend like nothing happened between you two. You're going to pretend my brother doesn't fucking matter? HE FUCKING MATTERS, MICKEY."

"Are you drunk?"

"No, I'm not fucking drunk, asshole."

Lip punches me in the stomach. I could stop him if I wanted to. The truth is I fucking deserve it. I deserve this for what I did to Ian. I don't fight back with Lip. I let him hit me. I let him take his anger out on me. I let him defend Ian. Because that's what this is about: Ian. Ian is someone we both lo—someone who matters.

"Don't come near him again. I fucking mean it. Instead of being mad at you, he's pining for you. It pisses me off. He keeps asking why you don't love him. He thinks it's his fault. He's been drinking heavily. Ian never drinks that much. Stay the fuck away, Mickey."

Lip gives me another good blow before he leaves. I drop to my knees on the ground and let the tears come out when Lip is gone. Ryan and Iggy look like they've both been shot at and missed. I wipe the tears from my eyes and look at Ryan.

"I'm a fucking asshole," I tell him.

"Yeah, kinda, but you had your reasons, Mick. Ian will come to see that in time."

"Look at the silver lining," says Iggy, "Ian loves you."

"How the fuck is that a silver lining?"

"That's what you wanted, isn't it?"

"Maybe," I say. Yes. I want that. I can't have it.

"Mickey," says Ryan. "Are you okay?"

I think about what Ian said to me the other day, "You love me, and you're gay." I hit him because it's true. I cannot deny this any longer. Ian Gallagher matters. My fucking world revolves around him. I need to accept it.

"Ian Gallagher matters," I say.

"Holy shit, did you just admit you love him?" Ryan asks.

"Fuck off. I said he matters."

This started out as just a crush, but it has become so much more. These feelings are real. I can't pretend they aren't there anymore. I can't repress them anymore. I can't run from them. They're real. They've been real for a while. Maybe that's why I'm in so much pain. It's not from my dad kicking my ass, or from the beating I just got from Lip, it's because I have real fucking feelings for Ian.

"I think I might actually lo—fuck."

"Holy shit," says Ryan and Iggy together.

"I'm an asshole," I say.

"Who the fuck is that?" Ryan asks nodding behind me. I whip around and see Fiona coming at me. She looks pissed. Oh fuck, Mama Bear mode.

"Did you beat the shit out of my brother?" Fiona asks getting in my face. When I don't answer she shoves me. I stumble backwards. "I should kick your ass."

I could lie my ass off right now and make up some story about how he tried to fucking grope me so I kicked his ass, but it wouldn't help me. Jesus, Ian, did you tell the whole family? Fiona shoves me again, and then hits me in the chest hard. She hits pretty fucking hard for someone so petite.

"You don't understand," I say. Why the fuck did I say that?

"I understand that my brother was in fucking tears yesterday. Did you have something to do with it? I don't want to kick the wrong person's ass."

"Yeah, I did."

I take a beating from Fiona. Now, I could have easily have fought off Lip, but Fiona. I wasn't about to engage her. Not because she's a woman, but because I believe in Mama Bear Mode she could probably rip my arm out of socket.

"Don't you even want to know why?"

"No, I just want you to stay away from my family," says Fiona when she feels satisfied. She gives me another shove, wipes tears from her eyes and walks away. Holy shit.

"She's hot," says Ryan, "Ian's sister?"

"Yeah," I say forcing back tears.

"How many Gallaghers are going to kick Mickey's ass today?" Iggy asks.

"How many Gallaghers are there?" Ryan asks.

"Six kids including Ian," says Iggy, lighting up a joint.

"Then I bet we'll see at least two more," says Ryan.

"I'll take that bet. I say we see one."

They shake on it. I flip them off.

"I hope that's the last one," I say.

But it isn't. After dinner or just eating chicken nuggets in front of the TV while watching Storage Wars, there is a knock on the door. "Hey, Mick, some kid here to see you," says Ryan.

Carl Gallagher is standing at the door. He knees me in the groin. "That's for whatever you did to Ian, asshole." Then he walks away.

"You really should marry into this family. I like them," says Ryan handing over five dollars to Iggy who pockets it.

I flip him off and hold on to my crotch. Iggy tosses me an ice pack. I deserve it all. I deserve to fucking die. I hurt Ian. I am the worst fucking person in the world. I think the only Gallagher who hasn't hit me today is Debbie. I expect her to show up next.

But a little after everyone except me and Ryan has gone to sleep, Ian shows up. My father is a heavy sleeper; I don't worry about him waking up to find Ian here. Ian is standing on the porch. His face is red and puffy and he has purple bruises. My heart beat quickens at the sight of him.

"My entire family beat the shit out of you today," says Ian.

"Except Debbie," I say.

"In case you're wondering I told Fiona that you caught me with a guy and beat the shit out of me. I didn't tell her the truth. No. I wanted to keep your secret intact since that's what matters to you." You're what matters to me.

"You told Lip."

"I tell Lip everything."

"Why are you here?"

"Oh, so now I need to justify coming over to see you? Fuck you, Mickey. I just wanted to make sure my family didn't beat the shit out of you too much, but sorry for fucking caring. I just thought maybe you would reconsider marrying this woman. I thought, and this is where it sounds really fucking crazy, you would pick me. But I can see I'm wasting my time."

And just like that, without giving me a chance to respond Ian leaves. He's angry. I don't blame him. I would pick you if I had a fucking choice. I slam the door and give it a swift kick out of frustration. I want to open it back up and chase Ian down the street, wrestle him to the ground and smother him in kisses and claim him and make him mine and show dominance. But I stare at the door. In Ian's absence I take in the sight of him, I take in the warmth I felt being near him again. I take in his pain, and his desperation. I take it all in.

"You matter," I whisper.

I go back to tell my room to tell Ryan what happened. I leave out the very last part, but I tell him about Ian showing up and about our confrontation and I crack. I break down into tears.

A/N: I will admit this is kind of a filler chapter. I couldn't think of anything for Mickey in this one so I did this.