Part Forty-One: Not Even a Little Bit

As much as it hurts I am still head over heels for Mickey Milkovich. His appending nuptials become an obsession to me. I begin to probe Mandy for information. I don't even cover up why I want to know. I just ask. I need to know who the bitch is who is stealing Mickey from me.

"Mickey getting married does that make sense to you," I ask Mandy on the El.

"What sense needs to be made? Someone's pregnant, someone got them pregnant and that's why marriage was invented."

"They been going out long?" I want to know how long he'd been seeing her behind my back. I try to calm down so my rapid breathing doesn't alert Mandy to my predicament.

"Who knows I wasn't in on the courting or the fucking?"

"So where'd they meet?"

"She works at Garden Springs Spa, if you can count jerking off random dudes working."

"Is she pretty?"

"On the dead-eyed Russian handwhore scale I'd say she'd rank about a seven."

Russian? So is this her? Is Terry making Mickey do this? Does he even want to get married? Could there be a chance he really does love me? My heart flutters. I feel the blood rush to my face and I am swept up with emotion. Mickey could still love me.

I don't know why, but I go to the Garden Springs Spa. I want to see if this is her. I want to see this woman's face. I have to. She comes out with another woman. They blaze up. It's her. She raped Mickey. She's the one he's marrying.

Lip is sitting in the window sill looking at a fucking phone when I throw my backpack at the window. He jumps. I start pacing the floor. I need to keep moving. It hurts too much to stop.

"That whore Mickey's marrying is an actual whore who works at Garden Springs Spa."

"Friends and family discounts on handy js," says Lip in jest.

I lean against the bunk bed, "Terry made Mickey fuck her to fuck the gay out of him."

"Holy shit, when?"

"After he caught us together?" I try not to cry. Lip's seen me cry enough.

"Dude, how did I not know this shit?"

"I never told you. This is why I've been so down."

"So it wasn't Mickey who hit you."

I shake my head.

"Did it work?"

"He might have faked it once or twice. He wants to be with me. I know what he felt with me. You can't fake that. And now this chick is pregnant." He can't fake it even though he tries. I know he wishes he didn't have these feelings. I know he wishes he was different.

"Ian, my brother, you need to get out there and fuck someone new. Someone in his early twenties and not some old dude like Kash or Ned."

"Fuck you."

"Seriously, go into a gay bar and make your need known. Just have at it. I'll go with you if you like."

"You in a gay bar?"

"What? I'd be there supporting you."

I laugh. He tries to make me feel better. I appreciate him trying. But I can't get over Mickey just like that. I can't fuck someone new. I don't want to. I want Mickey. He's all I've ever wanted since I was fifteen.

"Mandy's upset that you're upset about Karen," I tell Lip.

"Jesus, how many people is Mandy talking to."

"She cares about you. Why I don't know? You can be a real shithead." I love you, Lip. Thank you for having my back.

The wedding is in two days. I know I shouldn't go. I know I should avoid the place. I know I should never speak of it again, but I can't get it out of my head. I need to stop Mickey. I have to stop Mickey.

I toss and turn all night long thinking about the wedding. I envision myself in her place. I close my eyes and allow the fantasy to take over.

The V.F.W. is decked out in bright colors; everyone is in their Sunday best. Mickey stands at the end of the aisle wearing an ill-fitted tux, handsome, and sexy, and very out of his element. Beside him is Ryan his best man; the guy who has been with Mickey through everything, and who shares Mickey's spirit.

On the other side is Lip, my best man, handsomely dressed to perfection by Mandy, with a white rose in his lapel. He is smiling and smoking and looking very proud, beside him is Carl, who looks bored. I spot my sister, Debbie, with roses woven into her hair by Sheila Jackson, and wearing a beautiful golden dress. She's the flower girl. She drops petals in the aisle for me to walk on. And clinging to my arm is Fiona.

Fiona is a vision in gold. It really brings out the brown in her eyes. Her hair is plaited down the back with flowers in it. She's stunning. I kiss her cheek before she walks me down the aisle. Fiona is giving me to Mickey.

At the end of the aisle, I allow Fiona to kiss me. Her cheeks are wet from sobbing. I join Mickey. I take his hand. We're getting married. He's smiling at me and saying the words that will bind us in holy matrimony. He is mine and I am his. We kiss.

"I'm looking forward to what comes after," says Mickey after the kiss.

"The marriage?" I ask with a smile.

"No, the fucking," Mickey says with a devilish grin. I roll my eyes and kiss him again.

"Ian," says Lip. "Wake up." The dream fades as I open my eyes to the bright light of the sun shining in my window. Lip smacks me on the stomach. "Get the fuck up, man."

"I had the best dream," I tell Lip.

"You kill Mickey," Lip asks taking off his shirt and browsing for a clean one.

"No. I married him."

"Jesus, was I there?"

"Yeah, you were my best man."

"Well if you ever get married to that asshole, I better fucking be your best man."

"I wouldn't have it any other way." Lip and I trade punches. "I can't stop thinking about this wedding," I tell him after the joking subsides.

"Do yourself a favor and stay as far from that car wreck as possible. It's not worth it. You're going to get hurt again. I'm not fucking cleaning up Mickey's mess again."

Mandy comes in wearing nothing but a towel. Why do I sense Carl is hiding somewhere with a spy cam? "Can you help me set up this afternoon at the V.F.W?" She asks.

Lip turns her down.

"I'll help," I say getting out of bed.

Lip glares at me.

"I thought you were sick or something," says Lip. I glare right back at him. If I go set up I can see Mickey and maybe, just maybe talk him out of it. If we can get some time alone he'll have to listen to me. "Don't do it," Lip shouts as I leave the room. If Mickey doesn't agree I can just steal him and we can run off together. Yeah, that'll happen.

But helping Mandy set up at the V.F.W. didn't make me feel better. It made me feel worse. All the shit she says about Mickey and this bitch make me want to drink. I wish I could tell her why I feel so bad. I wish I could tell her why I fucking care so much, but Mickey doesn't want her to know. He doesn't want anyone to know.

Being Mickey's dirty little secret is what led me to having a fucking drink at the Alibi. I knew Kev would be hesitant to serve me, but I beg him. He keeps them coming.

"Are you going to stay here and drink until Last Call?" Kev asks.

"Yes," I say.

"Heartbreak?"

"I don't want to talk about it."