Part Forty-Six: Hooking Up

"Remind me again why I'm here?" Ryan asks as we walk through the door of the club. I have never been in a gay bar before. Never. Never ever. And if anyone asks I would deny it through my teeth that I ever came in here.

"You said to meet a new guy," I remind him. This is so fucking gay. But I'm so fucking horny. A lot of queers walk by me. Some of them fit the stereotype and I feel like leaving already. Some of them are kissing, openly in public. A few older men are with much younger boys. I want to bolt, but I am on a mission and I need to see it completed.

"Okay, but why am I here?"

"I need a wing man. Isn't that what men do for each other in bars?" I ask not familiar with the whole "bro code" thing. We find a place to sit and I look at one of the dancers. He has the same body type as Ian.

"Okay, but why the fuck did we have to drive to Indiana?" Ryan asks, "I'm pretty sure there are gay bars in Chicago."

"Because no one in Indiana knows me," I say. I can't smoke in here. There is a law against that or some shit. Indiana is the stupidest fucking state in America. A spot a young man in his early twenties with Ian's build across the room dancing to the shitty music. He's not bad. What the fuck is wrong with me? I demand the bar tender give me a fucking drink. I'm going to need it.

"He was checking you out, you could probably hook up with him," says Ryan pointing at the bar tender. I ignore him and scope out my prey. He has brown hair not red. My heart sinks, but my dick seems to like him. He spots me. I look away.

"Fuck," I say.

"That guy looks like Ian. You can't hook up with him, Mickey."

"Fuck off. I can fuck whoever I want," I say. He's not Ian. He's not who I want. I fucked up. I can't believe I'm fucking here. "So now that I've chosen one what the fuck do I do?"

"I don't know the rules for cruising. I guess make eye contact."

"You're fucking useless," I tell him.

"I told you that when you forced me to come. I'm not exactly gay bait."

"I should have brought Iggy or Lip."

I make eye contact with the Ian look-a-like. We hold eye contact for a while until he walks over to me. Ryan doesn't get up to leave. I don't really fucking care. I'm so fucking horny, I'm thinking with my dick tonight.

"You could still go home and fuck your wife," says Ryan. I flip him off. The Ian look-a-like looks even more like him up close save for the hair and he doesn't have any freckles and he dresses differently than Ian.

"I'm Isaac," He says. His name starts with the same fucking letter. This is like some Matrix bull shit.

I consider lying about my name, but I'm never coming back here again, so why the fuck not?

"Mickey," I say. He looks at my tattoos and pulls up his shirt to reveal a tattoo of a shield. I don't get it.

"It's Captain America's shield, I'm a geek," says Isaac.

"So it seems," I say. I get another beer and offer to buy one for Isaac.

After he chats about something I don't even give a shit about I make a move. I take him by the wrist and make a bee line to the bathrooms. I threaten everyone to make them leave and lock the door behind them. I want privacy if I'm doing this.

"Shall I get on you?" Isaac asks.

I turn around for him.

"What is this wound on your ass?"

"I got shot," I say, "Are you gonna fuck me or not?"

"You were shot? Damn. You have a great ass, man."

The fucking is quick. Isaac is pretty good. His dick isn't nearly as big as Ian's but its big enough to make me muffle a few moans. When it's over he kisses my shoulder. I want to punch him. The only person allowed to kiss me is Ian.

"Wanna get out of here and fuck like crazy in my apartment?" Isaac asks.

"I am here with someone," I say as I zip my jeans. Isaac has hair on his chest. Ian doesn't. I stare at it for a moment.

"He can come too," says Isaac.

"I don't think he'd be into that," I say, "He's straight." I wish I was. I'm not saying I'm gay. This was necessary. I had to do it. This guy looks like Ian, and it's not gay when it's Ian.

"Wanna fuck again now then?" Isaac asks. I am out of my pants faster than anyone ever has been. It's probably a new record. Isaac and I do it several times until we're both sated and happy. People have been banging on the door for half an hour.

Isaac leaves first and is met with half cheers and half anger. I leave next. Ryan grabs me by the arm and pulls me out of the crowd. "Isaac invited me back to his house, but I said no."

"Why?"

"I'm not going to abandon you in Indiana."

"Is that the only reason?"

"What other reason do I need?"

"Well I call bull shit. You don't want to get attached to him. You can't have casual sex with someone without getting attached. No wait. You can't have casual sex with men without getting attached. You can fuck women as long as you want because it doesn't mean anything."

I hate how right he is about me all the time. It really pisses me off. I shove him, "Fuck you."

"Hey," says Isaac appearing behind me.

"Fuck off," I say.

"What's your problem?" Isaac asks. He's not leaving. He sips the fruity cocktail he bought and hands me a beer.

"He's angry at me," says Ryan.

"Listen, Mickey, the offer to come back to the apartment still stands," says Isaac in a suggestive tone. I avoid looking in his eyes. I know the look he's giving me. I don't need to look at him. I can almost feel the heat radiating off him. It's enough to make me want to say 'yes', but I know exactly what will come of this.

"I can't," I tell him.

"Here," he hands me his phone number. I gape at him. "In case you change your mind or you ever come back this way again. I know you're from Chicago. I recognize the accent, but you know if you're ever in the area."

"Oh, fuck, Mickey, just go with him," Ryan says, "I'll wait for you outside the apartment."

I go with Isaac. We walk in silence. Ryan comes too. Isaac has his own car. Isaac doesn't bother asking me any questions on the drive, which I fucking appreciate. I don't chitchat. We sit in silence until Ryan can't take it anymore and starts up a conversation about what Isaac does for a living. I can't believe I'm fucking doing this. I could climb out a window and go the fuck home.

Isaac has a nice apartment. It's not as upscale as I pictured. He doesn't make much money, because he works at a comic book store. His roommate is a woman, which is good. It will give Ryan something to do. She has pink hair and a nose ring. Reminds me of Mandy.

"So you're married," Isaac asks looking at the ring on my finger that I forgot to take off.

"Not by choice," I tell him, "got any beer."

"I get it. I once dated a guy who was so far in the closet he married a woman just to maintain a heterosexual lifestyle. He didn't want his family to know he was gay."

God, you even sound like Ian. He was molested by that Kash 'N' Grab asshole.

Isaac strips down. If it weren't for his chest hair I would be focused on his face which painfully reminds me of Ian. They have similar bone structure. Isaac pushes me back on his bed, climbs on top of me and stares into my eyes.

"Why don't you want me to kiss you?" Isaac asks.

I don't answer.

"What's his name?"

"Who's name?"

"The guy you're trying to get over," Isaac says. "I can see it in your eyes." He kisses my chest. That feels good. "I'm a little jealous." He kisses my belly button. That's getting me hard. "Did he break your heart?" He unbuttons my pants and kisses downward. Don't stop.

"I broke his heart."

And we're no longer talking. The sex escalates slowly. Isaac, like Ian, is really fucking good. I mean, really, really fucking good. I lie on my stomach. I don't fuck him face to face. He's not Ian. He looks like him, almost a photo copy with brown hair, but he's not him. They even smell similar, but he's not him. Ian. Where are you?

I put on my pants after the fucking. Isaac kisses my shoulder. I shrug him off me and put on my shirt. He nibbles on my ear. I turn around to look at him. "You look like him."

"I figured that because you kept calling me Ian."

"Sorry," I say.

"Nah, it's okay. He must mean a lot to you. Look. You don't have to keep my number. Ian obviously still has a death grip on your heart. I don't know the details, but I hope things work out for you."

"Thanks," I say.

Isaac nods. He kisses the side of my face. I allow that. I just let the man fuck me senseless; the least I could do is let him kiss the side of my fucking face. Ryan is getting a blow job from Isaac's roommate when I come out. I slap him in the back of the head.

"We're leaving."

"Aw, come on. I had to listen to you and the Ian look-a-like fuck like horny schoolboys the least you could do is let me come," Ryan says. I grab him by the collar of his shirt and yank his fat ass up.

"We're going."

It's a long drive back to Chicago. I get in about seven a.m. My wife is still asleep in my bed. I take off my shoes and climb in beside her. I put about two feet between us on the bed. I make a point not to fucking touch her. She reaches over to me.

"Where you been?"

"None of your fucking business."

"You smell like cum and beer and cologne."

"Why the fuck do you care?"

I do smell like Isaac's cologne. I feel dirty. I climb out of bed and head for the shower. I need to wash Isaac's scent off me. I want to forget it ever happened. It was a mistake. I shouldn't have done it.

A/N: It is illegal to smoke in public buildings in Indiana. You also can't smoke within 8 feet of an entrance to a building in Indiana. I live in Indiana, unfortunately.