Part Forty-Eight: Pining for Gallagher

I come out of my bedroom to see Ryan standing in the kitchen with a duffle bag by his feet giving Mandy a hug. He looks at me and the smile he had on disappears.

"What the fuck is this?" I ask, giving his bag a light kick.

"I'm leaving," says Ryan.

"What?"

"It's only for a month. I'm going to visit my mom and sister. I'll be back. I love it here as crazy as that sounds. Don't look at me like that," Ryan says. I give him bag another kick and flip Ryan off. I grab a beer out of the fridge and head back into my bedroom. I slam the door loudly and wake up my wife.

"Mick," says Ryan following me. I fucking knew he would.

"Fuck off," I tell him.

"I said I'm coming back."

I help Svetlana out of bed. She is really showing in her pregnancy. I have no idea about babies or any of that shit, and I don't care, I just want the bitch to continue working and bringing in money. She walks past us and into the bathroom.

"What? You think I fucking care that you're leaving?"

"I think you do."

"Fuck off, Fat Ass," I tell him.

"You should give Isaac a call."

"Nah, man, I'm done with that. It's out of my system."

"Uh, no. Good try though. But if not Isaac, then try someone else," says Ryan. I hate how he fucking knows me.

"I might," I lie. He knows I won't. We both know that.

"Try to make a friend while I'm gone. Just one friend."

"I don't need anyone. I have you and Ian. That's all I need."

Ryan grimaces. I haven't mentioned Ian's name very much in the last couple of weeks. He's constantly on my mind, but I haven't brought him up in conversation. I know Ryan doesn't want to hear it right now. He thinks I should move on.

"You're still hung up on that Gallagher," says Ryan shaking his head. "Move on, Mick."

"Maybe I don't fucking want to."

"Maybe I'll bring you something when I come back," says Ryan.

"Just get the fuck out already," I say with a half smile which is something I picked up from Ian. And unexpectedly, Ryan hugs me. Fuck off, Fat Ass. But I hug him back. Usually I only hug Mandy, but Ryan is someone who firmly planted himself in my life and he's become kind of a permanent fixture.

Ryan has been gone a little over a week, but it's Ian I miss. I can't stop thinking about him. Ryan isn't here to distract me. Ian is all I can think about. I think about him every minute of the day and it's driving me insane. I need a distraction until Ryan gets back.

With Ryan here I didn't have time to miss Ian. Ryan made sure I didn't. But now, I have a dull ache inside me whenever I think about how Ian left. It's my fault. I make my way to the Alibi room. A place I have walked to countless times hoping Ian would be around there or just to feel closer to him, but today is the first time I've gone in and had a drink.

"Anyone seen Gallagher?" I ask.

"Frank. I thought he was dead," says a fat man, I think his name is Tommy. Used to be friends with my dad.

"Frank? Nah, he doesn't come in anymore," says Kev.

"Not fucking Frank, the other one. The red head," I say.

"Ian. He took off. Why does he owe you money?"

No, he doesn't owe me money shithead. I shake off the look of forlorn on my face. I look around to see if anyone notices. Thankfully, no one does. Kev looks over at me.

"What?" I ask.

"Nothing," says Kev, "I've never really seen you drink in here."

"So what?"

"So nothing," says Kev, continuing to look at me. I'm saved when Kev gets a call about Stan the former owner of the Alibi. I sit on my stool and think about Ian. If you come back, I'll do better. If you come back, I'll be the boyfriend you want me to be. I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry.

At home, I am leaning back on the couch deep into my fourth beer. I have empty beer bottles around me and a pain inside me that won't stop. The house is empty. I hate when the house is empty I can hear my thoughts too easily. I'm losing my mind.

I think I've drank too much when I hear ringing. But after a few rings I realize it's not my head but the phone. We still have a house phone? I follow the ringing to the corded phone sitting on a pile of shit in the hallway.

"Hello," I say casually.

"Mickey," says the voice on the other line. I freeze. Ian.

"Ian," I say back.

"Mickey," says Ian again. There is something in his voice that makes my heart speed up. I grip the phone tighter and try to control my breathing. "I miss you."

"Fuck. Ian, where are you? Are you in trouble? I'll come get you."

"I'm fine," says Ian. You can't be fine; you fucking ran off and joined the army. You won't be fine until you're home. "Don't worry about me."

"How the fuck can you say that? Where are you? I will come get you."

Ian hangs up. I squeeze the phone so tight I swear I'm going to break it. I need him back. I want him back. I bang the receiver down hard and let out a heavy sob. I kick the wall with the strength I can muster.

Ian called me. Where the fuck is he? I need him. I fucking need him back. Come back to me. I will do anything to have you back. Please. Ian. I'm so fucking sorry. I'll never hurt you again. I get it now. I understand the pain. Come back. I drop to my knees and sob.

Hey, guys, sorry, I only wrote one chapter. I went to Geek Galaxy Comic Con yesterday and spent way more than I planned, then watched Penny Dreadful. I only had time to write one chapter.