Part Forty-Nine: Safety Dance

It was snowing when I showed up at Ned's place with nowhere else to go. He took me in, fed, me, gave me something warm to wear, and then we fucked like crazy. I don't feel the need to keep moving so much. I feel safe, well safer than I was.

"You hungry," Ned asks.

"Starving," I tell him placing my hand on my stomach.

I bounce around his apartment examining every little thing and telling him at rapid speed about the people I have met and all the wonderful ideas I have. I want to take up an instrument. I think it would be a good idea to learn. I could meet guys that way. Musicians are hot.

"I could use an intern at the hospital," says Ned.

"Nah," I say crinkling up my face. He laughs.

"Well, the White Swallow needs go-go dancers," says Ned.

"I could dance! Yes. Why didn't I think of that? You're amazing."

I kiss him right on the lips. Ned leans over and kisses me back. He stops to order room service. I jump on his bed and then grab him by the arm to pull him to me when he finishes ordering dinner for us.

"Play with me," I say.

"Is that a request or a command?"

"Does it matter?"

"No," says Ned taking off his pants.

He's getting old. It's obvious. He can't do everything in bed that Mickey could. Mickey was agile when it came to fucking. Mickey. I push that distant memory out of my mind. I can't believe I actually called him. That was a stupid move. Still, it was nice to hear his voice. I miss him.

"You've gotten sexy," Ned tells me after the sex. I am lying on my back on his bed tapping my fingers on my stomach. He's running his fingers through my hair. I turn my head slightly to look at him.

"Nah, I haven't changed much at all," I tell him.

"Yes you have. You're all grown up. I remember the timid little boy who refused to take a gift from me because he 'sort of had a boyfriend'."

"Yeah, then my boyfriend beat the shit out of you."

"Are you two still together?"

"Most of the time," I answer.

"What does that mean?"

"Well, it means when he feels like expressing his feelings to me and being in a committed relationship we're together."

"I'm sensing some bitterness."

"He got married…to a woman. I got sick of him treating me like I don't fucking matter so I left."

"I can't believe he got married. Well, yes I can. Men like him often seek out partners to maintain a heterosexual persona."

"Men like him? You mean men like you?" I point out.

"I guess I'm guilty. Do you still love him?"

"Yes. I think I'll always love Mickey. I've loved him since I was fifteen. While he wasn't my first, I want him to be my last. But he had to fuck it up by marrying some Russian hand whore." I wipe a tear that wants to escape my eyes. "But hey, let's not dig up old dirt on a past relationship. Let's go to the movies."

"Alright. Let's go to the movies."

Ned pays for our tickets. I buy our popcorn. Half way through the film I get bored and get between his legs. Ned thinks they'll throw us out, but I have learned how to be quiet during times like these. I go back to watching the movie when I'm done like nothing ever even happened.

"You are hard to keep up with, Red," says Ned back in bed. He is giving me a massage and I make cute little noises for him. He smacks my ass. "But I never grow tired of you."

"I have a lot of energy. I don't know why, but I feel super charged like the Energizer Bunny. Life is too amazing to watch while sitting down. You gotta keep moving."

"I'm getting old."

"No you're not. You're just experienced. Jimmy is lucky to have you for a dad. I wish you were my dad."

"Then the fucking would be a lot more awkward," says Ned.

I laugh a lot at his joke. He looks at me until my laughing subsides. I roll onto my back. He kisses my stomach. "This is what I want."

"Well, you can have it as long as you want."

"No, I mean, this is what I want with Mickey. I want it to be this easy. I want to have domestic moments. I want to be able to lie in bed together without feeling the need to constantly fuck. I want to be boyfriends in every since of the word."

"Then maybe you need a different boyfriend, Ian," says Ned, "Because it doesn't sound like this Mickey is going to give you all of this."

I really miss you, Mick. I pull Ned down on top of me and let him kiss me. I bottom with him occasionally. It's not that big of a deal, I've been bottoming a lot lately. That's usually Mickey. I prefer to top, but I'll bottom when the mood is right or I trust the person.

Some of the times I've bottomed haven't been my idea, or my choosing. I was forced. But that's behind me. I'm with someone I trust. He won't hurt me.

"Stay with me," Ned says.

"What?" I ask halfway through fucking.

"Stay with me, I'll provide for you. You could see your family anytime you want. You'll never have to worry about having a roof over your head. I enjoy your company, Red."

"I'll stay, for now," I tell him.

Mickey. Do you miss me at all? I think about you sometimes. As much as I want to forget him, I can't. He's still on my mind all the time. He's still the name that my heart screams. It's always been Mickey. But I need to move on. He chose her. He's not mine anymore.

A/N: I actually wrote a Mickey chapter, but I didn't like it so I'm going to redo it. I have some other ideas in mind for good ol' Mick. So it will come later today.