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-S

Chapter I

Vulnerable

There are many ways to express your love to someone. It can be as explicit as saying "I love you" and it can be as unnoticed as a fleeting smile. Holding hands can also be a sign of love, just as well as writing a letter while on a trip. It can also be as drastic as sacrificing all one has and it can be as trifle as offering spare change to that person. There are many, many ways to show love and all of them still manage to send the same meaningful message.

Len, however, thought there was one way that was more meaningful than the rest when it came to showing your love to another person; It was by sleeping with that person. He doesn't mean sleeping in the sexual sense, although that is one way people show their affections towards each other. No, he means it in its most truthful sense. Sleep, as when you lay down and fall into rest. When your senses become dull and you are weak. You lose awareness of the world and slip into unconsciousness as your body attempts to heal from the trials of the day. Your mind filters through memories, thoughts, feelings, emotions, and dreams, all of them so private and personal. You have no control over yourself during this time. It is when you are asleep that you are most vulnerable. And yet, during this moment, you choose to spend it with another being. You have abandoned yourself completely and given yourself up to another person. You choose to end yourself with this person at night and begin yourself with this person in the day. Sleeping with another person is intimate and innocent, calculated and reckless, simple and profound. And you do this because you love them.

This is what Len thinks as he lays beside Kaito in the dark night, watching his elder sleep peacefully beside him. Yes, Len shares a bed with Kaito at night more often than not. He doesn't care that it makes him seem infantile for his age to be sharing a bed with another family member or that the other family member is a grown male. To be fair, he does share his room with the blue-haired man. Even so, he only hopes that this strange nightly routine continues.

Len takes in Kaito's sleeping form which mirrors that of his own. They are both laying on their sides, facing each other with their arms curled in the space between them, the same position they had chosen when turning in for the night. Slow inhales and exhales cause the older man to rhythmically shift in the slightest and the relaxed state of the elder brings comfort to Len. They are close, so close that Len can feel the warm, gentle breaths across his face, reminding him of just how close they are. Len definitely loves waking to the sight of Kaito asleep beside him in the middle of the night. Len is certain he is losing more sleep from waking up in the middle of the night than he can afford, but it was like an addiction for him. It was as if time recognized this moment and chose to let the hours of the night pass ever so slowly, perhaps letting it last for Len. He could freely admire the man before him without any worries or distractions. So it is a bit creepy for him to stare at Kaito in the middle of the night, but Len is pretty sure it would be far more disturbing if he stared during the day. This way was also the least embarrassing. The illusion of stilled time doesn't make him reckless though. He won't be whispering sweet confessions or stealing light kisses from the older man if movies were anything to go by. He is known to take risks though.

Len reaches up, careful not to stir Kaito, and hesitates. His fingertips are mere centimeters from Kaito's face, but Len takes back his hand. He shouldn't touch more than necessary when they are already close enough. His heart thrums painfully as he watches Kaito sleeping completely unaware of the person beside him. He wonders if his elder has ever considered what it meant to share the same bed with Len. What it meant to Kaito of sleeping with another person as a significant way of expressing love like Len believes, but he scoffs inwardly. He's probably the only one that thinks like this. It's the result of being a song writer and finding abstract meanings in every single thing, thinks Len. Then the thought of Kaito sharing his bed with someone else crosses Len's mind and the ensued feelings are shattering.

All thoughts concerning the blue-haired man have been overwhelming lately and Len knows it will only get worse if his feelings continue. It's also an inconvenience that he can't bring himself to stop loving the clumsy man. He's tried. Len remembers the time when he tried to find reasons to dislike Kaito and it only seemed to screw him over. All the possible reasons he found to dislike the man ended up as endearing with Len all the more hopelessly in love. He then decided to push his feelings to the side and go on without ever mentioning them to anyone or anything. Being friends with Kaito would have to be enough. Although he knows he can never have Kaito the way he wants to, he refuses to let himself be brought down by something he has long accepted. Len won't be wallowing in self-pity, but he'll definitely take what he can get.

Len inches himself towards Kaito and closes the distance between them, carefully fitting his head in the crook of the elder man's neck. He places the elder man's arms over him and entangles their legs together. Go big or go home, Len thinks even if this is far from what he actually wants. If Kaito happens to wake at this moment, Len could always say he was cold and he wanted to steal his elder's body-heat. It's not a complete lie, seeing as Kaito had managed to steal the blanket once again and the cool summer air wafted in from their open bedroom window.

Len inhales sharply at the ache in his chest when Kaito encloses his arms around and holds him, still asleep and unaware. Len should feel guilty about what he's doing, and he does, but being embraced by Kaito gives him a better feeling. It feels welcoming and protecting, like home. He prays that Kaito does not move away from him or leave him. Like this, he can pretend that maybe they are more, however unlikely. Len closes his eyes as he breathes in the light scent of rich vanilla and clear blue skies. He can feel the Kaito's steady heartbeat against his own flitting one. Just maybe, Len thinks as he is lulled to perfect sleep by the warmth emanating from the man he loves.

However, the night cannot last forever.

"I'm getting married."