05.
Despite Ren's angrily storming out of the building in a huff of righteous anger they met again only two weeks later. This time Ren had made initial contact and Masato felt all of his nerves set on edge at the promise held by it. Ren had seemed too indignant the last he had seen him; He went nearly flying out of the restaurant. Masato wouldn't have been surprised if they'd never met again. And yet, there they were, this time in a penthouse way above ground in an expensive hotel sharing an expensive bottle of wine..
Ren swirled the liquid in his glass absent minded before draining the contents down his throat. Masato had never seen the other drink so quickly and was surprised when Ren began to fill the glass again. He grabbed Ren's sleeve and their eyes made brief contact before Ren shrugged him away and continued to fill it.
"Shouldn't you slow down?" Masato asked allowing his hand to drop into his lap.
His own glass of wine was still a quarter full. He was going a more reasonable pace into it.
"I need to drink to numb what I'm about to do."
Masato frowned and turned his body slightly away from his partner and took a sip of his drink.
"If you feel that way about it why did you call me here?"
Ren let out a huff that was also part laugh.
"I already told you I like you."
"Yeah? And you also said I'm married."
Ren shrugged, "I guess I'd also like to scratch an itch."
Masato frowned and gazed at his friend who was again knocking back the glass of wine as if it were something as simple as juice. He didn't want to press the subject any longer. He knew he wasn't forcing Ren into something he didn't wish to do. If that were the case then Ren would have cut their communication off weeks ago after the offense, not call him and invite him to his suite for more.
Still, it was a bit awkward sitting beside a Ren who was obviously still having some inhibitions. It wasn't like Masato was blameless. He was the one who should have the most reservations between the two of them but oddly enough he was relaxed. Perhaps it was because of Ren's jitters that he was able to remain so calm.
Ren made the first move. Masato felt it first as a hand moving across him and moving to his inner thigh. He let it rest there ignoring the impulse to close his legs together. Instead he let Ren's hand linger as they both finished off their glasses of wine.
Then suddenly he was turned in his stool, swiveled so that he faced Ren and his breath caught at the way Ren's face was so close to his. He noted the red stain of blush, either from the wine or their proximity, across Ren's tanned cheeks. Masato left his glass on the table and let his arms raise cradling that face in his hands instead. Ren took that as an invitation and leaned even closer. Their heads tilted and then lips met in a hot first kiss.
Masato's heart rate rose as his stomach did flips; he loved the way Ren eagerly moved and opened his mouth against his. Letting his mouth fall open Ren's tongue entered. It was hot and Masato was gathered from the stool into Ren's hot embrace so roughly he half stood. Ren's hands kneaded and pulled at his ass through his trousers. The sensation evoked a moan from him.
"Fuck," Masato was near breathless when the kiss was broken and he didn't have time to recover.
Ren was at it again. He nearly stood himself as he pulled Masato flush against him. He turned and Masato's back hit the edge of the bar. Masato hissed against Ren's tongue from the pain but he liked it. He really loved the feeling of being touched and touching. He let his fingers push and prod all over his new lover in a way he'd never done before.
Was it rude to compare? Because he couldn't help but to do so. With Haruka he'd never really touched her. With her his fingers were feather-like and careful. His ministrations barely pulled a noise from her. She didn't react to anything only to close her eyes and keep them squeezed tight. Masato loved sex because he enjoyed the feeling of the soft warm body beneath him. He loved the supple feel of flesh and the way Haruka's skin tasted against his lips. He relished in the moment when he sheathed himself in her tight warm heat and the way her body just pulled her into him and let him move. The build up was beautiful as he would work himself in and out and then he'd come and unravel into completion moments later kissing and sucking at the skin right below her ear. She never let go of him until he pulled away.
However in that moment with Ren sex was alive! It was active. It wasn't just him touching and feeling until his release. Ren too was working towards a climax with an arousal of his own. Masato could feel it and he got chills when after breaking away to kiss at the skin against Ren's jaw his partner actually moaned. He moved to place his lips on Ren's neck as if to swallow the vibrations his voice made.
Ren pushed Masato back just as he began to lick a strip up his neck.
"Do you want to stop?" Masato asked, eyes probably showing completely his worry.
"Let's move to the bedroom."
Masato didn't need to hear the invitation twice. He followed Ren into the adjoining room and didn't even take in the beautiful design of it all. He didn't however miss Ren's attempt to create an atmosphere with roses and lighted candles. He was taken aback and didn't lean into the touch when Ren came up behind him wrapping strong arms around his body.
"Sorry if you don't like it but I thought I'd like to live in a dream for one night."
Ren's breath against his body made Masato weak and he tried to ignore the implications of what Ren was hinting at about the evening. Masato knew that Ren liked him but he didn't want to think it was so serious. Ren was a playboy and everyone knew it. It was easier to do this to Ren if he could just doubt his feelings.
Masato longed for Ren's touch instantly after the taller man let go of him. He watched as Ren crossed the room and sat on the bed unbuttoning his black shirt. He didn't want to wait anymore! His patience was wearing thin. If he were with his wife he'd already be in her by now and so with that thought he strode to the bed and pounced.
"Oof," Ren fell flat against the mattress as Masato straddled his body working at Ren's buttons and finally yanking the offending piece of clothing open.
He latched his mouth to Ren's collar bone as his fingers began to fiddle with the buckle of Ren's belt. He ignored the vibration of the laugh rumbling through Ren's body intent on his task and happy when he managed to get the clasp and zipper undone as well.
"Down boy. What's the rush?" Ren asked pushing at Masato's shoulders before sitting up a bit on his elbows.
Masato clambered off his partner only to begin stripping off his own clothing.
"If this is how you go into sex I can see how it's unsatisfying," Ren said looking a bit too amused for the situation. "Maybe you really do need my advice after all."
Masato was down to his briefs and sat down on the bed.
"What do you mean?" he asked frustrated and very horny.
His hard dick was confined in his underwear and dying to get out. Ren rolled his eyes.
"Dunno how Haruka managed to deal with you this long if you don't know what the fuck you're doing."
Masato was pushed down by his chest and shuddered as Ren's hand stroked down lightly across his abdomen and then landed at the bulge in his cotton briefs. His fingers ran up and down lightly over his erection and Masato was really regretting not getting naked in the first place.
"Ah, Jinguji... please."
"Please what?" Ren ask.
"Let me," Masato moved to sit up and push Ren onto his back but Ren was stronger and didn't go down.
In fact he was still running his fingers languidly over Masato's hard length.
"Fuck... Just let me-" Masato strained, impatient. He wanted to be inside Ren immediately.
"You're like a virgin," Ren cooed. "Cute, sad for a married guy, but cute."
Masato panted keeping it to himself he'd only had sex with Haruka less than a handful of times. Though he'd gladly except more if she'd allow it.
"You want to fuck me?" Ren asked.
Masato nodded though if he'd had a clear mind he'd want to punch Ren for that self satisfied look he had on his face.
"Too bad," Ren said and then he slid off the bed and dropped to his knees on the floor.
Masato sat up more and finally Ren pulled down the boxers by the hem. Masato lifted his hips to help him and soon the piece of clothing was discarded to the side. There was no time though for Masato to even contemplate what could be next as Ren grabbed the base of Masato's member and then opening his mouth engulfed him.
A long groan came from Masato's mouth and he pushed his hips up. He wanted a blow job. Oh how he always wanted one. He watched enough porn to know what it is but he didn't know how to bring it up to Haruka. And now there he was not even having to ask Ren and receiving it and oh it felt glorious. He rested himself against one elbow as he reached forward and twisted his fingers in the hair on Ren's bobbing head.
The feeling was so good that Masato was going to come quickly. His fingers curled tighter still in Ren's hair and Ren lifted his head stopping the motion.
"Going to come already?" Ren asked teasingly.
Masato nodded with a pant.
"What?" Ren actually pouted. "But I thought you said you were going to fuck me."
Masato must have looked pained because the pout disappeared and Ren instead chuckled leaning down to nuzzle the dick he still held with a cheek.
"Fine, tell you what I'll let you come now if you promise me you can get it back up in an hour and fuck me."
"Less than an hour," Masato replied.
Ren laughed and then retook Masato into his mouth again. It was only a matter of seconds before Masato was coming hard. Ren swallowed every bit of it.
June came and went without a meeting between Masato and his rival-turned-secret-lover. Just as expected without Masato initiating any communication Ren never once tried to contact him. It should have made the severed connection even easier to make. However instead Masato began plagued by strange emotions.
Did Ren not miss him? Why did he never wish to talk ever? Masato didn't think it fair that he should be the one to constantly make contact with the other. He tried to reason that perhaps Ren felt doing so would overstep his boundaries. After all, discretion was needed.
But Masato was admittedly disappointed by that lack of passion. Of course he appreciated it most of the time but as the rainy June passed into a humid July and continued to roll into lazy August he wondered if he was the only one who missed it. Childishly he wanted to say, "I thought you liked me" as if he even had the right.
Selfishly Masato knew that his self imposed ban would not last. He had a business trip in Tokyo near the end of the month and when he was in Tokyo he contacted Ren. That's how it worked for years. He wasn't going to pretend he would do otherwise this time.
His family life was good because it was normal. He had a pregnant wife, a young child and a stable career. They wanted for nothing materially and he knew the feelings he had for Kazuma were as strong as a tightly bound cable. Though he could not speak for his wife, he knew subconsciously there was some gaping hole there emotionally. He had to have known, when not even a year into the situation he sought the illicit companionship of another.
He rationalized his actions as he typed in the email from his Tokyo office in Marunouchi requesting to see him for dinner that evening. Provided Ren was free they'd meet. Masato was willing to wait. He convinced himself they were meeting as the friends that they were. Nothing immoral had to take place - he drowned the voice in his head that said it did.
As always Ren assented though he apologized that his schedule would run late. Would dinner at 11 be OK? It was. Masato made reservations at a nice place near his rooms for the night.
"I thought you forgot about me," Ren teased playfully from across the table.
It was a nice intimate setting. The restaurant was devoid of any other patrons. Masato's reservation was for after hours after all. Before them sat a spread of the highest Japanese cuisine. Ren was eating but Masato wasn't hungry.
"I've only been busy," he answered.
"I know that," Ren replied good-naturedly. "You wouldn't forget about us. I know it."
Masato sighed, "I contacted you because business brought me into Tokyo."
"You don't have to explain. I know why."
Masato pulled his leg back when he felt the nudge of Ren's food against his. He cleared his throat.
"We're good friends," he paused on friends and chanced a glance at Ren to gauge the response. Upon receiving none but the usual gaze he continued. "And I'm sorry I neglected our friendship."
"No need to apologize. The impetus isn't just on you to continue this, you know. I could have called you too if I wanted to meet."
Masato felt a strange stirring in his gut. It was a feeling he recognized immediately as disappointment.
"You didn't wish to meet?" Masato asked and he hoped his feelings didn't register in his voice. Ren would definitely detect it.
"I never said I didn't wish to meet. My work has only brought me to your area the once in the time since our last meeting and you denied it, didn't you?"
It was true.
"It's... the pregnancy and I've been busy with that and-"
He was floundering and he just wanted to be saved from speaking. Ren answered his prayers but the words were no more nicer.
"I have my own life too, you know," Ren countered. "I assure you I'm not sitting by the phone waiting like a dog for your call."
"I never said that you were."
"I'm sure you like to entertain the thought that I am."
And Masato's frown deepened because he never put it on those terms. But yes, yes he did want Ren to be available. He liked being able to rely on him and be with him when he was needed. It was almost like a proper relationship albeit maybe one sided as far as power went. He dictated when they met, where they met and for how long.
"Do you not like being with me?" Masato asked.
"I don't do anything I don't want to do."
Of course Ren didn't. Masato knew that and it gave him hope too that Ren cherished their time together. Ren continued to speak.
"But how long did you want to continue this?"
"Continue what?"
Ren clarified, "This relationship of ours. Pretending that it's just friendship and nothing else."
"But it is," Masato noted the desperate tone in his own voice.
"Really?"
Ren's foot, now free of its shoe traveled against Masato's pants leg and this time Masato didn't pull back. He clutched instead to his chopsticks until his knuckles turned white.
"I'm married. I have a kid, soon to be two, there is nothing else this can be."
"So then why?"
"Why what?" Masato asked ignoring the feel of the socked foot pressing against his inner thigh.
"Why do you insist on coming here? Do you really expect me to hang on forever?"
"No, I-" Masato hesitated unsure of what to say.
He never considered whether Ren would move on and find a true lover of his own. It was only fair if Masato were keeping this as a shallow tryst that Ren would also cut it off as he pleased.
"We're friends. Of course you aren't expected to hang on forever," he said finally.
Ren's foot fell but otherwise nothing changed about his outward mannerisms. No indication that he even cared.
"I have been terrible to my wife; I was overtaken by a bit of guilt. She's already 7 months pregnant, the last we met 5. I thought I should focus on them more and my family rather than-"
"Rather than me."
"R,right," stammered Masato, though he continued on smoothly. "I contacted you tonight because we're friends and I thought that we could continue our relationship amicably. There is nothing to be ashamed about in having a friend."
"There isn't," Ren assented. "So does this mean you haven't rented a room?"
Masato blushed. Of course he rented a room despite his family owning a large place in the city. The color in his companion's face was enough for Ren to understand Masato's true colors and he grinned though it was a bit scary as it didn't mask his displeasure.
"You're such full of shit," he said as he stood.
"Wait," Masato stood as well reaching out for but not touching his partner directly. "You aren't finished eating are you? We still have a lot to catch up on."
Ren glanced at Masato's outstretched arm.
"Let me guess, at your hotel suite, right?"
Masato appeared scolded but Ren only sighed and took Masato's whiter hand.
"Let's go," he consented and pulled him off.
Outside of the restaurant Ren called a cab and then entered. Masato followed wordlessly and sat in the cab glad that Ren didn't complain when he sat too closely. He felt utterly foolish. Naturally he couldn't deceive Ren despite having deceived himself. He was a fool to ever have believed so.
They returned to his hotel and he wanted to make the moment last. Ren had other plans though and began to act aggressively. Masato closed his eyes tightly letting his hands glide through Ren's silky hair. They tumbled onto the suite's couch and saw fit to continue there.
Masato tried not to let himself keep wondering what it could mean. He just let himself indulge in the touch and ignored the way that his heart soared in his chest at the same time as it ached terribly. He told Ren that they were just friends and Ren countered by calling him out on his infidelity and the premeditation behind it. But despite that Ren still was allowing Masato to embrace him and he felt so grateful.
They didn't make love. He wouldn't tell himself that anymore. They were having sex though it was somehow beautiful. As he came down from his high and reluctantly slipped out of his friend's willing body he gave a breathy thank you into his ear. Ren didn't reply.
Pulling off the condom Masato moved to the bed, tossing the used item into the trash can. Ren went to the shower. Masato spread himself against the lush high quality blankets. He could have easily fallen asleep against those beautiful soft cushions but he didn't want to risk Ren leaving as he slumbered. Luckily Ren's noisily exiting the bathroom jerked open his heavy eyelids.
"You're still awake," he said slipping into bed beside his friend.
"I waited for you," Masato said, only realizing belatedly how romantic it could sound.
Ren took it in stride as usual and leaned down to place a kiss against the side of Masato's mouth. Masato's eyes fluttered close and opened when Ren pulled back.
"I'm sorry," Masato uttered.
"Why?"
"I'm sorry if you think I use you. I don't mean to say this is only about sex," Masato said beginning the dinner conversation anew.
Ren sighed and turned his back to Masato, "Let's just forget it. I knew what I was getting into when I started screwing around with a married man. I understand now. You came tonight to break it off. I don't even know what I was expecting."
Masato watched Ren's back sadly for a moment before scooting over and wrapping his arms around Ren's torso. He sat up a bit letting his chin rest upon Ren's shoulder and taking in the smell of the hotel's expensive shampoo. He heard the rumble of Ren's voice through his back as he spoke.
"I went to France last month. You wouldn't have even been able to reach me if you tried. If you never contacted me today you probably would have never known. I wasn't going to tell you."
Masato was unsure how to respond. He decided to go with the standard reply of asking how the trip went.
Ren chuckled, "It was the Tour de France. Pretty impressive, huh?"
"Oh," Masato said curiosity piqued. "I didn't know you liked bicycles."
"That's why it's so funny. I honestly don't care one bit about that kind of thing."
"Then why did you go?" pressed Masato feeling slightly cautious.
"It was important for someone that I be there."
It was vague words, especially for Ren but Masato tried to listen.
Ren sighed, "I really meant it when I said you're not the only one with things going on in their life. I have been busy too. Not just with work. I've been seeing someone."
Masato took in a sharp breath as if stung. His hold on Ren slackened but the idol continued on speaking.
"It wasn't serious at first. But when you didn't contact me all of that time I got to do a lot of thinking and going to France and finally being with Toudou, I mean really being with him without hearing from you at all it just really... He had someone he loved but it didn't work out and I just... I guess somehow we could connect that way."
Ren turned and Masato let him, backing off and giving his friend space.
"If things work out with him then I can't continue this with you."
It was like being slapped in the face and then subsequently being doused with ice cold water. Masato shuddered and then recoiled turning his entire body away from Ren. He pulled the sheet on the bed up higher over his nakedness and he felt shamed to be there and hearing any of it.
"Masato?"
Masato couldn't answer. He couldn't speak. His right hand flew to his chest, grasping at the deep pain there. He bit his lip. Ren might have someone else. The harsh reality stung. He was afraid because he felt like he could just hear the smile in Ren's voice.
"Masato?"
"Why did you even come here?" Masato asked pulling the sheet up further. He wanted to disappear. He wanted to die and he wasn't even sure of the reasons. "Why did you even come?"
"Because you called."
"But if you have someone now why would you come to me?"
Masato wouldn't look at Ren despite asking the question. Instead he sat with his knees pulled up covered by expensive fine blankets. He was afraid to turn and see Ren real and clear as day beside him. He didn't want to validate the conversation despite it being one the pair needed so desperately to have.
"Masato, look at me."
Masato refused.
"Hijirikawa!"
Masato's head snapped up and he was met with Ren's fierce penetrating gaze, calm but with a fire burning within. Masato always wanted so much to touch the flame but never knew how and after that night he didn't know when he'd next be able to try.
Ren looked beautiful with his hair disheveled and damp against his sun kissed skin. Masato wanted to run his fingers over every inch of him so he'd never forget. He imagined reaching out and pressing his fingers against the sides of Ren's neck and running down across his broad shoulders. He wanted to kiss him right where the adam's apple bobbed. He wanted to claim him and lay in their tiny little space forever.
Why couldn't time stop in their rented rooms!?
"Why did you come here?" Masato asked, this time daring to look Ren again and face that burning gaze. "After over 2 months. After France. After you and-"
"I just wanted to see you," Ren interrupted. "I wanted to make certain if my feelings still exist"
Masato was frightened because they already had the same exact conversation years ago but he asked anyway, "And are they? The same."
Ren looked a little sad. It was a sadness only someone who knew him enough to read him could decipher. It was a cooling of that ever present flame deep in his eyes. A melancholy that leaked from his amber core.
"They do."
Masato wanted to break right then but he didn't allow himself. His heart felt about the burst but instead he watched impassively as Ren also gazed at his form. They both sat naked in the bed bare both of their clothing and supposedly exposing too their hearts. Ren's was held out in front of him.
"I love you."
Masato's heart beat loudly in his ears. Too loudly. He felt like he was drowning. He had been worried so much about if Ren liked him and rather than like it was love that spilled forth from his lover's mouth. Ren mistook his silence for something else, perhaps a negative reaction rather than one of excitement for he went on speaking again.
"You have a son and another on the way. You have a wife. I should have never gotten in between that. You are right to end it regardless of my feelings. Even though I... feel the way I do..."
Ren stopped himself and Masato wanted to tell him so bad that he was wrong, so wrong. That they didn't have to end it and he'd been so foolish to suggest that they should. He didn't want to lose him. Not to some cycling guy. Ren wasn't supposed to be with an athlete. Ren was beautiful and sensitive despite his attitude and only Masato as his rival should be able to see that just as Masato hoped that Ren could at that moment hear the way his heart cried out to him. But of course he didn't.
He suddenly remembered everything he ever been through with the man beside him. He recalled the days of their youth playing at different functions due to their family businesses. His mind also painted the picture for him of their time at the academy, auditions, exams, and different preparations leading up to that beautiful day the 6 of them stood on stage together as STARISH. In the beginning of the group they had been inseparable and it was only later the slightly shier Masato made friends with the others in their groups but definitely not without the help of Ren. Ren was always there for catch him and support him through all of their trials and in the 5 years he was with STARISH he had never once truly showed his appreciation for it.
But he did! He appreciated every single bit of it now. The acting tips, the advice about the over-sentimentality of his song lyrics or even the mundane fashion advice Masato had thrown out as useless was precious to him now as a memory. They had tried so many new things together including takoyaki and various other commoner foods. Teasing Ranmaru too was a warm thought.
Even when the others were angry at him after he married Haruka and resigned from the group it was Ren who reached out a hand to him. He was a support he could have even in the outside world when work and company matters grew turbulent. When his dreams of the perfect life with a woman he had until just recently managed to keep deceiving himself he loved were on a day by day basis failing to be realized it was Ren who even lent his support there.
Ren had done so much for him and Masato failed to think of one reason why Ren should love him the way he did. Masato never did nothing. He really did only take. As he sat there stunned without the ability to formulate any articulate thought and fighting back a fresh spring of tears from sprouting from his eyes he wondered how he could be so stupid as not to see the meaning of his own actions and feelings.
He loved Jinguji Ren. It wasn't a matter of sex evoking such an emotional response as he initially chose to believe. He honestly loved Ren from the top of his head to his toes. From the beginning it was Ren and that was why the first kiss had burned him so hotly. It wasn't mere passion that consumed him. Their first coupling was a realization of both of their long pent up feelings and he had degraded them by making them out to be less than what they actually were.
Masato knew then that he had to tell him and nothing could keep him back.
"But you're wrong," Masato finally gathered the strength to say. "Kazuma isn't my son."
He missed the shocked expression on Ren's face at his confession as he had chosen that moment to close his eyes against the tears now falling freely against his damp cheeks.
"Jinguji Ren, I love you too and always have."
-to be continued-
AN* this took forever and it is pretty long. Longer than usual at least. Wow. I hope everyone likes it and thnks everyone who reads and reviews. Thanks for the last review it gave me a bit of inspiration as well to keep writing for this fandom. I am in a rush right now so short AN now haha lucky you. thanks again!