Part Fifty-Five: Boyfriends

I only get a few hours of sleep. I can't sleep thinking about how my boyfriend is now a father. If Mickey and I get married someday, the kid will be mine. I spring up in bed and look at Mickey laying on the floor beside the bed. I touch the side of his head and run my fingers through his hair.

I love you, Mickey. You're so beautiful.

It's still dark out. I dress warmly and head out for a run. I can't stop moving. I have so much energy still that I can't stop moving. I run past Sheila's. I know Frank's in the hospital now. Sheila comes out on her porch and waves at me. I wave back.

I run past Kash 'N' Grab. It's too early for it to open. The sun is starting to rise. I stop running and spin around in the warmth of the rising sun. The way the sun shines on the snow is so beautiful. I shiver, and then start running again.

A woman walking nearby gets catcalled. I run beside her and on the shield her from the men who are harassing her. When we get past them I run on ahead. She nods at me. I keep running until the sun is well overhead then I head home.

The house is still quiet. Everyone is sleeping still. I start going through cabinets to get ready to make pancakes. Mickey comes downstairs in his underwear. He smacks my ass. I lean over and kiss him. I love that we're cohabitating. It's very domestic. Mickey squeezes my biceps and leans in for another kiss.

"Why the fuck are you up so early?" He asks as he starts to make coffee.

"Couldn't sleep. I have way too much energy. So did your wife tell you what your son is called?"

"My wife's name is Svetlana, and I don't give a shit about the kid's name. It's probably not even mine. I only fucked her that one time and I'm not sure I even dropped a load in her."

Mickey doesn't look at me. We both wince at the memory we've tried forgetting. Finally, we look at each other. Mickey nods. I nod. And it's dropped. We won't bring it up again.

"Her name doesn't matter," I say bitterly as I forcefully fling pancake batter on the griddle.

"She doesn't like you either," Mickey says, "Can I smoke in here?"

"I don't care," I tell him. Mickey lights up. "I don't want her to like me. You won't be married forever."

"What do you mean?"

"You were mine before you were hers."

"I'm still yours," Mickey says as I lean down for him to kiss me. When we hear footsteps on the stairs Mickey puts some distance between us. I roll my eyes. He still won't let my family see him for who he really is.

"You're still here?" Debbie asks Mickey.

"Thought you'd seen the last of me?" Mickey asks her handing her the coffee pot.

"I know you're fucking my brother. I'm thirteen, I'm not blind. I know you're the reason he left and I know that you were the one who broke his heart before. I'm gonna say this once, I carry a shiv. You break his heart again and I'll stab you in the eye."

"Noted," says Mickey with a smirk. He looks at me and winks. I want to kiss him in front of my sister. What am I waiting for? I temporarily abandon the pancakes. Debbie takes them over. I kiss Mickey right on the mouth in front of her. "Don't do shit like that."

"You're unbelievable," I tell him.

"If it helps, I think you're a cute couple," says Debbie.

"Thanks, Debs," I tell her. I go back to the stove and kiss the side of my sister's face. Lip comes in carrying Liam. He rubs my shoulders. We used to be close.

"Can we talk for a minute, Ian?" Lip asks. He gives Mickey a less than friendly look and leads me to the living room. "You're my brother and I care about you, but this thing with Mickey isn't healthy. He'll only hurt you again."

"No. It's different this time. He picked me," I tell him. I can't stand still. I sway back and forth as Lip is talking to me. I start picking long dark hairs off his clothes. He must have a new girlfriend or something.

"Ian, I don't want you getting hurt then leaving again."

"It won't happen, Lip."

"He got married and you left, remember?"

"He won't be married forever," I tell Lip. "I'm figuring out a way to get him out of it so he can be free to be with me. So you better get used to having him around. I want him here."

"You're not seriously talking about marriage are you?"

"Maybe," I say.

"Good luck with that," Lip says, patting me on the back. "But consider what I said."

I follow Lip back into the kitchen as Fiona and Carl come down. The whole family is here for breakfast. Everyone I love in the same room. I rub Mickey's head affectionately in front of my family. I try to shovel a forkful of pancake in his mouth but he swats my hand away.

"Don't feed me, I'm not a baby," Mickey says. I look at him and he caves. He opens his mouth to let me feed him. "What the fuck are you staring at, Lip?" I look at Lip who is shaking his head.

"I'm look at this fucking charade. What the fuck? I thought you were a thug and here you are being fork fed by my brother. It's really fucking cute. If only the other Milkovich's could see you."

"I think it's sweet," says Debbie.

"I don't get it," says Carl. "Is Mickey gay?"

"No," says Mickey sternly.

"Hey, let's not discuss this right now," says Fiona. It's a losing battle.

"Are you going to marry Ian?" Carl asks.

"I'm already married."

For now.

"You can't have more than one spouse at a time?" Carl asks.

"No," says Fiona. "Leave the boys alone, Carl."

"Are you the asshole who dumped Ian and made him leave?"

"Yes," says Lip.

"Enough," says Fiona. She shoots me an apologetic look.

"If he's staying in our house I think I deserve to know why," says Carl.

"Wife troubles," Mickey says.

"Your wife is hot, what's not to like?" Carl asks. Fiona has reached a breaking point. She slaps the back of Carl's head gives him some money and sends him to school. Debbie kisses me on the cheek and pats Mickey on the shoulder awkwardly. He waves just as awkwardly. Thanks for trying, Debs.

"Seriously, Mickey, if you break Ian's heart again, I'll break your fucking face."

"You have a problem?" Mickey asks raising his voice.

"Yeah, I do. I have a big problem with guys who string my brother along for almost two years and then break his heart by marrying some Russian chick. You're a fucking asshole and I have no fucking clue what Ian sees in you."

"You don't know anything," Mickey says.

"Stop fucking my brother," Lip says.

Mickey flips Lip off and goes upstairs to get away from him. I would follow but I look at Lip and then at Fiona.

"Mickey chose me, I need you to be okay with that," I tell them.

"I don't have time for this. I have to work," says Fiona. "Go see V later okay."

"So, when I do something you don't like or care about you two just push it to the side? I'm not good enough. You didn't even bother to look for me. You know who did? Mickey. Mickey came to get me. At least he fucking cares," I say.

I storm out. I'm done. I don't want to deal with them anymore. I get half way down the block when a hand links itself with mine. I look over my shoulder at Mickey who has a worried expression on his face.

"Don't leave," Mickey chokes. A single tear has formed in the corner of his eye. I notice his pants are unzipped and unbuttoned and so is his jacket. His shoes are untied. He just ran after me. I stop and straighten up his clothing. I tie his shoes and zip his jacket.

"I'm not leaving. I just needed to get out of the house," I tell Mickey to calm him down.

"I thought—I thought you were leaving again," Mickey says out of breath.

"You came after me?"

Mickey doesn't answer. He's still trying to calm down. I wait for his heart rate to slow down and for him to catch his breath.

"I have a drug deal this morning. When I get back I'm spending the day with you," Mickey says. He shakes as he tries to light a cigarette. I take the lighter from him and light it for him. He smiles at me for a moment.

"I'm coming too," I say.

"Remember the last time you came on one of my drug deals? You almost died," Mickey says.

"But you'll be with me."

"No fucking way. You're not coming," Mickey says.

"Fine," I say walking away from him. I hear Mickey whisper, "fuck" then he catches up with me.

"Wait for me at the Alibi. I will be right there. It won't take me longer than an hour."

"Fuck you," I say, "I can go where I please."

"Ian, don't you fucking dare follow me on this drug deal."

I shrug. Mickey isn't convinced. I follow him to his house where he arms himself. He keeps one on his hip and the other gun he hides on himself. Mandy's large black boyfriend eyes me down.

"Who the fuck are you?" He asks.

"Ian," I say.

"I thought you might be this Lip asshole Mandy used to fuck," says Kenyatta.

"No, he's my brother," I say.

"Did you date Mandy too?"

"I'm dating him," I point to Mickey.

Mickey takes me by the collar and drags me away from the guy. Ryan and Iggy are playing a videogame on the TV in the living room. Mickey sits me down on the couch between them.

"I can't deal with this shit right now," says Mickey.

"I didn't do anything," I say, standing up.

"Stop fucking telling everyone about this," Mickey says motioning between us.

"Newsflash," Ryan says pausing his game, "It's really not a secret."

"Shut the fuck up," Mickey barks, "That argument in your house this morning, you kissing me in front of your little sister and Carl. I'm not ready."

"I'm sorry that I like you and want to show you off. I'm proud of you."

"I can't deal with this right now. I'm late for a drug deal. Stay here," Mickey says.

"Come on, I won't get hurt," I say.

"Okay, Tough Guy, like you weren't almost shot at the last time," Mickey says.

I don't move, "Tough Guy" that's a new one. I like it.

"What am I supposed to do until you come back?" I ask giving him my best puppy eyes.

"Hang out with Ryan," says Mickey.

I want Mickey to at least kiss me good-bye. I lean in, he puts his "fuck" hand up to stop me. I sit back down. Mickey leaves. I sit between Ryan and Iggy and watch them kick the shit out of each other on their videogame a while.

"I'm going in the kitchen," I say. When they're not paying attention I sneak out the door. Kenyatta practically holds it open for me. I know where Mickey does his drug deals. I start to take off in that direction when Mickey comes walking towards his house. He does not look happy.

Mickey looks around and then meets me in a kiss. It's a quick kiss. He hands me a white rose and a box of Reese's Pieces. I take it and look at him. He's blushing deeply. "I got you this too," Mickey says, handing me a card.

"What's this? I thought you were going on a drug deal?"

"Don't think too much of it. It's not an everyday thing. So don't get fucking used to it."

Mickey waits for me to walk back to my house with him. He even holds my hand. I sniff the rose and then kiss him on the cheek.

"Lip's wrong about you," I tell him.

"Don't tell him that, I wouldn't want to damage his giant ass ego."

"You're so fucking cute," I tell him.

"Don't you ever say that to me again," Mickey says defensively. His face is the color of my hair.