This is officially the dumbest thing I've ever written. If you don't like complete foolishness and sugar – intoxicated Spock please do not read! :-)
Lord of The Rings Trilogy + Popcorn
"Captain I confess I am at a loss to understand this apparent tradition of exploding corn kernels to create something apparently edible" says Spock.
"Well I'm at a loss to understand why you thought a popcorn replicator was so vital in the first place adds Bones in something almost like agreement.
"Seriously people – is nobody happy with the popcorn?" sighs Kirk.
"Very much in favour captain!" offers Sulu, cheerfully.
"Popcorn was invented by Russian Grandmothers!" chimes in Chekov, in what Kirk can only assume is agreement.
"Go on Spock you'll love it."
"Sadly it appears too sweet to be –" begins Spock, desperate to avoid this pointless and un-necessary so – called foodstuff.
"Salted!" Kirk grins triumphantly, popping some into Spock's mouth before he can object further. Spock nibbles slowly like a suspicious mouse before his face takes on a quite obviously pleased expression and he sits down contentedly next to Kirk the better to unobtrusively snaffle his popcorn.
Kirk also settles down, somewhat smugly, throwing out a question as to whether or not anyone made it through the whole trilogy of the books, not wanting particularly to admit to or to be the only one. Spock has read the whole thing of course, he announces that he liked it though found the historical style perplexing when it was a fiction not a history and Scotty is just about to chime in that he also read the whole thing when Kirk cuts him off –
"Scotty you don't count – you made it through the whole of Gone with the wind!" Everyone concurs with this in a heckling riot of boos and in throwing popcorn at Scotty with no respect for the poor sap who would have to pick it all up at the end of the night. It is, as usual down to Spock to gently hush them all with the reminder that the film is starting. They have got no further than "I feel it in the water" before Spock's well attuned ears pick up Chekov whispering to someone in the back that he has heard a theory that there is no line of "Lord of the Rings" that cannot be made funnier with the addition on the words "Up my bum". Spock frowns to himself faintly at this, wondering why humans would consider doing this but then finds himself automatically hopelessly doing it for at least the first half hour until Bones replaces this badness in his head by starting in on the comments about Spock and elves. Kirk groans him into silence by complaining about his predictability and somewhere, in a quiet corner of the middle row Scotty wishes to himself with a sigh, that people could be good and not talk during films. An hour later when Kirk and Bones are down a good few drinks and have started singing songs from the 21st century musical adaptation Scotty makes this wish out loud. When it goes unconsidered he joins the captain and the doctor and starts on the Scotch.
Almost two hours later Bones starts to haul himself up from his seat with a mighty groan –
"Good god that has to be the longest piece of tripe I've sat through since "Gone With The Wind!" he announces before making a move to leave.
"Bones where are you going – that was just the first film!"
"Oh god. Dear god no we are not –"
"Oh we are Bones – sit! Popcorn?"
"Damn it Jim I'm so full of popcorn you could prick me and I'll explode. Got any brandy?"
Kirk throws him the spare bottle he brought along in expectation of this event
"I believe I will accept that offer Captain" Spock says, surprising Kirk by leaning over and taking some of his popcorn. Kirk raises his eyebrows but says nothing.
"Just be glad this isn't the extended edition Bones" he adds grinning.
"Extended? From this? Kill me now" Bones howls and three hours later as the final instalment starts finds the doctor half way to curling up in a small ball moaning
"Kill me. Kill me now. Make it stop!" until shortly into the film where he starts frowning at Eomer and nodding to himself announces to the room that –
"By god that man is attractive!"
"Bones how big is your head? He looks like you!" Kirk argues.
"That's ridiculous" Snorts Bones – "He looks nothing like me!"
Meanwhile Scotty tries to hide the fact that the end of the second film has had him tearing up and Spock is quietly becoming more emotionally compromised by Sam's speech about stories than he would like to admit.
When the final three hours have drawn to a close everyone just sits there for several minutes blinking and wondering what happened to their entire night. Nobody speaks until Spock, staring pensively at the blank screen announces, musingly –
"Bilbo"
"What?" Kirk squints at him.
"Bilbo Baggins" Spock says dreamily, smiling faintly.
As the crew slowly leave, shuffling like zombies to their cabins Kirk wonders if he should have told Spock that he had been mixing his salted and sugared popcorns.
_x_
That was officially the stupidest thing I've ever written! I hope someone out there liked it though. I apologise for the anti-popcorn rants I kept slipping into this – I work in a cinema – trust me, there is nothing worse than popcorn!
It is true that there is no line in LOTR that is not made funnier by "Up my bum" though – especially "YOU SHALL NOT PASS". I'm a foolish and puerile child sometimes, yes.
I'll do something more sensible for the next one – um – probably – maybe? – okay unlikely – but I haven't forgotten people's requests, chances are strong towards "Hunger games" or a Miyazaki film! Cast your votes (though I'll do both eventually!)