Part Sixty-Three: Emotional Problems

I've been crying for over an hour. Mickey has been holding me like a baby for forty-five minutes. But I can't seem to stop crying. It's not really his fault. I know he didn't mean it, but he said it and it was hurtful.

In hindsight, I shouldn't have gone over there. That was a mistake. But I thought it might change things. It might make things better. It might make me feel better, but I feel lousy. It didn't help that she was there.

I wanted to see Frank. He was recovering in the hospital. I just wanted to check on him. Even if Frank doesn't mean anything to me it might be nice for him to have a real relationship with Liam someday. It's not too late for him to start. If only he'd stop drinking and be an actual father. I was stupid for ever trying to come over here.

"Hi, Frank," I say holding flowers out to him which Sheila takes. She pats me on the cheek and then squeezes my arm. It's weird how kind she is. I smile at her.

"You're so sweet, Ian," Sheila says. "Frank, Ian's here, and he looks so tall and handsome."

Frank sits up and looks right at me. He doesn't speak to me right away, but I am hopeful. I take the chair beside the bed. Mickey stands behind me with his arms crossed like he's my body guard. Then she comes in. Sammie comes in with her fat son behind her.

"Dad, I brought you some fresh flowers and…why is Ian here?"

"He's Frank's son, Sammie. He's allowed to be here," says Sheila. I'm sensing some hostility between them.

"He is not," Sammie says, she smiles at me then lowers her voice to a whisper, "He is not Frank's son. He's not my brother. Monica had an affair."

"He is Frank's son, Sammie. He's more Frank's son than you are his daughter. Frank might not have been active in Ian's life, but he's his father."

Sheila's on my side. I look up at Mickey. He smiles at me but then resumes scowling at the two women.

"What do you want?" Frank asks me.

"I just wanted to see you."

"Why? You've never cared. You and Lip threw out me countless times, sometimes in the winter when it was cold and I had nowhere to go. I even kept your secret when I caught you with him in that cooler in the Kash 'N' Grab," Frank starts coughing, "And what happened? Your sister changed the locks, and you and your brothers kicked me out. The only one who was nice to me was Carl. He cares. The rest of you I'm done with, especially you. You're not even mine. I'm not obligated to love you."

"Fuck you, Frank," says Mickey in my defense. I am out of that chair and out of the room faster than I have ever moved in my life. I break down in the hallway. Mickey's arms wrap around me. I cling to him. People are probably watching, but I don't care.

So now I'm crying up a storm and I can't stop. I don't know why I even tried. Frank doesn't give a shit about anyone. Sheila rounds the corner, and approaches me. Mickey won't let her get too close. He always does this.

"Ian, Frank didn't mean any of that," Sheila says sweetly.

"Please just go," Mickey says, he strokes my hair as I sob on his shoulder. He holds me like I'm a child, but he never complains about it. He has places he could be right now, but he chose to stand here and hold me. "Hey, look at me," Mickey says. I do. "Why are you so emotional, huh? What's wrong, Tough Guy? It's just Frank. Frank doesn't matter."

"I just thought I would try to make amends," I tell Mickey. He's touching my chin with his thumb, but I'm not sure he realizes he's doing it. I peck him a kiss. He smiles at me. There is that look in his eye that I've always wanted to see. I peck him again.

"Let's forget about Frank."

"Okay."

Mickey and I leave the hospital hand in hand. Anytime someone looks longer than they should Mickey flips them off or leans in to me to show possessiveness. I don't mind. I would rather him care. Mickey and I decide to get hot chocolate and coffee at the Coffee Beanery that Jimmy used to work in.

"Coffee," says Mickey to the girl at the counter. She smiles at him and leans over the counter to expose her cleavage. I look at Mickey, he doesn't seem to notice.

"What kind of coffee would you like?" She asks. She lowers her voice.

"Just coffee," Mickey says, "I don't want any of the fancy bull shit."

"I'll have a hot chocolate," I tell her, but she ignores me. I look at Mickey again. Once again he doesn't notice.

"I'll get that for you," she tells Mickey.

"NO!" I shout putting my foot down hard. Several people jump including Mickey. I knock the coffee out of the girl's hand onto her shirt and take Mickey by the hand. "He's mine," I say to her. I lead Mickey out of the stupid coffee shop then drop his hand and walk off. It doesn't take Mickey long to catch me.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"She was trying to flirt with you."

"Jesus Christ, Ian," Mickey says lighting a cigarette. He presses his forehead against mine for a moment and holds me close to him. "Calm down. What's the matter with you?"

"I just want to make sure you're not going to leave me," I whisper.

"I'm not," Mickey says.

And then I kiss him, full on, mouth to mouth, tongue in mouth groping and grabbing. It's a frisky kiss. Mickey wants it. I can feel it. But we're not in any place where we can do it. Making it back to Mickey's house before we strip each other in public was the hardest thing we've ever done.

Finally, once inside the Milkovich house we get out of our clothes and fall together on the couch in the living room. That's as far as we make it. The sex is good. I keep going, and going and going until Mickey can't go anymore, even though I can. He makes me stop. I hold him against me. I like the way his naked body feels against mine.

"Holy shit," says Mandy walking in. She puts her hand out in front of her to shield our naked asses from her view. "Do that in a bedroom, please."

"What do you say, Tough Guy? Want to take this to my bedroom?" Mickey asks.

I chase him there. We fall onto Mickey's bed. I lie next to him and touch his face with my hand. I stare into his eyes. Mickey's really beautiful. He doesn't see it. I kiss his nose, he smiles. His eyes are so gorgeous. I've never seen a blue quite like that. I kiss his forehead. He grins.

"What are you doing?" Mickey asks.

"Admiring you," I tell him.

"Nope," Mickey says, and we change places, "I want to admire you."

"Do you like the way I look?" I ask him, suddenly feeling self-conscious. Maybe I'm not sexy enough. Maybe I'm not good enough.

"Fucking yes," Mickey says.

I wake Mickey up by bouncing on him. He starts laughing harder than I've ever heard him before. He pulls me down on top of him and runs his fingers along my arm. I look into his eyes. He's smiling, but I just get up and keep bouncing. I jump off the bed and start to dress. Lying down is not an option. For some reason I need to keep going. I need to go home and check on Debbie and Carl and Liam. They're home by themselves. Fiona's in jail and Lip's in college. I need to check on the kids.

"Where are you going?" Mickey asks me.

"I have to check on my brothers and sister," I tell Mickey as I dress quickly.

"Jesus, Ian, come back to bed it's five pm. They're fine."

"I'm just going to go over there. I'll be back."

I peck Mickey a kiss and leave before he can insist on coming with me. Debbie with her "friend" Matt, who is actually a decent guy, because if he wasn't I would have kicked his ass. Carl is moping in the kitchen. I kiss the top of his head. He wipes it off.

"I thought you were living with Mickey," Carl says.

"I am, but I wanted to check on you guys, make sure you had dinner."

"Great, I'm fucking starving," says Carl.

I pull out some skillets and stuff ready to cook when Mickey comes in with two large pizzas and a few bags of Doritos. Fiona would be pissed they're not eating healthy, but I don't think it matters. I frown.

"What?" Mickey asks.

"I wanted to cook for them," I tell him.

"They're fed, get over it."

"You're always doing this, Mickey."

"Always doing what?" Mickey asks, seemingly confused.

"You're always stepping in where you don't belong. I'm fucking sick of it."

I shove him and run upstairs. I sit on my bed with my arms crossed, but sitting still is not an option. I get up and move around. I go down the hall to Fiona's room. I feel like I'm fucking trapped here.

"Ian," says Mickey.

I ignore him. I walk out on the balcony and down the stairs. I walk down the street. I forgot my coat, but I'm not that cold anyway. I just need to breathe.

"Ian," says Tony from his yard. He waves me over. I hesitate and walk over. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, why?"

"You're wearing nothing but a thin shirt and jeans in the snow," Tony says. It's his day off. He's shoveling his side walk.

"I didn't notice," I tell him.

"Come inside and let me get you some hot chocolate."

"No," I say and keep walking. Tony calls after me. I hear footsteps behind me, but I don't look. It's either Tony or Mickey. Why they just go away?

"Ian," says two voices at the same time. I finally stop.

"Put this on," Mickey says throwing my coat at me. It falls on the ground. I don't pick it up. "I'll fucking make you put it on. I'm not afraid." I leave it lie. Mickey shrugs and grabs the coat. He forces me into it. I put up a struggle but he wins.

"You scared the shit out of me," Tony says.

"Why do you care?" I ask stomping my feet. I feel my entire body shaking. I can't do this. I don't want to do this. I just wanted to take care of my family and Mickey had to ruin it.

"Why are you being a little bitch?" Mickey asks.

"Mickey, don't call him a bitch," Tony says.

"Don't fucking tell me what to call my boyfriend. Ian, this is ridiculous. It's fucking cold. Let's go home."

"I'm not going anywhere with you."

"What the fuck did I even do?"

Mickey has desperation in his voice that cannot be denied. I look at him. He really doesn't know. I step close to him. He whispers, "fuck." And I smile. Mickey opens his arms for me.

"For once I wanted to be needed by my family," I tell Mickey breaking down in his arms.

"Fuck them," Mickey says.

"Are you alright now, Ian?" Tony asks. He touches my back and Mickey almost breaks his hand. Tony gets the idea and leaves. I feel Mickey kiss my chin. I nuzzle into him like a cat.

"Don't scare me like this anymore," Mickey demands. "What the fuck is the matter with you? One minute you're happy and the next you're fucking angry. I have no idea which way to turn when it comes to you. Slow down, Tough Guy."

"I like it when you call me that," I tell Mickey.

"Let's go back to your house and have some pizza," Mickey suggests.

Pizza isn't satisfying when I see the looks Debbie and Carl are giving me. They're looking at me like they're expecting me to break or something. I don't like it. I'm not on drugs. Why won't anyone believe me?