Part Sixty-Four: Maybe, I Don't Know

I wake up with Ian's arm around me. I love the way his bare skin feels against mine. I remove his arm so I can sit up. I take a swig of last night's beer. Last night. Last night was fucking amazing.

"I can't believe I'm here with you," I told Ian.

"Are you sure this is what you want?" Ian asked me while fingering my hole. I smiled and gazed into his green eyes.

"I want you," I told him. There was something on my tongue I wanted to say, but I couldn't. It didn't feel like the right time. So I held it in.

That led into some of the greatest fucking ever. Now Ian is sleeping beside me in my big bed. I look at his sleeping form. Fucking beautiful. Like a fucking angel. I touch his hair gently so I don't wake him and run my thumb over the skin of his forehead.

I am out of cigarettes. Fuck. I wanted to stay in bed with Ian a little longer. I get up and put on my pants. The house is quiet. The fucking baby must be sleeping, finally. He cries a lot.

"So you are rainbow boy now?" asks Svetlana. I didn't even fucking see her when I walked into the dining room. Her hair is orange.

"What the fuck did you do to your hair?"

"You wear pink sweaters and stink of man perfume now?"

"I look shitty in pink," but the only man perfume I smell like is Ian's and that doesn't fucking bother me. That asshole smells fucking amazing.

I try to light my fucking cigarette, but the lighter isn't cooperating with me. Svetlana opens her robe. I do a double take. She's wearing a long strap on dick and she's completely naked. I could fucking puke.

"What the fuck?"

"You like the penis yes?"

"Not when there's tits directly above it."

"You want it up in your poop place?"

What the fuck is she doing? Fuck. I fucking hope Ryan doesn't fucking walk in, or even Ian. Especially not Ian.

"I want you to put it away," I hold out my hand in front of me to block it from view. "Can't you put that away? Put that fucking thing away. Please."

She takes it off and closes her robe. What the fuck? "Thank you."

"You love him?" Don't ask me that. I've been wracking my fucking brain over that since I fucking got him back.

"Maybe, I don't know." Yes, I think I do. Fuck.

"Because he has a real penis?"

"Yeah, I guess," So much more than that. I'm fucked. Really fucked.

"I hate the penis," Svetlana says. This is the first time we've had a civil conversation in ages. I'm actually not fucking surprised she hates the penis. "Ugly fucking skin stick." She obviously hasn't seen Ian's. His dick is fucking freckled. "Always trying to get in where it doesn't belong. You like boys. Maybe I like girls. No penises staring at you hoping to explode like sticky volcano. America land of choices, yes?" She hands me coffee. "Freedom to be me, freedom to be you. McDonald's and Burger on same block. You choose." Is she saying being gay is a choice? I didn't fucking choose this. Yeah, I fucking chose to be something that would cause me fucking pain. "One. Both. Shit maybe we go to Wendy's instead."

"You're a lesbian?"

"Maybe yes, maybe no. Choice." I fucking disagree, but I'm not going to argue. The only choice I made was coming out and being openly with Ian. She can go fuck herself.

She spouts off some bull shit about the baby not having a choice and how I should take more care of him. Fuck her. When she leaves I pass the baby off to Mandy and get dressed for the day. Ian is still sleeping when I come back in.

"Hey, man, it's noon. Rise and fucking shine, Cinderella." I throw open the curtains and watch Ian move like a little cockroach in a corner of the bed that the sun isn't shining on. He should be fucking getting up. "I'm heading to Tommy's to get a dog." I smack his ass. "Mandy said she'd watch the baby meat for a while. "Yo, Sleepy face. Get your ass up man. Time to roll."

Ian mumbles something I don't catch but just rolls over. What is this? Playing hard to get? I crawl into the bed. "What was that, Mumbles?" I smack his knee and crawl toward him. "Come on, get up. I'm buying." He doesn't speak. He has the cover pulled up over his head. Ian? "Hey, are you okay? Feeling sick or something?" I pull the cover down a little.

"Leave me alone," Ian says.

"Alright, you want me to bring you back something to eat?" No answer. "Alright man, go fuck yourself. Sleep all day see if I care."

Mandy is standing next to the door. "Is he okay?"

"Who the fuck knows?"

Ryan is at the Alibi when I get there. I wanted to spend the fucking day with Ian but he won't get out of bed. I sit down on my usual stool at the bar. Tommy makes an off-hand joke about my sexuality. He takes it back, but I get ready for a fight. Ryan is up and out of his seat, I'm not sure if he's doing it to back me up or if he wants to stop me from hurting anyone.

"Have a seat, Mickey," says Kev, "No one gives a shit who you bang." I sit down slowly. I want to run away screaming, but this is different. This isn't how everyone was supposed to be reacting. They're not supposed to be supportive. I look at Ryan he nods me over.

"See, Mick, no one cares that you're with Ian. Don't be so jumpy," Ryan says. "Where is your husband anyway?"

"Fucking sleeping. I couldn't get him out of bed."

"It's the middle of the fucking day," Ryan says.

"I know, but he told me to go away."

"Are you worried?"

"Nah, he's probably sick or something. I'll swing by and check on him later. Mandy's there with him."

"You really are his fucking husband," Ryan says.

I don't let it bother me. Why should I? Ian's important. I try to listen to what Ryan is saying about his new girlfriend or some bull shit, but I can't focus. My knee is bouncing uncontrollably and am I tempted to steal Ryan's fucking phone to call Ian. I can't even drink my beer.

"Just go check on him," Ryan says.

"What?"

"You're distracted, Mick, go check on Ian."

"Fuck him," I say, finally taking a sip of my beer.

"Mick," Ryan says, taking the beer from me. "Go check on Ian."

"Fuck off," I tell him.

"Seriously, I will kick your ass out of my bar if you don't go check on him," Kev says coming over to my table. "Boys."

Tommy and the three biggest men in the bar physically lift me by my arms and throw me out of the bar. Ryan comes out of his own free will carrying my coat. He hands it to me.

"Come on, Mick, I'll go with you."

"Wait, I have to get something first," I tell Ryan. We walk toward the Kash 'N' Grab. I sigh before I go in. I have a lot of memories of this place. Most of them were of secret moments with Ian in the back room and the cooler, just us. I can't help but smile. Linda is running the register. She shakes her head when I walk in.

"Where's your boyfriend?"

"He's sick or something," I tell her, "Do you have any Reese's Pieces in stock?"

"For you, Mickey, always," Linda says, she winks and hands me the biggest fucking box she has and take a rose out of a vase that is sitting on the counter. "I assume these are for Ian."

"Could I get some cheese?" Ryan asks. I look at him. "What? I love cheese."

Linda slices up Ryan some fucking cheese and we both pay and leave. How Linda got a fucking rose in the middle of fucking winter is beyond me but I think this is just the thing to make Ian feel better. Hopefully, he's out of bed by now.

But he isn't. Mandy said he hasn't gotten out of bed all day. It's after five. He's still exactly how he was when I left him. My heart drops into my feet. Mandy takes the rose and puts it in water for me.

"I'll give you a minute," says Ryan, rubbing my shoulder.

"Yo, it's after five you trying to set some kind of record?" I say to Ian. He doesn't even act like he knows I'm fucking here. I pick up a pillow and toss it at him. "You're not still sleeping get up."

"Leave me alone," Ian says.

"Ian, are you high, did you take something?" Please be drugs. Please be drugs.

"Go away," Ian whispers.

"Do you want me to call the club at least and tell them you won't be in?"

"Jesus leave me alone!" Oh fuck. Fuck. Something's wrong. This isn't sick. My heart is fucking pounding. Something is wrong with Ian. I back out of the room slowly and meet Mandy and Ryan in the hallway. "What the fuck is wrong with him?" I stare back at him for a second before I shut the door.

"Mickey, what are you going to do?" Ryan asks.

"I'm going to fucking get Lip and bring him over here," I say.

"You hate Lip," Ryan says.

"Shut the fuck up and stay here. I need," I say, I can't catch my breath. Mandy rubs my arm. "I need one of you to stay here. I just—I just need someone I trust to stay with him."

"Yeah, man, we'll stay," says Ryan. Mandy nods.

It feels like it takes fucking forever to get to the Gallagher house. My heart is about to jump out of my chest. This isn't what I wanted. Oh fuck. God, hopefully Lip is home. I knock. No answer. I knock harder. I will fucking knock until someone answers, or I'll break the goddamn door down.

Carl answers, "Hey, your brother here?"

"I thought he was staying with you."

"Nah, come on man, the other one. Lip."

"College."

"Fuck." I about to burst into fucking tears. I guess I could bring Carl. He might know. I wanted fucking Lip.

"Something wrong?" Carl asks. Would I fucking be here if everything was okay?

"Come with me," I tell him.

"What's going on?" Debbie asks.

"I don't know. It's Ian, please," I beg. Debbie doesn't hesitate. She grabs her coat and Liam and they dress for the cold and follow me.

Ryan meets me by the door, "I called the club and told them Ian's not coming in."

"Thanks," I bypass Ryan and lead the brats to my bedroom. I open the door. Ian is lying exactly as he was the blanket around his hips. His tattoo is exposed. Hopefully these kids can figure out what the fuck is wrong?

"Ian," Debbie says softly. Please fucking work. Please get him up. "Ian, you alright? Ian, it's Debbie."

"Go away," Ian whispers. And there my heart fucking breaks. No. You can't be broken. Ian. Fuck. You're not allowed to be broken. Fuck you.

Svetlana is looking at me. She looks concerned. Whatever, she doesn't even fucking like Ian. .

"Do you know what this is?" I ask Debbie.

"Yeah, we know what this is," Debbie says. We step away from the doorway. I look back at Ian before I shut the door. I follow Debbie and Carl into the living. Fucking Kenyatta is sitting at the table eating a sandwich. Ryan is holding Yev, and Svetlana has Liam.

"Well what the fuck is it," I ask.

"I can't be certain," Debbie says.

"Well what the fuck do you think it is?"

"Mickey, calm down," says Mandy.

"Fuck you. I'm not calming the fuck down until I know what the fuck is going on."

"Let's see what happens tomorrow, Mickey. He might pull out of it," suggests Debbie, but the look on her face has me fucking worried. I don't stop her and Carl from leaving. This was a fucking bust.

"Mickey," says Ryan, trying to talk me down. I flip him off and go into my bedroom. I slam the door shut. I sit on the bed beside Ian.

"You don't have to talk to me, but I'm going to fucking sit here," I tell him. No response. He just wiggles into a burrito of blankets and ignores me. I touch his hair. He mumbles something. Please be okay. Fuck. It's always one fucking thing after another.

"Mick, Ian, you hungry?" Ryan asks from the other side of the door, "I ordered pizza."

"Fuck off," I tell him. I take off my pants and get under the covers with Ian. I want to touch him, but I probably shouldn't. If you tell me what's wrong maybe I can fix it. I can try to make it go away.

I don't know when sleep came but it hit me hard. I woke up early to see if Ian moved, but he didn't. He's still wrapped up like a burrito. I kiss his shoulder and look at him. His eyes are wide open but he's not responsive.

"Ian, do you want something to eat?"

Mumbles. That's all it fucking is. I've had it with his mumbles.

"Where's my chatterbox, huh?" I tease. He rolls over and buries his face in my pillow. My heart is breaking again.

"Mick, Fiona is here," Mandy says.

"What's going on?" Fiona asks, "Debbie and Carl looked really scared. When they mentioned something was with Ian I thought maybe he ran off again."

"I wish," I say. No I don't.

"Come look at him," I tell her.

"You look like shit," Ryan says.

"Don't fucking start," I tell him. I lean against my bedroom door while Fiona talks to Ian.

"Are you hungry? I'll make you sandwich. Or I can get my sneakers and we can go for a run at the track. You want to go for a run and get some fresh air? What do you say?" She rubs his shoulders and then kisses him but he doesn't respond.

"Okay," Fiona says. She gives up and comes out. We shut the door to my room to give Ian some space. My heart is in there. I can feel it. I need to be with him. I need to be in there with him not out here. "How long has he been like that?"

"Since yesterday morning."

"And he hasn't gotten out of bed?"

"No. He's just sleeping, I can't get him up. I tried."

"Yeah, me too," says Mandy.

"What about before? What was he like?"

"Before he was he was fine he was happy, staying up all hours of the night, dancing, telling fucking jokes. He kicks my ass every day I can't keep up with him."

"We gotta get ahold of Lip. He should know," Fiona says.

"Know what? What's wrong with him?"

"Depression, I think."

"He's depressed. We all get fucking depressed. How the fuck could we not living around here?"

"It's not that kind of depressed okay? Look, I could be wrong but it could be bipolar disease like our mom."

"Bi-bi what? What the fuck is that?"

"It's manic depression, Mick," says Mandy.

"It's like high highs followed by low lows over and over again. We'll get him an appointment at the clinic and we'll see what they say," Fiona says. Fuck.

"No. No, look he's low we cheer him up."

"It's not like that. He might have to be hospitalized."

"What do you mean—like a psych ward? No fucking way. No fucking way. He's staying here." You're not taking him from me. No one is ever taking him from me. Back off, bitch.

"He could end up suicidal."

"Then we hide the knives until he perks up." I fight the tears that want to come gushing out. Not in front of them. "I can-I can take care of him. Okay. Let me take care of him until he's better."

"It could be weeks. It's mood swings, okay, it's almost impossible to handle."

Now she's pissing me off. I need a fucking cigarette but I'm shaking so hard I can't light it.

"Don't fucking tell me what's impossible. We're taking care of him here. You, me, us. He's fucking family." I can't look at her right now. I walk away. If I don't they're going to see me cry.

"I have to get to a meeting. We'll call Lip and let him know what's going on," Fiona says.

"He's not going to some fucking nut house. You hear me? He stays here. He's staying with me." I just got him back and they want to take him away again. No. No one is ever taking him away from me again. I can take care of him. I will fucking take care of him.

"Mick," says Ryan.

"Let it be, Ryan," Mandy says.

I push the door of my bedroom open. I get a chair from the kitchen and carry it to my room. I don't care if everyone is staring at me or fucking not. I slam the door shut and place my chair where I can see Ian.

I love you, Tough Guy. You know that?

A/N: AAAAAND we're on official hiatus until January 13 (or sooner if they release the first episode on demand like I hear they did with season 4). So this is it for now of A Tale of Two Boys, but fear not I will be prompt with a fresh Ian chapter as soon as season 5 airs.

I wanted to say, I used most of the dialogue directly from the episode. It's beautiful dialogue and it needed to be added. Also, Mickey's love declaration at the end is in his mind. He hasn't said it to Ian in canon yet so he's only saying it to himself in my story, because I want Mickey to realize that he does love him.

Also, and I'm rambling. I am not going very far, I have some exciting stuff for you. More Little Leaguers and Precious Boy on the way, plus a surprise Fic I'm planning and a couple Xmas fics. Thank you for your continued support. See you in January.