Part Sixty-Six: Into the Inferno

Ian is awake and staring at me in bed. He won't quit looking at me. I close my eyes to try to stop him from looking at me, but when I open them he's millimeters from my face. He rubs his nose against mine and smiles. A smile forms on my face and it's out of my fucking control. It's a full smile with my teeth and everything.

Ian turns it into a game. He tries to get me to smile like that again. I pretend to put up a fight, but I can't stop smiling. Fuck you, Tough Guy. Ian leans in close to me and I can almost hear his heart beating or is that my heart. Fuck.

"You smiled, I win," Ian says.

"I let you win," I tell him.

"Did you?" Ian asks as he kisses my neck and then my shoulder.

"Fuck off," I tell him. I push him down and kiss his neck. Ian let's me win this time. I sniff his neck. He smells fucking amazing. I lick him. It's not something I've ever done. But I can't stop myself. Ian responds to it. I do it again.

"You're going to help me with this problem aren't you?" Ian asks.

I kiss down his body. I take him in my mouth as best I can. It's not easy to take a dick that fucking big all at once. When Ian comes I swallow and then kiss his thigh. His thighs are white, freckled, and muscled; I kiss the right one then the left and run my hands over his hips to feel the muscles there.

"Since when are you this into my body?" Ian asks.

"I don't have to fucking answer you," I tell him as I circle his belly button with my finger. I like the little red hair leading down from his navel. It's so Ian. "Since you fucking entered my bedroom with a tire iron." It was the truth. He deserved to know.

Now he's smiling with his whole face. That motherfucker's dimples are making my heart thud like a gong. "That's exactly the same as me. I've been yours since the beginning. Fuck Kash and Ned. It was you," Ian says.

Fuck, I love you. It's not the right time to tell him, that or I'm a fucking pussy. Someone knocks on our door. I groan loudly. "FUCK OFF OR DIE!"

"Frank Gallagher is here," says Ryan from the other side of the door.

"What the fuck does he want?" Ian and I say at the same time.

We bump heads scrambling to get up. I put on Ian's shirt by mistake. It's really big on me. I take it off and hand it to him. He kisses me quickly as he zips his pants. I hold Ian's hand. He smiles at me. Ryan smiles at me, and I flip him off with my free hand. We made up like I promised Ian, but the dick still teases me so I still flip him off.

"What do you want, Frank?" Ian asks.

"I was wondering if I could crash here for a couple of days. Your sister changed the locks."

"Remember what you fucking said to him at the hospital?" I ask before Ian can answer. Ian's too nice. This isn't a time for nice. This is a time for kicking Frank the fuck out.

"I was drugged up," Frank says.

"You're always drugged up, Frank," Ian says.

"Want me to make him leave?" Iggy asks cocking his gun and pointing at Frank's dick.

"It's your call, man," I tell Ian.

"If he stays a couple nights it'll turn into three then four then he'll make excuses why he can't leave."

Ian grabs his arms, I grab his legs, and Ryan holds the door. We toss him out. I look at Ian. He looks okay. He looks calm. I continue to look at him until he kicks the fucking door and I jump about a foot. He's not okay. Fuck.

"I hate him," Ian says.

"So, do you want pancakes?" Ryan asks to defuse the bomb. It works. Why was I ever fucking mad at you? Ian grins and his happy switch is flipped. He practically skips to the fucking table. I make eye contact with Ryan and nod.

"Banana pancakes! I love banana pancakes," Ian and I say at the same time without meaning to. We receive weird looks from everyone including my fucking wife. She rolls her eyes.

"You two are fucking married," Iggy says digging into his pancake like he's pig. I try to have some manners around Ian. He had Fiona to correct him when he was eating too sloppily.

"I hope so one day," Ian says as if it's the most casual thing in the fucking world. I feel every eye in the room on me again. The blood is rushing to my face. Fuck.

"Who would take whose name?" Ryan asks, going along with Ian. I shake my head. He smirks evilly.

"I would take Mickey's name, obviously. Hyphenating would be a hassle we both have long names," Ian says, "Ian Milkovich sounds better than Mickey Gallagher."

My mouth drops open. He's given this a lot of fucking thought. What goes on in that beautiful head of his? It must be a fucking jungle up there.

"Can we change the subject?" Mandy asks.

"Please," I say.

"So I stole some dude's wallet while I was at Wal-Mart yesterday. I totally bought like four cartons of cigarettes," says one of my idiot cousins who dropped by for a free meal. "And he has a hot wife." He shows the picture around the table.

"Anyone we know?" Ian asks over his third helping of banana pancakes.

"Fuck. Yes," I hold the picture up for him. It's Fiona. "Whose wallet was this?" Ian and I ask at the same time without meaning to. My cousin slides the wallet over.

"Jimmy Lishman," Ian says with a smile. He hands the wallet back.

"Who's Fiona?" asks the cousin.

"My sister," Ian says.

"Your sister is hot."

I should smack the shit out of him, but Ian doesn't seem bothered by it. Fiona is pretty, he must realize it. Ian shovels pancakes onto his fork and holds the fork up to me. I hate being fed, but Ian seems to want to do it so I let him. He smiles. I fucking melt.

"Aren't they precious?" Ryan asks.

I flip him off. He laughs.

"I'm going to shower," Ian says suddenly. He jumps up, kisses the top of my head and exits the room. I dare anyone to comment. They know where their place is when it comes to suggestions about Ian; their place is to shut the fuck up. I don't want their opinions.

"Are you coming back to work?" Svetlana asks.

"Yes," I tell her.

Ian is done showering when I enter the bathroom. He's brushing his teeth and humming. He's fucking humming? He admires his tattoo on his hip in the bathroom mirror. I admire it too when he's not paying attention. "I'm thinking about dying my hair."

"Don't you fucking dare," I tell him.

"Red is so ugly," Ian says.

"Hey, hey," I say looking for his line of sight. I find it and make his eyes meet mine. I place my hand on his chin. "What's this about, Ian?"

"Frank," Ian says.

"Fuck Frank," I say as I turn on the water and step into the tub. Ian hangs out next to the shower. I'm going to kill Frank.

"He's my dad," Ian says.

"No he's not," I tell Ian. "You did the right thing."

"Hey, so, since you're working and Svetlana is working can I baby-sit Yev?" Ian asks.

Fucking mood swings. Fiona said this was a side effect of that thing. What was it? Bi something or other. Bi-Bi bipolar, I think. Who the fuck knows? Ian says he doesn't have it. I want to believe him, but something is wrong. He's not the same Ian who charged into my room with a tire iron to get the gun back. He's not the same Ian who my dad walked in on me with. He's different.

"Yeah," I say half-heartedly. He pecks me a kiss and leaves the bathroom. I can't help feeling like I did this. I made him like this by rejecting him. He ran away because of me. He joined the army because of me. Fuck.

I dress for work. Ian is feeding Yev. Svetlana is fussing over him, giving him orders and telling him how to raise a fucking child. "He fucking knows all of that," I tell her.

"You hurt baby, I hurt you," Svetlana tells Ian and she leaves.

"Don't worry, I'll be here all day," Ryan whispers to me. I look over at Ian. He's making faces at Yev, so I step out of earshot with Ryan while I button my shirt. "I know you're concerned, Mickey."

"Something is wrong with him, Ryan."

"Change your mind about taking him to the clinic?"

"Fuck no."

"Jesus, Mickey, you have to do something."

"No one is fucking taking him," I say. I walk away before Ryan can ask stupid fucking questions that I don't want to fucking answer. I walk away. I don't have to fucking explain a fucking thing. No one needs to know anything.

"Micks," Ryan says, "Is that why you came out in the Alibi? Ian threatened to leave you and you chose to keep him. Holy fuck, why didn't I see it before? You're afraid of losing him."

"You don't know shit," I tell Ryan. "Fuck off."

"What's going on?" Ian asks suddenly looking up from Yev.

"Nothing," I say. I finally leave without so much as a bye or kiss to Ian. He doesn't seem to notice.

I throw out some asshole that refuses to pay one of my whores. Another guy is trying to stick his prick where it doesn't belong. I grab him back the neck. "Get the fuck out." But I can't stop thinking about Ryan's words. Fuck yes, I'm afraid of losing Ian. He's the most important person in my life. Fuck. I'm so fucked.

In the middle of my shift, Ryan comes into the Alibi. He's huffing and puffing and very obviously out of breath. He bends over when he gets inside as he tries to catch his breath. He holds up his hand.

"Ian is gone."

"What?" I ask. Fear washes over me. I know the color is drained from my face. My heart has stopped beating. I walk up to Ryan and make him look at me. "What the fuck do you mean Ian is gone? WHERE THE FUCK DID HE GO?"

"I don't know. He said he was going to the mailbox and then never came back. He has Yev with him."

"How long ago was this?"

"A couple hours," Ryan says.

"A couple—and you're just now fucking telling me? Give me your phone."

I have Ian's number memorized. I could recite it backwards.

"Won't do. He didn't take his phone." I throw Ryan's phone against the wall and it shatters. "What the fuck? I used three pay checks to buy that. You're an asshole."

"Shut the fuck up."

I leave. I have to find Ian. The first place is go is home. Ian's not there. I search every fucking room twice. I go to the Gallagher house. I knock. No answer. I knock again. No answer. I'm getting fucking tired of this bull shit. I try to pick the lock but my hands are shaking so bad I can't so I do the next best thing. I use all my weight to knock the fucking door down.

"What the fuck, Mickey?" Fiona asks.

"You didn't answer the door."

"I thought you were Frank. I hoped you'd go away."

"Fuck. I'M NOT FUCKING FRANK. FUCKING ANSWER YOUR FUCKING DOOR!"

"Why are you shouting?"

"Is Ian here?"

"No. I haven't seen him since yesterday."

"FUCK!"

"Is he missing?"

"Would I break down your fucking door if he wasn't?"

"I'll call Carl and Debbie and tell them to start looking. Where did you last see him?"

"At home this morning. He has Yevgeny with him. Ryan said Ian went to the mailbox and disappeared. He doesn't have his phone with him."

"Calm down," Fiona is rubbing my arm as she rapidly calls someone on her phone. The next moment Officer Tony comes in and so does Veronica. "V, I need you to watch Liam. Tony, I need your help."

"Mickey, where have you looked for Ian?" Tony asks.

"Here and my house. I'm on my way to check a few places though."

I don't linger. I leave the Gallagher house the second Fiona suggests I team up with Tony. Fuck no. I ain't working with no fucking cop especially not one who's ass Ian likes.

I go to the Kash 'N' Grab. Linda hasn't seen Ian. He hasn't been in. I go to our Wendy's. He hasn't been in. I go to the club. He's not there. I stop in the middle of the street and try to think. Where would Ian go?

Our spot. I break into a run. I need to quit smoking. The abandoned buildings. There is wrecking equipment outside. They're going to demolish them after years. I frantically begin searching and hollering Ian's name. No answer. No sight of Ian. He's not here.

I go to the little league field. He's not at the dugout. I go to our favorite sets of broken down cars under the L, Ian's not there. I'm losing my fucking mind. A cop call pulls up. Tony gets out. He walks over to me.

"We found him," Tony says.

"Where?"

"He was taking Yev to meet a friend of his on the north side, some older guy named Ned or something."

Jesus, Ian. What the fuck? I breathe a sigh of relief.

"Where is he now?" I ask.

"He's at the Gallagher house with your son. I figured that was the best place for him. He's still a minor so we returned him to Fiona. She's his legal guardian. Your wife is illegal, and I'm not one to report someone with kids, so I wanted to contact you to claim your child."

"Fuck," I say. I should thank Tony, but I don't have it in me. He takes me back to the Gallagher house. I run inside and throw myself in Ian's arms. He wraps his arms around me and kisses me on the chin.

"What's wrong, Mickey?"

"Where the fuck—I've been worried—Fuck off," I tell him.

"I'm fine."

"You scared us to death," Fiona says.

"You have nothing to worry about. Why does everyone act like I'm a child? I'm not. I'm seventeen and I can go places and visit people on my own."

"Ian," Fiona says, "We thought you pulled a Monica."

"I'm not Monica. I'm not bipolar. Why does everyone keep saying that?"

"Ian," I say.

"I'm not crazy," Ian says.

I look at Fiona. She looks at V, everyone is looking at everyone except Ian. I kiss Ian on the top of his head. I wish I knew what was going on in that brain of yours. I kiss him again. He leans against me.

"You believe me, don't you?" Ian asks me.

"I believe you're not crazy," I tell him. But I don't believe you're okay. I don't believe you're not whatever the fuck bipolar is. I know you're not crazy. "I'm going to take you home."

"This is his home," Fiona says, "He is better off here."

"Why? So you can lock him up so he can't get out or ship him off to some fucking nut house? No fucking way."

"I'm not crazy," Ian repeats in a voice so innocent my heart breaks.

"He's coming home with me," I tell her, "Or I'm staying here too."

"Fine. You can stay too. You can sleep in Lip's room until we put Ian's bed back together."

"Are you sure about this?" Ian asks.

"I go where you go," I tell him and give him a kiss in front of everyone.

He's not going anywhere without me.