Part Sixty-Eight: Finding It's Home

I am forced awake in the middle of the night by Carl Gallagher. He's kicking me with his foot. I roll over. Ian's not in my bed and my suddenly I feel sick to my stomach. This is about Ian, isn't it? I sit up slowly and adjust my eyes.

"What the fuck?" I ask.

"Something's wrong with Ian," Carl says.

"I fucking know," I say.

"No, I mean, right now. He's…just come with me," Carl says.

Ian is in kitchen frantically smashing all the food. The fridge and cabinet doors are wide open. Ian is holding a hammer and has various blunt objects arranged on the counter top. He has a strange look on his face.

"Ian," I say slowly, "What the fuck are you doing?"

"The food is bad. We can't eat it."

"Ian, the food is fine, we ate it for dinner."

"No. It's got something wrong with it," Ian says.

"I'm getting Lip," Carl says.

"Ian," I say putting my hand on his back. He pours Fiona's stew in the sink and moves on to the frozen meat in the freezer. "Why do you think the food is bad?"

Ian doesn't answer, but I think I hear him mumble something about someone coming in the house and poisoning the food. I try to get him to drop the hammer but he won't. He elbows me in the stomach.

Kev (Who's still crashing in the Gallagher house) and Lip restrain Ian while Fiona begins to clean up his mess. V comes running with a baby on each hip. Everyone in the house is awake apparently. I have only seen that look in Ian's eye once and that was when he almost stabbed Kenyatta.

"Hide the knives and anything sharp," Fiona orders Debbie, "Carl, put your weapons and your stash away. V, go through Ian's stuff and make sure he doesn't have any drugs hidden."

"No fucking way. You're not invading his privacy." I have to put my foot down. They're not doing that to Ian. Not on my fucking watch.

"Stay out of this, Mickey."

"Let go of me," Ian says struggling to get lose. He punches Kev in the throat the way he had done me that time I beat the shit out of the geriatric he had been fucking. Kev let's go of Ian and starts choking. Ian punches Lip and gets free. He comes to stand next to me. I can see him shaking. That look is still in his eye.

"Ian, you have to get help," Fiona says sounding defeated.

"There's nothing wrong with me," Ian insists. My heart is pounding so hard I can hear it in my head. I'm shaking now. This is fucked up. Ian is fucked up. No, Ian's not fucked up. Ian is broken.

"Let's take him to that place where Monica was," Lip says, "We can take him right now."

"Whoa, whoa, wait," I say, "You're taking him away?"

"He needs help, Mickey," Fiona says.

I look at the faces of all the Gallaghers. They seem to agree. They want to send Ian away like he's nothing. They want to let someone else handle it. They're giving up on him. Ian looks confused and hurt and scared. They're not taking him.

"No. No. Let me take him back to my house. He did better there. You'll see."

"Take these," Lip says tossing a pill bottle at Ian. He doesn't catch it. I bend over to pick it up. Lithium. They're giving him someone else's meds. Who the fuck knows what this will do to him?

"There's nothing wrong with me," Ian insists, but his voice sounds uncertain. He's shaking harder than ever.

"I get a fucking say in this too," I say once again bringing up the fucking argument that has never been settled. I am sick and fucking tired of having this same fucking argument, but we have never settled anything.

Sometime when I was talking Ian had gone upstairs. No one noticed. He's been doing that a lot lately, sneaking out. I want to run up after him, hold him, fucking love him, but my feet won't move. Debbie, Carl, and Lip all go up. Kev and V return to their home. Kev apologizes. I think he's tired of the drama. I don't fucking blame him.

"Your heart is in the right place, Mickey," Fiona says, "But I still don't trust you."

"Can I take him to my home?"

"Yes. We'll keep his bed this time and you both are welcome anytime, but I don't want a call in the middle of the night telling me he ran off again or did something crazy like tonight."

"He's not crazy."

"He's bipolar, there's a difference, but right now I want to stabilize my little brother. There was a time when Ian was my rock. He was the stable one in the family. I don't know what happened."

I happened. This is my fault.

"Is there a cure?" I ask.

"For bipolar? No. It's a mental disease, Mickey. It can't be cured. It can be treated. If you want to know more about it I suggest you read about it."

"Are you ready to go?" Ian asks from the stairs. He's carrying his bags and mine. Lip doesn't look happy.

"You're seriously letting him go?" Lip asks Fiona.

"For now," says Fiona embracing Ian. That's what he needs. He needs her to love him. He needs reassurance that his family loves him. I can't give him that.

"Are we still going to the zoo?" Ian asks.

"Yeah, it's supposed to be seventy this weekend," says Lip.

Ian and I hold hands on the walk back to my place. I'm not fucking letting go. He feels like he's calming down some. We don't speak much, except when I light a cigarette and he asks for one. He's probably fucking stressed, I don't blame him for wanting to pick it up again, but I don't let him have it. He quit.

Ryan is sitting on the couch in his boxers eating Cheetos and playing videogames with Iggy when we come in. Mandy is still up doing the dishes.

"Where've you been?" Svetlana asks. She's wearing her robe. Her hair is still fucking red from when she dyed it to get me to like her more.

"Where he belongs," Ryan answers.

"I'm going to bed," says Ian. He doesn't kiss me or look at me. He just walks like a fucking zombie to my bedroom and shuts the door.

"What's wrong with him?" Ryan asks.

"How the fuck should I know?"

"Fiona kicked you out didn't she?" Iggy asks.

"No. We left. Ian kind of lost his shit," I say drinking half the beer at once.

"What?"

"He destroyed all the food in the fucking house claiming it was poisoned or some shit."

Now they're staring at me. Ryan drops his Cheetos.

"That's some crazy shit. Get out while you still can," says Iggy. I pick up the empty beer bottle and nearly hit him with it. Ryan and Mandy stop me.

"He's not crazy."

"Sorry," says Iggy.

Ian is making breakfast and dancing like nothing ever happened. He is wearing his running pants. He must have already gone for his run this morning. Ian kisses me and returns to breakfast. Kenyatta is sitting at the table reading the newspaper. I want more than anything to take a knife and jam it in his fucking eye. Ryan said Kenyatta and Mandy were arguing a lot yesterday.

"I am going back to work tonight," says Ian putting a plate of eggs in front of me. He pours me some coffee and starts cooking for Mandy.

"Where the fuck is my breakfast?" Kenyatta asks Ian.

Ian flips him off. I smirk. That's my Ian.

"Bitch," Kenyatta says as he stands up. I am on my feet faster than I have ever moved in my life. Kenyatta swings at Ian, and I pull a gun on him. Kenyatta stops.

"That's what I fucking thought," I say pulling the clip out to make sure it's loaded. I point it back at him. "Try that again."

"You should keep your bitch in line," Kenyatta says.

Ian mimes stabbing Kenyatta behind his back. I try not to smile, but I can't help it. I put the gun in front of me and sit down at the table to resume my breakfast. When Mandy comes in Ian gives her a plate and drops one in front of Kenyatta.

"Don't get use to it," says Ian as he sits down beside me.

"You gonna say thank you," I ask Kenyatta.

Kenyatta doesn't. I put my hand on my gun. He looks at Ian and smiles. I accept that as a thank you. Ian's breakfast is good. He must have learned to cook from Fiona.

"Smells good," says Svetlana and Nika together.

"There's more on the stove," says Ian.

"No thank you," says Svetlana, "I feed baby."

"I already fed and changed him and put him back to bed," says Ian.

"What fucking time did you get up?" I ask.

"Five," says Ian.

"You didn't get to bed until we got back," I say. Not these fucking sleepless nights again. Last time that ended with him in bed for two weeks.

"Food is good, you eat," says Nika kissing Svetlana.

"I'm not eating anything he cooks."

"Don't take it personally, Ian," says Mandy.

"Did I fucking say you could talk to him?" Kenyatta asks, "I don't care if he is a fucking queen I don't like you talking to other men."

"Mickey," says Ian slowly, "Mickey, don't react."

"Get the fuck out of my house," I tell Kenyatta. He may be bigger than me, but he's no fucking match. I don't need my fucking gun to kill this motherfucker. He insulted my sister and my lover. I want this fucker dead.

Kenyatta starts laughing. Mandy and Ian move away from the table. Kenyatta grabs Mandy by her hair. I break his fucking hand by crushing the bones. He hollers in pain, but he releases Mandy.

"Touch my sister lose a hand, those are the fucking rules. Svetlana, eat the breakfast Ian spent time making or get the fuck out. Mandy, kick some fucking ass. You're a Milkovich, act like it."

I've said my peace. I sit back down. Ian takes my hand and smiles at me. I lean over and kiss him on the cheek which actually makes him blush a little. The dimple that forms in his cheek makes me blush.

"You broke my hand," Kenyatta screams.

Mandy leaves the table. Kenyatta watches her.

"Don't even fucking think about it."

Ian dresses the baby. He is bringing him along on our date today. We're having our date in the middle of the day because Ian is going back to work tonight. He dresses up in form-fitting jeans that make his ass look fucking amazing. I slap his ass. He tries to chase me around the house. I don't let him catch me right away. I sneak up behind him and slap it again. Ian catches me and throws me down on the couch and climbs on top of me.

"It's not fair, you're not ticklish," Ian says slowly grinding against my groin.

"No, but you are," I say as I begin to tickle him. I gain control and pin him back against the couch. I tickle him into submission. Ian goes weak from laughter and exhaustion. I kiss him and get up.

"You're a dick," Ian says.

"You ready to go?" I ask smiling at him.

Ian nods vigorously. He puts Yev in his stroller and grabs the baby bag and several bottles of formula. We leave the house together. I help him get the stroller down the steps.

"I've been thinking," Ian starts.

"Don't hurt yourself," I say.

"I've been thinking about you," Ian says.

"What about me?" My heart lodges in my throat. Is he about to break up with me?

"We've been through a lot," Ian says.

"Yeah, you could say that," I say, "What brought this on?" You have a lot of thoughts in that pretty head of yours.

"I was just thinking about how much better Mandy would have been if Lip hadn't tossed her out. He wouldn't have hit her. Then it made me think of you. I was never in love with Kash. He was in love with me, though. It wasn't really a healthy relationship, but he never hit me. Then there was Ned. I didn't love him either. He was nice. He never took a swing at me. Then there's you. You hit me once, to make me stop loving you, and my family acts like it's the worst thing. I mean, they didn't see Mandy this morning."

All I take from that is "loving you." Ian loves me. Ian fucking loves me. I can't hide the smile forming on my face right now. Ian Gallagher loves me. Holy Fuck. Get a fucking grip. But I can't. I walk a little closer to Ian.

"Mandy is worth more than she gets," I say.

"So are you," Ian says, "Soon my family will love you too."

He fucking loves me.

"We stop at Kash 'N' Grab and I buy Ian some candy and a flower. Ryan's working today. He won't stop teasing me. Linda rolls her eyes. "It's boring here with fat ass. I miss the two you and your softcore porn."

"I've heard them have sex, nothing soft about it," says Ryan winking at me.

I flip him off.

"Can we go to the park?" Ian asks.

"I'm fucking hungry. Food first," I tell Ian. He nods.

He loves me.