Part Seventy-Nine: Wild Card

I can't help this feeling inside me. Something is pulling me into doing something I don't want to do. That's why I'm standing in this bathroom with a guy who isn't Mickey. That's why he's touching me. I just need him to touch me.

"You're really fucking sexy," says the man. I bite my bottom lip. I want to push him away, but I can't. He bites me and I jerk my hips. I punch him in the shoulder.

"Don't leave any marks," I tell him. A tear stings my eye. Mickey. The man gets up and leaves and another comes in. I shove him out and lock the stall door, but he's persistent. He climbs under.

"You're not hard anymore," He tells me, "Want to suck me off instead, pretty one?"

"No," I pull my shorts up and leave the bathroom. I feel absolutely disgusted with myself. I avoid mirrors, people, everything. The loud music of the club is starting to sound like a blur. I make a bee line for the employee lounge. I put my clothes on and leave.

Mickey is just walking up as I'm coming out. I turn away from him. I don't lean in to kiss him. I don't allow him to kiss me. I close up. Mickey tries to take my hand. I pull back.

"You're going to tell me what the fuck is up or I'm making you walk home by your fucking self," Mickey says. I don't say anything, but Mickey doesn't carry through with his threat. He stays quiet and walks beside me. "Some motherfucker down at the Rub 'N Tug tried to get on Veronica. I threatened to shove his dick up his ass."

"He's a piece of shit," I say softly. I can feel Mickey looking at me. But I don't meet his eyes.

"Why are you so weird tonight? And wipe that eye liner shit off when we get home. You look like Liberace."

"Yeah, whatever you say," I say. I take Mickey's cigarette. I had quit, but this seems like a good time to start up again. I put it out when we get home. I don't speak as I change for bed. I wipe my face to clean the eye liner off, and then I get into bed without kissing Mickey good night.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?"

I don't know. I can't put my finger on it.

"I'm just tired."

Mickey presses the back of his hand to my forehead and then touches my cheeks. I don't smile at him. "You're not feverish. You sure you're okay? Want some water or something?"

"No."

"I can't go to bed with you like this. You've been fucking weird all day."

In the next room we hear Mandy and Kenyatta screaming at each other. Mickey kisses me on the forehead and slides out of bed. Yevgeny starts screaming from Svetlana's room. I get up. Mickey is shouting at Kenyatta and one of his brothers.

While Mickey and Colin are threatening to end Kenyatta permanently I sneak out. I need to see Lip, or Fiona or someone. I have to talk to someone. I walk barefoot in the dark alone. I'm not scared. I just need to see someone.

I consider going to talk to Fiona, but I back out. I can't talk to her. I can't talk to anyone. They'll think I have what Monica has. I certainly don't. There is something else wrong with me. I don't know what it is yet.

I keep walking without a destination in mind when I am grabbed by both arms and hoisted into the air. "There you are," says Colin.

"I can walk," I tell them.

"Nope. We're delivering you to our little bro," says Jamie.

"Shouldn't you be dealing with Kenyatta?"

"Our first priority is you," says Colin tightening the grip he has on my arm.

He drops me on the floor once we're inside the Milkovich house. Mickey touches my face and stares into my eyes. I don't deserve you. "Where did you go?"

"I went for a walk to clear my head."

"Oh. You should have said something."

"Well, Ian's back, so can you let me go to bed now?" Mandy asks.

She has a busted lip. I want to kill Kenyatta. He's a fucking asshole who deserves to die.

"Not so fast. You sleep in our room. I don't want you anywhere near that asshole tonight."

Mickey and his brothers coerce Mandy into doing what Mickey said. Mandy is wearing a tank top and panties. Mickey throws her a pair of shorts. "Here, put these on. You and Ian take the bed. I'll sleep on the floor beside it. That fucking asshole leaves in the morning or I'll kill him."

"He didn't…I deserved it," Mickey clenches his fist as he's laying out the sleeping bag. He looks at me for a second then at Mandy.

"No you don't. You're my sister. I'm protecting you. Lay down next to Ian and go to sleep. You're safe in here. Kenyatta would have to be fucking nuts to come in here."

Mandy and I poke each other for a while and it turns into a tickle war. I'm extremely ticklish so she's winning. She straddles me and tickles my sides. I can't breathe from laughing so much. It's actually starting to hurt.

"Hey, shut the fuck up," Mickey tells us.

"You're just jealous," Mandy teases.

She climbs off me and I pull her in close. I want Mandy to feel safe and protected. She lays her head on my chest. "You're a lot more muscular than Lip."

"Lip is squishy," I say with a smile.

"He has a small dick," Mandy says randomly.

"So does Mickey," I say.

"Hey," Mickey says.

"I knew that already, but ew."

"You mentioned my brother's dick. Pay back's a bitch."

"This ain't a fucking sleep over," Mickey grumbled from the floor.

"Oh my God, we should stay up late and talk about boys," Mandy says sarcastically. I smile at her. I was with other boys. I feel a wave of guilt wash over me, but I push it back and pull Mandy in closer to me.

"I better be the only fucking guy you talk about," Mickey threatens sleepily from the floor.

"Your boyfriend is a drag," Mandy jokes, "good night, Ian."

"Good night, Mandy."

Mickey is prodding me in the ass in the morning. I open my eyes and he's smiling at me while holding a plate of pancakes. Mandy is still sleeping soundly on the other side of me. I can feel her breath on my neck.

"What are you doing?" I ask Mickey sitting up to take the pancakes. He's been oddly sweet.

"What happened last night?"

I stay quiet. I want to tell him. How can I explain that I can't help myself? That I can't stop myself from wanting sex all the time and I don't know why.

"I need to tell you something," I say.

"Yeah," Mickey says listening carefully.

"Hey, Mick, that motherfucker won't leave," says Colin from the other side of the door.

"Hold the fuck on;" Mickey yells back, "I'll be right back."

Mickey comes back after a few minutes and doesn't continue the conversation. Instead he tries to kiss me which I allow. He pets my hair. I want to tell him. I should just blurt it out. I can't. It'll ruin this. He'll break up with me or send me away.

I love you, Mick. I nuzzle my head into the spot between his neck and his chin the way he likes. He holds me. I move so I can make room for him without waking Mandy. Mickey kisses the side of my head. I tap his chest.

"What's wrong with you?"

I don't answer.

"You two are too adorable," says Mandy watching us. Mickey let's go of me.

"Fuck off," Mickey tells her.

"Don't hide anything. Please, go on. If you start fucking though, I'm out. I really don't need to see that."

I make an excuse to avoid Mickey. I hang out with Debbie. She keeps asking me questions about sex because she wants to lose her virginity really bad. I buy our lunch and we eat out side. Debbie smothers her salad in ranch and lean in as I tell her about my first time.

"So did it hurt?"

"Yeah, a lot," I tell her as I munch on a carrot.

"Was it worth it?"

"I guess so. I think you should wait. Why rush it?"

"Because I don't see why it's a big deal. No one cares when a guy loses it."

"Guys can't get pregnant. If they could well Mickey and I would need to have a whole different conversation."

I laugh a little. Debbie smiles. She's so cute sometimes. We talk about boys. Mickey wouldn't be happy, but I'm pointing out guys for Debbie.

"He's gay," I say pointing to a really cute guy on a skateboard.

"How do you know?"

"I caught him staring at my crotch," I tell her.

"Hey, what are we doing? I've been looking for you all fucking day," says Mickey.

"I'm having lunch with my sister."

"Ian's helping me find a guy. He said that guy is gay. It's fun. Join us."

Mickey cuts my burger in half. I wasn't going to eat all of it anyway. I point out another guy to Debbie. We both think he's hot, but Mickey just rolls his eyes and makes comments about how ugly the guy is when I say he's hot.

"You could do better," Mickey mentions before sipping from my drink.

"Well he has you," Debbie says politely. Mickey flips her off. Debbie should know by now that's how Mickey is. "You pick."

"For you," Mickey says, "Him." He jerks his head toward a boy bouncing a ball to a dog near the park. He's about sixteen and blond.

"He's cute," Debbie says blushing.

"Hey, come here a sec," Mickey shouts loudly and waves the boy over. Debbie scoots close to me and tries not to blush too much when the boy comes over.

"I don't have any drugs," the boy says. I stifle a laugh.

"What? No. If I want drugs I can get them. Do you know Debbie Gallagher?"

The boy sat down next to her awkwardly. I watched my little sister get all bubbly and embarrassed over the boy Mickey picked out. He kept glancing at Mickey as if expecting to get his ass kicked if he doesn't like Debbie.

I watch the guy try to unhook Debbie's bra. Before I can say anything Mickey is on it. He has the kid by the collar of his shirt. He throws him on the ground. "You ever touch a girl without her permission and I'll come find you, you piece of shit."

"He was so cute," Debbie says.

"Nah, I can do better. Hang on," Mickey says scouting around for boys. He gets up and chases a couple boys down and brings them over to introduce them to Debbie.

"Why is he doing this?"

"He's competitive," I tell her.

A big brown dog comes up to me wagging it's tail happily. I start petting it.

"Chaucer, there you are," says a guy, a really cute guy. He kneels beside his dog and rubs his ears. Our hands touch. I pull them back. I want him to touch me. There is something about the way his jeans hug his thighs that I can't get my mind around.

I shake it off before Mickey comes back. Mickey. I'm with Mickey. I love him. Mickey finds two more guys to introduce to Debbie.

"So, I have a confession to make. I kind of tricked Chaucer into coming over here because I wanted an excuse to talk to you," Dog Guy says.

"He has a boyfriend," says Debbie, "and there he is."

Mickey has his arms folded across his chest. He looks ready to rip the guy's arms off and feed them to his dog. He steps between me and Dog Guy.

"Take your fucking dog and stop fucking staring at him or I'll wrap that leash around your neck and strangle you with it."

Dog Guy leaves. "His name is Alex and he's twenty, so I told him to take a fucking hike, but he seemed interested. Creep. And that one is Jake. He's a little geeky, but he's your age. Go talk to him," says Mickey to Debbie, ignoring me completely. Debbie gets the hint that Mickey wants to talk so she goes to flirt with Jake. "Did you think he was good-looking?" Mickey asks.

"Why does it matter? Haven't we been playing this game all afternoon with Debbie?"

"That's fucking different. It was for Debbie. Answer the fucking question, Ian. Did you think he was good-looking?"

"Yeah, but I liked his dog more," I tell him.

"Was a cute dog," Mickey agreed taking another swig of my drink. "Dog was better looking than he was."

"Better game too," I tease.

Mickey doesn't say anything else he just takes my hand. He wants people to know I'm taken, but to my surprise he lightly caresses my hand and smiles at me. He's never done that in public before. I kiss him on the cheek. We watch Debbie strike out. She mopes.

"Ugh, let's go, this is stupid."

"Their loss," I say.