Ryan's mind was in a high speed tumble. So many questions ran across his mind only to come back to his main concern: what was going to happen to him? Sandy had seemed so confident before with his 'You're staying here forever attitude.' During ice cream, it seemed like that confidence was slipping. Normally, Ryan would take it as a sign that the beginning of the end was near, that he was going to be out of there sooner rather than later. But he kept trying to think up, make up really, reasons as to what Sandy had been talking about and why it didn't mean Ryan was on his way out.
What had he meant by paperwork? If it was something serious, wouldn't Sandy give him more details? Or just keep it from him? Was this his way of giving Ryan a head's up that they weren't going to keep him? Sandy seemed like a nice guy. Maybe the whole thing was just a courtesy. Or maybe he meant what he had said at the end? Could Sandy possibly mean that they really weren't giving Ryan up? If he had, why would he bring it up? If he was going to bring it up, for whatever reason, why be so vague about it?
Were good guys vague about problems because they were fixing them? Or were good guys vague about problems because they didn't want to break bad news? Ryan rolled his eyes at himself. He had no idea whether Sandy was a good guy or not. He was jumping to conclusions. Jumping to conclusions was dangerous. Maybe it would be for the best if Sandy kicked him out.
"How'd it go?" Sandy had been hoping in vain that Kirsten wouldn't ask. Of course she was going to ask how it went.
"I brought it up. I was casual about it. He seemed fine." Sandy tried to carry over his feigned nonchalance from the ice cream parlor.
"That bad, huh?" He wondered if Ryan could see through him as easily as Kirsten could.
"I mean, I mentioned it! He didn't ask any questions. I didn't want to push it."
"Did you really think he was going to ask you about it?" Sandy sighed. Of course Ryan wasn't going to ask him about the details. He had almost been counting on it.
"It's not going to be a problem. Why should I worry him?"
"Well what did you tell him?"
"I said there was a problem with the paperwork and that everything was going to be fine."
"Problem with the paperwork? Sandy! His father is trying to get custody of him."
"Which is causing a slight problem with the adoption paperwork!"
"Come on, Sandy. If you want to tell him the truth, tell him the whole truth. If you don't want him to know, then you shouldn't have started in on it." He knew she was right. He really didn't want to hear it, but if it didn't get said out loud, he would have brushed it off forever.
"I shouldn't have even brought it up. If he asks, I'll tell him. If he doesn't, then I'll fill him in after the paperwork is finished and he's safe." Sandy rubbed his face and felt his wife's hand on his shoulder. He instantly relaxed. No matter how many times he told himself that everything was going to be fine and work out, he couldn't shake the severe guilt he felt every time Ryan crossed his mind.
If he had known he had existed, he would have taken him the second he was born. It would have been hard. Between the fact that it would have been twice as much work as Seth and the fact that Ryan was the product of a mistake Sandy had made, it would have seemed damn near impossible. But if they had had any inkling of what Ryan would go through for his first sixteen years of life, neither he nor Kirsten would have hesitated to take him in. He kept telling himself that there was no way he could have known about Ryan , but it didn't really matter. A person, a child, who was half Sandy, someone that Sandy helped to create, had spent sixteen years in hell. Sandy wasn't sure if he would ever forgive himself.
Ryan had had enough worrying. He was just driving himself crazy. He went to Seth's room hoping for at least some kind of distraction, but he wasn't there. There was no sign of Seth in the living room or outside. He must have gone out with Summer or maybe some of his other friends. Ryan considered watching some TV, but he still wasn't sure he knew how the remotes worked well enough to know he wouldn't break it. Instead, he wandered outside and sat next to the pool.
Every time he went out the backdoor, he had a moment of confusion. It was as if his mind had reached the point where it realized that he was sleeping and everything had been a dream. The view, the pool, the extra house off to the side… It seemed impossible for it all to be real. Ryan had spent his first sixteen years barely aware that some people lived like this, now he was one of them. He closed his eyes and tried to stop himself from wondering how long it would last and just enjoyed it.