17. Distrust And Heartbreaks
From the moment she felt his lips on hers she was struggling, struggling very hard to resist the temptation of allowing her feelings control and simply just love the man. She knew she shouldn't let herself be swayed by his power, just simply put back on the mask she had in desperate attempt used to hide her strong feeling for Bellamy, yet she found herself unable to resist him as she responded to his kiss with the same warmth, intensity and gentleness. She moaned quietly and placed a hand behind his neck and pulled him closer to her, meanwhile Bellamy's arms was wrapped around her waist and pulling her closer to him. The rain kept on falling down in ferocious speed, but neither of them cared about that and was simply just lost in each other's presence. Forgetting about all the worry, hurt and anger that still was a great problem between them as well the rest of the camp along with everyone on the Ark.
And as they stood there, the feeling of his lips on hers reminded her of how sad and lonely she truly was. She didn't have many people in her life, not on a very close and personal manner to say it nicely. Everybody she trusted and cared about was either someone who hurt her and betrayed her or someone who was dead because of her. The only exception of this general rule was Lincoln and Octavia, though she was sure even her recent close friend was upset by the secrets she kept and probably didn't want anything to do with her right now. However it seemed that no matter how much she tried to keep her distance the 100 and more importantly Bellamy had somehow gotten past many of her defenses and become people close and seriously important to her. And that seriously was scaring her because she didn't want these people to get hurt and killed because of her. That is why she had to stay away from them and most of all lock away these feelings she had for Bellamy. She had been hurt and betrayed so many times before that she simply couldn't trust to allow her heart to take control and just accept the strong feelings she had for him, in fear of being hurt once again. Which was why she should stop the kiss before she no longer had the power to withstand him, otherwise she was going to be left towards her doom because her heart has taken enough pain and hurt to last a lifetime. If he got the chance to open her heart and then break it into tiny pieces, then she wasn't sure if she had the strength to pick up the pieces again.
The lovely, yet bittersweet moment ended when she pulled away and almost whispered heartbreaking, "Stop, we can't do this. I can't do this."
Her confession seemed to have brought him back to reality and the main problem at hand since the lovely and gentle expression on his face shifted immediately to frustration, hurt and anger.
"What do you mean by that? Why can't we do this or rather why can't you simply open up to me and let me lo…care about you?" Bellamy exclaimed frustrated. His words stabbed her like a knife, although she wasn't sure if he didn't understand or the fact that he caught himself from admitting what exactly they were feeling for each other. But she knew that in order to protect him and everyone else from herself she needed to push them away, even if it broke her heart to do it.
"You wouldn't understand," Her voice was sad and distraught. She shook her head and refused to look at him, seeing the rejection in his eyes as she denied the one thing she truly wanted.
"You mean you just don't trust me or anyone else, after everything that has happened after everything we have been through?" Bellamy accused quietly. Clarke didn't dare answer because she could almost feel the mask she had put on to protect herself was starting to crack.
His teeth clenched and she glanced over for a moment and saw his hands clenched and unclenched like he was trying to control his feelings from spinning out of control. She almost expected him to say something more, something that could tell her what he was thinking, but instead he turned and walked away from her without stopping or taking another glance at her. Once she no longer could hear his footsteps she went down on her knees and her head into her hands. Tears was streaming down once again, mixing in with the rain so you couldn't really tell the difference if she was crying or not other than the puffy redness in her eyes. However she didn't care about it as she continued to sob in her hands. Her inhalation was slow and erratic with occasional instances of breath holding and muscular tremor. Her head lifted up for a moment looking up towards the sky and said heartbroken and without expectations of forgiveness, "I'm sorry…"
Bellamy was furious as he was almost stomping back to the camp. Everything that had happened in the clearing with Clarke had turned out to be totally different from what he expected, and it wasn't a good thing either considering how things escalated from them fighting to kissing and then to rejection and went back to fighting again.
He stopped on his path. Thinking about the amazing moment they had shared kissing in the rain made him realize what his feelings about Clarke truly meant. He was in love with the incredibly stubborn princess and she had rejected him without any real explanation. That certainly hurt his pride to know this girl had rejected him and leaving his heart broken before it even had the chance to truly appreciate the love he had for her. But when he thought back on it he remembered his lips against hers and how for a second she didn't respond to the kiss and he feared that she would pull away, but instead she kissed him back even pulled him closer to her and moan in quiet pleasure. However it didn't make any sense if she enjoyed the kiss as much as he did, then why did she reject him the way she did?
He shook his head. He didn't understand her at all and based on how she acted back there she obviously didn't trust him as much as he thought and that was possibly even more hurtful than being rejected, at least he knew she trusted him then he could might have worked on becoming closer despite her initial rejection, but being told she didn't trust him or anyone at all made it even worst to overlook the fact that neither of them trusted each other.
He sighed deeply and ran an annoyed hand through his soaking wet hair. He was tired and hurt and the day had not even started yet. He didn't want to think about Clarke at all and besides he really didn't have the time for it either since he had a camp to keep in order. So he began walking again and this time determined to keep the blond-haired princess out of his mind, although it was really successful, so he figured the best way to get her out of his system was to find another girl who was willing to have him at least for one night. And besides it wasn't like Clarke could say or do anything about it anyways. She had made her choice and now he made his. And as he got closer and closer to the camp, he continued to ignore this tiny voice in his head that was telling him that his plan to get over was a terrible idea and he shouldn't do it, and when he finally reached the gates he entered the camp and began his day with the daily duties.
The next three days were simply just awkward, but most of all just terrible. All the kids at the camp stayed as far away from her as possible and didn't blankly avoid or ignore her, since she was still a necessity to them, but Clarke could hear them whisper between themselves about how she had kept it secret about her life on the Ark and things like her being her majesty of the camps or something like that. Anyway rumors were going around and it was driving Clarke crazy and everyone made clear that they either was very angry with her and had grown to distrust her or they were angry, but they still cared about her and needed some time before they would forgive her. Bellamy was for obvious reasons in the former, meanwhile Octavia was in the latter since she knew about the fact that she came from the Ark just not about the part where she was one of the privileged ones. And for that her friend simply kept her distance and avoided whenever she could. But seriously she didn't blame them for their reaction, but it was just hard to take all the punches without being allowed to defend herself even though she had no right to defend herself since they had every good reason to be mad at her in the first.
Clarke sighed heavily as she continued to stay inside the medical bay and keep an eye on Finn's progress and at the meantime trying to ignore the stink-eye Raven was giving her. Finn was sleeping sweet and soundly, no longer bleeding, sweating or groaning in pain.
And as she stood there she couldn't help wondering why in the world she decided to return back to the camp despite knowing everyone's reaction, she could have easily just went back to her cave and then left to find another home. Lincoln would have found her eventually and he would just tell her the whole 'I told you so' speech and just let it go afterwards. But oddly enough the 100 camp had grown to be what she considered her home. She couldn't leave this home no matter the personal issue involved with some or most of the kids inside. They were her people and she was going to help and protect them even if they didn't want her to. So she was either just stupid or someone who enjoyed receiving pain in order to stay, but either way this place was her home and she loved her home.
"The injury is healing nicely," Clarke said straightforward. "He should be able to get up and around soon enough."
"Thank you," Raven said reluctantly. Clarke sighed deeply once again, since she didn't have any other patients than Finn at the moment she decided to step out of the drop ship to get some fresh air.
So she left the room quietly, walked down the hallway and out the drop ship. The blinding sun was up high and everybody was moving around, busy with his or her usual daily duties. Her eyes gazed on each of the kids, realizing that she didn't see Bellamy anywhere and she didn't hear there were any hunting trips today, so she began searching for him and it didn't take long to find out where he was either. He was in his tent with his hoe of the day, who was just leaving. For three days now he had different girls come and keep him accompanied in his tent or as she called hoe of the day. Clarke knew exactly why he was doing it, but she hated to admit it that she was jealous and angry, but most of all hurt over what he did to punish her for rejecting him. However there was no way she was going to admit that out loud, it would only increase Bellamy's ego and pride even more than necessary and that would be catastrophe. Still she wasn't going to stick around to watch any more of this, so she turned on her heel and headed back towards the medical bay.
Once she got back to the drop ship was walking down the hallway, but stopped on her path when someone shouted her name.
"Clarke," Charlotte ran up to her with a happier expression on her face than the last time she saw her back in the forest and in her cell. Clarke smiled back at her with the same gentle smile. Charlotte was one of the few kids in the camp who wasn't angry and simply didn't care about her identity and how she kept it from everyone, something she appreciated greatly.
"Hello, Charlotte," Clarke said gently. "What brings you here?"
"I was hoping I could help you out at the medical bay," Charlotte replied. "I wanted to try do something good and help out where I can."
Clarke nodded and tilted her head in the direction of the medical way, indicating Charlotte to follow her. They began walking, though slightly slower than before in order for them to do walk-and-talk.
"How are you doing with dealing with your nightmares?" Clarke asked. Her gaze was turned towards the girl, who looked embarrassed.
"Better now than before. Although they are still not completely gone yet, but I'm working on it," Charlotte answered softly. The girl had been dealing with her issues the last couple of days by talking with both her and Bellamy, who like most of the other kids considered them as their surrogate parents (at least before she betrayed everyone's trust that is).
"That's great to hear. I'm proud of you," Clarke was truly proud of the accomplishments Charlotte and was glad that she was able to help her. They talked some as they turned the corner that lead to the medical bay, but they both were taken by surprised when someone ambushed them and forced the two of them in to one of the empty rooms and shut the door behind them. Clarke turned around to see whom her kidnapper or attacker was, and her body froze seeing the one person she considered the most unstable and dangerous of all the kids in the camp.
"Nice for you to join me, Clarke Griffin," Murphy said with this grin that told her that this meeting was anything but nice. "It's time you and I arranged a heart to heart."
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Thank you again for the amazing response. I truly appreciate it. And like I warned you last time the Bellarke couple isn't going to get together any time soon, but it will happen so be patient until then.
Please keep giving me reviews, favorite and/or followings, I really-really appreciate it. And the next chapter will be released soon enough.
xXrebelgirl07Xx