Part Eighty-Five: Psychotic Break

I press my heel into the smoking butt of the cigarette I dropped as I proceed to cross the street. The woman in charge of the yard sale has stepped away from a moment. I browse her selection. She has a lot of really good furniture.

A yard sale is a good idea. We need the money. I pocket a tiny crystal unicorn and a garden gnome and go on my way when the woman comes back. I walk up the street. Iggy and Ryan are having a smoke on the porch.

"Do you have anything we could sell?" I ask.

"Why?"

"A yard sale, we could get money."

"I sell drugs," Iggy says.

"I don't think Mickey wants Ian doing that," Ryan says, he pats me on the back.

"Mickey doesn't control me," I add.

I rummage through the Milkovich house looking for something—anything of value that I could sell for money. We're behind on bills and Mickey is stressed out. He won't admit it. He doesn't want me to worry. But I see him worrying about it. He presses his palms to his eyes when he's trying not to cry.

Mickey is sitting at the table. Yevgeny is in his high chair laughing as Mickey is trying to get him to eat. I kiss both of them twice. Mickey reaches out and grabs me. He pulls me into his lap. I moan as I plant a kiss on his lips. He touches me from under my shirt.

"Sexy," Mickey whispers as he bites at my neck.

"What's with you this morning?" I ask, allowing him to leave a hickey on my collar bone.

"Nothing, damn baby won't eat his fucking breakfast."

Yev is cooing from his high chair. The noises are making Mickey smile even though he would never in a million years admit it. He secretly likes children. "Okay, bitch, you're going to eat or you're going to wear the fucking mashed potatoes," Mickey tells Yev.

"You have a way with words, Mick."

He flips me off and scoots me off his lap.

"We'll continue this later."

"Mick," I say, leaning over and planting a kiss in his black hair. He gives in to my touches. The baby takes a spoonful of mashed potatoes while laughing. Mickey laughs back. "Do you think we should have a yard sale?"

"What the fuck for?"

"You said we needed the money," I remind him.

"What the fuck is going on in that head of yours? One minute you're all sweet and kind and then you're in a bad mood, then you're collecting fucking gnomes and wanting to sell all my fucking shit." Mickey chucks my new gnome out the window.

"How could you do that? I trusted you. I thought you were on my side." I say as I shove him and start going from room to room looking for stuff to sell. Someone grabs my arm, spins me around, and pushes me against the wall.

"I am on your side, Ian. I think we need to have a talk about this," Mickey says.

"Fuck you. I hate you, you only want to change me."

Mickey releases me. I don't mean that. Instead of apologizing I grab the baby and walk out the front door. Something compelled me to get into the Milkovich car with the baby. Ryan and Iggy are yelling after me. I flip them both off and start the engine. I pull out of the drive way as Mickey and Iggy are running after me. In the rear view mirror I see Mickey chasing the car.

Mickey chases the car for three blocks before Iggy catches up to him and stops him. I turn a corner and no longer can see him. Yevgeny is crying. I don't know how to shut him up. I bounce him on my knee and sing to him to quiet him down.

"Shh, daddy Ian is going to take care of you," I tell him. I kiss the top of his head.

My phone rings. It's Mickey. I don't answer it. I pull over to Yev in his car seat then get a move on. I want to make good time before it gets dark. My phone won't stop ringing.

"We're going to pick up Aunt Mandy in Indiana then we're going to Disney World. Won't that be so much fun?"

"You know, Yevy, I love you so much."

After four hours of driving I stopped to smoke and piss. I didn't really have a diaper for Yev, and I needed money fast. I saw a couple of men standing underneath a rainbow flag. I might be able to sell myself to them for some money.

"Stay here, Yev. I'll be back in three minutes."

I get in a car with those men and they take me to a motel. I suck each of them off in turn and let them touch me however they want for two hundred bucks. They take me back to Yev. Yev is gone and the window is busted out.

"Is this your car?" a cop asks me.

"Where is my baby?"

"You left him in the heat? We have him."

"Give me back my baby. HE'S MY BABY! GIVE HIM TO ME!" I try to take Yev back from the officer who has him. They're fighting me. I shove one of the cops and swing at him. He reaches for me but I take off running. "SOMEONE HELP. THEY STOLE MY BABY!"

A cop catches me and they pin me to the ground to put me in handcuffs. I can't see Yevgeny and that worries me. What if they leave him behind? Mickey would never forgive me. I would never forgive me.

They take me to the ER and I receive a shot of something, the cops had to hold me down to receive it. I feel somewhat calm and drowsy. It's like nothing is wrong in the world. I don't even really know where I am.

"Is there someone we can call for you?" The cop asks, at least I think he asks.

"Lip," I say before I can no longer see or do anything. This looks like a nice place for a nap.

The world is a little off center. I feel weird. Is that Mickey? Someone's warm face is nuzzling my cheek and whispering in my ear. "God, I was so fucking worried. Don't ever scare me again." And then a wet kiss on my cheek. I think it is Mickey.

I'm sorry I took your baby. I want to say that but I can't seem to find a way to form words. Debbie. A girl has her arms around me. I hug her back and sniff her hair and she kisses me on the cheek. Maybe it's Fiona.

"I love you," Debbie says as she sniffles. "I was so worried about you."

Where am I? Back in Chicago? Mickey is holding me. I lay my head on his shoulder. I feel his lips in my hair and his hand tightening his grip on my hip.

"I'm never letting go of you ever," Mickey says.

And then I'm asleep. I wake up and Lip is making me sign some papers. Fiona is here now. And she's crying and telling me she loves me. What did I do? Why am I here?

"Ian," says Mickey.

Mickey embraces me and I feel him tightening his grip around me again. I'm squeezed so tight I can barely breathe. "I fucking love you, you hear me. I love you!"

How can you say that? I don't deserve it. A woman is waiting for me. Is she an angel? Is this heaven? Mickey I'm scared.

"Can I go in with him?"

Please. I need him to come with me.

"No, I'm sorry."

And they take me away from Mickey. I look back at him and smile. I love you.

"I love you," Mickey screams at me as I round a corner.

Those words sting. They pierce me like a knife. I feel like shit.

"Right in here, Mr. Gallagher," says the woman as I'm put in a room with several other men. A man in white strips me down and forces me into a yellow shirt and white shorts.

"Tell Mickey I'll be right out," I tell the man.

"Yeah, I'll do that," He says.

"Oh and that I forgive him for the gnome. He'll know what it means," I say.