so i should be writing horrible sad drama, or, OR: i can make this into a surprise series!
The next afternoon, Marshall is reading a brief and Lily is decorating a jam jar when Barney slides into the booth with a beer. "Guys, I have a VD," he announces heavily, his tie rakishly askew in his distress.
"Yeah, we knew that one," Lily deadpans, not bothering to look up.
"Aww, hey, buddy," says Marshall kindly, maintaining sympathetic eye contact, "for someone like you? Just one isn't bad at all. Personally, I figured you'd have gotten the whole bingo card by now."
"No," Barney says, disgusted. "Guys, I have a Vocabulary Disease."
"If that's how you wanna play it," says Lily.
"And I caught it from Robin!" he continues, slapping his palm against the tabletop. "It's always Robin! Feelings, that stomach bug we all got last month, a cold last January, a taste for weird un-American french fry toppings… and now I can't even talk English right no more!" His voice goes high; chokes up. "You bang a girl two hundred and ninety three times over a year ago and you think that's all, you'll never see her again, but then you wake up sick!"
"Is this about last night?" Marshall asks; Barney interjects with: "This is about last night!"
Barney continues: "You may not have noticed, but I," he clears his throat delicately, "may have used literally in the incorrect fashion, yesterday eve."
"Yeah, we saw you running scared," Lily says. She sets down her glitter pen and places the jam jar triumphantly in the centre of the table for all to admire. "It gave me an idea!"
The jar is adorably decorated with glitter and bubble letters and reads: A LITERAL JAR.
"Aw, it's perfect!" Marshall coos.
"Thank you, baby!"
They snuggle.
Barney takes a drink of his beer. "What is it?"
"Think of it like a swear jar," Lily says, shimmying proudly. "Any time any of us say 'literally' incorrectly, you put in ten bucks. I say 'any of us,' but I mean 'you and Robin.'"
"Ten dollars? American dollars?" Barney leans back, offended-slash-horrified.
"Hey, drinks are expensive!" says Lily. "Don't pretend that you can't afford it, Mr. 'three thousand dollar suit.'"
"Aw, you noticed!" He adjusts his tie, puffs up. "It's new. Dolce & Gabbana."
"And Robin never buys a round, so I figure bitch owes me a beer," Lily finishes cheerfully.
"That's fair," says Marshall.
"That's Robin for you," Barney says. "All take and no give." Beat. "Although there was one thing she used to give, back in the — oww! Lily! You kicked me!"
"Have you ever considered," Marshall asks, leaning across the booth, "that you keep catching things from Robin because you spend literally all your free time with her?" Barney stares at him uncomprehendingly.
"Ten bucks, babe," says Lily, shaking the empty jar.