Brian's Play: An Alternate Universe Retelling

by LDEJRuff

Chapter 4 - Online Chat, and an Invite

The next day, outside the apartment building, Brian began video chatting with his gay cousin, Jasper.

"Hey, Jasper," Brian began, "how are you?"

"Hey, Brian!" Jasper greeted back. "Congratulations on your new play."

"Oh, thanks."

"What's wrong?" Jasper wondered. "You look awful. What happened?"

"I read a play written by someone named Tony Dovolani," Brian answered, "and it was brilliant. Jasper, I've never read anything like it in my life. It was insightful, and fresh, and intelligent. It's like this play is mocking me."

"Ugh," Jasper repulsed, "that's how I feel whenever I see Brad Goreski on Bravo. God, everyone's on Bravo but me. Anyway, Brian, if I were you, I'd give this play a bad review."

"Well," Brian sighed, "even though I haven't met the author, I guess I should give it a shot. I mean, it's not like last week when Leo gave me and Vinny those itchy sweaters to wear."

Cutaway: We see Brian and Vinny trying to scratch their backs while wearing the aforementioned sweaters.

"My god, Brian," Vinny said. "This is something we never should have agreed on."

"Yeah, Vin," Brian agreed, "but we can't let Leo know we don't like these sweaters. It'll break his heart."

Back to Brian and the laptop. Leo and Vinny were preparing for their walk, and were walking to Brian.

"Hey, Brian," Vinny greeted. "Good morning, Jasper."

"Hey, Vinny," Jasper greeted back.

"Hey," Vinny began, "Leo's taking me for a walk. Wanna join, Brian?"

"No, thank you, Vinny," Brian smiled, shaking his head. "I'm just gonna sit here and chat. See you later, guys."

"Okay," Vinny replied. "Take care while we're away."

With that, Leo and Vinny walked off, leaving Brian to continue his online chat.

"Listen, Jasper," Brian began, "I gotta go. I'm gonna have a talk with Stewie about this play."

"Very well, B," Jasper replied. "Tell him I said hi."

With that, Brian ended the conversation with Jasper and began his chat with Stewie.

"Hey, Stewie," Brian greeted. "How are things back home?"

"Hey, Brian," Stewie greeted back. "Everything's going fine."

"Thanks. Anyway, have you read this new play written by a guy named Tony Dovolani, called An American Marriage?"

"I have," Stewie answered.

"Well, I think it's not that good."

Pause.

"Oh," Stewie replied, a bit disappointed. "Well, compared to your play, I think it's pretty good."

"Wait," Brian halted. "What do you mean, compared to my play?"

"Well," Stewie began, "to be quite honest with you, Brian, your play's a mediocre patchwork of hackneyed ideas and tired cliches. Do you have any idea how hard it was to sit in the theater with all those braying hyenas?"

"Mediocre patchwork of hackneyed ideas and tired cliches?" Brian repeated. "I don't think you should be talking about my play like that. I've been working so hard on it, and I have a friend who lives in the apartment I'm in who proofread it for me."

"Well, still, Brian, your play's filled with puns and terrible double entendres."

"But Stewie," Brian shrugged, "I'd rather not be remembered for mediocrity."

"Let me give some advice, Brian," Stewie offered. "Next time, if you want to write something, write from your own voice."

"What do you mean?"

"To put quite simple, a writer needs a voice. And since your play panders to the lowest common denominator, I pretty much doubt you have a voice. I mean, it doesn't do well."

"But, Stewie..."

"Just think about what I said, Brian," Stewie replied. "We'll keep in touch someday. I'll tell New Brian I said hi for you."

"Oh, before you hang up, Stewie," Brian halted, "Jasper said hi."

Pause.

"Oh. Well, give him my regards."

With that, Stewie ended the conversation. Brian sat blank-faced.

"Stewie doesn't think my play's good?" he thought. "This is a twist I didn't expect."

That night at the Quahog Playhouse, during another performance of A Passing Fancy, Brian stood worried and out of sight looking at the opening scene when New Brian walked to him.

"Hey, Brian," New Brian greeted, getting his attention. "Looks like your play's doing well."

"New Brian?" Brian began. "What are you doing here?"

"Oh," New Brian began, "I just wanted to share some good news to you about An American Marriage. Tony e-mailed me, telling me that it's going to be produced on Broadway, and that the New York Theater League is throwing a welcome dinner in his honor tomorrow night."

"Wait," Brian halted. "You're Tony's pen pal?"

"Mmm-hmm," New Brian nodded. "And he wanted me to invite you for him."

"I don't know, New Brian," Brian shrugged. "I'm pretty much booked."

"I think the theater will be better off without you for just one night, Brian," New Brian continued. "Besides, all the most important Broadway people will be there. Playwrights, money men, even Stanley Kowalski."

Cutaway: We are at a party, where two people have a chat with the aforementioned character from A Streetcar Named Desire.

"Hi," the first person greeted. "I'm Michael."

"MICHAEL!" Mr. Kowalski shouted. "MICHAEL!"

"Um, and this is my wife, Nancy," Michael introduced.

"NANCY!" Mr. Kowalski shouted. "NANCY!"

"And this is our Uzbekistani friend, Bokyavroychesku," Michael introduced another man to Mr. Kowalski.

With a name hard to pronounce, Mr. Kowalski simply said, "Hi."

Back to the stage.

"Well, I guess I can clear my schedule," Brian whispered. "Anything else?"

"Yep," New Brian replied. "I'm here to let Randal know that he's needed."

The understudy actor took notice.

"Hey, you must be New Brian," Randal greeted the gray dog. "I'll be right there. I just got to finish this crap."

Cutaway: John Viener, again using his laptop, looked at the camera, a bit surprised.

"Wow," John said. "They do sound a lot alike."