Brian's Play: An Alternate Universe Retelling

by LDEJRuff

Chapter 5 - The Big Apple

The next day, Brian had finished getting dressed for the dinner in New York. Vinny took notice while coming into the bathroom.

"Hey, Brian," he began, "lookin' real nice. What's going on tonight?"

"Oh, I'm invited to attend a dinner for Tony Dovolani," Brian replied. "The New York Theater League is honoring him tonight, and a lot of playwrights are going to be there."

Pause.

"Oh. Well, you be careful on the way, B."

"Thank you, Vinny," Brian replied. "You and Leo take care of yourselves."

"What could possibly go wrong without you for one night?" Vinny shrugged.

Brian had arrived at the Whitehall building, where the dinner was held. Upon arrival, the first thing on Brian's mind was to greet Tony, but while he was looking for him, who he found wearing a purple dress shirt, a fake beard and a hat was...

"Stewie?" He wondered. "What are you doing here?"

"Hey, Brian," Stewie greeted. "Fancy party, isn't it? By the way, New Brian dropped me off. He's currently holding a concert."

"That's nice, Stewie," Brian began, "but you can't just come into a party for Tony Dovolani uninvited."

"Well, Brian," Stewie replied, "if you're here to greet Tony Dovolani, then look no further."

"Wait," Brian realized. "Stewie, are you saying that you're Tony Dovolani?"

"Yes," Stewie answered, "it's my pseudonym."

"I thought your pseudonym was 'Gorgeous Randy Flamethrower'."

"That's the pseudonym I use while playing dodgeball."

Suddenly, a voice got their attention.

"Hey, Tony!"

"Oh, my god," Brian whispered. "It's David Mamet."

The Pulitzer-winning playwright and Tony nominee for Glengarry Glen Ross and Speed-the-Plow approached the two.

"There's the man of the evening," said David. "I read your play, An American Marriage; it was incredibly raw. I was pretty damn impressed."

"Oh, thank you, David," Stewie replied before introducing Brian to him. "David, this is Brian. Brian, David."

"Oh, it's an honor," Brian said, overwhelmed. "Listen, I just want to say what an inspiration Glengarry Glen Ross was to me when I was writing my own play."

"Easy," Stewie regarded.

Coming into the room were British playwright, actor and author Alan Bennett and French playwright, actress, novelist and Pulitzer winner Yasmina Reza.

"Is that Tony Dovolani?" Alan noticed. "Hello. Alan Bennett. Fantastic play."

"And I'm Yasmina Reza," Yasmina added.

"Oh," Stewie said. "Are you his night nurse?"

"No, I'm a playwright," replied Yasmina. "I wrote Art and God of Carnage. I won a Pulitzer."

"You want to say your grade point average, too?"

"Boy, it's just so weird to be in a room where every single person in the room is a playwright," said Brian to the playwrights. "Every single one of us...Everyone, including me...I'm a playwright."

"Brian," Stewie regarded, whispering, "my God, take it down a notch."

"You're a playwright?" asked Alan. "In New York?"

"Well, Quahog, Rhode Island," Brian replied.

Yasmina looked rather impressed. "You're kidding. We just went and saw a play in Quahog, Rhode Island."

"Really?" Brian asked, smiling.

"Have you ever heard of A Passing Fancy?" Alan asked Brian.

"I have!" Brian answered, tail wagging.

"Oh, my God, what a load of rubbish," Alan scoffed. "We have this thing where we go to the worst regional theater we can find and laugh ourselves sick."

"And this one took the grand prize," Yasmina added, referring to the Quahog Playhouse.

With that, David, Alan and Yasmina laughed. Brian was emotionally hurt by this.

"Really?" he said. "I...I had heard only good things."

David shouted, "It was a ******* ******* piece of **** on a ****!"

Again, David, Alan and Yasmina laughed while Brian walked away, crushed.

"Oh, my God," said Stewie. "I got to hear David Mamet curse in person."

On the TKTS red stairs, Brian was sitting, depressed and drinking his scotch. New Brian had found him.

"Hey, Brian," he greeted. "What's wrong?"

"That was the worst night of my life," Brian said, voice shaking. "New Brian, how could you hide the fact that Stewie was Tony all along?"

"You just figured it out, huh?" New Brian replied. "Don't get too disappointed about it, Bri."

"Look, New Brian," Brian began. "I was happy until I read his play. I finally had some kind of success as a writer. It wasn't big, but it was mine. I was fine being an okay writer, until I discovered that my friend was a brilliant one. I know we don't talk about doggy years a lot, but I...I just wish he could have waited to find out how talented he was until I was gone. He'll have seventy more years to be great. I just wish I could have had five to be good."

"Stewie must have given you that 'write from your own voice' speech, huh?" New Brian replied. "Well, there it is. It's depressing, but it's your voice. Write from that."

Nearby, Stewie was watching the two dogs talk to each other. He couldn't help but feel sorry for Brian.

Later that night, after the opening for An American Marriage at the Shubert Theatre, many viewers left disappointed. Among them were Brian and New Brian, who stood puzzled. Stewie was the last to leave Shubert.

"I don't understand," Brian shrugged.

"Me, neither," New Brian added.

"Stewie, what happened to the play you wrote?" Brian asked. "That was terrible."

"Well, I gave it a final polish," Stewie answered. "Changed a few things. Guess I kind of mucked the whole thing up."

"But how? You..." Brian suddenly realized. "Wait. Did you do that for me?"

"What are you talking about? I'm a young writer. I just wasn't as ready as I thought I was. Maybe in a couple of years, who knows?"

"Stewie," Brian began. "You shouldn't have done that. But thanks."

"No problem, Brian," Stewie replied.

With that, Brian gave Stewie a hug.

"New Brian," Brian began, his attention turned to the gray dog, "you have a good friend."

"Thanks, Brian," New Brian replied, then he called to Stewie. "Come on, Stewie. Let's go home."

Brian then let go of Stewie and allowed him and New Brian to go their own way to Quahog.

"See you soon, Brian," Stewie said.

"Right back at you, buddy," Brian replied.

As Brian walked to his Prius and drove off, Stewie began walking with New Brian.

"You know, I'm going to move to New York City when I'm older," he said, "'cause it's twinkly and big, and this is where dreams come true."

New Brian chuckled. "Maybe someday, Stewie."

With that, Stewie hopped into New Brian's car, New Brian started it, and they began their way back to Quahog.

The End