The nightmares didn't stop after the first incident, and Natasha was beginning to run low on energy. She was doing everything she could not to fall asleep, yet Loki insisted that so long as she was beginning to get her memories back then the negative effects of it would soon be over. He hoped. He didn't have to say it, but she could see the doubt flash in his eyes every time he told her that. She tried harder to focus on Loki, to pay attention to the memories that felt real, though more often than not she found herself feeling more awake in the dreams and exhausted in reality, as though her real life was the false one, the one sucking all the energy from her. Loki thought that more sleep might help, but the more she slept, the more she dreamt of the demon with beady eyes, the more often she awoke screaming, panting and out of breath from a monster that didn't exist, and the more frustrated she got when she woke up feeling even more exhausted than when she'd gone to sleep.
"Is it always going to be like this?" She asked, barely stifling a yawn as Loki's hands rubbed at her back. She was so tense all the time that he hoped something more relaxing might be able to help keep the memories flowing. They were coming, just not near fast enough, as though something was blocking them. He suspected it was part of the spell or the serum or whatever it was that had taken the memories from her to begin with, but everything he'd tried to counter it had failed. Most days Natasha wasn't sure who was more frustrated with it all: her, or Loki.
"I imagine not. Your mind is going through a great deal of strain, though. It is not abnormal for you to be so spent after we try to recover your memories," he said.
"But there is something wrong."
He sighed, and she could feel his warm breath ghost over the back of her neck. "The visions you continue to have. What are they like again?"
She swallowed. They'd gone over this a hundred times, it felt, and still he asked her again and again to recount them, as though hoping to glean something else from each separate retelling. From what she'd been able to tell, so far nothing had worked.
"There's always the same boy-he looks like a teenager. He always tells me I'm close. I don't know what to. His eyes are black, his teeth are sharp and covered in blood, like his hands. He grabs for me, catches my face and opens his mouth like he's going to swallow me whole. He says he's chaos." She swallowed the bile rising in her throat, felt herself quivering beneath Loki's touch, even as he reached for her hands and took them into his own.
"Close to what?" He asked.
She shook her head. He never said explicitly, never explained it, only repeated the sentiment until she was certain she'd suffocate under his assertions and his determination. "Do you think it's for the best that we continue on with me regaining my memories? Maybe it's a bad idea. If this keeps happening, and you don't know-."
"Not to repeat what he says, but we are so close to you already regaining all of your memories. If we do not, I cannot see this man, or phantom, or whatever it is disappearing. If he haunts you due to your proximity to your truth and your former self, then he ought to disappear when you reach it. The others say you have never had any similar nightmares when you were yourself, before this, so this is likely a phantom brought on by the stress to remember who you were and will disappear once you regain it."
Or it would only get worse when whatever it was got what it wanted. If it wanted her when she was close, what would happen when she got it?
She didn't say anything about it, and they continued on with Loki's treatments, Natasha beginning to piece everything together. She was born in the twenties, raised in Russia by Ivan Petrovich in a training facility known as the Red Room. Trained by the Winter Soldier, she quickly rose in the ranks of the Black Widow training program, and after the apparent death of her lover and would-be husband, Alexei, she submitted herself into the Super Soldier Serum project.
It had been successful.
Everything from there, however, was akin to pulling teeth. Her current life, where she'd been with the Avengers and with Clint she could remember in bits and pieces, and Loki ground his teeth together as she'd come to shaking after every session. She'd stopped screaming days ago, her old training kicking in, forcing her to keep it in.
"You're so close, Natasha," Loki assured her, stroking her hair gently as she laid back down, determined to go for one more round, one more. He was certain this time would be the last, and she certainly hoped so. Her head ached, despite the tea he'd made her that was supposed to take it away, as though it could sense the incoming storm that was supposed to be her memories. She wasn't sure if she ought to have been looking forward to fitting the final pieces of everything together, or just being done with it all. One curt nod later, and he'd closed his eyes and started chanting softly again, drawing his hands over her temples as she closed her eyes and did all she could to relax.
"I knew you'd come back. You're almost there." His breath was hot in her ear, sending shivers of disgust up her spine as she turned around to come face to face with the same bastard, his gaze lecherous as he caught her by the chin and squeezed. "You've been running from this for too long and now? Now you're mine."
She opened her mouth to shout, to tell him to fuck off, aimed a kick at him, but her blows sunk through him as though his was nothing. One of his fingers shoved itself into her throat until she gagged and he allowed her to drop to her knees, bile burning as she convulsed and trembled on her place on the floor, nails scratching the concrete surface. Rather than vomit, something black, and tar like spewed from her lips, and her eyes widened in horror as it started to smoke and rise. When her body emptied itself and she was pale and shaky, she sat back on her heels, gasping for breath and watching as something began to rise. Someone who looked a whole hell of a lot like-.
She screamed for Loki, screamed to warn him, screamed to say something-. No sound came out. The Natasha in front of her smirked, one of her legs kicking out and striking her hard across the face so that everything went dark.
The Natasha on the table opened her eyes and blinked once, twice, each time deliberately slowly as she focused on the world around her and the god standing just above her, murmuring her name. She could feel the power surging from him and gave a soft, almost pleasured hum at the feeling of his fingertips on her skin. Yes. He would work very nicely. She'd seen the way that the Natasha that had come before had lusted over him for some time, unaware of what true power he held. But she could sense it. Beneath his fingers she could feel the hundreds of years of knowledge and strength and pure power that he wielded, and she soaked it up as though it were the sun's rays before his own eyes opened and he stared down at her. Her lips pulled upwards in a smile that was perhaps a little more predatory than she'd expected, giving the surprise that flashed on his face before he reigned himself back in.
"Natasha?"
"Mm, hello Loki," she purred, rubbing his hands with her cheek gently. "Though I think I'd like it better if you called me Natalia."
Without waiting for him to pull away or respond she sat upwards and caught his lips in an upside down kiss, tipping her head to the side to gain a better angle on it, gripping the back of his neck to keep him cemented. She was stronger than he was expecting given how weakly he fought against it at first, but eventually he managed to pry himself away from her. She flipped her legs onto one side and rose with little care to the popping of her bones or the creaking of her muscles as she strode closer to him, watched as his gaze grew worried, and then wary as she encroached further.
"Who are you?" He demanded, and once more Natalia could feel the power as it rolled off of him sure as the waves on a beach.
She twisted her lips into that of a sneer, and her head tipped to the side, red hair spilling over the side of her shoulder. His face flickered with surprise when she summoned her own power, and though he was strong and ancient she was far older, her spirit feeding on Natasha's own pain and the chaos that had dictated her life and her actions for so long. The blast of energy caught Loki in the stomach, sending him crashing through three walls and straight into that where the other Avengers had congregated.
Natalia smirked and turned on her heel, breathing in the pandemonium that followed before she disappeared down the stairs. She had chaos to create.
A/N: Sorry about the delay on updates, but I hope this makes up for it! Finally getting to the good stuff =] Thanks so much for reading and hope you enjoyed!