Coffee or Tea?
The tea was warm. Despite Beacon's pro-coffee majority, a select portion of the student body, and some of the staff preferred tea. Mainly Ms. Goodwitch and Professor Peach. Everyone else drank coffee, and despite the claims that coffee was the far superior beverage, Jaune liked to belong to the minority.
Still the tea was doing little to calm his nerves. In fact his hands hadn't stopped shaking since they pried Crocea Mors out of his hands. Thankfully Ms. Goodwitch was more than understanding, and with a flick of her magical leather riding crop, I will never utter those words, the wall was fixed, good as new. He felt a bit guilty about having Phyrra handle that.
"He sure is taking this bad.", Noted Ruby.
"Well at least he isn't still going on about our imminent deaths.", said Weiss.
A muffled, "We're doomed.", sounded as Jaune's forehead met the table again.
"Too soon.", Ren said.
"Ren, be nice." commanded Nora, inhaling another plate of pancakes.
"I don't understand what's the big deal is. It's just a parent's visit. Isn't that the right of every parent to know their child is being treated well?", Weiss said, taking a bite out of her English muffin.
"Circumstances...are different. At least for Jaune.", Phyrra said. "his parents weren't aware of his admission to Beacon until recently."
"Which brings us to the topic at hand.", Weiss said. "I understand that Mr. Arc here doesn't exactly have the most accurate summation of their skill on paper, but I'm certain that you've proven yourself to the professors at this point."
A silence passed.
"Wow, that is probably the nicest thing you've said to Jaune in...", Ruby tilted her head.
"Ever.", Yang finished. "are you feelin alright there Ice Queen?"
"Hey!", she was about to protest that statement, but Blake's ninja skills were far too perceptive to allow such a tsundere moment. As such she performed a silencing maneuver that required both precision and deadly accuracy. She placed a hand on the heiress' mouth.
"As entertaining as this lovely banter is...we're getting off topic.", she said, as Weiss continued to try and speak through the hand.
"So, your parents. Why don't you ever talk about them?", Yang said.
Jaune immediately lifted his head.
He took a moment and took a look around the table. Namely at Ruby, then Weiss, then Yang, and finally Blake.
"Are you seriously asking me that question?", he said.
"Oh...well. Right. I can see why that would be...awkward.", Yang said, reddening a little.
Ruby let out a subdued "Ye-p", and Weiss looked rather sheepish for a moment, glancing down at the table. Blake closed her eyes and nodded understanding.
"I'm okay with it.", Ruby said. "It was a long time ago, and...", she hesitated a moment. She locked eyes with Yang, and then at Weiss, and then at every one else present.
"I'm not over it, but I'm strong enough to accept that it happen.", she smiled solemnly.
It took a moment to register, but
"Exes-tine-teli", she twisted her tongue.
"Existentialist",Blake corrected.
"Whatever-angst, that...is funky stuff. Painful stuff...", Ruby said.
"But you can't let it control you.", Ruby's expression hardened. "It's a part of you, and you can't let it go, but you can't let it define who you are."
She smiled, "So don't worry about us. We're stronger than that"
"I'm fine if Rubes is fine.", Yang said.
Weiss and Blake shared a look, and nodded.
"We're good."
"You...are all...so precious!", Nora said wiping away a stray tear. Ren handed her a handkerchief.
"Okay yeah, but seriously. Its fine. If anything we'll actually get a kick out of hearing about your parental issues, as opposed to wild mass guessing about the various states of dysfunction that no doubt plague our own family histories.", Blake said.
Phyrra gave his hand a reassuring squeeze.
"Okay", he said. "Where do I start."
"Hm, story time at breakfast?", Ozpin made his presence known.
"P-Professor Ozpin?!", Jaune said.
Sure enough the man stood there, dressed in his usual emerald garments, and the ever present cup of coffee in his hand.
"Good morning, sir!", Jaune resisted the urge to stand at attention.
"Do you mean to wish me a good morning? Or are you perhaps saying that it is a good morning, or perhaps you mean to say that this is a morning to be good on?"
"A-...what?"
"It's a joke.", Ozpin said, smiling weakly.
"So what brings you here, this early Professor?", Weiss said.
"A rather cross Goodwitch, flew by my office this morning. I can't quite remember what she said, but something about exploding hammers...", he trailed off.
"Aha- sorry about that Sir.", Jaune said.
"Well, seeing as no one was harmed, barring some grievously brutalized plaster and a few feet of carpet, I suppose I can let it slide.", he said, brushing his fingernails against a lapel, and pretending to inspect them
"T-thanks sir!"
"Rather than thanking me, how about repaying me with an explanation?", he smiled.
"Ah...well that's a funny story.", Jaune.
"I'm certain it is.", the illustrious headmaster began to take a sip of coffee-
"My parents are coming to visit", and immediately spat it back out.
Spraying caffeinated drink all over the opposing table-setting it on fire-promptly causing the wards in Beacon to activate, accelerating the flame, and all but burning the poor defenseless oak cafeteria table, seats and all, to a fine gray ash.
All while both teams looked on in mute horror, and fascination. Mostly horror.
"Professor are you okay?",Ruby asked.
He look like he'd been impaled by an invisible sword. Ozpin's eyes were wide, and it wasn't from the coffee. Collecting himself, he wiped his mouth on a sleeve.
Then he burst out laughing, "Ha hah hahahah"
The bitter tone it held was almost as dark as his coffee.
"That is a good one Mr. Arc. Haha. Far better than my obscure misquote of JRR.", He said between heaves. "I almost took you seriously there when you said your parents were coming to inspect the institution.", Ozpin motioned as if wiping a tear.
The Patriarch and Matriarch of the Arc line, coming to his institution. Preposterous. They'd never survive such a thing. The notion itself was like waking up to a zombie apocalypse. That sort of thing only happens in cheesy movies produced in Atlas. Ha.
"...", Jaune smiled awkwardly. "Ah, sir. I'm not joking."
The headmaster's face went one, perhaps two shades paler, as the blood drained from his face. The mug quivered as his hand began to shake and promptly hit the floor. Spilling all of its contents on the cold, hard, unforgiving marble tiles of the cafeteria
"Head mas-", he didn't allow Ruby to finish that question. Their lives were at stake.
"Excuse me, I need to find Glynda.", he began to walk.
Sure enough he was out of ear shot Weiss spoke. "See the headmaster isn't wor-"
"Glynda!", he yelled, as he quickened his pace towards the door. Earning turning the attention of the few cafeteria patrons towards him. Truly a slow day in Beacon when there aren't enough students at breakfast. Sadder still when the reasons for such are that they'd much prefer to be on class on time, rather than waste a few minutes at breakfast.
"-and he's jogging...", Yang said.
"GLYNDA!"
"Now sprinting", noted Blake
"His age really doesn't slow him down.", Yang said.
Ozpin reached the double doors of the cafeteria, and flung them open. He turned to the left, and started running. "GGYYYYNNNNDAAAAAAA!", slowly trailing off into silence as he went.
"That was weir-", Then Ozpin ran past the doors again in the other direction.
"GGYYYYNNNNDAAAAAAA!", and the doors shut, silencing any further yelling.
"-d", Weiss finished.
"What was weird?", Professor Bartholomew Oobleck, disheveled hair, opaque glasses, and all stood in the space that Professor Ozpin had just vacated. He looked rather well rested, despite looking like he'd slept in what he was wearing last night.
"Good morning.", he said.
"Good morning." they replied collectively.
"I wonder what has Oz all worked up.", he adjusted his glasses.
"Someone's parents are visiting to inspect the institution.", said Weiss, giving Jaune a look.
"Oh, who's?". he asked.
Jaune raised his hand sheepishly.
"Oh I see.", he said plainly.
"Are you going to panic too?", Nora said expectantly.
"Panic? What a preposterous thing to do, silly girl. Why would I panic about the parents of Jaune Arc coming to vis-"
To his credit, and the many years of expertise and fine service to this teaching establishment, Bartholomew Oobleck did not panic. "One moment please."
In a blur he took out his scroll and dialed a number and the extension, and turned to try and have his conversation in private.
"Hello Port, yes sorry to interrupt. It's Bart. Yes. Listen carefully, I need you to grab Edgar and meet me at the south side airship terminal now. Don't question it. The Arc boy's parents are coming. NOT THIS IS NOT A DRILL", he closed the scroll and placed it in his back pocket.
"Ah, excuse me, ladies and gentlemen. It seems that Professor Port and I have an expedition to go on. To...an unexplored region, Notanywherenearhere.", he said, in hurried pauses.
"As conveniently timed as it would seem, I assure you, that it was planned and paid for well in advance. You have just been notified"
"That's unfortunate.", Jaune said giving meaningful glances around the table. "Do you know when you'll be back?"
When we're certain that the smoking crater that was once Beacon is well and truly-, "unfortunately we aren't certain at this time. I pray your substitutes are competent Goodbye.", with that he zoomed out of the cafeteria, a white, green blur.
"Okay, this is getting out of hand.", Weiss said. "Jaune, what about your parents has the staff running for the hills?"
"Well it all started..."
[=]
Glynda Goodwitch had a lot of things. Skill, power, position, and to more than a few people, delicious legs, patience however, was not something she had an abundance of.
"Port, put the cow down.", she said.
"Never!", he replied.
Dodging another bolt of lightning, as he carried Edgar's black and white form above his head.
"Edgar and I will escape this prison and find FREEEEDOOMMM", He set Edgar down, the domesticated Grimm-Bovine mooing as he met sweet sweet solid earth again.
Port stepped forward, and with a heave, the threads of his finely tailored jacket, dress shirt, and caveat, shredded, revealing row upon row of glorious reverberating muscle.
His mustache wigled.
"I didn't realize I would have to one day use my skills against you Glynda. However, seeing as now you stand between me, and salvation, I shall not hesitate in using all the techniques passed down my family line- to best you, and escape this doomed place.", he flexed. "Now then, Have at thee."
Then the door to the lecture hall exploded.
"GLYYYYNNNDDDDDAAAA!", Ozpin wailed tearfully, as he knelt and hugged her leg.
Then, from the opposite door, Oobleck rolled in, all manner of blackboards, and papers exploding in his wake, some of which were on fire- the papers and the boards.
"Port what are you doing?! This is no time to dilly dally, the airship is departing in 5 minu- Hello Glynda", he dropped the globe of Remnant he was holding. "What a coincidence, I was just about to call you."
Glynda inhaled deeply, her free index and forefinger massaging the space between her fine eyebrows,
"I'm surrounded by idiots."
A/N:
Its hard to please you readers. Wanting me to update one day later.
I'll update this in snippets as new humor comes to mind. This chapter felt a bit dry though.