Author's Note: Hi everybody! Look at me, whipping out Gruvia one-shots like one two three. Heheh just kidding, the prompt for this was requested by TenderMind! She wanted something along the lines of "Gray and Juvia go to therapy or counseling", so Brittney, I hope I accomplished that!

This is one of the super few rare pieces that I'm actually happy to share with you guys. I had a great time writing it (and never would've finished it if it weren't for Les's help, can't stress that enough) so I hope it'll at least crack a smile on your lovely faces. Thank you so much for your support guys! You are too kind, and you always make my day.

Also super special thanks to my precious TK (aka WednesdaySnow) for beta-ing this and Sarah (aka ShyniiSparkles from tumblr who has gorgeous art omg) for giving fantastic suggestions and advice! Happy Friday everybody! And yay for the much needed three-day weekend *u*

title: talk dirty to me
second genre: Humor
rating: M for language (wink)
summary: The only therapy he needs is his girlfriend's sweet legs around his hips.

The room was pink. Like, the table and the carpet and was that a pink stapler on the desk? Why was everything so fucking pink—and not the nice kind of pink like Juvia's lips when he kissed her hard or her blush when he touched her legs. Nah, this pink, it was like… Natsu's hair pink. Some weird shit like that.

Gray slouched in his seat, scowling with a palm against his chin and his leg bouncing impatiently. Beside him, Juvia sat in a separate seat, ducking her head and pressing the tips of her fingers together.

This place was so fucking stupid and obnoxious. As if the repulsive pink wasn't bad enough, there was a really detailed diagram of a vagina on the wall—like with black lines that named every little thing, and holy shit what the fuck was a urethra? Books lined the bookcase with titles like How to Reach Orgasm or Stopping Premature Ejaculation: For Dummies, and not too far from him was a super detailed plastic model of a penis.

Heheh.

He was really tempted to take the dildo thing and chuck it at the therapist's face 'cause he was annoying and stupid with his judging black eyes, all narrow and beady with his rat-like nose and mouth and—

"You realize why you're here, correct?"

Gray stared, face flat with eyes locked on the man. "No."

The therapist's nose wrinkled as he adjusted his glasses. "Mister Fullbuster, exhibitionism is frowned upon in a proper society. Need I remind you what transpired to land you in my office?"

Che. Pompous bastard, sitting in that chair with his condescending tone and deploring face and stupid "I'm-better-than-you-'cause-I-got-a-fancy-paper-degree" attitude.

Gray glared, leaning forward and placing a hand on his knee. "Yeah, I think I need a reminder."

Asshole.

The therapist sat up straight, puffing out his chest. "Sex in a house of mirrors, sir!"

Juvia shifted uncomfortably. Gray snorted.

"It was her idea, and a damn good one. Nothing hotter than fucking your girl at a million different angles—"

"You're missing the point," the therapist said, pushing his glasses higher up the ridge of his nose. "You two have a problem of hypersexuality, I can already see it."

Gray twitched. Problem? A problem with their sex lives? Who did this guy think—did he even know what he was talking about?!

Fuck this, the dude could shove his diploma up his ass 'cause anyone with half a brain could see they were fine! They were good at sex, like super damn amazing wow kind of good. Che, sexual problem—

"We don't have a problem, man! Juvia's freaking amazing—the things she can do with her mouth, holy shit, and her legs, they go for fucking miles and they're super soft and when she wraps them all tight around my hips—hell her whole body is insanely flexible and she knows exactly how to get me off man, like biting my neck or touching my collarbone or slamming her hips and squeezing me real tight—and when she's blowing me, like shit, she's got me deep in her throat and she's sucking so hard but then she moans and the vibrations are fucking insane and her hands are rubbing with the perfect pressure—"

"Gray-sama—!" Juvia squeaked, face turning twenty shades of red.

"—and this one time for my birthday, she got these special handcuffs and a blindfold right, and at first I was like whoa but hey ya gotta try everything once, and shit best decision ever 'cause everything got super enhanced and the things she did with her mouth and hands should be fucking illegal—"

"—Gray-sama!—"

"—but I take care of her too okay doc, like for our anniversary I broke us into the church 'cause Juvia likes that stuff, the thrill of getting caught, and I made it all nice and shit, got roses and candles and made the mensa of the altar all comfy, and Juvia went insane there, just fucking insatiable, she was biting and clawing—I still got some scratches healing, see? One round I let her be on top and her legs had me in a vice-grip and the way she moved her hips, holy shit, and her voice is so fucking hot when she's close to the edge, all breathy and needy and her face does the cutest thing right before she com—"

"—GRAY-SAMA!"

Gray paused, looking to Juvia and her half-melted body pooling at his feet. "What? The guy said we had a problem!"

The girl cupped her flaming cheeks, her squeals muffled as she melted to the floor. Gray looked to the therapist, finding him perfectly still with his pen frozen in the air and glasses fogged. Che. Served the arrogant bastard right for not knowing what the hell he was talking about.

Rolling his eyes, Gray grabbed Juvia's arm and hoisted the blushing girl into his lap. "Get it now? We're fine. Fan-fucking-tastic."

The therapist stared for a few moments. "Well," he muttered, clearing his throat before sitting up straight and regaining his composure. "This constant desire for intimacy clearly stems from underlying issues between the two of you, or perhaps specifically you, Mister Fullbuster, with your uninhibited, unabashed detail regarding your overly active sex lives. Evidently, you two are developing an overdependence on each other from this wild behavior, and this could lead to—Mister Fullbuster, are you aware of what you're doing?"

Gray blinked, eyes hooded with his chin resting lazily against Juvia's shoulder. "What am I doing."

"You're stroking Miss Lockser's legs."

Gray glanced down, finding that, indeed, his hands were running up and down Juvia's thighs. Juvia's face was burning, rivaling the shade of a tomato as she bit her lip and locked her eyes on her hands fixed in her lap.

"Unconscious stroking…" the therapist muttered to himself, scribbling down some notes. Lifting his gaze, he pushed his glasses higher up the bridge of his nose. "Why do you think you need to constantly be intimate with one another?"

Gray snorted. "What kind of stupid question is that? Just look at her."

And he did, the stupid bastard actually had the nerve to openly check out his girlfriend.

Gray snarled and wrapped a possessive arm around Juvia's waist. "I didn't mean literally!"

"Gray-sama…" Juvia cooed, curling in his lap and nuzzling his face.

The therapist shook his head, scribbling down more notes. "Expressing possessive qualities… This suggests insecurity in your character, Mister Fullbuster."

"Hm," Gray murmured, leaning his head to the side as Juvia pressed kisses to his jaw and neck. His hand ran higher up her thigh, resting at her hip.

"These issues will need to be dissected," the therapist continued, eyes trained on his notes before him. "By extracting the root, we'll be able to prevent any more serious problems from developing. Furthermore…"

Juvia met his eyes for a moment before pressing her lips against his. Gray grabbed the back of her neck as she shifted against him, tilting her head and slipping her fingers in his hair. She opened her mouth and he kissed her harder, squeezing her hip and pressing her body flush against his—

"Hey hey hey!" screeched the therapist, tapping his pen obnoxiously against the glass table. "No intercourse in the office!"

Juvia squeaked, hiding her blushing face in Gray's neck. Gray snorted, flipping the bird before wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

The therapist sighed, placing his pen down. "This is going to be a long process," he groaned, rubbing his temple. "It'll take weeks before any progress can be made—"

Gray scoffed, "Fuck that shit! We have no issues, man. We're fine—hell we're more than fine, we'd be going at it right now if you weren't here. Ain't nothing wrong with that!" Taking Juvia's hand, he pulled her to her feet and stood up behind her.

The therapist blinked, lifting his head as Gray lead Juvia to the door. "Where do you think you're going? Our session isn't over yet!"

Gray flipped his middle finger behind him, "Thanks but no thanks doc! I'm gonna give it to her like she wants it! See ya!"

Juvia blushed and waved goodbye as the counselor gawked.

"Mister Fullbuster—please put on your pants!"