[NOTES: I CHANGED MIKASA'S AGE TO 11 ACTUALLY! BECAUSE I THINK IT'S GONNA ADD TO THE STORY FURTHER ON AND 7 WAS TOO YOUNG FOR WHAT I HAD IN MIND!]
I probably shouldn't try to see this with the eyes of Levi, but I do it anyway. I tell myself it's all in my head; This pendant doesn't have anything to do with the Wings of Freedom... Yeah, right. I turn the pendant between my fingers and it still doesn't feel right. It doesn't feel normal. Hell, it doesn't feel like this pendant belongs in this world. I hold it tight in my fist until it bites my skin. It is real, and the shape is undoubtedly that shape. It exists in this world too... which doesn't even make sense. I went rapidly over all the possibilities, but I couldn't find any explanation for my little girl to know this symbol. I do not believe in coincidence. I don't think this pendant just happens to be the same by some kind of luck of the draw. Whoever made this knew very well what they were doing. It's not just similar. It's the same. The shape. The colors. Everything. It's not an accident. I won't accept this as an accident.
I could probably ignore this. I could probably discard it all by saying it came from a history book, but I know better. It's not possible. There isn't any history book about this. Sure, they managed to bring a few things to light, but not this kind of detail. That's where the Replayer gets useful for more than the entertainment business. There's also the possibility of someone going into the Replayer before they make the design of the pendant. After that, it's easy to sell it as the 'Wings of Freedom' to a bunch of kids without really explaining what it is to them. When I asked what it meant, Mikasa had no clue and that's why it seems like that's the only explanation.
Or it was, until I asked her: ''Where did you learn about that? Was it on a package when you got it?'' I expected the answer to confirm my theories, but I didn't get it. Actually, the answer I got forced me to go back to square one and I could probably discard it as a lie... if I didn't know my daughter better than that. Hell, I might be a pretty young father and pretty incompetent for the most part, but I raised her and I know her. She's not the type to lie. Never been. Probably never will be. That's why her answer is playing on rewind in my head; bugging me.
''No. I do not believe it was. I didn't pay attention. I just felt like buying it... I felt like it was ours.''
Ours, the word sticks. It's not mine. It's Levi's, but I can see how it could be linked to me because of him. To me, at least. For her though, it doesn't make any sense. She doesn't know him, or his world. She doesn't even know about him... and me. Hell, she included herself in here believing it is also an important symbol for her. I can't really deny it is, because I'm not in her head, but I can't really accept it either. She probably never saw it until the day she bought it... and she felt some kind of connection just from that?
It doesn't make sense... and I'm not getting anywhere near sleeping as it is. When I close my eyes and think I'll let go of this bothering stuff to fall asleep, I can hear Mikasa walking in the hallway to the bathroom and it wakes me up. I've never been one to sleep much, that's true, because every single sounds seems to wake me up, but tonight really isn't my night I guess. If it's not the pendant, it's Mikasa. Either way, in the darkness, red digits from the alarm clock indicate 4:37. I give up falling asleep at this point. This isn't going anywhere, and I'm not just talking about sleeping here. In the end, I find myself sitting in front of the computer to start a search. I start with a bunch of random words to describe the symbol. Nothing. Hell, I end up just typing ''Wings of Freedom''... Just to push my luck. Still Nothing. It leads me back to square one where I try to type in a random list of words hoping to get something, anything. I turn the pendant and the bracelet between my fingers again. It seems to me I've done that too much lately, but I didn't pay attention to it. I saw it without seeing it. Not the way I should. I saw this with the eyes of Levi, I didn't try to see it with mine. I didn't try to think like Rivaille; I didn't try to find the Company. I just didn't even think about it. I ignored the letters in the back and the little serial number. I wasted more than half an hour on this, but it takes me less than one minutes to find the page I am looking for... The page for this particular item.
Here, in front of me, is the picture of that damn pendant. There isn't any choice of colors or variation. It's just that one and I know it's the one. I don't need to zoom on it and see the details. No. I am not ordering this or putting this on my shopping cart. I am just staring at it, because that's the one. It's the pendant with the symbol that shouldn't be there. Not here. Not in this time. Not in this house. Not in my daughter's hand and definitely not in her head as something that should be hers. I don't need to stare at it. I already know it too much already and I can't even explain why because it's not like I've seen it all my life, if anything I only saw it for the last few months. It's just like that and I have more important stuff to deal with than this weird impression... this familiarity with stuff I shouldn't be familiar with.
I need to deal with this subject; the one in front of me.
''Based off the content of the novel: To You in 2000 Years, by Armin Arlet''
-X-
''I'm searching for a book...'' I start as I finally find an employee of the nearest bookstore. No Greetings or anything. I just want this shit done and I don't have any time to lose. Hell, I came here the moment it opened dragging my daughter along with the promises of a brand new manga and breakfast at a restaurant. Somewhere fast and cheap. Hey, I never claimed to be a good father or anything. I had my kid at seventeen. I didn't know shit. We managed. She's a good kid. We did great. We still do. We're not perfect. I manage on my own now, but I still manage to make it work.
''...Eh, sure. What is the title?''
''To You in 2000 Years, by Armin Arlet.''
It feels like an eternity. Maybe they don't have it in stock. Maybe it doesn't even exist. I'm too tired, that's it. I dreamed all this. There's no one going by this name and there isn't any book with this title. Or maybe there is, but it won't lead me anywhere. I don't even know where I want it to lead me. Is there really a point? My daughter is being weird thinking she knows this symbol, but she might have mistaken it with something else. It might be something she saw on T.V. or in a book. She might have read this book at School... No. That one's impossible and you know why? Because the book the employee leads me to is in the freaking Humanities category and I'm starting to doubt if it's even worth my time. Why am I doing this anyway? This isn't going to give me anything...
I end up buying the book anyway.
Mikasa picks a manga with a yellow haired boy on the cover with some stupid cat mustache on his cheeks, which isn't too expensive... just like the Tim Hortons we bring home where I can finally open the damn book with a coffee in hand.
Thirteen pages and a half, that's the amount I read before I lose it. No. Just no. I am not reading this. It's ridiculous. I am not going to spend any more time trying to make sense of this guy's delusion. Rebirth? Reincarnation? Yeah, he's definitely going crazy and I'm not stupid enough to read this shit. I'm done with this and it's going to join every other book I own in my library... because I admit I read a lot. Hell, this book doesn't even belong with all these good books, but I manage to find a little space for it somewhere on a shelf I can't even reach without a stool... out of my sight.
This isn't going to lead me anywhere... It's a Fantasy.
-X-
Authenticating… Replayer: Rivaille, Password: Heychou
Success!
Opening Session no. 06-07
Resuming Memory
''Your self-inflicted wounds won't heal?'' Levi asks when he sees Eren fidget. He plays with the bandage covering his hand nervously. He makes his hands touch, but he keeps moving them as if he's unsure how he should be acting at all right now. The rest of the squad probably doesn't think much of this. Hell, they might not even notice how Eren is uneasy because of this. Levi does. He never misses any of this. They didn't spend that much time together in the few days following the court where Eren was assigned to Levi, but it was enough for Levi to get a good idea of the boy's personality.
''...No.''
At first, the boy had been entirely close to Levi. When their eyes would meet, Eren would turn away instantly. It's not like Levi actually worked hard for the boy to open up to him. All he did was watch over him. He'd lead him into his room in the dungeon each night. It was more like a cell than a room, but Levi had made some little addition to the simple bed laying in the middle of the room with chains to the wall with normal furniture from the room above. Of course, he still looked the door each day when he left, but he gradually found himself leaving that room later... and later each day. He just happened to do what no one else did; he talked to him.
Because there is one thing everyone seems to forget about Eren Jaeger; he is still a kid, a very human kid striving to be an adult... and Levi acts accordingly. He doesn't try to tame Eren. It isn't a realistic goal. Eren is a beast. Sure. Eren is very close to a Monster, but transforming into a Titan didn't make him a Monster. He was a Monster before he had this ability... It is part of him. It's his personality. Levi isn't taming him, or even trying. He is just There. He talks to him. He teaches him. If Eren can grow and become a bit more mature, that is good enough. He doesn't need to lose his troublesome temper, because that is something Levi likes about the boy.
He is Thunder. He is mesmerizing.
Levi is just merely guiding him... and helping in preserving the boy's shine.
''If you can't transform into a Titan, our main goal of sealing Wall Maria is off the table.'' There's a pause where Levi lets the information sink in. It's nothing new. Eren is probably already aware of that, but Levi reminds him of his doubt... of everything that is at stake. It's not only about Humanity's victory, it's about Eren. If this isn't going to happen, the boy isn't going to be able to stay under Levi's guard. That's how it works. He doesn't need to say it. It's there, between every word he just said with such a cold voice... He doesn't need to tell him that's not what he wants for him. ''This is an order; make it happen.''
That's all he says before walking away. There is nothing else he can do for him. For now.
''Who knows how it'll turn out if he gets angry...or desperate,'' starts Petra as she walks toward him.
''He's desperate enough as it is. It's fine. He won't turn into a Titan over this.''
''You should be more careful.''
He doesn't answer to that. He ignores the comment, just like he ignores the advice. She doesn't mean any harm, of course, but she is going beyond the boundaries of their current relationship. One does not tell their Corporal to be more careful. No one else does. She does it because she cares. She cares too much. He knows this much and she knows too... She should, at least.
''You trust him way too much.''
''It's not that I trust him, Petra. It's because I trust myself... and I understand him a little bit better now.'' He takes a sip of his tea and there's a pause where he thinks about the boy chained to his cell telling him he'll slaughter them with rage... and then, he remembers the sobbing mess crying himself to sleep at times because that's how cruel this world is. He didn't stop thinking the kid was incredible when he first heard it. If anything, he thought it made him even more outstanding. More bright in this freaking dark and bloody world. ''He's just a boy left in the dark who doesn't even know who he is anymore. He's weak. He's not dangerous until you make him.''
... but it doesn't really matter what he says in the end because, when lightning strikes through the air, she's one of them. She rushes to Eren with her blade drawn out and ready to kill him like the rest of them as he stands in the middle. Behind him, he hears Eren freaking out without really making out the words, but that's not the most urgent concern. Hell, he doesn't even have his blade in hand when he faces them and says without any room for discussion :
''Calm down.''
''Corporal Levi, this is...''
The brat stops himself mid-sentence while Levi feels his Squad tense again to the evocation of Levi's name.
''I said to calm down, all of you.''
They're all ready to kill. None of them seems to take his order seriously. It's like they don't know what do to anymore. They look scared. They look like Levi's orders aren't making any sense and their voices go out all together in a rush. He barely makes out what they say until Petra speaks... worried as she shouldn't be again.
''Corporal, get away from Eren. You're too close!''
''No. You're the ones who should get back... Get back!''
''Why?!''
''Intuition.''
Right, because this isn't trust. He just knows Eren isn't going to hurt them. Eren knows better. Eren wants to kill the Titans. ''I want to slaughter them!'' There must be a reason for him to transform now. He couldn't transform just a few hours ago... And he definitely didn't lose his ability, Levi isn't foolish enough to believe that. Something must have been off. He tries to think. Tries to make sense of what Eren's trying to say, but everyone speaks together... interrupting his thoughts. Stopping him from giving Eren the space he needs to calm down. Yes, because he needs to calm down as well. He's freaking out up there, it's just that he's not dangerous for anyone. Not right now.
''Please shut up for a second!''
Oh, he knows that voice. It's Eren. Eren; yelling like he usually does when he starts to get worked up. Eren; getting worked up over everything. Eren; drenched in sweat. Eren; releasing his hand and stumbling down the mass he created out of nothing... Eren; weak and still on his knees on the ground trying to catch his breath.
''How do you feel?''
It's a simple question. Hell, it's asked coldly like it's trivial, but it's far from that. Levi cares more than he makes it seem like... because he actually wonders if the kid is alright.
''Not so good...''
That will do.
-X-
''Good Evening! I apologize for calling you at home, but you gathered a lot of good footage, Rivaille.'' I apologize for not being sorry, right. Her voice is incredibly cheerful... and kind of annoying considering I'm not in a good mood. Well, less than usual. I'm not in a good mood because it's pretty close to an obsession now. I do not sleep well. I keep telling myself I shouldn't waste my time with this book and this stupid author. It's a coincidence... Right, a coincidence. All of this. She says the footage I went through is good and I don't even know why is it 'this' good. It's nothing special really. I don't get it, but I feel her excitement through my voicemail. I just don't get it. I mean, I'm excited about this too... Sure, but I'm more interested in Eren than anything. It's just a personal interest I guess. Nothing healthy, but I've never been healthy... That's why I light a cigarette in my own apartment today.
As if it's alright to smoke inside because Mikasa isn't home from School yet.
As if.
''I'd like us to meet next week about this footage if you're available. I'd like us to concentrate on the same thing as you go through the Replayer... We also need to talk about Eren Jaeger.''
Well, if she didn't have my full concentration before... Now she has it all.
''I'll come get you like... Monday? Yeah, Monday! See yah!''
Ah, I sigh in disappointment. It's as if I seriously expected her to tell me about Jaeger now. No, of course she wouldn't. It was just interest taking over. This isn't like me. Not at all. Mikasa is almost home from School... probably in like five minutes or so, but I still light up another cigarette. I need it. I find myself craving it to keep me busy and calm down all the thinking about the little brat from the past, but I put some shoes on and I smoke on the small little balcony.
Hey, there's no need to get all weird over a fucking brat who doesn't even exist here in this time.
-X-
Authenticating… Replayer: Rivaille, Password: Heychou
Success!
Opening Session no. 06-12
Resuming Memory
If there's something Levi didn't expect, it was the face Eren made the day his friends joined them in the Survey Corps. Well, Levi didn't really think much of his friends. He didn't really think about them joining their ranks either, but it happened and he thought it would make Eren happier... and maybe less jumpy. In a way, it worked. He seemed glad to see his friends and it was good for his morale. That's what it seemed like when Levi saw him talking to them earlier that day. That's not what he sees in Eren's expression as he follows him into the basement though. The face he sees when Eren looks at him furtively is preoccupied. There's a hint of wrath... with a little bit of sadness. In itself, it's nothing really bothersome. Eren isn't one to hide his emotions well and it's almost as if he feels everything intensely with all his being... all of it.
Levi finds himself walking behind the boy walking incredibly slowly through the hallways as they make their way down the old castle... staring at him without saying anything until the boy stumbles on the last few steps and almost makes Levi fall with him. He would have fallen if he hadn't caught the boy in time, just grabbing his arm.
''Hey, Eren. You've been dragging your feet all the way here and I'm not having any of this shitty attitude. Get a hold of yourself. You'll see your stupid little friends tomorrow.''
Eren tries to get out. Levi's grip is pretty solid. He doesn't let go until he finishes speaking and he does it with a rough motion for Eren to move forward, but their eyes meet somewhere in the process and Eren's expression switches. From anger, he melts into a slightly embarrassed one... Nervous and fidgeting for an instant before he covers it with anger again.
Because Anger is an easy mask to wear.
''They're not stupid!... and it's not even about that!''
Here it is, Eren is yelling again.
''I'm not having any of your yelling either, Eren.'' It's like a warning. It's been a rough day with all the new recruits coming it. He doesn't really feel like dealing with an annoying and loud little brat.
There's a pause where Eren looks like a fish out of water. He opens his mouth and closes it again before he turns around. The way he does it gives away his irritation, but he probably knows better than to mess with Levi... for now.
They walk in silence like that until they reach the cell where Eren lives these days. Once in a while, Levi would lean against the wall to speak to him for a while, but today isn't one of these days. The kid's temper isn't good and Levi doesn't feel like hearing him getting all intense... even though he usually likes this passion in him. It just isn't a good day for them, it happens.
''It's just... Marco died when we were closing the hole in the wall.'' Eren mutters. It's barely audible, but Levi hears it and stops himself from leaving the cell to lock the door. He turns his head slightly to see the boy sitting on his bed... Done with the anger. It's like it never happened in the first place.
He doesn't know who Marco is... probably never will. This is irrelevant.
''Everyone dies, Eren. It's not the first. It's not going to be the last one either... That's just how it goes.''
He might not like it... but that is how the world works. You fight to survive or you die trying. Sometimes, it's about luck, but it's also about skill... because the strongest survive one way or another. That's why the Titans are a menace.
Eren tightens his fist and the will to fight is back in him... It's breathing life into him again.
''I'll kill them. I'll make sure none of them remain!''
Levi remains unmoved... That's how he looks, but the truth is the same as it was a few weeks ago when he meet Eren Jaeger. The boy moves him and triggers something weird in him. He cares. He cares so much for this goal and Levi cares too. He wants it to be real. He also has quite a few companions he wants to avenge in this way, but there's a paradox in this way of thinking... because Eren Jaeger is a Titan whether he wants it or not.
That would make Eren Jaeger a Sacrifice more than a Messiah.
''Whatever you want to do, you just have to do what you can while you still can.'' Right. Whatever he wants to do... because he will do whatever he wants, that's something Eren Jaeger isn't going to give up on. He's not going to give up on his goal for anything... or anyone. He'll do everything to see this through even if it kills him, that's a certitude. There's no need to see the Future to know this much already. ''For all those who died trying and doing their very best.. like you are. Or for those believing in you.''
''...Like you?''
Kind of.
There's a pause and it's a bit awkward as Eren just looks at him from head to toe, like he's judging him... and what he says. Like he's trying to register it. Like he's trying to see something. To understand. And Levi isn't sure he likes the way he looks at him like he's hesitating and searching for answers to questions he doesn't even know.
''...like your friends.''
It changes the subject. It directs Eren onto something else... something Levi can handle, because he didn't know what Eren wanted from him. Or where he wanted Levi to lead him.
''It's different. They always believe in me. They never doubt me. It's unconditional... Given. Assumed.''
''No one has to believe in you, they do it because they want to.''
''Yeah, but I never had to do anything to prove myself to them. Mikasa is like...I just can't see her leaving me and Armin... Well, maybe it's worth something to have him believe in me because he's so smart, but he's my childhood friend.''
For a while, it's silent and Levi turns around to leave the cell with a good night, but the boy continues as he prepares himself to go to bed:
''But you... You believe even though we don't share a bond.''
''You're right, we don't.''
And that's the end of it. He closes the door. He doesn't deny believing in the boy and it's useless to do so. If Levi didn't believe in him, they wouldn't have done what they did to save him from the Military Police. They believed the boy had potential. He believed it.
He still does.
''Good Night, Eren.''
''...Night.''
-X-
Believe me, I don't want to see this either. I'd rather forget about this, forget about this book. I didn't forget. That's too bad. I found myself going home in a hurry and before I knew it, I had the book in my hand again. Armin Arlet. Armin. It's the same name. I could discard one name, I could, but Mikasa couldn't be neglected. It couldn't be a coincidence. Petra named her. It was a stylized way to turn Mi Casa into a name. We were young, our apartment was shit, but Petra kept saying wherever this baby was would be her home. She didn't need a pretty place to live, she had Mikasa. Mi Casa turned into a name and there's no way some girl from a few hundred years ago can have that name... No way. Once again, I could dismiss this easily if only she didn't look the same... but she did and I had no excuses.
I'm not a stalker. I might look a bit odd though as I sit by the entrance of University of Quebec at Montreal, but it's odd because I make it odd. There's nothing wrong with me. I can easily pass for a student taking a smoke break. I'm not old. Hell, I'm twenty-eight, but I look like I didn't even have my freaking puberty because I'm just this small. The lack of hair on my body and my face never really helped with that either. Blame the genetics I guess, but I'm not old. My physique is proof of that. I still wear this shitty piercing on my bottom lip I never got rid of and my stretcher in my ears. Being a Dad made me feel old before my time, that's all. It forced me into a mature guy earlier, that's all.
I don't really have a plan here. I'm just hoping for this particular guy to exist and have School today and to go through this door at one point or another. I don't even know how I'll recognize him, but I'm assuming he'll still have the same appearance... like Mikasa. And that's if all of this is true, because it might be just a huge joke.
Let's just hope I don't look too pissed off to scare him when I see him... I guess not.
''Levi, is that you?'' I raise my head at the voice. It's weird, it really is, because Levi isn't my name... and I find myself answering to it like I'm used to it. Like it's mine. Always has been. I crave for a different voice calling it somehow though and I can't even make any sense of this impression. This is not the voice I want to hear saying this name, but it's the only one I have now.
Our eyes meet and I was right. I recognize him right away... Blonde hair. Big blue eyes. I know this is Armin Arlet without even meeting Armin Arlet.
''Levi, it is you!''
He smiles brightly and walks up the few meters between us. He acts like he knows me, like he's familiar with me, but...
''I am not Levi.''